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Mental health

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Original poster

Please can I have some advice?

60 replies

OurLittleSecret · 01/09/2011 21:06

Hi
I have been trying to pluck up the courage, for some considerable time now, to ask my GP for help re issues dealing with childhood abuse. The GP is very briefly aware of this as I had a wobble in last pg, and has in the past offered her help, though I have always said "i'm fine" (though clearly not).

Monday night , I plucked up the courage with the help of MN to drop a note into surgery asking for help with the matter. I had already not managed to face an appt the week before.

Tues and Weds I had missed calls from GP sec, with one msg left asking me to call back. I have made a few attempts, once it just rang and rang, then she wasnt in, other than this I have generally hung up in the queue - cause I just cant face it.

I dont want to be a PITA - but really am not sure where to go from here? I just cant seem to get the courage to phone :(

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Original poster

OurLittleSecret · 08/09/2011 23:16

I'm going to try and make the call tomorrow

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SingleMan25b · 09/09/2011 00:39

Good - give it a go.

madmouse · 09/09/2011 07:41

Thinking of you

Original poster

OurLittleSecret · 09/09/2011 11:29

Ok, so I did it, its done - and the GP will call me late next week (my choice working around arrangements and obv her time commitments) - at a time of day where there will hopefully be peace in the house rather than mayhem!!

Funny isnt last night in bed I could almost "generate" all that I wanted to say - now I cant remember what that was and can only think this will be mighty uncomfortable.

Need to do something tho - I have fallen out with myself so badly.

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madmouse · 09/09/2011 17:03

You did it!

Please now be patient with whatever you feel as a result - fear anger, whatever. It's ok. Next step is next step - this one is done.

GrownUpNow · 09/09/2011 17:11

Well done. That first step is really hard.

I made it a couple of months ago after years of mental health problems and psychosomatic illnesses. I wrote a big long list of symptoms and side effects through my life and was able to see how much it was affecting me, and sort of blurted out a question about it to my mother who was able to confirm my suspicions. I was very little, so have no concrete memories, but I've always known. I'm waiting for therapy now, taking medication and really making some differences in my list of things that have been holding me back all this time.

SingleMan25b · 11/09/2011 19:52

Well done

Original poster

OurLittleSecret · 15/09/2011 23:36

Today was the day and I just couldn't bring myself to answer the phone or return her call. I just don't know what to do. I can't bring myself to admit there is a problem yet the more I behave like this I guess I am showing there is. The only positive thing I can say is that I did go on moodgyn in order to try and at least make some headway-just unfortunate that it states that I am very depressed and anxious. Probably true but have been like it so long I don't know anymore.

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SingleMan25b · 16/09/2011 00:40

The first steps are difficult. I had a similar difficulty when I first tried to get help at age 26 and made a right f*up.

Not wanting to make a phone call or answer the phone is also part of the brains dissociation process. I've done it for years and still do it now from time to time. Don't feel bad but do try and follow up when you can, the benefits are worthwhile - your GP will understand.

madmouse · 16/09/2011 07:35

Can only repeat what singleman says because he's right.

It is hard, especially the first step, and you need to be patient with yourself.

Dissociation has been another coping mechanism that you have been uing successfully and that has helped you get this far. It does mean that you are very wary of talking about the abuse as that may make it more 'real'.

Can only say that for me it became progressively more real in treatment and although it was not easy I could cope with it.

Just try again when you can.

Original poster

OurLittleSecret · 16/09/2011 21:29

Thank you for your replies SingleMan25b and madmouse - I must be like a broken bloody record - and I'm sorry.

SingleMan25b - in what way did you f* up at 26 - if you dont mind me asking?

Madmouse I dont know that I want it to be more real.

I just dont think I am ever going to get there.

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madmouse · 16/09/2011 22:00

You're far less than a broken record than I was at times - talk away! I can't recall everything as a lot of it is blurred, but I repeated myself lots. Constantly asking why, then giving reasons why it can't have happened, then that i didn't want to deal with it, then needing to talk again...

These things take time - I think both Singleman and i are in a good position to understand that.

Original poster

OurLittleSecret · 16/09/2011 22:27

Thank you for your kindness madmouse- I just wish I could make it all go away. I have had a good day really- in the sense that I had coffee with a friend and taken Dcs to the park. Now its evening again the insomnia is back and my head is swimming again. I feel so alone with such a weight on my shoulders- just want to be able to get on

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madmouse · 16/09/2011 22:38

Please believe me when I say that talking to someone, a counsellor, a friend, anyone you trust, can really help lift that weight. It is so heavy because you are carrying it alone all the time.

