Madmouse's Christmas Refuge - If Christmas is hard for you come post here for support

[madmouse]

Hi guys

I'm fine myself this year. Mostly. Struggling with some bits of my past that are coming up in therapy at the moment, but all in all I'm looking forward to Christmas. But for so many of us with mental health problems or 'just' generally crap stuff going on in their lives Christmas is no fun, in fact it can be the worst day of the year.

So here is a safe space to be honest about how you feel about Christmas this year - no holds barred, to help you keep the mask on for the kids and rellies xx

Hi Madmouse :) THINK I am starting to come out of a few months of generally feeling a bit grim - lovely to have somewhere to post though. Have been feeling a bit anxious about today - one of those days you are "meant" to be happy, and was worried it would be a stuggle. But going ok so far...just taking as much time out as poss just to chill :)

Hope you are having a good day and the same to anyone else struggling with mh things over Christmas.

Hi madmouse you are kind beyond words, just escaped the obligatory phone call to my lovely in-laws was in shower. My eldest is coming in an hour. My mum hasn't phoned she usually does but honestly don't expect her to found out 3 days ago that she's spending christmas with her lovely son this year haven't heard from her since end of November or seen her since October. Still getting over Friday's session having the odd blip. Keeping it simple this year its all I can manage. Have a nice Christmas with your family. xx

have n/c for this

Christmas when I was growing up was bad, really bad.
They would get drunk, start fighting, furniture, ornaments, plates, anything that was near to them would get thrown and broke.
My christmas presents would get broke, especially anything off my Gran. sometimes I would get nothing and have to watch my sisters opening theirs, they would remind me that I had been so bad I wasn't getting anything or that my present would be later :(

I would take the bottles back to the shop each week to get the money so I could save up and buy them both presents.
He would just laugh and tell me I was pathetic, my present was horrible, never good enough, he would break it tell me it was a pile crap, had to be punished, he would hurt me really bad, tell me it was my fault. my gifts were crap, I was a rubbish daughter who only thought of herself and he was right, anything I bought them I did think of myself, would it be ok, if it wasnt then I would be hurt.

I hate watching and giving people present for fear of their reaction, if I have to open a present I have to go and do it on my own.
I know I'm an adult now and my friends and children wont do that but when I see a wrapped present I cant breath, I see it all in slow motion, everything that happens, everything I do, its all too much.

Christmas dinner, all that food, not for me for them, it would all go wrong.
I hate christmas, any celebration type things but definately christmas, it was when they were more cruel more nasty hurt me more :(

Hey you 3 hope you're surviving

Dotty I'm not thinking very christmassy things about your mother right now...

ashamed it's your parents who should be ashamed not you xx

thanks for starting thread. Always hated xmas due to alcohol beatings and rows but even as an adult I feel sick. Mother throwing an emotionally manipulative strop and now isnt coming for dinner so it probably sat at home eating martyr pie and chucking out the guilt 'you are a bad daughter' vibes that led to serious MH issues, breadown and suicide attempt.
Trying to remember I am an adult and have my own family but dreading fallout of al this

so sorry ashamed

Sitting on my sofa, alone, in tears :( I was meant to go to a friend's house but it's 10 miles away and a taxi was too expensive. My partner is at his mum's, won't be home til the 29th.

Trying to distract myself, but I just feel so crap.

sorry to hear that. No-one within walking distance?

I spent a lot of this morning in tears over it Madmouse when DH gave me my present I ended up blubbing again [stupid woman that I am] I'm ok now that eldest and her BF are here their all my rock ATM. x

KalSkirata no wonder you can't enjoy Christmas after that experience - hope you get through today ok.

No, KalSkirata, all my friends have gone away for Christmas. Anyway, I feel so rubbish now that I don't want to see anyone. But still feel lonely. Hate this.
Hate my partner for going to his mum's and leaving me alone.

Dotty stop calling yourself a stupid woman x

yellow that sucks - really sucks, I guess your friend can't collect you either?

Lots of crap tv, chocolate and nice food then to make the time pass? (Not that it will make you feel better)

No, madmouse, they have no car. I told them I was sick, not sure why, I just felt embarrassed to be spending the day alone. Thank you for starting the thread x

Aw....yellow, big hugs.....I hate hate hate Christmas, find it really claustrophobic....I've always had a rubbish time at Christmas, although nowhere near as horrible as some of the other people on this thread. There is so much pressure to do things one particular way, and to keep everyone else happy. Everything shuts down, so you can't even go and do "normal" things if you don't want to do Christmas.

id invite you over yellow. Mind you, my roast potatoes have turned into potato soup in the tray. Wish Dominos was open. Its now 2.30, clearly mother is going to keep with the hurt martyr thing and not come. She has a PhD in how to make xmas shit.

