Health anxiety

[Sunshinebay]

I feel like this has been going on for far too long but can't help myself. I panic at the slightest thing and end up a bag of nerves. I am paranoid about my breasts and am always checking them, I had a cyst 13 years ago and have never been the same since even though it was not serious. I am also having throat problems, a tight feeling that comes and go's depending on how I feel, also I am a singer and had a vocal haemorrhage and so had blood after singing, I am waiting to see a specialist and although it has probably healed now as it has been about 6 weeks since I last sang but I sometimes think I can taste blood especially in the night if I get up to use the bathroom and it really scares me. How can I help stop these feelings I have?

Neverever, DH knows about my HA. He is very supportive and tries to understand but I know he doesn't really. It's not his fault, it's a difficult thing to understand if you've never had it.

I've not had a good morning today. Didn't want to get out of bed, I am scared of waking up in the mornings because I know I will feel like this. The only place I feel safe, or relatively safe, is in bed with the covers pulled right up. I don't think I can go on like this. I just want to be me again.

Bupcakes I felt like u at the start, I then got put on anti depressants for a year citalopram and commenced CBT which did help me understand it more. how could I go from this fun loving person to someone who was scared to bath my own daughter in case I had a panic attack. I find my self drifting to and from sites like no more panic when things are bad, I never post but sometimes it's comforting to know I am not alone suffering with the symptoms of anxiety, I had the lump in the throat thing for ages, keptnthinking it was my asthma but it wasn't.

At times although forum threads like this provide lots of support I felt at times I was reading what others were going through and I would start feeling their symptoms too, kind of like putting ideas in my head, I would then stay away from them for a bit. That is just me personally though I find comfor that I am not alone in going through this.

I really think it's best when I am busy don't think too much about it. It's just when I am ill it raises it's head again.

I have a very supportive gp who assured me it was ok to see him even just for reassurance.

Betsy glad your ds is well today.

Does it help to see thoughts and feelings similar to the ones you have been having voiced by others?

Despite having suffered from HA to varying degrees for as long as I can remember, it wasn't til I reached crisis point that I sought help. It didn't cross my mind that this thing had a name, or that it was an illness with actual symptoms that others had too. Though I wouldn't wish this on anyone, I do find it comforting that there are others out there.

I'm guessing that you did get out of bed and that you are facing the day. Well done. That's a brave thing to do when you are feeling so scared.

Sorry neverever, x post. Thanks.

I think when I'm on threads like this I'm very aware of the illness and having that awareness makes me conscious of other people's bad thoughts swelling my own. And that's where they stay - as other people's problems. It's when I'm just bumbling along and the unexpected temperature or odd symptom comes along that I get floored.

Good to hear about your GP. You only have to find one health professional that you trust and who accepts you to create a huge improvement in your life, right?

betsy I found it helped me a lot as it managed to convince me I was not having an asthma attack every day :(, I am the same although i wouldn't wish this on anyone its nice to know you are not alone.

I find giving myself a talking to helps to like, I am going to get up and do this, this and this and it will not beat me today, does that make sense.

'Come on girl!' is probably the thing I say most to myself when I'm having a bad day. I try to remember my tough old cockney granny and imagine her voice saying it and that helps a lot. So yes, it makes a lot of sense!

I guess if the symptoms are similar, the techniques we use to make ourselves feel better will be too!

It does help to know that I am not alone in feeling like this, however, I do feel very lonely. It's a hard thing for people who've not had HA to understand. I just visited my friend and told her about how insane I've felt this week and she belly laughed at me, which actually helped as it's put it into perspective!

I've just got back from having blood tests done so I will be bricking it until they are back. I've been screened for ovarian, thyroid/liver function and a full blood count. I feel kind of relieved that I've been for the tests but am fucking dreading getting a phonecall asking me to come in to the doctors and to bring someone with me. :(

Hello again - just coming back to say I've been trying out meditation the last few days and it seems to have made a BIG difference so far. I'll see how far it goes...

I still have good days and bad days. I try not to think about my fears and have been going to the gym every day, I love the high you get from exercise, it makes me feel good and at the moemt, most of the time I avoid thinking about my anxiety but on Friday night I was rubbing body lotion into my lower stomach, I could feel lots of little bumps in there and one sort of little floater bump, it set my heart pounding, then I checked a few more times and realised its the muscle fibres in my abs, but for a while I was afraid, then yesterday I was checking my breasts and thought I felt something but when I checked again it felt fine. Its really awful, you can soon find something wrong if you inspect hard enough and its easy to scare yourself. I am going to psychological wellbeing tomorrow, its my 2nd meeting, I think I have six sessions then go onto CBT. I am hoping for a magical cure to my worries, I just want to go back to being normal and happy again without this weight around my neck. Does anyone know why some of us worry and have health anxiety and where it comes from?

