My "diary" thread to help me vent my anxiety/depression. Could use some comfort and hand-holding but please don't feel compelled to post.

[Jacksmania]

I have been struggling with severe anxiety and depression this past summer. I stopped taking my ADs (sertraline) with my GP's knowledge and support, back in April. I'd been on them since summer 2008, when DS was 6 months old. His birth was one of those train-wreck ones, and lead to me having PTSD and severe anxiety disorder. The ADs definitely helped, as did counselling.

I needed to get off the ADs because the side-effects were intolerable. Night sweats and a complete shut-off of my libido. I've tried at least half a dozen different kinds, they all do this to me, the sertraline was simply the one I tolerated best.

So I stopped taking them in April, and did reasonably well for a few months, but in July realized that everything was just shit. The anxiety was back full-force, and lead to so much internal tension and irritability that I constantly felt like I was going to explode. The realization hit hardest when we were on holiday for two weeks and every single one of those days I felt like I could have just screamed from tension. And I've had crippling insomnia.

Since July/Aug I've been working on things, improving my nutrition, cutting down the caffeine, trying to slow down and cram less into every available minute, have more me-time... all those things that are good to do and that do help. I've gone back to my counsellor and that's helped too.

Some days are still just utter, utter crap. Sometimes I feel like I'm near a panic attack. My chest gets so tight I nearly can't breathe. Or I feel the internal tension rising like a pressure cooker.

I can't handle any stress. If my days are ticking along ok, I'm mostly fine. Add in any stress and I'm on the edge of not coping. I always do cope eventually, that's just what I do, but I often feel like I just can't. And then I do anyway.

This has been a really stressful week. I have a work-related situation that will be extremely stressful for the next two months - it's unavoidable. I am so far behind on my paperwork - which complicates the situation and could have severe consequences.

DH is going away on a course for three weeks on Saturday. My mum is coming to help for a week, which is great, but after that it's just me and DS until DH gets back.

And I'm going to be having (hopefully minor) knee surgery in December.

Today it all feels a bit too much. I definitely have PMT - can always tell that that's a factor because I get tearful in addition to everything else.

I have been a shit wife to my wonderful DH. I don't know how he puts up with me. I think he's getting fed up with me often being in a bad mood, as he thinks of it. I've tried to explain but I don't know if he really gets it though. Not because he's an arsehole, he's the best guy in the world. But maybe I suck at explaining, and also, it's sometimes easier just to soldier on than to constantly try to explain.

And I have been a shit mummy to DS. I try so hard not to shout at him. He's only 3.8, it's not his fault that he's being a three-year-old. And he's so lovely, he really is - he deserves a much better mummy than I'm currently being. I hate when he says "I'm scared of your yelling" when I get frustrated with him, but thank god at least he says something, rather than internalizing it. When he tells me I've upset him I always immediately say "I'm sorry, Mummy is having a hard day" and then he immediately apologizes for what he's done. Today he said, "do you want a kiss to have a better day?" Damn - I just wanted to cry right then.

I'm trying, I'm really really trying. I'm not just sitting here saying "I have anxiety disorder, the world just has to deal with it". I'm trying to get better. Some days are just so hard. And I try so hard not to become negative and bitter, but this week has been utter shit (and it's only Wednesday) and there's a part of me that says "I knew I should never have said that I'm feeling better, I should have known it was too good to last, I should have known that the universe would find a way to kick me in the teeth". And I don't want to be that kind of person - I can't stand negative people like that!

I'm lonely, too. I'm so damn busy all the time, I try to make time for friends, but everyone has their own problems, and I was burned very badly by a former friendship breaking up just after JB was born, burned to the point where I've stopped confiding in a lot of people. It just takes a few comments like "well you don't look like an anxious/depressed person" to shut down the desire to say anything. I have my friends on the Tea Room thread whom I love to bits and talk to, but I can't dump all this on them all the time. I wish I had a close RL friend again - I have several casual friends, but I don't have a close girlfriend, and I wish I did. But if I did, would it be fair to her to dump all this on her? Friends aren't therapists, it's ok to vent occasionally I think, but friends shouldn't be expected to solve mental health problems. I just wish I had someone who I could just be myself with, instead of this cheerful competent mummy and professional I'm supposed to be. I look like I have it all together. I really really don't.