Kids are eating their dinner and I have had to leave the room and am upstairs hiding.
They asked why I'm sad but I couldnt tell them, no sense them being upset and worried over me, am not worth it.

Friend has been over with christmas presents and I just wanted to scream at her to get out, to take her presents and go.
She was really excited, kept saying open your presents, go on, hurry up, but I couldnt, her kids were getting really excited but I couldnt cope, it was horrible.

I hate what they have done, that I cant enjoy my childrens christmas because I'm scared.
My youngest this morning said is that it, how come I never got the other game I asked for? I thought I had done my best but it wasn't enough, I messed it up, got it wrong, just like I did all them years ago.

I have tried to make it all different, different food, no expectations but it still feels the same, still the fear and dread of what happens next, what they did next, from christmas eve to the day after boxing, everything they did, their rituals everything, I feel so sick, this is soo hard :(

Kalskirata, dottyspotty2, yellowraincoat, I'm sorry you are all struggling with today.

madmouse thankyou for this

madmouse you are a star. My Christmas misery comes before, am usually OK on the day, just to say I'm thinking of you all, and don't worry, do what you need to do if you can, (for me that was always crawl into bed for a bit).

ashamed. IME they always say something like that, it doesn't mean anything.

ashamed I wish your youngest had not said that, I'm sure they know they can't have everything. You are doing your best getting through the day. In a few hours it will all be over. You know where I am if you want to chat.

rudolph good advice - do what you can and no more. Glad the hard bit is over again for you.

Just popped back to see how you are all doing....sorry to see that a few more have joined since this am, but as some of you have said, thanks to madmouse for the thread.

Ashamed, blimey, it sounds like you have had a really awful time . You have done your best, please try not to be quite so hard on yourself. Sending a festive hug if that is ok?

And Yellow, seems a particularly unfair time to feel lonely - can you bung whatever you want on the telly and eat all the tree choccys? Have you any other plans that you might feel up to going ahead with between now and the 29th? xx

Stubbornstains, you sound a bit like me, and as you said, coming back to this thread puts my probs into perspective. And the pressure of Christmas really rings true with me. Have the parents and in-laws due for tea in a bit and really don't feel like any more "company", but it is just what is done at Christmas. Feeling a bit teary and grumpy and just wanting Christmas to be over for this year (where is the bah humbug smiley when you need it eh)? Grrr

All calmed down here now eldest and her BF have gone home she did the dishes for me she a great lass, we sat and talked in the kitchen about how its all progressing she's not impressed with her grandma. I think the fact that I am still popping painkillers most days for the stress induced headaches doesn't help when their all here, DH is out working now and its just me and youngest down stairs much calmer she's setting my new phone that her dad got me up. Maybe try and get an early night didn't have a great nights sleep last night. xx

Hope it's calming down for everyone now - it's gone 8pm all that's left to do is watch rubbish telly and try to get an early night x

Evening ladies,
have my new name used to be greyskull - anyway.
Today has been ok, but now the kids are in bed I am feeling sick about tomorrow.
We have been just the 4 of us today, doing thigns the way they work for us.
Tomorrow, my mother arrives. She will gush, like she has never experienced Christmas before, but with a sharpness to her voice that (thankfully DH now hears aswell) makes me feel like a bag of shit. "OOOOOOooooooh Minc pies" not as good as the ones I make "what lovely decorations" we would have had decorations but decided not to because there was no one to show them off to
"the boys are so good" considering they have a totally shit mother
"dh is amazing" to put up with you

etc.
I have been doing so well and feeling so strong, but she will make me quiver like a little girl who is about to be bollocked. Really really want to be strong

Never that sounds like a lovely day to look forward to - NOT

You KNOW she's wrong though, your dh has seen it too. Take strength from that. Smile and say 'yes mum' a lot.

Sometime ago someone in _chat said they play a kind of bingo at home when mum/MIL comes round. Make a list of all the things you know she's going to say then mentally cross them off as she says them!

Well my Christmas has been a pile of absolute wank. Woke up feeling 'weird' - possibly my postnatal anxiety - and struggled through dinner and then when at in laws had a breakdown after they'd made an astonishing effort to make things lovely for our first Christmas with our baby son. I've managed to ruin our baby's first Christmas for my husband, in laws and myself (yet another thing I've fucked up since the birth of our son). I'm sick of this selfish, selfish illness. How many more 'magical' moments are going to be ruined?