cracking up - husband left & dont know what to do

[MrsMiggins]

I just dont know what to do
am drinking too much - knwo that and just had brother telling me so but I just cant carry on

been to DR today - carry on wioth ADdS AND maybe increase to 100 mg in months time if no improvement

H left an no remorse or empathy; not sign thar sees hard for me.
I just need to know whether losing house or if can stay

all sh;t

[nooka]

MrsM I am so sorry you have been feeling down. But I do want to add to those who have already said that this is entirely normal. It is hard work to sustain a positive attitude, and every now and then (and January is a depressing month anyway) you will feel very low. Accept that this will happen, not because you are bad or weak, but because you are going through a very tough experience. Do ask for help. Many people will feel very privileged to be asked, especially if you have been kind to them in the past. It is the nicest feeling to be able to help someone you care for. Of course your family are sad about what has happened, but what they will care most about is you, and that you are OK. So lean on them when you can. It is not a sign that you aren't coping, in fact it shows that you know when to ask for help. We are all vulnerable at times. That's OK! Do try and get another counsellor, you do not have to stick with the person you started with. The group thing sounds good, as does the floristry course - keeping busy is a good way to keep the pain at bay, and eventually you will find you are having fun. Try not to think about your dh, and if you do remember that his behaviour is no reflection on you. None of this is in any way your fault. I think that you know this really, but it is so easy to get into that negative mode, and very hard to get out when you are in it. I do think that stopping drinking alone is a good thing - is there somethig else you could try for a comforter? I went through huge amounts of various herbal teas, and that seemed to help. Some of them help with sleeping too, which makes a big difference. The other thing that might help, although you might not be able to do it right now, is to write down some positive things either about you, or where you think that you are going to be (ie independant, strong, happy!) and stick them up - or find pictures and things that your children have made and stick them up somewhere you can see them regularly (pictures of beautiful places help me feel better, and anything that says I love you mummy!). The idea is to get lots of positive reinforcement that it is going to be OK, that you are a good person, that you should value yourself etc. Finally are there any things that you never did because of your dh - plan to do them now! Hope you are feeling better soon, and lots of hugs!

[loulounz]

MrsM - lets be strong together!

All of your thoughts are the exact thoughts that I feel myself - I could be you except my xh didn't have an affair (big question over that one?!!).

You are drinking when you are depressed - I feel like ending my life?! Drinking sounds the lesser evil!

My two dd's (3 & 1) have not had a full nights sleep since my xh left and I am in bits and I know I feel worse after a particularly bad night!

Went for my 1st counselling session today, but it was cancelled due to them being sick?! I feel like the whole world is against me!

I haven't let my dd's have overnight stays with xh either for various reasons and he too was NEVER a hands on dad and will do his own thing when he is supposed to be looking after them!

Sorry to be so depressing but I just want you to know that you are not alone out there feeling like you do (I know I feel like the only sad woman in the world who really should be slapped and snap out of it - easier said than done!)

Good on you for starting a course - thought about that myself, just need a kick up the bum to get started!

Not on here very often at the mo (cos I now have to pay for internet myself) but lets try and keep our spirits up together.

SOD EM - LETS NOT LET THE B's WEAR US DOWN - it's just what they want so let's not give them the satisfaction.

Trying to be happy and move on with my life

[MadMaz]

Well done Mrs M - don't let him grind you down.

[moondog]

Mrs M...just logged on to see how you were.
So glad to hear you're doing better today.


Why can't The Arse come at a time that suits you not him????

Keep going girl,you're doing great.

XXX

[MrsMiggins]

thanks for last night

felt so ill this morning
have felt quiet & numb all day but have decided that yesterday was rock bottom and I dont want to be there again

so no more alcohol unless its the weekend AND Im with friends

I need to be focused on me so I can focus on the children. Unhappy mum makes children unhappy.

H is clearly only thinking about himself - been to solicitor today and now wants to come on Sat & talk while my mum has the children - eating in to his access time but he doesnt care....also eating into my free time

off to watch "you are what you eat"

[MadMaz]

You will be. It just takes time xx

[MrsMiggins]

I thikn that its ME with the problem
Sure the kids will enjoy spending time with daddy and to be honest, if he make sno effort, they'll soon get bored

when you get married & have kids, its difficult to suddenly give them up when thats not what you signed up for

I know I need to be stronger

thnks for your advice

[MadMaz]

Chin up girl. No doubt he is sleeping somewhere, if not at his parents. Well, if you can't face a night away from your lovely children then just make sure you start the day (your day off!) reasonably early. Sleep well. Just had a small glass of port to help the zzs come.

[MrsMiggins]

he does not have his own space (or if Does not saying)
his parents live 2 1/2 to 4 hrs drive away

I have offered him staying in spare room
no go

have offered me not saying here
no go

perhaps should just bite bullet but youngest is 19mths and has bveen put to bed by ex H 4 times in 2005....yes i know children as resililant BUT exH hasnt exactly tried in past

I know I am the main obstacle - sorry for loving my children and hating idea spenDing weekends away

lets see what tom brings

[UCM]

Sorry MrsM I posted on an earlier thread that I thought you were ok. So sorry mate. Don't really know what to say apart from

[MadMaz]

sorry mrs m, time delays in posts. really think its better that kids see him away from your home. better for you as well to start drawing boundaries. home is your sanctuary. can't he take kids out and then to his parents for tea? has he not got his own place?