Have you ever been prescribed propanalol for anxiety? You can take it only when you feel like it. I take it if I am feeling stressed. I have had anxiety for years and it was really bad after I had ds. I actually avoided situations which was not good either and its affected my confidence. Am feeling a bit better but its been a slow process. I recently bought the Charles Linden method so will let you know how I get on with it.

Quite happy to hold your hand.

It's funny you should say that - I had a very stressful summer in college decades ago and was prescribed propranolol. Was just thinking the other day, wondering if I should go back to GP and ask for some.
I might just do that. Some days the pain in my chest is so severe I feel like someone is squeezing my ribs. And I can feel the adrenaline flood me and I feel so sorry for my poor little adrenals. :( They're probably tiny little shriveled husks.

Thank you for the hand to hold .

Do you ever feel so terrible that when someone is sympathetic you just want to break down and sob? :( I feel so pathetic a lot of the time.

I know what you mean. Sometimes I find it far easier to talk about it to people I don't know than people I do.

I found hypnotherapy very helpful and I started meditating. I am doing so much better than I was 2 years ago but still have some way to go.

Also get some magnesium which helps the nervous system and lots of camomile tea. I also had something called Bowen therapy which seems to help switch your body into the parasympathetic nervous system and felt amazing afterwards. I didn't go for the anxiety but I read about it from the booklet the therapist gave me.

You can beat this, just remember that.

I hope it helps to talk about things on here. It must be horrible to feel anxious and panicky, and agree that propranolol might help- it's not addictive like benzodiazepine drugs such as diazepam.
I'm sure you're a much better mum to your little boy than you think you are; it's clear you love him very much and I'm sure he knows that.
Have you considered Cognitive Behavioural Therapy to help overcome the anxiety? Your GP should be able to refer you.

I could have written your op, shit isn't it?

Have you had any kind of talking therapy? Does you anxiety have a focus?

I've never found CBT by itself very helpful, but in combination with OEI (One-Eye Integration) or EMDR it's been much more helpful.
No, there doesn't seem to be a focus to my anxiety, the best I can pinpoint is that it tends to be worst in the mornings and simmers down during the day; I get very panicky when I have lots of things I need to pack into a day so try be as efficient as possible so that I get rest periods.

Some of it may be hormonal, I've had my hormones tested and am trying to address the imbalances. I have a wonderful naturopathic physician who has helped a lot. I'm in Canada, don't know if you have those in the UK. Where I live they have prescription privileges so they're a really good alternative to GPs. Having said that, I really like my GP, too. I would just really like to see if I can fix this without resorting to drugs again.

I don't understand why I feel this way. I have a really nice life. Great DH, lovely DS, work that I like most of the time and which pays well, we are safe, warm and well-fed. That's more than a lot of people can say. Why do I feel so shit inside most of the time???? Is there a button I can push? This is ridiculous, it makes no sense. I should be perfectly happy. And I am a stressed quivering wreck most of the time. WTF is wrong with me???

Good morning. I hope you are getting some sleep there in Canada.

We seem to have a lot in common. I feel worse in the morning aswell. I think its to do with high cortisol levels, sopposed to get us going but obviously in some of us it has a negative effect. I am in early menopause so I think this is why mine seemed to get worse.

Have you tried yoga? Not something like power yoga but something like restorative which would help you relax. I came across a teacher called Bo Forbes, think she is based in the US but has a great book out which I got on amazon.

Wishing you a good day today. If you want to PM please do.

Morning everyone. Can I join in? I find mornings more difficult too, but it gets a bit better after that. Sounds like you are doing many of the right things already. I had Puerpal Mania (sp) a few months after dd was born, but I think I reacted badly with AD's I was on just before, and I was given wrong advice by the doc that an extra one would calm me down, but it sent me into Mania. Since being diagnosed with bi-polar two, which I think I had for many years, but only had to get treatment when dd was born, and I couldn't cope without medication.

How are you this morning Jacks?

You sound very similar to me.

Will follow your thread with interest.

Still on low dose AD's 12 years after PND. Still not sure if the crash i experience when i try and come off them (even very slowly) is because of withdrawal issues or because I really really need to be on something.

Think hormones play a big part in mine (no probs before PND).

Try to juggle it with very busy career.

Good luck !

Good morning all, thank you so much for your messages .
Was up incredibly late (for me) - got to bed around 1 am. Was working on work stuff so am feeling very sleep deprived but a tiny bit more hopeful re work situation. It's going to take a sustained effort though, not just one night, and my stamina seems to be pretty crap these days.

