ok...deep breath..this sounds stupid but is a huge problem for me can anyone help me out of this mess at all. Or even just talk to me. Thanks

[racingmind]

I feel really stupid posting something so personal on here but am at the point where I am actually desperate for help and this is so hard to talk to anyone in rl about.

Have posted before about having anxiety and not being able to cope mentally with one decision in particular that I made about a year ago and how this has affected my life but was too embarassed to admit what the actual decision was. It sounds too trivial for mental health, however when I tried posting it in another part of mn I realised its really hard to explain without the context of how this whole thing is affecting my mental health, as without this the situation seems quite straight forward. I also worry about making this "public" but I really really need to discuss this outside of my relationship and the very few ppl I have confided in in rl are either lost as to what to say or one friend was really judgemental and its put me off telling anyone else.

So here goes.

I have been really, really upset for the last ten months or so that I made the wrong decision with my son's name. I started having doubts about it when he was only a few weeks old but pretended it wasn't happening and then when I admitted I felt I had made a huge mistake my dp and the psychologist I was seeing at the time (I suffered from very bad anxiety when I was pregnant it was absolutely awful) both told me that this was just another symptom of my illness and the baby's name wasn't the real problem at all. Plus my dp point blank refused to change it.

Fast forward 10 months or so, and I tried all this time to believe it was just anxiety giving me what became really quite obsessive thoughts ("I have really messed up with his name. I am, starting to hate his name. I can't believe I ever agreed to it. I can't live with this but no one will take me seriously or let me put it right" etc etc all the bloody time. Attempting to deal with the anxiety which seemed to be fuelling this has involved me taking god knows how many different types of medication and a 2 month stay in a mother and baby unit (during which I begged dp every day to let me change the name but he just kept saying no this is just anxiety etc etc). I am ashamed of all this and very few people in rl actually know about me being in hospital or anything. Dp and I have nearly split up over it. Every time someone asks my sons name it starts in my head and I cant describe how angry I am with myself for agreeeing to call him it (I should not have compromised so much with dp over it which sounds very selfish but belive me, he would not be feeling ill about it a year later had we called him what I want to change it to initially).

I have since found out that plently of (ordinary)ppl change their minds about their children's names and go on to change them even up to 2 years old and older. Things have now reached a point where my dp finally said to me the other day "right I can't take any more of this, just change his name. Its far more important to you than it ever will be to me" Now, if this had happened 6 months ago then I would have immediately gone and done so. But here's the bloody wierd thing. Now he has finally given in I am scared to go ahead and actually do it. Why? I am scared of people's reactions now that my son is over a year old and although I am sure it will have no effect on him (he is a happy secure child who I don't think is massively aware of his name yet), I am just not strong enough for people thinking I am wierd, thinking its a shame for dp or ds, or basically any criticism of my decision. I cant face telling the staff in his nursery, dp's family, having to deal with their disapproval and having to keep reminding people to use the new name.

Basically this fear is also because I have, over the last year and a half of pretty poor mental health, lost all my self confidence. I have also been through a bereavement during this time as well, put on at least 2 stone and been a psychiatric patient so I no longer really recognise myself as the fairly confident sensible person I used to be. I was stupid enough to call him the wrong name in the first place so what if changing it makes me feel even more stupid (you may not think it but its quite humiliating at this stage when my son has just had his first birthday, etc), but at the same time I don't know if I can live with my son being called the name he is as it upsets me too much.

I feel basically like I am f*ed either way now and both me and my partner REALLY REALLY need to resolve this so we can try and move on from it as it been a pretty devastating time.

Any non judgemenatal thoughts on this? Or does anyone relate to it in any small way? I am totally isolated by this and completely at the end of my tether.

Sorry this is so long I think I just finally needed it off my chest in some way or another.

I remember you. Change his name. Do it now - early xmas present to yourself.
Anyone else don't like it tough titties. Was at a girl at uni who changed her name halfway through the course - we all respected her wishes to be known by a different name. Do it now. Don't look back. He may change it by deed poll at 18 anyway like richard branson's nephew

Honestly? - I just want to sit you on my knee and hug you till the world just stops. I can feel your pain and your anxiety pouring out - it's not fair and it's not right :(

I think what others have said is right, your DS's name is just 'the thing' you have hung your anxiety on, however I think you should change his name. Your anxiety and his name are so entwined in your mind that I don't think you are going to be able to separate the two out.

