PND

[SongBirdsKeepSinging]

I feel like a complete failure today, like I've given in. I broke down at my 6 week post natal check. I had already spoke to dp about feeling down again but hadn't been entirely honest with just how bad I felt.

Was honest with the doctor about feeling suicidal, anxious, numb, confused, tired,having nightmares etc. She was very nice and supportive. She's put me back on fluoxetine (I was advised to come off it during pregnancy and was ok through the pregnancy) and wants to see me with dp next week to make sure I've told him and am getting support. She also rang the hv and arranged for her to come and see me on Tuesday. Hv rang me and gave me the crisis team number too.

I had pnd (and was diagnosed with ptsd) after having dd2 (19 months) and got really paranoid, thought fil was a pedophile and mil was covering for him, thought dp was holding me hostage and wanted me dead. So scared I'm going to end up back there. More scared that this time I've actually considered killing myself instead of just thinking they would be better off with me dead.

I've told dp and my mum now. Feels like a weight has been lifted. Like I can stop pretending I'm ok, except I feel guilty for burdening them with the knowledge that I'm suicidal. They will watch me now. I'm trying to convince myself that because I've told people I want to kill myself that maybe I don't really, like a cry for help. I want that to be true.

Don't know why I'm posting really. I haven't even bothered name changing. My poor family deserve so much more from me than this.

I have text my dad to tell him. Couldn't say it out loud to him. He's taken it much better than I expected. It's made me feel a little bit less guilty, maybe the others have taken it just as well as dad.

well done you

Dp is taking me and dd1 to the beach. I am feeling more positive about going out today now. Still anxious but the beach will be quiet and dp will be there. Fingers crossed I will be ok. Thanks madmouse,you've been a great help today :)

I have PND too. I had it mildly with ds1, and waited 3.6 years to have ds2 in Feb as was worried I would feel low again. This time it hit me like a ton of bricks. I couldn't function, wanted to be dead, wanted ds2 gone, asked dh if we could have him adopted, or if I could leave and take ds1 with me. I have never felt so anxious and suicidal in my life.
Six months on, and I cant imagine every feeling like that again. I've been on anti ds's since ds2 was 3 weeks old, and have had CBT therapy. I've always suffered from depression and have had many therapies but this is the first time in my life I feel positive about the future.

I'm telling you my story as I hope it gives you hope for the future. Neither of my children have been affected by my illness and my dh and family have been fantastic. there is a light at what seems to be an endless tunnel!

Thank you for sharing your story with me Emski. I'm glad you are feeling positive about your future. It scared me how quickly I went downhill this time, the positive side of that is I got help much quicker than last time.

Songbird I just wanted to drop you a line to say how incredibly courageous and strong you are, despite feeling in the pits of despair at the moment. As other have said, you have taken a MASSIVE step in alerting people to how you feel and being transparent with your GP.

Big big step.

I too had severe PND after the birth of my DS last Aug and only this week have had a mini blip after a really good run. As someone who felt absolutely distraught, confused and in a very dark place I can tell you that it DOES get better. You may find that impossible to believe at the moment but try and hang on to that.

I remember sitting in the bath thinking I just wanted it all to end - not necessarily to 'do' anything but for the whole nightmare to just disappear. Those thoughts and feelings are depression taking hold of your mind. The idea of escape can seem like a way out but the reality is it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

The mantra I have repeated to myself in the darkest hours is 'this too shall pass'. Now it's about getting professional help and emotional support from friends and loved ones. You will get through this. And you will be stronger for it.

Sending huge hugs xxx

Wondering how you are today Songbird??

Also, reading the stories of others is helping me too. It's putting into words what I sometimes can't, thank you.

natsyloo thank you so much for your post.

the idea of escape can seem like a way out but the reality is it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem
This really struck a chord with me. You're right, I can't imagine getting better, I don't feel like I deserve to get better but I am trying to.

this too shall pass I will try to use this mantra, thank you.

Hello Emski. I'm glad the thread is also helping you. Today has been a nice day, dp took me and dd1 to Whitby for the day and we had lunch at a lovely little pub. Dp said today he thinks I'm not as bad this time as I was after dd1 was born, I have explained to him as best I can that I seem better because I'm not as teary and not as snappy, but that this is because I feel nothing, just numb with an overwhelming desire to not be here. He still doesn't understand though.

Dd1 is staying at pil house tonight as I have the dentist first thing in the morning. Mum will be bringing dd2 back tomorrow too, I am hoping the break will have done me good and I'll be able to be more normal. Feel awful about this-I'm ok when it's just me,dp and dd1 but am a wreck when dd2 is here too. Worried that me feeling ok today is like a false ok because it was just the three of us, fingers crossed that I'm just as ok tomorrow when dd2 comes home. Hope that makes sense!

