severe anxiety for 3 months now very depressed and don't know what to do

[kaylasmum]

hi,

I posted here a couple of months ago due to the anxiety i was suffering. I have health anxiety and it all started off when i was convinced i had anal cancer because of a pile. I was reassured by many gps but my ibs was flaring up really bad so i then started to fixate on bowel cancer.

I've been having cbt for 2 months now but not finding it paerticularly helpful. I've been signed off my work for 9 weeks now and my level of anxiety is as high as ever, i'n also feeling very depressed and struggling to function on a day to day basis. Just want to stay in bed all day.

My ds was meant to start nursery last week but i put it off till next week cos i can't face it. My stomach issues have improved but i'm still having the odd problem. I'm completely obsessed over my bowels. My therapist is conviced the anxiety and bowel issues are connected as does my gp.

I saw my gp on monday and she prescribed propranolol as i had been taking diazepam and she was concerbed about addiction. I've not found them to be particularly helpful.

I really don't know what to do, i've never been so miserable. I'm failing my dcs terribly.

hi Ohnoredundo,

Thanks for your text, do you suffer from anxiety too? I keep hoping that the next day will be better but it never is! So sick of it all.

Yes since the birth of my son. Hell on earth best describes it at times! This probably will sound ludicrous but have you tried a change to diet? I found when I was really bad (getting depersonalisation and derealization) that it helped me. Mine is (very) slowly easing and recently I've tried meditating. Also sounds quite airy fairy but surprisingly to me that helps too. It's an opportunity to just give your mind a rest from nagging worries that never seem to end. I can TOTALLLY sympathise with the whole cancer thing - in fact at the slightest twinge of any part if my body I convince myself it's cancer - armpit, boob, brain: it would actually be funny if it wasn't so horribly frightening.

hi again,

My diet is'nt too good, especially just now as i find it very difficult to eat when i'm so anxious. I'm just eating what appeals to me, which is'nt very much.

are you on any medication at all?

No I'm not chick - I was prescribed ADs but me being me couldn't bring myself to take them after reading the potential side effects. There is lots on the Internet about diet and anxiety :) a nice bubble bath with a glass of wine helps me too! Anything just to boost your mood and give you a break.

just an update,

Had my meeting at work, told that my abscence is nearing critical and that i could lose my job.

Spoke to my gp today about my ongoing stomach issues and she suggested referring me for a colonoscopy, i freaked out needless to say. She said that she's 99 per cent sure its nothing serious and to think about the referral and to let her know. Sshe said it would take about 4 weeks for an appointment to come through. We're going to turkey in 4 weeks.

I feel totally out of control and terrified.

Sorry to hear what they said at work , kaylasmum , & suggest you ask for further advice in the Legal section

You did really well to get yourself to that meeting , feeling as you are .If I recall correctly , you are most afraid of tests for serious conditions , hence terror at prospect of colonoscopy . As this fear isn't totally logical if you do still want reassurance that you don't have another medical issue needing treatment , I agree with other posters that your depression / anxiety are distorting your thinking & thaat they neeed better treatment - can you ask your CBT therapist / GP for a referral to a psychiatrist ? I know they're as rare as hen's teeth now but you must tell them your job is at imminent risk - perhaps OH / HR at work would write a letter for you this week to give your GP .

You sound so severely anxious & depressed you could ask for a new assessment , as another poster said . ( sometimes the only available assessments for ages are ones under the MH Act which can more easily result in person being sent to hospital / sectioned , though ) . You really need proper treatment . btw , are you feeling slightly less jittery now you've been reduced the citalopram ? I know propanol isn't relaxing like diazepam but IME it can make you feel a bit less shaky physically .

Every sympathy with anxiety & bowel problems- many of us have been there . Am another one feeling your bowel issues sound like the type I 've had when anxious . Also wouldn't go to Turkey in only 4 weeks as likeeelihood is your anxiety will increase whilst there & you could have "holiday tummy" which can upset your gut for weeks / months after .

btw , in my experience , your anxiety will be being made much worse by not feeling able to eat properly - can you work on managing have a simple diet of carbs , protein & cooked veg if raw is triggering your IBS ? "Proper" , slightly stodgy meals made me feel vastly better when I had your type of anxiety .

Am sure others will be along soon with advice re: work - you must be at theend of your tether. best wishes xx

hi cityhobgoblin,

My manager told me that i have to have meetings with OH now so will see what they say re the possibility of losing my job. I feel let down by them really, i've worked their for 20 years. The thought of losing my job is just adding to my stress.

having the colonoscopy scares me so much, not so much the procedure but what they might find. But i know its the sensible thing to do.

I have to go on holiday, its all paid for and there's a few of us going. I can't let everyone down. I'm hoping i can get diazepam to take with me and i'll take some immodium too just incase.