In between counselling sessions I talked a lot to a friend who was able and willing to face it with me. He's a man - maybe that is surprising but I trust him deeply and we are close, and my girlfriends used to get so upset that I couldn't bear to tell them stuff. I talked a lot of it out of my system, it helped to give the memories a place, it also helped to see his sadness and his anger as it made me realise what happened was really really wrong and bad.

Try to reach out to someone and stop suffering on your own. As I've said before you can always pm me. And if you ever think that it would help to read my story I'm willing to share that too.

Original poster

OurLittleSecret · 16/09/2011 22:48

Madmouse I keep trying to decide who- if anyone I can confide in- like you have said it can upset people so much. Also sadly alot of my friends have pretty significant things going on- and I think I tend to be their shoulder to cry on- and I can't take that away.
I really just wish this would all go away

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madmouse · 16/09/2011 23:04

your friends crying on your shoulder shouldn't mean they are not there for you! That is certainly the case for me and the friends who have supported me. I don't know if it is the same for you, but like many abuse survivors I have a very keen sense of when something is wrong with someone, when they are struggling and that can make you the one everyone turns to. But I discovered that many people were there for me.

madmouse · 16/09/2011 23:08

it is a matter of picking the right person - another friend who was able to listen to me very well was a very old friend who still lives in the country that i left 12 years ago. She could deal with it because she cares for me and because she used to work for childline and can listen without getting overwhelmed.

Original poster

OurLittleSecret · 17/09/2011 14:48

Thank you madmouse - you are right I do have a very keen sense of when something is wrong. I am really struggling to try and find someone to talk to- I think everyone thinks I am a really together person when I am sadly not

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madmouse · 17/09/2011 16:05

As much as the shit I went through was totally awful, one thing I'm glad about and that is that my happy mask is now off, not all the time, but certainly for those close to me.

Something upset me this morning (I'm part of a worship group in church and was pushed into a group hug by someone who labelled me unchristian for refusing and by then one of the men was already hugging me) and I was trying to hide it, but feeling really stressed and panicky I exchanged a few friendly smiley words with someone who doesn't know me very well and in the meantime my friend came up and when I was alone asked me what the matter was, then stood with me and rubbed my arm until I calmed down. A few years ago I would have struggled with it on my own and probably for much longer too as it would have festered inside. That mask feels so essential, but it's not good for us at all. Well not all the time at least.

Original poster

OurLittleSecret · 17/09/2011 19:28

madmouse - sorry to hear you had an upsetting experience today.

I wonder what this week will bring - another busy one. I hate the way that it takes me so long to get to sleep at the moment that I then struggle to get out of bed in the morning. I'm fine once I get going but it is a struggle again at the moment - a few weeks ago I had a lot more get up and go than this. Arrrgh.

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SingleMan25b · 18/09/2011 22:50

OLS I've been thinking how to say or write what happened to me when I F*up at 26, but its a bit difficult. I just can't write it down at the moment - In short my cognitive problems led me into getting into debt which ultimately ended with me being made homeless. However, that is nearly 20 years ago now and things have since changed for me.

Anyhow, some of the best records in my collection have a few scratches but there still always worth listening to. I'd be surprised if your GP doesn't try ringing you again - they will understand hesitance to take their call and what your going through. Don't be to hard on yourself.

madmouse I completely understand the problem with a group hug!

Original poster

OurLittleSecret · 18/09/2011 23:40

Hi singleman25b- thanks for your post- sorry to have been so nosey. I was in a whole heap of debt at that age too but am debt free now and have been for some time- worked v hard to achieve that.
Re the whole gp thing- it may or may not have to get sticky this week as I have to make an appt for eldest dc- although have asked dh if he would go rather than me. I really am finding alot of things difficult again and am finding it really hard dragging my sorry arse out and about to things, and as for getting to sleep that just isn't funny at all- I'm knackered.

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SingleMan25b · 19/09/2011 01:34

OLS I didn't mind you asking.

madmouse · 19/09/2011 07:49

Don't hide from your GP now. If he brings it up and you're uncomfortable you can say sorry I can't deal with it now and that will be enough. The ball is still 100% in your court.

Original poster

OurLittleSecret · 27/09/2011 21:38

God i don't know why but I am feeling particularly wretched tonight

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