PND

[SongBirdsKeepSinging]

I feel like a complete failure today, like I've given in. I broke down at my 6 week post natal check. I had already spoke to dp about feeling down again but hadn't been entirely honest with just how bad I felt.

Was honest with the doctor about feeling suicidal, anxious, numb, confused, tired,having nightmares etc. She was very nice and supportive. She's put me back on fluoxetine (I was advised to come off it during pregnancy and was ok through the pregnancy) and wants to see me with dp next week to make sure I've told him and am getting support. She also rang the hv and arranged for her to come and see me on Tuesday. Hv rang me and gave me the crisis team number too.

I had pnd (and was diagnosed with ptsd) after having dd2 (19 months) and got really paranoid, thought fil was a pedophile and mil was covering for him, thought dp was holding me hostage and wanted me dead. So scared I'm going to end up back there. More scared that this time I've actually considered killing myself instead of just thinking they would be better off with me dead.

I've told dp and my mum now. Feels like a weight has been lifted. Like I can stop pretending I'm ok, except I feel guilty for burdening them with the knowledge that I'm suicidal. They will watch me now. I'm trying to convince myself that because I've told people I want to kill myself that maybe I don't really, like a cry for help. I want that to be true.

Don't know why I'm posting really. I haven't even bothered name changing. My poor family deserve so much more from me than this.

There are so many different types - it's not like the olden days when they just knocked you out. There are some that are anti-anxiety as well (I had those) and I found I didn't dream at all - I just drifted off and that was it until morning. Others make you fall asleep quicker, others keep you asleep. I understand that worry completely (I really do and it's a sensible worry too) so you just have to write it down and talk to your GP to make sure he or she chooses the right pills for you.

You do need to sleep - and I think the fear of nightmares is stopping you sleeping. Your poor body is all at odds. You're on the right track now though - trust me xxxx

That's a good idea, to write it down because otherwise I will forget. I think you are right about fear stopping me sleeping. Also, I just can't switch off, by brain is going ninety to the dozen (how old does that make me sound?!) but I'm not thinking about anything, at least not that I can make sense of. It's a strange sensation which I'm probably not explaining very well.xx

No no I understand it really well - I had alot of what you're talking about. I used to have to imagine an image as I went to sleep, otherwise I couldn't stop my brain charging around. I imagined my house slightly floating, with two giant hands round it - the hands were white and pure and were protecting everybody inside my house, and everything in it. It was a bit cloud-like and dreamy if you know what I mean. It used to make me feel all calm, that image. I still use it now if I wake in the night It may work for you? Not sure where it came from or why I started it - it's all a bit of a blur back then.

Songbird I know exactly what you mean with your mind going round and round without thinking about anything specific. It's exhausting.

Don't worry too much about getting stuck in nightmares - the sleep you get on sleeping pills is different, chemical if you like, so you won't get as many nightmares.

Sleeping tablets are a short term solution as they are addictive and ineffectual long term, but for a week or so to turn around this disastrous cycle of you not sleeping they will be good.

It will quite possibly be zopiclone which is a fairly modern sleeping tablet and not too heavy.

I'm going to try that tonight, everything else you've said is right so this must be too :)

I've just realised I haven't posted our squares.

Oh don't worry about the squares - they're still sending out wool so we're not behind or anything.

I think I had sleepers for 3 weeks or so. Really was such a relief to me.

I do hope you can show M (dp) this thread sweetheart xx

Oh that's good. I will try tomorrow after the crisis team come.

I'm working up to it. I've said most of what I've written to him I think, maybe even all of it but it seems more real written down.

I have something I want to say, I keep going to type it out. I don't know what it is I want to say/type. My mind goes blank when I try to grab the something to make sense of it to write down.

How were crisis team today? Sending hugs. xxx

They were nice, they are happy with my AD prescription for now as I've only been on them a week so they've obviously not had a chance to kick in properly yet. They have prescribed a sleeping pill for three nights which is zo something.

I'm having an ok day today, been out with mum and the kids to see my cousin. Dp seems to have realised now how serious things are and he asked the crisis team lots of questions on how best to support me and help me.

Fingers crossed the sleeping pills help :) thanks for hugs nwn, hugs back to you. Will check in with you on the other thread now x

Madmouse I'm so sorry I've only just realised you posted

And having now read your post that is in fact the pill they prescribed and they also said the same about them being addictive.

Morning SBKS. Hope night was okay. xxx

Hi SBKS. Didn't want to post across threads but wanted to know whether crisis team have been back out and see how you were doing.

xx

Hi nwn, they are coming every day. They said it's normal for there to have been no improvement in my mood yet, ADs haven't had time to be working effectively.

They have prescribed another 3 nights worth of zopiclone. They keep asking if I'll ring them if I think I'm going to attempt suicide, I say I hope I will but I don't know if I actually would. There's a lot of head nodding on both sides, like we understand each others meaning.

Dp hides the keys at night now because I have an absolute need to go out in the middle of the night. He is scared he'll wake up and I'll be gone. Think the zopiclone is making him feel better about that not happening.

Today I made dinner.....well I put cheese on top of the lasagne pil brought round and put it in the oven. It's a start I guess.x

Babysteps Songbird - that's what it's all about, including putting cheese on the lasagna and putting it in the oven. It's one step up from just sitting there, so it's good.

Dp was impressed I'd done it (he had gone to pick up my prescription and left me with dad and dd1) but wasn't hungry (no one else was either oops)
Everyone has eaten some though :)

Well done you. Every small step counts (as madmouse says).

xxx