Liz, just wanted to say, think positive, I am sure everything will be fine, you have let your mind run awqay with you, I would be exactly the same, just think how happy you will be when all the results come back fine. Keep your chin up.

I have been thinking about taking up some form of regular exercise, wondering whether it might help.

Sunshine, I totally empathise with what you say about just wanting to feel normal and happy again. It seems a long way off for me at the moment. :(

sunshine - you ask where this HA comes from. The same place as most of our behaviours and the way we function come from - our childhood. I have had HA in the past and so far have "had" MS, throat cancer and ME, but with several years apart. It is anxiety (meaning fear) that is fixated on health rather than anything else.

I think you need to look back over your childhood years and your parents and other important people in your life. Sometimes it is hard to figure out what could have happened in your childhood to make you anxious as an adult. It took a therapist to help me work it out, and it wasn't anything huge or bad. My parents over protected myself and 2 sisters and especially when we were ill - they sent for the Dr (as they used to come out in those days) I am 67 by the way. They fussed over us and drew the sofa near to the fire and all sorts of things like that. None of us had any serious illness, except my sister had scarlet fever, which was a big deal in those days, and she was in bed for weeks and had to be isolated in case we caught it. My dad put fairy lights up in her room and I recall the tremendous fuss that was made of her at that time. Also I remember my mom panicking over the normal cuts and bruises you get in childhood.

I was talking to the therapist about all this one day and she said "but your parents also showed you that they were anxious and worried about any of you being ill" and they have (unconsciously) passed this on to you. It certainly made sense to me.

I have talked to friends about this and one of my friends hates to tell anyone she is feeling ill (and she has HA too) but keeps it to herself, but I usually know and probe a bit and she finally comes out with it. One time she had been worrying that she couldn't swallow and her throat was closing up and getting worse and we talked about other times when she had felt she had something awful and it turned out to be nothing, other than stress of feeling she had something terrible. A couple of days later she phoned me and said it was a lot better but said she felt silly for getting so worked up, so I reminded her of some of the things I had "suffered" and we had a laugh about ourselves. I told her that in my early 30s with 3 kids, I was convinced I had MS and she shrieked down the phone that she too had thought this about the same time and had not got out of bed for a month! I asked about her parents (they were both pharmacists) and she said straight away "Oh no you couldn't be ill in my family, it was seen as a moral failure, and we were never taken to the Dr or took and medicines. So it's small wonder she will not talk about any illness (real or imagined)

My dil and her sister never complain about illness and I have seen them go to work when really unwell with coughs/chest infections etc and their parents were totally unsympathetic to them if they were ill as kids "we just had to get on with it"

SO maybe a walk down memory lane would help..........mind knowing where it has come from doesn't altogether cure it - had a black mole on my scalp a while ago and thought GP would say "oh just keep an eye on it" instead of which he was saying "oh it's got mixed pigmentation, and is raised and irregular in shape - it needs looking at" and referred me to a dermatologist on a 2 week rapid access, which is for when cancer is suspected. The appt came through 8 days later but I had convinced myself it was melanoma, but it turned out to be a harmless wart that the Dr just burned off there and then.

NanaNina, that is such a helpful post! I have been wondering if my HA stems from childhood and I think that I had a similar experience to you in terms of being wrapped up in cotton wool when sick. It's an interesting thought.

NanaNina I think your reminder that this is all about fear is really important. I feel really physically scared when I get an 'attack'. My chest closes up, my heart races, the blood whooshes through my ears. My stomach tightens. I just get this deep urge to run away! Like, literally, down the street... I've not done that yet though!

I nearly died from a burst appendix when I was 11. My dad died from cancer when I was 13 and my mum nearly died from cancer 12 years after that. I was her main carer.

I don't think those are the only causes of my HA though - I think a large part of it is being a generally anxious person. The ground was ready for the HA to grow as a result of all those bad experiences surrounding illness.

I do think regular exercise helps, preferably outside exercise. I found swimming really good too. There was something about being in water that made the experience more relaxing. Being strict with your mind while exercising helps too, I think; stick to how the exercise feels, your breath, the way your body is interacting with what's around you like how the water feels on your skin or your foot touching the ground. Or even just the wind on your face.

I often look around at my friends and acquaintances and wonder how they can be so relaxed about illness! I'd love to reach that stage...

Bupcakes I'd not read this thread for a while before tonight and just saw your post about awaiting results. It is likely to be fine. More than likely, in fact. Keep busy, one foot in front of the other! I'm sure the phone call will make you feel better when it comes and will be good news.

My Doc was giving me Propranalol which I have been taking for a year or so on and off when I feel panicly but just recently I started having terrible nightmares and waking up afraid. I stopped taking the tablets and th nightmares have stopped. Has anyone else found this?