My friends DD has a friend at school that is onto her 3rd 'known as' name. All three changes have been her Mum's decision, not hers. They are 6 - so basically one per school year!! Admittedly they are all a part of her name or middle name etc - but that doesn't really matter does it. She's 6 - every school year she has been known as a completely different name!

At almost 2 your DS will recognise his name - but wont have any attachment to it really, so if you are going to do it, then do it soon before he does. Just double barrel it for a wee while then drop the old name.

How would you feel about choosing a completely different name and not just using the name you like but DH doesn't?

racingmind you poor thing. Sending you a massive hug and a squeeze.

I understand about the name. Ds is 10 weeks old and it was acweek and a half before we announced his name because we couldn't decide. I'm not sure we made the right decision. In the end he had the other name as a middle name and I don't even like the order of his middle names (he has two cause I wanted him to have my dads name as he died just before I got pg) so the three together are a right bloody mouthful. He ended u with the more traditional one. Maybe dh and I just didn't have the guts to call him the other name. I'd always said that I wanted a name that can have different nicknames so he has a choice. The one we used does have this, the middle one doesn't. I'm hoping that once he becomes his own little person I will see the name only meaning him iyswim.

You don't sound sure when talking about actually changing his name though. It is built up to be such a massive thing, picking the name. Our sobs may well decide on a completely different name when they are older. So I have decided to leave it to him. My son can pick from 7 names out of the three names he was given or choose his own. Why not leave it for him to decide?

With names there is no right answer. The closest you will get is your child liking their name.

Rather than almost making yourself live with it as a punishment simply decide to allow him to choose.

How about a special nickname that you can use for him?

Pit youdelf back in control and make the 'right' decision for you. But remember there are very few decisions that cannot be changed. Just make the right decision for right now, tomorrow make the right one for then!

I will not see the name

Did your DP choose his name? So it's not that you made the wrong choice at all, you were generous and let your DP choose. do you think over time you could come to think of it that way?

God I wish I had opened up to other people about this 10 months ago and I probably would have just gone ahead and changed it. But then thats so easy to say now when at the time dp completely refused and is only saying its ok now because he cant stand me going on about it and we are on the verge of splitting up now anyway.

I feel like its too late. I have been through so much shit with dp over this I dont know if it would be the final nail in the coffin of our relationship. And the other name even feels kind of tainted in a way now its caused so much grief.

I know what you are all saying about other people not batting an eyelid as thats how I would be if it was someone else, but I have to say thats not been my experience as the people surrounding me have made me feel like crap over this. And its not quite so straightforward when my partner doesnt support my decision. At all.

What I want is the impossible. To turn back time. I haven't got the confidence in my ability to make decent decisions anymore so I'm kind of paralysed to sort this out.

There is a long and a short version of his name and its the longer one I have the biggest problem with. I actually like the shortened version I just feel so massively panicked when I look at him and think its not good enough, not special enough, a big mistake like so many other things I've messed up since I got pregnant. Its the fact that so many other kids share the name too it sounds stupid but it really upsets me. Maybe it is, in all honesty yet another affront to my all but completely diminished self image- I am a fat anxious frump who cant stand people to even look at me when I used to be a funny and attractive self assured woman, and my son has a bog standard name when I always imagined it would be something special. Sorry if that sounds stupid or shallow. This sounds really wanky but I have lost my identity and this name business is just another part of that in my mind.

deliakate that article describes me pretty well by the sounds of it. Any idea where I could maybe read it?

I am getting the impression your dp is undermining you and he sounds a bit inflexible and worried about what other people will think instead of hearing what is important to you.

Its the fact that so many other kids share the name too it sounds stupid but it really upsets me. Maybe it is, in all honesty yet another affront to my all but completely diminished self image- I am a fat anxious frump who cant stand people to even look at me when I used to be a funny and attractive self assured woman, and my son has a bog standard name when I always imagined it would be something special. Sorry if that sounds stupid or shallow. This sounds really wanky but I have lost my identity and this name business is just another part of that in my mind.

