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Original poster

Do you know what's really annoying?

39 replies

iMemoo · 07/09/2011 14:26

I can't do anything for myself.

Everything I do is about the kids, dh, the house. I can't even lie down and die because of the hurt it will cause.

How unfair is that.

Why do I have to live when I really dont want to??

OP posts:
Original poster
iMemoo · 07/09/2011 14:26

Really, who has the right to tell me it's not ok to kill myself?

OP posts:
madmouse · 07/09/2011 15:08

memoo what's going on hun x

Original poster
iMemoo · 07/09/2011 15:41

Don't know, very down and angry because I can't do anything about it. I don't want to be here but everyone elses needs come before mine so I can't kill myself and I so fucking want to.

OP posts:
madmouse · 07/09/2011 16:40

I'd rather you didn't kill yourself, not just because other people need you but because you are worth life and life is worth living. You wanting to kill yourself means that at the moment you are struggling to cope. It's trite but true that suicide is a temporary solution to a permanent problem.

Maybe instead of getting all angry with the people caring for you, you can work with them to get back on an even keel soon.

madmouse · 07/09/2011 16:41

It's because you are ill that you think that killing yourself is the solution rather than medication and talking therapy. Been there - it's a big fat lie.

Original poster
iMemoo · 08/09/2011 14:14

Thanks mm. Sorry but have no words at the moment. In a very bad place.

OP posts:
madmouse · 08/09/2011 16:39

Yes I could tell from your OP that you are in a very bad place and I'm worried about you. I know that you are being well looked after though (although you don't like it at the moment) so I hope things will change again soon.

NanaNina · 08/09/2011 17:22

iMemoo - I remember your previous posts and just how bad you were feeling. I have asked the same questions as you about dying, as there have been some times in the past that this is all that I have wanted. A good friend told me that if you do kill yourself you pass your pain on to those you leave behind, and this made me stop and think, but at my worst I have thought, well if I do that so be it. Also don't know how to do it, and know I wouldn't have the courage anyway as nothing is foolproof and you could end up still alive but with more problems that you had to start with.

I also read that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem but we have to believe it's temporary don't we.

Are you in hospital iMemoo and if not, I wonder why as you sound so defeated, which is what depression makes us feel. Sorry I know there is nothing I can say to help - just reaching out to you, as also having crap day.

Original poster
iMemoo · 09/09/2011 13:42

I'm not in hospital. Have been in the past though.

Cpn came out today but didn't answer the door Sad just couldn't face it. Dh is going to phone him this afternoon to explain how bad things are.

Just dosing myself up on diazepam and trying to make it through the day.

OP posts:
madmouse · 09/09/2011 17:02

Memoo not letting the cpn in is a bad sign - it may be best if you do go back into hospital for a while until you are a bit better.

Thinking of you - you're not alone

Original poster
iMemoo · 11/09/2011 14:35

What I really want to know is what is the point of being alive

It's like fucking groundhog day and then you die anyway so really what is the point?

OP posts:
Original poster
iMemoo · 11/09/2011 14:36

I want to cry so much, I want to scream and wail so loud that all this pain that is imbedded in my soul comes out.

OP posts:
parentfailure · 11/09/2011 14:40

Hi there, IMemoo.

Your post really struck a chord with me.

I wonder if you would like to talk about the things you used to like doing, or what you would like to do if you didn't have all the pressures on you that you do now?

Can you go somewhere - a wood or a park or somewhere where you could shout as loudly as you wish?

Original poster
iMemoo · 11/09/2011 14:43

I don't know what I like doing, I don't know who I am anymore.

I think inside I'm already dead.

Thanks for replying.x

OP posts:
parentfailure · 11/09/2011 14:47

But you aren't dead.

And you can find yourself again.

Please keep talking. Can you think of one thing you would like to do?

I think, with depression, it's very easy to feel like 'it's going to happen anyway'. I know I have felt a lot like that. But, you can begin to enjoy little things and just take them for what they are.

