ok...deep breath..this sounds stupid but is a huge problem for me can anyone help me out of this mess at all. Or even just talk to me. Thanks

[racingmind]

I feel really stupid posting something so personal on here but am at the point where I am actually desperate for help and this is so hard to talk to anyone in rl about.

Have posted before about having anxiety and not being able to cope mentally with one decision in particular that I made about a year ago and how this has affected my life but was too embarassed to admit what the actual decision was. It sounds too trivial for mental health, however when I tried posting it in another part of mn I realised its really hard to explain without the context of how this whole thing is affecting my mental health, as without this the situation seems quite straight forward. I also worry about making this "public" but I really really need to discuss this outside of my relationship and the very few ppl I have confided in in rl are either lost as to what to say or one friend was really judgemental and its put me off telling anyone else.

So here goes.

I have been really, really upset for the last ten months or so that I made the wrong decision with my son's name. I started having doubts about it when he was only a few weeks old but pretended it wasn't happening and then when I admitted I felt I had made a huge mistake my dp and the psychologist I was seeing at the time (I suffered from very bad anxiety when I was pregnant it was absolutely awful) both told me that this was just another symptom of my illness and the baby's name wasn't the real problem at all. Plus my dp point blank refused to change it.

Fast forward 10 months or so, and I tried all this time to believe it was just anxiety giving me what became really quite obsessive thoughts ("I have really messed up with his name. I am, starting to hate his name. I can't believe I ever agreed to it. I can't live with this but no one will take me seriously or let me put it right" etc etc all the bloody time. Attempting to deal with the anxiety which seemed to be fuelling this has involved me taking god knows how many different types of medication and a 2 month stay in a mother and baby unit (during which I begged dp every day to let me change the name but he just kept saying no this is just anxiety etc etc). I am ashamed of all this and very few people in rl actually know about me being in hospital or anything. Dp and I have nearly split up over it. Every time someone asks my sons name it starts in my head and I cant describe how angry I am with myself for agreeeing to call him it (I should not have compromised so much with dp over it which sounds very selfish but belive me, he would not be feeling ill about it a year later had we called him what I want to change it to initially).

I have since found out that plently of (ordinary)ppl change their minds about their children's names and go on to change them even up to 2 years old and older. Things have now reached a point where my dp finally said to me the other day "right I can't take any more of this, just change his name. Its far more important to you than it ever will be to me" Now, if this had happened 6 months ago then I would have immediately gone and done so. But here's the bloody wierd thing. Now he has finally given in I am scared to go ahead and actually do it. Why? I am scared of people's reactions now that my son is over a year old and although I am sure it will have no effect on him (he is a happy secure child who I don't think is massively aware of his name yet), I am just not strong enough for people thinking I am wierd, thinking its a shame for dp or ds, or basically any criticism of my decision. I cant face telling the staff in his nursery, dp's family, having to deal with their disapproval and having to keep reminding people to use the new name.

Basically this fear is also because I have, over the last year and a half of pretty poor mental health, lost all my self confidence. I have also been through a bereavement during this time as well, put on at least 2 stone and been a psychiatric patient so I no longer really recognise myself as the fairly confident sensible person I used to be. I was stupid enough to call him the wrong name in the first place so what if changing it makes me feel even more stupid (you may not think it but its quite humiliating at this stage when my son has just had his first birthday, etc), but at the same time I don't know if I can live with my son being called the name he is as it upsets me too much.

I feel basically like I am f*ed either way now and both me and my partner REALLY REALLY need to resolve this so we can try and move on from it as it been a pretty devastating time.

Any non judgemenatal thoughts on this? Or does anyone relate to it in any small way? I am totally isolated by this and completely at the end of my tether.

Sorry this is so long I think I just finally needed it off my chest in some way or another.

Poor you, you have really gone through the mill haven't you? :(

For what it's worth, we thought long and hard about baby names, had a sensible short list of ones that we both loved, chose when we met the baby so that we felt that the name fitted the child, all that stuff. But I still had wibbles about both names over the first year or so. A good friend has also confided that she felt the same about names. So I think that it's pretty normal.