Am trying not to have coffee in the morning but have just developed a caffeine withdrawal headache so am going to make some . Anyone else?

Feeling ok-ish so far... but it's only 8:50 am here. Bit anxious. Let's hope that smooths out as the day goes on.
Yesterday was definitely a crummy day. Full-on PMT though, so hopefully period will start soon because that always helps.

How's everyone else?

Hi Jacksmania, going back to you stopping your Sertraline back in April, I understand why you stopped because I suffered all the same side affects, but, how did you stop? did you stop them cold turkey? did you do the alternate day thing? I'm asking because I was on Sertraline for years, and every time I tried stopping them in various ways I had all the symptoms you are describing and eventually always ended up back on the Sertraline to make myself feel better. It's possible that you came off them wrongly or too fast and you are suffering chronic withdrawals, this is what happened to me over and over. I ended up switching to liquid Prozac and tapering very very slowly, I'm still on a very low dose of Prozac but still hoping to taper all the way off in time. Some of us just are very very sensitive to withdrawal from these very powerful drugs. Many of the withdrawal symptoms are the same as the original depression/anxiety so it can be a very confusing head f*.
Like Kizzie I am about 13 years post PND, on the whole feeling very well now.

Hi strawberry - thanks for asking and that's a really good question. I had in the past tried to stop taking my ADs cold-turkey and it was a complete disaster, so this time, I weaned myself off very very slowly. Went from 75 mg to 50 mg, for two weeks, then to 25mg, for two weeks, then to 25 mg every other day for two weeks, then to 25 mg every third day for two weeks and then stopped. That was the best protocol my GP could find and I was very careful to follow it. And actually felt fine until end of July, beginning of August. And then... crash.

On the plus side, today is an ok day.
Someone mentioned something about cortisol being high in the beginning of the day and I definitely have that problem and have found coffee really makes it worse. It's a shame because I love the taste of it, but it just makes me a little crazy. So I've started not having anything for the first hour or two of the day and then I have tea with milk and sugar. (Which is actually what I was pretty much raised on, until the late nights hit at chiropractic college. After that I thought tea was for wimps :o). Today was my first tea day, let's see how that goes.

Thank you all so much for your interest and care, I so appreciate it.

I love coffee too but it doesn't love me.

Hi Jacks, I've been reading but haven't replied yet. I'm sorry you're finding it tough right now. I've had anxiety and depression on and off throughout my life and it's really horrible to live with. The panic attacks can be debilitating. I'm glad that today has been a bit easier on you though, I do find it's good to take it day by day :)

See I would say that was WAY too fast a way to come off Sertraline, I tried loads of times in the kind of way you are describing and crashed spectacularly every single time, sometimes a few months later like you, it's just something to think about, you maybe very sensitive to withdrawal. There is a book I can really recommend called "Coming off Antidepressants" by Joseph Glenmullem, I can really recommend you get hold of it, it will explain all about antidepressants and withdrawal and how withdrawal can be mistaken for depressive/anxiety relapse. It's really worth considering this as a possibility www.amazon.co.uk/Coming-Off-Antidepressants-Successful-Withdrawal/dp/1845292561/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1319140486&sr=1-1

Sorry didn't convert the link but should still work!

Yeah I don't think coffee loves me either :o

C&G -

Strawberry, that's really interesting. Some food for thought - but having come this far, I don't think I could handle the thought of going back on sertraline to try to come off it properly. I might consider it as a last resort.

Had a few minutes' chat with DH earlier and said "I'm sorry I'm so awful, I'm really trying to get a grip on this" and he nearly made me cry when he said he thought I was doing a good job, that he sees how hard it is some days but he thinks I'm doing well trying to cope. That meant a lot.

I think this thread is a really good idea. Hope it's helping :)

what a lovley supportive husband!

Yeah, he's the greatest. I love him to bits and appreciate him more every day.

