feeling very emotional and helpless....please talk to me

[m1sspiggy]

where do i begin? I am feeling very low. my self esteem has hit the floor since having dd as i have put on several stones due to comfort eating and on top of that i have an underactive thyroid which slows my metabolism down. This also leaves me feeling very tired and achy all the time.
Ever since i had dd i have always had this feeling at the back of my head that i'd made a mistake in having a baby (she was planned). My life (like everyones) has turned upside down. I don't ever blame my dd for this and i do love her with all my heart. I feel that this is my own fault and now i have to live with it.
will these feelings ever go away as things get easier - she is 9 months old.
i find i can't cope when she whines for something or just isn't in a good mood. Only last night i had read that you shouldn't react to this behaviour but then at lunch time today she refused to eat her food and moaned the whole time - even with fruit which she loves. i think i over reacted and didn't respond to her sweet cooings and babbles as she played happily in her high chair afterwards and i tidied up.
The scariest thing that is bothering me is the idea of giving this all up. I could never walk away from my dh (who is a wonderful,helpful and loving dh) and i wouldn't do that to my dd either. i couldn't live with myself for ever walking out on them and i couldn't leave them any other way. My mum has tried to od 3 times and i am still so angry with her for doing this that i know i couldn't put my dd through what i been through. But what if i get so low and feel so desperate that i even think of this? i can understand why my mum did it and only now know how low someone must feel to do it but i am cross that she actually would do that try and leave us.
Someone please help. i want this all to end and feel normal and happy again.

Hi Heavenis.

Not too bad today thank you. I still haven't told dh .

On sunday night Iafter reading mummyhills reply I plucked up the courage and said "there's a mum on here who got pnd because of her underactive thhyroid". He then asked " are you depressed?" and this is when I thought Ive got to go for it and said "yes". I think he thought I was joking and replied something like "you're not depressed!!". So i just said " no course I'm not if you say so". He then asked again seriosly " are you depressed?" but by now my courage was gone and i said no.

I've booked an appointment for another blood test. It's not until the 24th!

So i figured I'll just continue to keep going until I get the results of the test. If my levels are down then hopefully the thyroxine will be increased and will kick in.

I did wonder today...can pnd sort it self out eventually without any treatment?

I don't know if PND can just sort it's self out I have no experience.
Now that you have mentioned to your dh maybe you could say again. "You know I said about being depressed I was being serious."
Or how about leaving him a note and explain on there how your feeling and you find it hard to talk about, because you've been putting on an act.
Is the appointment the first one they had, could ring back and say your feeling ill on the med your on and maybe they could see you sooner.

Just want to bump this for anyone eles ideas.

Havent any new ideas to add,sounds like serious PND.

Sorry i cant be of much help,my PND was horrendous on two occassions.I found that talking was a fantastic way of getting negative feelings out of my system.

My PND did over time pass by,hope yours does too

If your husband finds it difficult, or hard to understand, you could explain that finding out/getting help for your depression will possibly help you to feel happier. If he loves you, this will be what he wants. Do share it with him, it will be a relief to you and I suspect that he will be glad in the long run. From your posts it sounds like perhaps he is already wondering about it.
How could anyone think you were weak after 9 months carrying and then giving birth to a child?!
I had bad undiagnosed PND which I hid from my HV because I was scared she would have taken my child away (and she might have). It didn't change for months, I was finally helped enormously by homeopathic treatment and it passed.
Good luck - you are doing really well for coming on here and getting support - keep going.

Just wanted to add my support
I have an underactive thyroid and a 10mth old and I'm finding it tough going too at times
I recommend...

• sleep as much as you can
• get some fresh air every day
• make sure you are drinking enough water
• remember parenthood is a tough job and a big transition

We women feel it's a sign of weakness to ask for help don't we!

The 'stongest' of women can be ill or sometimes just need a helping hand to get through a tough time.

I've worked with so many women who appeared invincible and was in awe of them and wondered how they coped, only to find out at later dates, they were actually human and could get things like PND. No one thought the worse of them at all. They are only human after all, just like you.

You may be surprised at everyone's reaction, ie your family, if you were to tell them. I'm sure they would be more than understanding and wished you had asked for their help earlier. What's the worst that could happen if you told your husband or mil or sil? Can't be anything worse than you are feeling now.

The relief when you manage to honestly tell someone close to you how you are really feeling will be immense and then you can start to get the support and help you need.

I find that since I approached my health visitor she has become much more supportive. She even comes round to the house to chat when dd is at nursery so that I can unburden myself. She kicked my gp into touch for not doing enough to support me and is allways there on the end of the phone if I need a chat. My parents are also being more supportive since I told them what was going on.

I have waffled a bit but the basic message is please talk to someone in rl who you feel will listen without trying to jolly you along, who will not judge and will be there when you need them. The HV may have a leaflet, which explains about pnd and how friends and family can help, that you could place somewhere strategic for dh to read.

If all else fails we are all here to offer as much support as we can. Hope your blood test results get you some help. CAT me if you want a private chat.

Hi everyone. Sorry I haven't been on for a couple of days.

I still haven't told him sorry! I've not been as bad as i was when i first started this thread, but every time i go over what has been said i start to feel the sadness again.Is it possible to feel good for a few days and then drop again? Is that how it is for others? I will tell dh but i think he has a lot going on at work at the mo and i don't want to add to his problems. I will let things settle for him and then tell him. In the mean time I am seeing the hv next week for dd check up and will approach the subject then.

