Please tell me there is hope.

[DontCryWithYourMouthFull]

I have been depressed for 6 years, I have bad pmt every month on the top of the normal depression. I'm on 40 mg of ciatalopram and on the pill (to help with the pmt). Few months ago, I used to be a very heavy drinker but I'm now tee total, I dont smoke either. I have increased my exercise, I eat better so please can someone explain to me why I feel suicidal, why I hate myself so much, why can't I lose weight, why am I crying everyday, why am I insomniac ?
I had my blood tested today, what if it is something really bad ? Or what if there is nothing and I have to contemplate the rest of my life like this ? I'm on waiting list for therapy. I try to do everything I can to be better, all I want is to be normal, able to cope, even some happiness.

is anyone you can talk to about medication change/how you're feeling now?

Have you been tested for thyroid dysfunction? How long have you been on the citalopram? Did it ever make you feel better and lastly do you snore?

You don't have to live the rest of your life like this, there are many different ways of treating depression and they vary from person to person, so it's just a matter of finding what works for you and don't be scared of thinking outside of the box. What contraceptive pill are you on and how long have you been taking it for?

I saw the doctor before christmas and she told me to stay like this, I was on 20 mg and since november she put me on 40 mg. I saw another gp this morning and I begged for blood test, I have the result on monday. I'm being tested for my liver, my kidney, my hormones, bones. I have been on citalopram for 4 years, I had moment when I was fine but 2 weeks before my periods, everything goes wrong..I cry, I'm consummed by anger, sadness, telling myself I don't want to live anymore, I text my dh that I want to die. I snore when I have a cold otherwise no I don't think I snore on a regular basis. Thank you for your posts !

I'm on Loestrin 20 and have been for 13 days, it is the first pill ever who doesnt give me nauseas, it is really low ostrogene. Since I can remember I always had a tendance depressive but it has been worst now, I can't feel guilty with myself for trying everything to get better

I personally, from what you have posted, don't think the citalopram is working for you. I think after six years of feeling crap you are entitled to see someone more qualified than your gp. As for the pill, if it's only been thirteen days then it could worth seeing if it makes a difference over the next couple of months, ime the pill (of any kind) just sends me more batty.
I hope for your sake, that the blood tests do show something, if it is thyroid problems, it is very easily treated and makes the world of difference to how your feeling when it is.
If not, keep trying different anti-despressants, see if the pill makes a difference and perhaps look outside the box e.g acupuncture (and something I came across for the first time yesterday) ketamine infusion therapy!
Have you had any type of therapy e.g CBT etc?

Frid - I'm on waiting list for therapy but I'm not sure it is what I need but will do it obviously. Last time I saw my gp, I was feeling so bad (and it was before starting the pill), I have asked her to send to an psychiatric hospital for xmas...Is there anything else than citalopram ? Before citalopram, I was on fluoxetine. I will look at acupuncture, I never heard of ketamine therapy !

I'm currently on welbrutin which works (for the moment!) Really well for me but I have also been on seroxat and efexor (efexanor?) Both of which are totally different and work in different ways. And there are lots more as well. I know fluoxetine is meant to be very good for symptoms associated with PMS which is probably why they started you on it.
So yes lots more things out there, don't just rely on your gp for the answers! As for the ketamine therapy, I'm in the states so not sure it will be availiable on the nhs yet.
Oh and CBT might not help with feeling better but it could help with your ability to cope with how you feel.

Thank you Frid, I'm going to go again and see my gp and see what else can be done..Hopefully, I'll know a bit more after the blood test results.

Definitely ask for a thyroid function test. Inability to lose weight, depression, anxiety and insomnia are all symptoms of an underactive thyroid. This runs in my family, I've seen the impact of it and also how it is easily treated but so often missed. Even if it isn't your thyroid, keep pushing your GP for a different approach to your treatment, Frida is right, you don't have to live like this.

Thank you for cheering me up, I feel a bit lighter. I'm glad I did the blood test. I was talking to my mu this afternoon and she told me she had an underactive thyroide and that my grand mother had it too so it is maybe hereditary.

Well that's interesting, it's clearly in the family then. Wait and see what the blood results show. I'm glad you are feeling a little cheerier about it all too.

I do feel better to have talked about it, nobody understands in RL. I have dh who is understanding but he hasn't got a easy life because of me.