It feels like a monumental decision, but now that I can feel rational about it, the name isn't really that big a deal, unless it's "Arse" or Scum", and I'm sure that you haven't named your child anything like that. :) Over the years, I've known people with unusual names, lots of people with very common names (as you'd expect!) and people with names that I think are quite old fashioned for their age, but it hasn't made any difference at all, past the few seconds when I've been introduced to them.

My Dad has some words of wisdom, which have helped me when I've been struggling - you don't have to make The Right Decision. There are lots of right decisions. You just have to make a good enough decision.

I hope that you will be able to get through this soon - the anxiety, the bereavement, the lack of confidence. Because you sound like a lovely person.

Oh Mrs Tittlemouse. Even in the depths of my sadness, where I am so upset with myself that I cant even stand to look in the mirror, you pointing out that at least I haven't named him Arse or Scum has made me smile a bit even through the tears so I thank you for that.

My sister has said a similar thing to me about decisions as your dad said there and I guess the problem is that I dont believe my decision was good enough. I cant find peace with it. It plagues me, literally makes me ill. I want my son to have a name I think is beautiful and unusual and he has neither. I know it shouldn't bother me so much but it really does, day after day and it makes me feel like a total idiot.

Its also because I'm pretty sure he will be my only child (mainly because of how pregnancy affected me, it scares the crap out of me even though I would love another baby) so I think jesus, you could have picked anything for the most important person in your life and it was your only chance to get it right and you picked THAT. Drives me bloody insane but yet I cant stop the thoughts.

Thank you for your response i really appreciate it x

Hi. Sorry for all you have gone through.Do you have another name in mind for your DS? FWIW, I think you should go ahead and change it. Does DS have a middle name? Lots of people don't use their given name. It sounds like something needs to change in order for you to move on. Good luck whatever you decide.

Yes I have always had another name in mind. Dp does not really like it and its taken me 10 months for him to say I can change it, I'm not sure if he even really means it. I feel huge pressure that I have to be 200% certain about doing this as its caused so much upset. No one in rl is supportive of me changing his name. One of my friends I confided in could not believe that I would even think of it and said "oh you cant possibly take him away and change his name". I shouldn't care what anyone else thinks as its not them feeling this pain, but I'm just not strong enough for that kind of reaction and for people thinking its just me being wierd and poor old dp is just going along with it even though he is perfectly happy with the name.

And, also, deep down I am scared what the hell will happen to me if this doesn't make me feel better? And I've gone round everyone telling them to call him a different name. It should be as straightforward as just changing the name but I'm at a stage where I feel like I can't do anything right and the fear is kind of paralysing me.

Sorry for all you have been through.

You sound a bit like me - I did change DD's name, but she was only a couple of weeks old. Although I hadn't registered it, I had told everyone so it was a bit embarrassing. And then I was still not sure I picked the right one, so I really considered changing it again about 7 weeks later!

BUT I have come to accept this won't make me happy, I will still have anxiety around the name. It is so bizzare, as I was able to choose my son's name so easily and I love it and have never wobbled.

It starts to remind me of the massive, all consuming anxiety I had surrounding my wedding dress. That's a whole other story, but basically I spend thousands on dresses I then had to return or sell or just give away. The one I wore was nice, but I spend the entire first year of marriage massively regretting the decision. I drove DH insane as it was nightly, I would cry and feel sick and wretched at what I had done. Ridiculous. Then I think that worry was replaced by the baby name worry when DD was born.

I have no advice really on what you should do, but I empathise, and I wish we could both chillax.

We really rushed into picking DD2's name as we had nothing decided on. I regretted it from the day she was registered and it caused months of stress and it took me nearly 2 years to decide I had to let it go. I didn't tell any one, not even DH, but i felt a little sick every time her name was mentioned.

She is 4 now and is a delight and has a great personality and I think I've come to the conclusion that it wouldn't matter what her name is as she is such a character. I still don't like her name (and feel sad when I hear beautiful girls names) but I adore her and I suppose that's enough really.

I hope you can get some peace soon. You sound like a very very good mum x.

Glad that I could make you smile. :)

I had another thought. I went through the mill a bit when my eldest was born (massive understatement). When I was pregnant with my second (a bit unexpected and I wasn't really mentally prepared), I found myself completely obsessed about her name. I would tie myself up in knots about what I was going to call my baby. I wise friend of mine pointed out that given my anxiety about the whole birth thing, and my fears that I would go through the same experience again, it wasn't surprising that I was stressed out, and that my worries about the name might well be transference of my worries about the delivery. Because at least the name was something that I had a degree of control over!

