Do you know what's really annoying?

[iMemoo]

I can't do anything for myself.

Everything I do is about the kids, dh, the house. I can't even lie down and die because of the hurt it will cause.

How unfair is that.

Why do I have to live when I really dont want to??

Sorry its taken me so long to come back. I got myself really worked up so took some Diazepam and slept for a while.

I really appreciate all your replies. You all make a lot of sense. I do have a lot of support, my cpn comes out every week and I see my psychiatrist every month. Tbh I couldn't ask for more support, the people around me are fab.

I don't think I can really talk openly to anyone. Everyone had tried so hard to help me and I feel like I'm letting them down. I'm always asked how I'm doing but nobody really wants to hear the truth do they? They want me to say I'm getting better so that's what I tell them. How do I say that despite all the help, hospital, meds and practical support I still feel like this?

I fantasise about dying. It use to be drowning but now I can't stop thinking about jumping in front of a train. I feel like that point when the train hit me, all that force, would take away all the pain. I would be free of this hell I'm in.

Its like I'm trapped in limbo. I'm not dead but I am not living either.

I so want to die. Like someone needs air or water. I crave death.

I'm sorry this is all so morbid. But I can't say this out loud. Writing it down helps.

You must be honest. They are there to help you and they can't help you if you are not honest and nothing will change if they think what they are doing already is enough. Do you see that? Please don't apologise, we are hear to read anything at all you need to get out.

I agree with FAB.

Of course they WANT to hear you are doing well and are getting better. They care about you and they do WANT you to get better.

But that's not to say they are trying to ignore the truth. Tell them the truth.

They will listen. I'm here to read whatever you want to write

it's good that you wrote it down here and no one will judge you for it.

Yes, most people want to hear that you are ok, but the people close to you, personally and professionally, need to and want to hear the truth. Hey I want to hear the truth and we're not that close.

Imagine how they would feel if you did kill yourself and they had never had the chance to help you as you never told them how bad things were.

i'd also rather you didn't kill yourself my darling i totally agree that you must let the pain out, sometimes it gets worse before it gets better. you need to want to live for yourself, but for now, needing.wanting to live for your children is a good enough reason i think . be honest with your psych and cpn, you might need another spell in hospital, in your posts, i hear hte illness, not you talking, you must hold onto the fact you are ill and you need help to get better.

Memoo- I used to feel exactly like this. I genuinely believed it was never going to improve, everything was hopeless, death was the only way for release.

But I got well eventually, and I haven't been ill in over 11 years. Life isn't perfect- I don't think anyone has a perfect life really- but it can be good again, things can have meaning, there is a future again.

Please continue to accept help- from anyone and everyone who can get you through this- but you CAN get better, really, honestly, truly, and you will be stronger because of it.

I know you can't believe what I say in the here and now, but just hold on, and one day you will find a glimmer of hope somewhere.
Wishing you all strength and hoping for you.

How are you feeling today, IMeMoo? Did you get any sleep?

Thinking of you x

Still feeling much the same.

I found a photo today that was taken when I was 16. It made me really sad. I look so alive in the photo. Full of innocence. Full of promise and dreams. I had my whole life in front of me. I could have done anything. What the hell went wrong. How did I turn into this broken person that I am now?

You are not broken. You are ill and you need lots of love and support to get you well again.

I wonder where the old me has gone sometimes. We are still there, just buried under kids, homes, animals, etc and sometimes our bodies just can't cope and we become ill.

Thank you fab xx

I'm going to let Dh read this thread.

And you don't talk crap fab. You are truly wonderful xx

Memoo hugs. Great big hugs.
Letting your DH read this thread is a fabulous idea. A real step forwards.

It an get better but making that first step is a hard thing. Asking your DH to make it for you is a big thing but if he will it's an act of love (have done it for my own dear DH, who has gone from trying to kill himself to being in recovery; with his meds he is now studying something he loves and working for himself. youc an ahve that too).

And more hugs X

Your DH wants you back too, you know.

It was my DH who sent me to the doctor as he realised I wasn't well.

iMemo, I just wanted to let you know I know exactly how you feel, right now.

My brother gets married on Saturday. At the moment my mantra is "make it to Sunday"

Living for others all the time is shit. I want to live for me, but cqnt.

HUGS to you - hope you can find a way