But it's not his name that will make him special or stand out. It won't make him attractive or popular. He isn't going to be more funny or less likely to be fat if you'd given him a different name. You wouldn't be a better mum if he had an off the wall name.

You are his mum. You love him. He loves you. He has the best name in the word; son.

Use the shortened version of his name, encourage everyone else too.

how are you now racingmind?

racingmind,thinking of you.I have severe OCD in the form of ruminating thoughts,often there is not an answer and you have to just live with your anxieties.You are a lovely and caring individual,with empathy and courage.

Thank you for all your posts and for asking how I am. To be perfectly honest, i really wasn't expecting so many of you to say i should change the name and have been a bit nervous about posting as i don't actually think that is what i am going to do and I'm sorry if any of you think i am just a timewaster.

Ironically (if that is the right word), it has been seeming to have the choice to change it that has made me feel less like I can go ahead and change the name. dp does not like the new name. He is not undermining me as such, it is more that he has reached the end of his tether as I have been suffering from constant obsessive anxiety for the best part of 2 years now. I feel as if unless i can absolutely guarantee that giving my son a new name that my dp is not happy with will make me a great deal happier then I will probably be creating more problems than i solve. I have realised over the lst couple of weeks just how much i really do want to save my relationship as we have been through so much together.

i have also opened up to a couple of ppl in rl about the name (was too embarasses to before)and they have reassured me about using the shortenede version of the current name.

Maybe i am just being a wimp but you know what I want more than any name for my son is for me to be able to break free of these type of obsessive anxious thoughts and to learn to live with the decisions i make in life as all of this has totally crippled me emotionally. I want to learn to live again without constant fear, i want to reclaim my life from depression and anxiety.

Maybe this could be a start. i dont know this is so difficult.

racingmind, did you look at the linden method website at all?

Don`t feel alone,I am a fellow sufferer!

I understand that, racing, but looking at it another way, part of ridding yourself of your obsessions/ anxieties will involve taking action.. action is the opposite of fear.
Being unable to take the action to change the name because you have to be responsible for the outcome is sort of the point.
Then you will realise that when you make choices, especially ones not everyone agrees with, the world doesn't end and you husband will adjust to the new name.

Do you know what? No name will be good enough for your most perfect and wonderful child. I am happy (pretty much) with the names we chose for my children, but I still don't think they are special enough for my beautiful girls. Nothing could be.
In my case, the name I am most unsure about is the one of my daughter who died. I can't change that, but I still feel guilty that I couldn't come up with a name that was good enough. I have come to understand that nothing is good enough. No name can encompass everything I feel about her. Names seem such an important part of a person, but actually it is really hard to get it wildly wrong. If it is so wrong, the child will change it themself (obviously my DD can't, but in most cases).
My cousin was given a ridiculous name. As a child he changed it. Now, as a fairly eccentric adult, he has gone back to using a shortened form of his given name. Made me realise that names can be quite fluid and changeable. Actually, come to think of it, I used my middle name for a while.

What I'm trying to say is that you have built it up to such a big issue that whatever action you take will be tricky. If you change it, you will be anxious, yet if you don't you still are. My advice would be to separate the actual name from the feelings behind that. He is perfect, just because his name doesn't represent that perfectly doesn't mean you have let him down.

Take care lovely, please try and look after yourself. :)

I'd love to hear whether the Linden method works for you

I am a bit dubious about the linden method having poured a lot of money into another method of dealing with anxiety years ago which was shrouded in mystery, turned out to be very basic relaxation techniques but relieved me of a large amount of money for something I could teach anyone in literally 5 minutes.

I am also a bit concerned about how many people keep suggesting the linden method on here without actually just saying what it is. But please, i really , really do not want to get into a debate about this on here. Maybe there could ne a linden method thread for those who want to tell others about it or find out more?

Racing how are you today?