Could that be the case for you? Certainly it sounds as though you have a lot of stress in your life right now. :(

I just want to say I understand. Totally.
I think you are normal and sensible btw. I wonder if your dp is more forceful than you and you tend to give in to him while not really feeling happy about it?
I think you could change his name, just tell people it was one of his middle names if you like..it doesn't matter. He is your son and it is important you feel happy with his name and that you go with your own judgement on this. That you trust yourself.
I wonder if your fear comes from the feeling you have let him down?.. you haven't, but its a feeling I have tortured myself with too and have come out the other side.
It can be your decision to do this and your dp will have to take a backseat. .. how could it go wrong anyway?
You can't please everyone, just go with what you feel is right on this and go ahead.

Thank you all SO much for your replies you dont know what it means to me that people understand this.

deliakate yup we sound very similar and if I am going to be totally honest the problem with changing the name now is I am slightly scared I get it "wrong" again and I have recently started liking a third name and this frightens me a bit. The thing with your wedding dress, I think its the same feeling, that nothing is special enough, you just want it to be so right, and maybe nothing ever really matches up. My psychologist said I was a perfectionist who has to beat themsleves up whenever they think they have made a mistake. I torture myself about this decision and frankly dp is sick and tired of hearing about it.

playdead thank you for sharing that with me its gfood to know you can find peace even after a long time of feeling like that. Can I ask did you not ever consider changing her name though?

mrst yes everyone has said they think it is transference of stress and anxiety I have gone along with that theory and accepted a lot of help including hospitalisation for anxietyn as a result but sadly the feelings about the name itself remain strong and I cant help feeling that if I had made a different decision about that one thing (it was very important to me) then at least I would not be crucifying myself over this on top of everything else.

Think you should try using the name you want out before going ahead and changing it formally (how long do you have before you are unable to change it?). Would his current legal first name work as a middle name? That might help you get round your issues of "what other's will think" (ie let them carry on calling him by his new middle name until such time that ds can talk for himself and say "I want to be known by X because that's what mummy calls me" ).

Btw racingmind I'm really not trying to make a joke out of your situation . So apologies if my above post has come out that way.

And I'm sure you know this but this kind of anxious loss of confidence and perspective is often due to a combination of personality... maybe liking things to be perfect [or that could just be me]?, emotional stress.. a new child is a huge responsibility.. and the support networks and relationships in your life to support you [ or not] and past [ especially negative] experiences.

It sounds to me, and I have been there in the midst of bereavement and pnd, that the name thing is a convenient handle on which to hang your anxieties. By all means change the name if you don't like it, it really isn't that much of a big deal. Don't expect it to make your anxieties to go poof though.

Maybe make an appt with the Gp, but first go and change the name, you can't obsess about this for any longer, sooner you solve this issue you can deal with your actual issues.

I second LivingDead. My feeling is that your DC's name is just a 'tangible' handle on which you can hang your sense of failure which has come about due to PND and anxiety issues. I believe that if it wasn't that, it'd be something else.

I made a mistake with DS2's name (he's 10 now) but- and here I am not saying 'I'm normal/you're not', I'm saying you recognise you have some MH issues- I can pretty much shrug it off. I would have substituted one Apostle's name for another or similar (he's called Andy and I wish I'd called him Robert) but ho hum. He doesn't care so nor should I.

I think the fact you have come up with another name in your mind is a warning sign that this isn't about his name, really, it's about your perfectionism and Getting It Right Every Time. The fact it is obsessing you (and potentially driving a wedge between you and DP) doesn't mean you should act on it.

I think you need more support to work throughwhy you have latched onto it as the issue.

Best of luck!

I think I was embarrassed that I had rushed the decision and made a mistake. I've never admitted it to anyone.

I was also worried that if I did change it I might regret the new name as well.

Maybe, as mentioned already, it's from being a perfectionist. DD2 was born with a cleft lip and, as I felt responsible, I probably transferred this guilt onto her name.

I now realise that names are not actually as important as I thought at the time and as it's not an inoffensive name she will be just fine.