[sykes]

Can you not insist? He must understand that one w/end is bugger all to ask - it's not even 24-hours? Tell him you need it. Sorry, he sounds so unhelpful. Why won't he stay at your house? He can sleep on the sofa/floor? And you won't be there.

[MadMaz]

Nowt wrong with chewing fat with mates fer a couple of hours. Esp if you helped them before. They will be more than willing to repay the support, and can empathise.
Seems to me that time out for you is more important that worrying about quality of interaction with Dad. Bit of TV won't harm them for once, they might need some chill out time too. Surely its more important that mum gets some rest so you can cope the rest of the week. Try to send them off with a positive note and look after No 1 for a change... enjoy that girls lunch. Have a hairdo or pedi or whatever makes you feel good.

[MrsMiggins]

he wont stay over night even if Im not here
so either here (and I go out for day) or he travels 3 hrs to his parents

sad thing is that he says i cab stay at home while hes there but whats the point?
if Im there, kids want me
if Im there, how does that get used to time withpout mummy?

sorry but shit anywhere

[sykes]

Maybe if they're in your house and you know they have their own toys and plan swimming/a trip to the park and TELL him they really need to do that/a trip to a play centre - let him see what it's like. The children will cope - just keep it to a minimum. Leave at 4pm and get back at 2pm the next day. i know it's not a great break but it's a start and will give you a bit of time?

[MadMaz]

Mrs Miggins, try not to let the solicitor visit worry you. Wait for the letter to come (if at all... he may just be going for a first interview.. and may get short shrift). Remember it will cost him a few quid to visit a brief and a few more quid to write to you. Urge consideration of mediation (much cheaper) No solicitor worth his salt will advise his client not to keep an appointment to see his children.
I still shout. No one is perfect. Not even our children. If they were we wouldn't shout we would walk around saying please and thank you at all times and they would not make a mess, they would take their plates out to the kitchen, go to bed on time etc etc.
Lunch with a friend is always good. Recommend you indulge yourselves in the best quality bottle of wine you can afford (shared with friend of course!) ...and very large pudding.

[MrsMiggins]

I worry about my family cos i know they are all hurting already

spent 1 1/2 ON PHONE TO friend from work tonight - similar situation 8 yrs ago
helped
but I feel guilty just talking to people about things

I hould just bite the bullet and let him take them over the weekend so I get change to recharge

I worry jkids will think they are being punished going away from me = I know hes their father bvut he really doesnt intereact properly... when he has the, for 5 hrs at the moment spend most of time watching TV while he reads paper

[sykes]

Can you have some help and stay with a friend over night so you don't have to look after the children and get a good night's sleep/and some time for you? That really helped me it's such hard work to have to worry constantly re the children and no respite? I had no family support so friends were vital and also wonderful.

[MrsMiggins]

just feel sp annoyed at myself

was doing so well b4 Xmas
obiously kidding myself

H moaning about SKY today but Ive been worried about DD health - he only rings to speak to DS and because of his lack of concern for us as a family, we just dont speak

everyone says "2006 will be a good year" BUT nothing has changed....

stop drinking you lush !!
thats what I need...

[starlover]

oh mrsmiggins... trust me on this one.. your family WILL want to talk to you! i know they are hurting, but you mean so much more to them and they would hate to know you felt like you couldn't talk to them about this....

really... really... really... i am telling you the truth!

[carlk]

you have nothing to be ashamed about we are all vunerable at times.
You have close family are you sure you cant let on e of them know how you are feeling, I'm sure they really want to reach out and comfort you if you'll let them. Can you get through this together?

[MrsMiggins]

no
H is coming to see kids but things could change as hes seeing solicitor tomorrow
am going out to luch iwth friend Sat

DS told me yesterday daddy left cos I shout

IU have NEVERF said anything bad about daddy including I phoned him tonight for DS 3 3/4 as daddy hadnt phoned

thanks for your support you guys

[MadMaz]

Mrs Miggins, feel for you. Been there done that. Still not quite off the booze myself (!) but much better than it was. Don't beat yourself up about it, just be aware of what you are aiming to achieve. Lack of sleep and worry makes everyone weaker. Once you have control over access arrangements, your house and money which sounds like that is someway off, you can take control of your life. One day at a time. Get a good brief. Consider mediation to sort out the money and access arrangements. They can sometimes put you in touch with counsellors as well. Floristry course sounds a great idea. Nothing like the sight of beautiful flowers to cheer up a tired soul. Take care

[sykes]

Mrs M, your family sounds wonderful. Your h is an arse, soem men are and I, unfortunately speak from personal experience. Have you anything nice planned - what about next w/end?

[MrsMiggins]

it is killing my family & I cant show them how I feel cos they are so hurt themselvces

my poor brother went to uni with my H and he blames himself for introducing me to to H...which is bollocks.....H is the only one who has to answer to his actions

Im lucky to have such close family