I really need to thank all of you for caring and being so understanding and supportive. I really need it and you really are helping. I do try and answer others queries from time to time and i hope that i will be able to help and reply to your threads too (I have another name though!) and repay you for your kindness.

Take care and i'll talk to you soon.

Mummyhill - thank you for your offer of "catting" but i don't know how to!

Hi - i have only just picked up this thread but just wanted to add my support to you M1sspiggy ;-) I would like to suggest you talk to the GP about all this and find out what is actually wrong until you talk to your dh - you may be trying to say something to him that iss not really true?
On the other hand PND is not nice or easy to cope with - it can come and go and it is very easily managed with a small pill in the morning (well mine was anyway!!) I also kept it from everyone else cus I thought i was a good actress!

Hi M1sspiggy, so sorry to hear you're feeling so rubbish. I've been there and still very much have ups and downs, depending on what's going on in my life and whether I think about it too much. I do try to bury things but it only makes it worse.

I also wondered if I'd made a huge mistake in having a baby as it was far more of a shock to the system than I was expecting, and don't speak to me about comfort eating... i'm the size of a whale due to my choccy addiction

Like you I felt that I couldn't talk to my dh as he had enough to worry about, and I didn't really want to take medication. In the end it got so bad that I ended up taking 2 months off work. If I'd faced up to it earlier then maybe it wouldn't have got so bad.

I really think that you should see your GP asap, I am taking antidepressants and have found them really helpful. Just talking to the GP helped so much, I really unburdened myself and felt better for it. When I told dh he was really supportive and no-one has ever judged against me because I've been taking medication. It's a well known fact now amongst friends and colleagues, at first I tried to hide it and then I thought, "Why should I, if it was any other illness then I wouldn't hide it".

You will feel normal and happy again, you just need a little help. My dd is now 18 months and an absolute joy to me.

Dear motherofboys and tangerinecath
Thank you so much for your experiences. It is unbelievable how hearing others experiences can help build your confidence in yourself. I am so ready to talk to the hv now. Thank you everyone once again.

BY the way - i too am a total choc addict to the point where i am hiding it in the house so that dh doesn't know. I sound like a right two faced cow! I am going to join weight watchers on line today and try and get some of this weight off.

Good for you. Everything you are doing is a step in the right direction.
I've just started to do slimming world and need to loose at least 6 stone. This has been my first week and I have lost 7lb I know it'll slow down but at least the scales are going down. Good luck.

Misspiggy it sounds like you are still able to be a bit postive even though you're still feeling so awful. I agree with the mum who recommended socialising with others as isolation does make things worse. Could you bear to do some exercise in addition to weight watchers? I know it's hard to motivate yourself when you're depressed and don't feel good about yourself but if you were able to do some power walking/swimming you would probably start to feel a lot better due to release of endorphins etc. Good luck and hope you get the courage to tell dh as not doing so is increasing your load.

To CAT just click on contact another talker at the top of the page and then fill in the details it asks you for. HTH

m1sspiggy How was your weekend.

Hi sorry I haven't been on for a while.

You'll be pleased to know that i have told dh and the hv and have made to see the gp on tues!

I basically broke down in front of the hv yesterday and she suggested either anti-depressants, counselling or both. So we'll see what what the doc says.

I then told dh last night and gave him the leaflets.Then we talked til midnight and i found that i was revealing alot of stuff about myself that i never wanted to tell him before (ie about my feelings towards my mum and childhood stuff).

I feel alittle better but also vunerable too - does that make sense?

I would just like to say a huge thank you again to every one. I honestly believe that I would not have gone through with this without your support and kindness. This is what mumsnet is all about. Helping each other out if and when we can. Like i said before I hope that i can be there for you all too.

Take care and if you don't mind I will update again.

Hi m1sspiggy,
Only just seen your message.
Well done you.
It must have been very hard for you,but now your dh knows. How did he take it was he understanding.
Lets hope the doctor can help on tuesday, are you having your other med checked too.
Sending positive vibes to you.
Look forward to the update.
Take care.

I don't think you have your thyroxine levels sorted. My mum has an underactive thyroid and she felt suicidal until her dose went up a LOT. You absolutely must go back and get your dose upped. I feel for you.

Hi Heavenis - thank you for still being here. How's the weight watchers going? Congrats on your first loss. That was fantastic .

Well here's the update - I went to see the doc today who said he would like to try me with counselling first before we go down the route of meds. However, there is a waiting list of 2-3 months . Hubby said i can try going private as we are covered through his work.
In the meantime the doc said i should go and see him again in two weeks and we'll see how I get on.

I'm also going for my blood test this afternoon so hopefully I can get my meds increased and start feeling physically better too.

Aloha - Thank you for your message too.

P.S Hubby is very understanding and is being very gentle. There are times when I feel like he is now scared of me blowing up or breaking down!!!

Good luck hope you are feeling better. I have an appointment with my GP in about hald an hour to talk about PND. It sucks!!!

Hello, hope you are all well.

Still here!! The results of the blood test showed that there is no change and therefore i do not have to increase my dose??? so why do i feel so s*?
Having a tough week so far. Today i'm feeling really teary and i just want to shout at hubby for no reason. I really need to blow!!!

Anyway, I'm seeing the doc next week and might opt for the meds and ask to go private with the counselling.

Take care

Sorry - Donaldduck, how did you get on? I'm here to listen and share