I'm not sure if changing your sons name is the right decision as I don't think the problem lies with the name ( but as I don't know you feel free to ignore me) but changing the name isn't that big of a deal really. In our parents and grandparents time it happened more than now. People will get used to it. He is YOUR son. It's your decision.

I think if you really want to change his name you should do it before he gets much older. My DD is nearly 3 and has recognized her name for a little while now. The longer you leave it the harder it will be for all involved also the dc might get confused about his name/identity.
If you do want to change his name what about using the name he has now as a middle name?
On the other hand you could leave his name as it is and just learn to live with it.
I think you need to discuss it with your DP again.
I hope you come to some sort of decision soon.
Best of luck whatever you decide.

I agree with Living, it sounds like you've attached a huge sense of meaning to the name of your son, and it's probably tied up with all of the terrible things you've been through, you poor love. The thing is, changing your son's name will not resolve your anxiety or help you through bereavement or help you feel confident and strong and well again. I'm a bit worried that you'll make the decision and change the name, but your circumstances wont change; it's not a fix-all.

I'm sure the name itself is fine and not hideous, you've just fixated on it as something that you have control over maybe? I am so sorry that you're feeling this anxious and sad.

I don't think that focusing on the name and changing it will really help but, maybe as a way of giving you some control, could you pick a lovely nickname and call your son that? Something lovely and cute and 'yours' maybe?

I had a friend who changed her daughter's name when she was about 7 months old. I was surprised as I'd never come across anyone who had done it before but I just thought "she's your daughter, it's your choice"-now I don't even think about it. Guaranteed, in a few months, no-one will even give it a second thought.

If you do go ahead and change it, just be really matter of fact about it. Also, memorise some replies if anyone says anything negative, something like "we'd always liked "John" and couldn't decide so started calling him "Robert" instead but realised the first name suits him better.

I can totally empathise with the whole "perfectionist" thing by the way. I find it hard to make decisions too and am always second guessing myself or have to talk over and over and over with friends. I felt upset for about a year after my wedding over the choice of band(!) I still sometimes wish we'd called DS my choice instead of DH's (although I'm happy with his name).

Good luck with it and hope you can come to a decision that makes you happy.

Thank you all for your posts.

To be fair, I have totally acknowledged that changing my son's name will not magically rid me of all my anxiety. Believe me, if I thought that was the case then I would have done it months ago and not given a monkeys about what dp thought as living with this level of stress and anxiety is actually a pretty grim existance.

I dropped him off at nursery this morning and a little boy was going, as he usually does, "X's mummy, X's mummy!" and pointing at me and it made me want to cry at the thought of getting everyone to start calling him Y instead.

I dont think I have the strength to change the name right now (sounds pathetic to anyone whose never actually tried to do this with no support). I want to learn to live with making "bad" decisions and I guess I need to start with this one.

I workde in a childcare setting for a while, and one day a mum came in and said that she'd changed her daughter's name. She was from Zimbabwe, and had initially called her something quite bonkers unique, and was changing it to the equivalent of Sally.

Honestly, after about a week, no-one gave it a second thought.

If you do decide to change, you could hyphenate for a while if your DS already knows his name. You could call him Paul-Steven, for example, then gradually drop the Paul.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

good idea to keep current name as middle name.
also agree about making your own decisions.. try wearing different outfits and driving to different places, do something new every day however small.

Sorry to hear you're having such a hard time - for what it's worth my uncle just changed his name and he's 82! On the subject of your perfectionism, i've posted on other threads about this and i know im beginning to sound like I've got a vested interest, but I just want as many people to know about this as possible because it really has worked for my daughter. Please look at the linden method Www.thelindenmethod.co.uk it has really helped my daughter . I saw results in two or three days. It makes so much sense. You sound like such a nice person and it's such a shame not to be enjoying this lovely part of your life. Ask me if you want to know anything else.

Also, I read an interesting piece in I think it was the FT Weekend Magazine (fab regular column by a shrink) about people who have difficulty making decisions. Its not so much the acceptance of the choice you have made that is the problem, it is that making that choice means a rejection of all other options. Some people want to have all of the options open to them all of the time, and can't bear it when they are not.

It doesn't matter what the current people you know think of your child's name. If you want to change it do it, his peers will not be his peers for his whole life. It may be slightly awkward with the people you know now, or his current friends, these people will change.

It is you and your Son that are important.