Even when it's someone else's needs. My son was quite ill recently and I remember clearly thinking 'I am here to hug him and that makes me feel happy'.

xxx

parentfailure · 11/09/2011 14:48

Even though, of course, it wasn't a happy time (son ill, no sleep, feel terrible)

But you can look at the positive thing. Does that make sense?

Original poster
iMemoo · 11/09/2011 14:56

It does make sense.

I love my children more than anything, that's all I know. That's why I'm here, for them. But for me I don't know. I use to love the theatre, particularly the musicals. Dh took me to see West Side Story just before I had dc3 and it was the most wonderful night. We walked back to our hotel afterwards and I danced the whole way back. Feels like a long time ago.

OP posts:
parentfailure · 11/09/2011 15:03

What is your favourite musical?

I like The sound of music, My Fair lady and Grease.

I love a bit of escapism.

Perhaps that is our problem? Real life is nothing like a musical, is it?

But, we can escape for a few hours.

I am going to watch Young Victoria tonight. I always make sure that, when I am on my own with the kids, I have a little treat for ME once the kids are in bed. Is that something you could do?

madmouse · 11/09/2011 15:13

Memoo if there is so much pain inside it needs to come out. Do you ever talk about how you are really feeling? To anyone?

TheOriginalFAB · 11/09/2011 15:17

iMemoo [hugs]Chocolate[peace].

I know exactly what you are feeling as I have been there too. I have felt resentful that I couldn't die because I have children and how could I leave them without a mum when I never had one? I resented them that they were having what I hadn't and were stopping me from doing what I wanted, which was to die. Last year I did try and kill myself in a serious attempt and I am still mad at times that it didn't work.

Please find someone to talk too. If I am near you I will bring cake and ears and will do whatever it is you need to me to do to get you through this difficult and exhausting time.

parentfailure · 11/09/2011 16:12

I hope you are OK, Imemoo.

We are here to talk and help as and when you need us. xxx

NanaNina · 11/09/2011 16:54

Me too thinking and worrying about you iMemoo - sorry I can't remember your back story but I know you were feel desparate and in hospital for a while? Same here. Are you getting the help you need re meds, CPN, psychiatric assessment - whatever - if you are feeling this bad and I know for sure that you are, there has to be some help for you. Do you have a P or H or any RL support.

Please keep talking to us iMemoo - wish I could be more help. Feeling pretty crap myself but worried about you.

If I was a fly on the wall in your home, what would I see?

The psychologist asked me this when I said I had some realy bad days/weeks when I just wanted to stay in bed all day. It was quite good to tell her cus no-one had ever asked me that.

HOW are you getting through the day - by hours, minutes......are you eating/sleeping. Sorry for so many questions, just concerned for you as I know how desparate we can feel with mental illness. Give me something physical any day - at least we don't want to kill ourselves when we are physically ill..........sending love......NN

NanaNina · 11/09/2011 16:59

Original Fab ----SO so very sorry that things got so bad for you. Thing is even if we decide we can't stand the torment any more, we don't know how to put an end to it in any event. That's why people go to Switzerland isn't it but only if they are terminally ill. At my very worst last Easter I wanted to drown myself as I thought that was a foolproof way, but knew I wouldn't have the courage to do it. Me too sometimes regret having a lovely family and close women friends, as if I was alone in the world would seriously think of suicide. Are you sometimes relieved as well Fab that it didn't work?

wotabouttheworkers · 11/09/2011 17:12

iMemoo, I have been there too. I found being a parent so hard because I put pressure on myself to be such a great parent. All I needed to be was good enough. In the old school, mothers did not expect anything for themselves - they were expected to find their reward in their children. We expect more these days. Are there any friends you could see for coffee or a glass of wine? Could you get away to stay with anyone even for a few days? So sorry to hear how bad it is for you. There might be some Mnetters near you. Hugs

TheOriginalFAB · 11/09/2011 17:24

Not often, NN.