I have been struggling with severe anxiety and depression this past summer. I stopped taking my ADs (sertraline) with my GP's knowledge and support, back in April. I'd been on them since summer 2008, when DS was 6 months old. His birth was one of those train-wreck ones, and lead to me having PTSD and severe anxiety disorder. The ADs definitely helped, as did counselling.
I needed to get off the ADs because the side-effects were intolerable. Night sweats and a complete shut-off of my libido. I've tried at least half a dozen different kinds, they all do this to me, the sertraline was simply the one I tolerated best.
So I stopped taking them in April, and did reasonably well for a few months, but in July realized that everything was just shit. The anxiety was back full-force, and lead to so much internal tension and irritability that I constantly felt like I was going to explode. The realization hit hardest when we were on holiday for two weeks and every single one of those days I felt like I could have just screamed from tension. And I've had crippling insomnia.
Since July/Aug I've been working on things, improving my nutrition, cutting down the caffeine, trying to slow down and cram less into every available minute, have more me-time... all those things that are good to do and that do help. I've gone back to my counsellor and that's helped too.
Some days are still just utter, utter crap. Sometimes I feel like I'm near a panic attack. My chest gets so tight I nearly can't breathe. Or I feel the internal tension rising like a pressure cooker.
I can't handle any stress. If my days are ticking along ok, I'm mostly fine. Add in any stress and I'm on the edge of not coping. I always do cope eventually, that's just what I do, but I often feel like I just can't. And then I do anyway.
This has been a really stressful week. I have a work-related situation that will be extremely stressful for the next two months - it's unavoidable. I am so far behind on my paperwork - which complicates the situation and could have severe consequences.
DH is going away on a course for three weeks on Saturday. My mum is coming to help for a week, which is great, but after that it's just me and DS until DH gets back.
And I'm going to be having (hopefully minor) knee surgery in December.
Today it all feels a bit too much. I definitely have PMT - can always tell that that's a factor because I get tearful in addition to everything else.
I have been a shit wife to my wonderful DH. I don't know how he puts up with me. I think he's getting fed up with me often being in a bad mood, as he thinks of it. I've tried to explain but I don't know if he really gets it though. Not because he's an arsehole, he's the best guy in the world. But maybe I suck at explaining, and also, it's sometimes easier just to soldier on than to constantly try to explain.
And I have been a shit mummy to DS. I try so hard not to shout at him. He's only 3.8, it's not his fault that he's being a three-year-old. And he's so lovely, he really is - he deserves a much better mummy than I'm currently being. I hate when he says "I'm scared of your yelling" when I get frustrated with him, but thank god at least he says something, rather than internalizing it. When he tells me I've upset him I always immediately say "I'm sorry, Mummy is having a hard day" and then he immediately apologizes for what he's done. Today he said, "do you want a kiss to have a better day?" Damn - I just wanted to cry right then.
I'm trying, I'm really really trying. I'm not just sitting here saying "I have anxiety disorder, the world just has to deal with it". I'm trying to get better. Some days are just so hard. And I try so hard not to become negative and bitter, but this week has been utter shit (and it's only Wednesday) and there's a part of me that says "I knew I should never have said that I'm feeling better, I should have known it was too good to last, I should have known that the universe would find a way to kick me in the teeth". And I don't want to be that kind of person - I can't stand negative people like that!
I'm lonely, too. I'm so damn busy all the time, I try to make time for friends, but everyone has their own problems, and I was burned very badly by a former friendship breaking up just after JB was born, burned to the point where I've stopped confiding in a lot of people. It just takes a few comments like "well you don't look like an anxious/depressed person" to shut down the desire to say anything. I have my friends on the Tea Room thread whom I love to bits and talk to, but I can't dump all this on them all the time. I wish I had a close RL friend again - I have several casual friends, but I don't have a close girlfriend, and I wish I did. But if I did, would it be fair to her to dump all this on her? Friends aren't therapists, it's ok to vent occasionally I think, but friends shouldn't be expected to solve mental health problems. I just wish I had someone who I could just be myself with, instead of this cheerful competent mummy and professional I'm supposed to be. I look like I have it all together. I really really don't.