Look at the linden website and you'll see what it's about -no vested interest at all , just trying to help. He explains it all really well on the site before you sign up for it and it's not too expensive, expensive but not compared to other things available I had great success with it with my daughter. I came onto mumsnet looking for help when she first had anxiety and I just want to give a bit of that help back . I looked at the lightning process which was £600 and I looked at the linden method which is just over £100 and the linden method worked, but honestly, I was just trying to help !

could you not just describe what it is since racing has said she doesn't want to look at the site?
racing, does saying his name make you anxious or make you feel differently about your son ?

just wanted to add that I feel just like you racing about DD2's name. DP chose it and refused to consider any other. I really don't think it suits her and feel quite sad if people use it. I really like her 2 middle names - one chosen by me and the other by DD1 - and am mentally trying out both of those. I really might try to get others to use them too.

No the name does not make me feel differently about my son, I adore him, but yes I do get anxious saying it sometimes as I dont think it was the best choice and am very hard on myself about this, even tho as dp keeps pointing out it was not just my decision.

I gave him his dad's name as a middle name as I kind of thought that middle names were for sentimental value so to speak, and that I now massively regret as if I'd picked the name I really liked it would maybe have been easier to start using it. Or maybe thats me just being really hard on myself again as the issue would still be that dp doesn't like the other name I like.

Jomal i realise you are just trying to help. Could you maybe just explain exactly what the linden method involves as I do not seem to be able to find a straight answer to this on their website or anywhere else.

Have a look at this, his explanations about why people get anxiety and emotional intelligence and perfectionism etc all make sense to me and his approach to eliminating it too not only make sense but work too. I feel uneasy just listing what his approach is mainly because the way he writes and speaks is way better than I could do justice to -he outlines nine rules that you have to apply strictly to your life to eliminate the anxiety, none of which involve drugs or effort or psychology. I see he now has an app which would make it much cheaper too. I read masses on this before I forked out money and honest there is nothing in it for me I just read your post and thought that it would help .

I am a lot like you racing with the perfection issues and finding it hard to make a decision and live with bad ones, feeling anxious and stressed out... I've realised that I will always be like this, and i've learnt to try and decide when I get stressed about a bad decision, just how important it actually is, not to anybody else, but to me. Here's a couple of silly every day examples: the other day i bought a dress for my dd, in her current size, it was more expensive than i can really afford but loved it. I got it home and realised that it wouldn't fit her for long and the anxiety started, I should have bought it in a bigger size, why didn't i etc etc?...it would be hard to have changed it. I suffer proper anxiety for such silly issues such as this. I realised that actually it is not a big deal, she looks beautiful in it now and I will enjoy it for the next 2 months, rahter than 4, but i had to really convince myself of this. But, another example was that a while ago i bought a rug for my new flat. i got it home, excitedly unwrapped and realised it was too small. Now, we don't have much money, but i was so disappointed as i haven't had a proper home for a long while. I couldn't get back to the shop to change it unless i took a taxi, and I decided to change it as it mattered so much to me. I spent some of my savings to do that. Bonkers. But, i am pleased everyday that i did, and the money was worth it, becuase I now love love love my carpet in my little flat, whereas i felt so cross everytime i saw the other rug! Now, i definitely have issues and get hung up on things that maybe other people would be able to bypass, but that is the way i am, and it is going to take a good while, if ever, for me to change.

so, what I am trying to say is, how important is this issue to you, do you definitely prefer another name? Even if you have got anxiety issues, it doesn't mean that you can't trust yourself to make a decision that might seem bonkers to everyone else. Obviously your son's name is a much bigger deal than the ones i have listed above, but try and work out how important it is, will you regret it another 10months down the line if you don't change it, and whether it is worth following it through. I can imagine how churned up you must be feeling about this (I was so churned up about that -bloody- rug and it is just a rug!) , so big hugs. But yes, also be aware that changing his name will cause you initial anxiety, worrying what people think, so be prepared for this if you decide to do it. But after the initial anxiety you might feel relieved that you trusted your instincts?

good luck with your decision. x

sorry for a rambling response, i know you not interested in dresses and rugs, i was just trying to highlight how when you live with anxieties, some things are more worth listening to than others. if it didn't help sorry for the ramble!!!