Don't be too hard on yourself please. If your dh is understanding then he will continue to support you when you are low. Have you been married for long? If he is still hanging in there after 6 years of depression it can't be all bad and he must love you very much - no doubt for good reason. When you are depressed you really lose sight of all the positives.

I really hope the blood results indicate an underactive thyroid because this can be treated very easily and the horrible symptoms can dissipate reasonably quickly. However, if it isn't your thyroid, do speak to your GP about your meds. I have had anti-depressants in the past including citalopram and these have worked for me but just from reading mumsnet I know that citalopram has not been right for some women and they only felt much better once they were switched to different meds. Read around the mental health board a bit and see what people say about citalopram.

Have you tried meditation or mindfulness? When I have been depressed this has helped me. It stops your mind racing, helps you to avoid negative thoughts about yourself, about the past, about the future and so on. It might be worth having a look into it. For some reason there has been quite a bit about meditation in the news in the last day or so which might make it easier to search.

If you get a chance, let us know about your results.

Hi Scott, we have been together for 9 years so yes he must remember the good times and hanging to them !

I really hope it is underactive thyroid too because if it is not, I have a feeling my gp is going to be reluctant to change my meds, she wants me to wait for the therapy.

I didnt try meditation or mindfulness, will look at it. I have such a bad opinion on myself...friends often tell me that if I lose weight I'll feel better but my size is not a symptom of my depression, I was depressed even when I was slim. I have joined the gym and I went and I can run 5 k and I had goals to do some races but I completely lost my self motivation in the last 2 months. I don't smile anymore, everything seem grim..sorry rambling

I am so impressed you can run 5k! That's my ambition for 2012.

Is your depression linked to an event or events in your life or is there no specific cause. I am not asking you to go into any detail by the way . I know that my own depression was linked to my upbringing - not a massively traumatic upbringing but one where I was constantly framed as a disappointment and a failure. Until I reprogrammed my thinking through therapy I was frequently depressed. I have tried a range of therapies and talking cures by the way, CBT, psychoanalysis etc. It really was helpful. Do you know how long you will have to wait for therapy?

As far I can remember I always tend to be depressed, I remember feeling really tearful on sunday evening at the tough of going back to school the day after, the fear of failure. My upbringing was an issue but I have sorted it . My dad was also very depressed while I was growing up and had massive anger issue and es I guessed it affected me but I had a massive talk with my parents and we are really closed, I dont hold a grudge anymore. I dont think I'll have too long to wait for the therapy as I have been refered 2 months ago.

Korma - I'm often there, how many times have called my dh, I have lost count. Screaming, crying, pulling massive chuck of hair..begging him to come back.

When will you get your blood test results Don'tCry?

Korma sorry you had a shitty day yesterday, I hope you are feeling better. Can I ask how frequently you have to up your thyroxine dose?

I went yesterday, results on monday !

korma, i hope you are having a better day x

Don'tcry, it is brilliant that you have resolved your issues with your parents but growing up in that sort of enviroment is (for me anyway) a contributing factor to the depression, if it's not caused by thyroid problems!
My fingers and toes are crossed for that being the problem, as it is really easy to fix.
I have mine tested on an annual basis because I have a very strong history of it in my family but no joy yet.

Thank you frid, no long to wait now !x

I got the results and apparently, I have a lack of vitamin d. It is not the answer I was hoping for but I guess it is a start.

Hi Don'tCry. I don't know much about vitD deficiency but I assume you can get supplements to address this. Did the GP say whether lack of vitD is linked to low mood, weight etc. I do hope so and that treatment helps.

Also, did the GP show you the thyroid results and discuss them with you? I would expect them to have given you a result for three different levels these are TSH, FT3 and FT4. The link below explains a bit more about these and the 'normal' value ranges for each.

If you were underactive (hypothyroid) your TSH would be higher than the given range and FT4 would be lower. You should note within the link that it states that FT4 ranges can vary depending on the method of test and local interpretation ie where you live the health authority would consider your thyroid function normal but in another town it may be considered abnormal.

www.btf-thyroid.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=102&Itemid=151

I'm not saying that your GP has interpreted your results incorrectly, you may well have a perfectly normal thyroid function. I am just saying that if your GP didn't discuss the thyroid results in detail with you then it might be a question to raise when you next go back, ie please can you reassure me that my thyroid function is within a normal range and that the function test included TSH, FT3 and FT4 and can I get a print out of the results.

I hope you are feeling OK today.