SongBirds I feel for you so much. I had PND and it's SO HARD. People can be a lot more understanding than you expect. Don't feel guilty. Just get through it and worry about making it up to them when you're better! You will survive. Be kind to yourself.

Big hugs honey.

xxx

(going to our other hide-out now before i go to bed)

Thanks yourmam I will try not to feel guilty. Its so hard though.

Thanks nwn will pop over there too.big hugs back atcha xxx

The crisis team have been out tonight. They will be coming daily. Having a medication review tomorrow, they said I need sleeping tablets.

I told them dp thinks I'm ok because I'm not crying or losing my temper but am actually very calm on the outside and I feel very numb and detached from myself, they said it's more concerning that I'm able to talk about it all so calmly and matter of factly. they are going to talk to dp tomorrow. They told mum to hide all medications.

They think dd1 is my protecting influence, she is the only thing that's stopped me forming an actual plan. They are not concerned for the children's safety, only my own. They mentioned hospitalisation but I can't remember what was said. They also said I need specialised counselling for ptsd from having two traumatic births and from being attacked when I was 12. That won't start until my mood has lifted.

My head feels very full, I feel like I'm watching my life from inside a glass jar, everything a little bit blurry, a little bit dull. Hope that makes sense.

Im glad they've been out and it seems like they may be able to help you thru this.
The feeling you describe is how I felt before the anti D's kicked in, I'd almost removed myself from the world because it was easier than facing my emotions.

I hope you feel today was positive and the first day of the rest of your new life.

Oh hun I had no idea you were doing that badly - so glad you are being looked after. I've had PTSD (mostly gone now) so if you want to talk about that you know where I am x

I'm really pleased the crisis team have been out (although of course I'm not pleased that you needed them) and hopefully their input will move everything in the right direction. It was only after a crisis team got involved with me that things really got moved up a notch and number 1 and I are here today thanks to them. I am so sorry you're having such a hideous time and I just hope we can all give you as much support as you need.

HUGE hugs. xxx

Thanks both. I'm very grateful for all the support I'm getting. Not really thinking straight tonight. Need sleep. I'm not allowed to be on my own for obvious reasons but I'm feeling a bit caged. Im trying to keep interacting on mn because it's not as hard as real life conversations. I can pretend I'm fine, confident, outgoing etc but even that is getting hard. Commented on a chat thread earlier and someone else responded and I've gotten paranoid that they were having a dig. Think I will stick to this thread and also the safety net thread in chat. Too fragile for anything else at the minute I think, or I will have to name change because everyone will think I'm a loon that gets insulted over nothing.

Hope you are both well

Thanks nwn I xposted with you.xx

Oh Song my love xx Keep strong. Rest on dp and your Mum as much as you can xx I'm always here xx

Thanks Pinot. They were really nice, will be different people tomorrow. I think dp is now realising I am as bad as I've told him, he was (I think) in denial.x

Nwn I'm hoping the crisis team also improve things, they seemed very positive about therapy and meds etc.

I think they are letting me stay at home because mum is here 24/7 not sure what will happen if she has to leave.

What happened to make the crisis team visit?

The health visitor came because the gp rang her last week after my appointment. Told her what I'm thinking,feeling etc and she said she needed to refer me to them. Not sure exactly what I said to make her so concerned, but I answered all the crisis team questions honestly, including "would you ring us if you felt you were going to act on your thoughts?" (I don't know, same as I don't know I wouldn't walk out in front of a bus if I got the chance)

That is the one piece of advice I'm not struggling with, I am being totally honest. Hate some things I think/say but am saying them anyway. I feel like I'm embracing this lowness now, not sure if that will help me find my way out of it (because they will know exactly how low I am) or keep me locked in it because I'm acknowledging my thoughts.

Not sure I'm making any sense at all sorry :(

Being honest is good - keep talking to DP and your Mum. Keep talking and take your time to get well again xx

I will try Pinot. They said the nightmares have got worse because of the fluoxetine, common side effect apparently, which is why they think sleeping tablets will help, I think? Am a bit scared of them for some reason.

Yeah I had weird dreams for a week or so. I think it's a sign chemicals are starting to generate (so actually a good thing). Sleeping tabs are great - will do you the world of good. I bet you have no idea how tired you really truly are xx

realises how thick this sounds will I be able to wake up if I'm having a nightmare? Think that's what I'm scared of, being 'stuck' in a nasty dream.

It sounds silly but I'm so tired but not sleepy that it's draining. Takes so much effort to try and get to sleep when I'm not sleepy but am tired.xx