Oh so not a great day today. I shouted at DS this morning because he was driving me nuts and it just breaks my heart when he says "I'm scared of your scary words". He really was doing my head in, it was 8:20 am and the dishwasher repair guy was coming at 8:30 am and we'd just gotten out of the shower and DS was throwing a hissy because he wanted me to get in the bath with him. I kept saying "no, I can't because the dishwasher guy is going to be here any minute" and he just kept asking me to get in the bath with him... about sixty squillion times and then I lost it and whisper-screamed at him that I couldn't get in the god-damned bloody bathtub with him because the bloody dishwasher guy was coming and I couldn't answer the bloody door naked!!!!!!!!!!!!! You know that whisper-scream, when you're whispering because you know if you don't you're doing to scream so loud your throat is going to explode? Well, he burst into tears and said that I'd scared him, and then I cried because I can only imagine what it must look like to him to see mummy's face all contorted and hear that freaky whisper-scream... it would scare me, too :(
Then he said sorry for whining at me and I said sorry for screaming at him, and then the fcking doorbell rang and the dishwasher guy was there. Thank goodness I was dressed but I had my hair in a towel, and he had the fucking nerve to say "oh, are we having a late morning?" WTF.... I stared at him and he pointed at my towel head and repeated what he said and then said "I've been up and dressed since 5:30 am". DO I GIVE A FLYING FUCK WHAT TIME A SINGLE GUY WHOSE TIME IS HIS OWN GETS UP????? I honestly could have bloody murdered him right then and buried the body in the ravine out back. DS got me up at 6 am after a crappy night. Dishwasher guy phoned at 7:55 am to say he could be there in half an hour. Cue a mad dash into the shower and then the screaming episode. And here he is telling me I'm having a late morning. If it had been 10 am, he could have said whatever he wanted. It was eight fucking thirty*!!! Honestly - the rage was completely murderous. I think he saw it on my face because he started to apologize. You know when you're talking through gritted teeth because it's all you can do to hang onto your control? I told him "I need you to come in and fix my dishwasher. I do not need your sarcastic comments or any criticisms about what time I get dressed. If you can't do that, I'm going to shut the door in your face."

What the hell is getting into me these days? I honestly feel like I have this raging demon inside me. I'm not normally a mean or rude person. I love DS more than anything and it's my job to make him feel safe and loved and happy. It's not his fault that I feel so bad - and I need to find the control to not turn into this raging demon when he's just being a three year old. I know that a three year old's world is black and white. If he wants x, he really wants it, it's all there is for him at that moment. I'm the adult, I can put my needs second. My world isn't black and white. And yet right now I'm responding as if I expect him to simply accept "no" (what three year old can do that??) and know why I can't do whatever he wants me to... and when he obviously can't, I completely lose my rag.

The rest of the day wasn't great either. Bucketing with rain, and I'd made plans to meet a friend at a play centre. There as another mum there whom I didn't know, and she seemed just lovely, but I was in such a black mood that everything rubbed me wrong and I ended up feeling the odd woman out. When the other mum finally left I told my friend how badly I was feeling, and she was sympathetic, but the problem is, she's one of those people who's just so damn happy, and self-aware, and loves her life and everything in it - and I'm just not in that space although I can from a distance admire and even envy it - in the end, she does what most people do, which is start to lecture offer advice and try to fix it. And god, I feel so broken. How can a well-meaning friend fix that with ten minutes of advice?

I'm so tired. Today is just utter shit. I wish I had the luxury of hiding under the duvet and just sobbing for a while.
I'm so tired of being this crappy, broken version of me.

Hi op
I'm sorry your feeling this way,, how did you come off your ad's? instantly or gradually???

Oh jacksmania, I could've written your posts. I have no suggestions I'm afraid - I'm not on ADs this time. Not yet anyway. I have sleep meds but they dont stop me waking several times a night and getting up at 4am. And I'm tired of being cross with poor DS.

Can you do some exercise? Yoga or swimming or something? (I should but I don't!)

If you lived close to me I'd suggest coming round for a cup of tea.

Sorry you had a shit day yesterday. Thats life. We all shout at the kids from time to time. Stop blaming yourself. You are human. I think you have are far too hard on yourself. Your son is three, its a very challenging age. OMG the whining is enough to drive you mad.

Its the weekend. Hope you get to do something fun today. lots of love. x

Everyone who's been kind enough to pst, can I ask, what's your gut feeling? Back on ADs or tough it out?

I don't want to taken them again. It feels like giving up. But I also can't stand to be this way - it's miserable, and I'm making everyone around me miserable.

I don't know what's best.
I know you don't know me from a bar of soap so how can you give advice? I'm just wondering about your gut feeling because I don't trust myself anymore.