NanaNina - I can relate to your experiences regarding excercise. I go to the gym most days, even if only for a short time, I enjoy the adreniline and work hard doing free weights and treadmil then take a dip in the pool, its a lovely way to spend a couple of hours, frees the mind and makes you feel better about yourself somehow. Some days I don't feel like it but I am always glad I made the effort afterwards.

Thinking back to my childhood, my Mother is unfortunately resposible for my HA. She would threaten me with hospital or Doctors if I was naughty instead of a telling off a smack. She left me as a five year old at the hospital to have my tonsils out, I remember screaming as she left me. She was always checking me and I never trusted her when we went out and she didn't tell me where we were going. I remember as a 12 or 13 year old wondering if I had anything wrong with me and if I watched a film with someone with a serious illnesss, I was convinced I had that, I couldn't eat for thinking about it, my Mum would notice, ask what was wrong, I would burst into tears, she would cuddle me and tell me not to be silly then I was OK again after that, I think it was her way to get my affection too. Don't get me wrong, my Mum was/is wonderful and I love her to bits but I believe she set me up with this problem which is the bane of my life now.

So how is everyone? So far today I have convinced myself that:

a.) DS1 has leukaemia
b.) The dog has a fatal stomach problem
c.) My house is going to fall down

And now after an hour or two of pottering about tidying up, talking to the (alive, well, happy) dog and doing my head exercises I learnt in CBT it all feels a bit more... manageable.

Hi to any other people who suffer whith HA. I am currently waiting for CBT and having meetings with a lady who works for th NHS and the treatment is called Pschological wellbeing. I see her once every two weeks. She is trying to get me to thik differently and I am trying but its difficult to put logic into place when you are convinced something about your body is not right. Just this morning I thought I had a tender spot under my arm and have been checking on and off all day and thinking about it. I wish I knew why I tormnented myself like this because I believe thats all it is but I can't help it. I hate myself for it.

HA isn't you, it's something you do, if that makes sense.

It it's any help, I felt like this for my first few weeks of CBT treatment (Psychological wellbeing sounds similar.) I was in a fog, and although I knew that other people were talking sense, I just couldn't see it and didn't believe it. Then suddenly something just clicked. The feeling didn't go away, but I sort of stepped outside it and could see that it was a thought process I was following. A destructive, scary one that was taking over my life, yes, but it was a way of thinking and nothing more. I started to question the feeling that I or my loved ones were going to die instead of just believing it 100%.

Be good to yourself - this is something you have only just started. That you are aware of your checking behaviour is really really good.

You don't deserve to feel like this. Well done for seeking help.

I've just read through this thread and identify with so many of the things written. I have dreadful crippling health anxiety and am going through a bad spell at the moment - despite the doctor telling me I'm fine, in the past 3 months I've convinced myself I have cancer. Totally and utterly convinced. It's overwhelming - every moment of every day it's there at the back of my mind. I've just started taking antidepressants for it (on day 10 and not seeing any improvement yet), and am doing some councilling too, but it feels like I'm never going to get over this. Today's worry is that I've lost some weight despite not making any effort to lose any. Yesterdays was random bruises and red marks on my skin, the day before was a lump in my armpit.

I don't feel like I can talk to my friends about it because it sounds like I'm being pathetic, and if you've not had this wretched thing it's pretty hard to understand I think. I've even namechanged to post this because I'm identifiable on here. I have an incredibly patient and supportive GP, but the nasty little voice in my head is saying "what if there really is a problem and they are just blaming it on your anxiety, and by the time they discover it, it will be TOO LATE". Ugh.

I find a lot of relief in the fact that there are others who suffer too. Anxious I'm glad your GP is supportive. You won't feel this way for the rest of your life. I feel so much better for seeking help but it's still hard to tell friends and acquaintances (in fact, I've only told one friend.)

It's also difficult because I am a SAHM. I have a lot of contacts in the voluntary sector who are becoming involved with DS1's school and I have been asked several times why I'm not helping out with the projects that are being set up. The thing is, I'm not well enough to take that on yet. We've just got a dog and that's more than enough for me to cope with on top of coping better with this illness. If I were recovering from a physical op or illness it would be easy, but this is different and, like you say, hard to explain.

You are not being pathetic - this is an illness like any other. I hope the medication gives you some relief soon.

Hello to anxiousofaus, I started this thread due to my constant worries, but they all started more than 12 years ago and I am still fit and well, even though i often believe I am not. I have been told that its not in Doctors interest to misdiagnose illness and I have a great Doc who has helped me loads. I go every three months now for a check up (breasts) and really try not to check myself inbetween but always do as I can't help myself. So my message to you would be to try and get some CBT through your Doc, I have been told to try and think differently, stop the habit of check yourself then convincing yourself that your seriously ill because in my experience it just makes you feel worse. Try going out and keeping busy, I go to the gym, listen to music and generally keep busy. Keep in touch so we know how you are getting on, I am always happy to pass on any experience I can to help others.