Thanks for taking the time to reply to me.

Hi.

Sorry you are having problems with work. One more thing for you to worry about which isn't helping. I hope you get it sorted with your employer.

I think it is good you are going to be refered for a colonoscopy. Although your symptoms sound very much stress related. I know it is scary. I'm really worried about mine. Like you I'm not worried about the procedure but what they might find. Still I think it is good as I will continue to worry about it otherwise.

I had to wait 2 weeks for a letter saying to phone the hospital for appointment. The first available app was 3 weeks away as my GP had said it was only "routine". If your app is when you are away you can always change it.

I phoned the surgery today to check if they had my H pylori results but the Doctor hadn't looked at it yet. Going to try again tomorrow.

I hope you will be able to enjoy your holiday. See your GP first and hopefully he/she wil agree to give you Diazepam.

Take care!

hi catx2,

I'm quite disappointed with my work, i've been there 20 years now. I would have expected a bit more understanding. Now i have the added stress of losing my job.

Was it your gp that suggested you have a colonoscopy or did you ask for one? Is it constipation thats your stomach problem?sometimes i think i'm making myself go to the toilet more than i need to. I'm just so messed up right now, can't leave the house without my pulse going up to 100bpm.

How are coping with the anxiety side of things? I hope you get your results back soon. This takes such a huge chunk out of our lives does'nt it?

Tracey. Xx

Hi Tracey

My H Pylori test was negative. Was kind of hoping it would be positive and then I would have a clear answer and some medication.

Read a thread over on General Health about someone who was worried about bowel cancer. Quite scary to read replies from people who have had it.

My symptoms are mainly constipation, trapped wind, pain, indigestion and acid reflux.

It was my GP who suggested to refer me. He said it is not because he things it is anything serious but hoping that they might be able to help in some way. Also think he did it beacause I would know for sure then.

All this anxiety is just wasting valuable time. I've been anxious about health for a year now. It is very tireing.

Cat

Hi KM - You say your GP is 99% sure there is nothing seriously wrong with you and I'm sure that's true. I think she has suggested the colonoscopy to prove to you that there is nothing wrong, not because it is clinically necessary. I had one last year as I was having rectal bleeding, but it was nothing in the end. I have to warn you though that the procedure is unpleasant and quite painful but only for a very short time.

Me too so sorry about the added anxiety about your health. I think that mental health should be included in the Disability Discrimination Act but I don't think it is. The OH Dr might make suggestions that can ease your work or recommend you work part time. However at the moment you are clearly unfit for work.

The trouble is with health anxiety is that as one worry clears up, another one emerges and as Cat says it is all so tiring. Are you being referred for colonoscopy too Cat. I too suffer from constipation and indigestion which is getting worse but I have had bouts of this from time to time in the past. As I am over 60, the GP who I saw first about indigestion referred me for an endoscopy and nothing was found. Incidentally when I had my colonoscopy I was the opposite to you and KM - I had been feeling ill for weeks after having campylobacter (a type of food poisoning like salmonella) and was also still having diarrhoea (even though the lab results were by now negative) and rectal bleeding, so my GP referred me to the rapid access clinic (appt witin 2 weeks) and I knew that these kind of appts were for suspicion of cancer. I was hoping that they would fine something so that I would know why I was feeling so ill. They didn't find anything and the surgeon said he couldn't understand why I had been referred.

Ah well, keep us posted KM and sending you warm wishes.....NN

hi nananina,

How are you? I'm quite upset about my work. I only work part time and they have told me that i can go back gradually but i just don't know if i'm up to it yet.

You must have been very worried when you had the rectal bleeding, did they find out the cause? I'm really worried about the colonoscopy and i still have to speak to my gp again to tell her if i want referred.

I actually managed to get my ds to nursery yesterday but had to get my dp to take time off work to come with me. When we got there i promptly burst into tears. I spoke to someone there from family support and found it very helpful. This morning i had to takhim myself, i was terrifiied but i managed to do it, even went to the supermarket so quite pleased wih myself. Still dreading doing it again tomorrow though!

I hope you're keeping well.

Hi kaylasmum - today's achievements are absolutely amazing . Can't believe you decided to go to the supermarket too - your confidence had obviously been boosted by achieving the huge nursery task & the support of the family support worker .

Delighted to hear what you achieved , & it's to be expected that you're very nervous about nursery tomorrow - I remember the suggestion to not give my feelimngs quite as much importance as I was used to regarding them with & I often use that as probably my top coping mechanism .

I don't mean at all to recommend ignoring your instincts / stress reactions , just that sometimes they're out of proportion or attatching themselves to the "wrong" target / area , or/ being plain misleading as you have a bout of depression & are feeling negative .
The saying " let your emotions follow your actions" sounds unrealistic & smug , but has a touch of sense about it , & following it till I'm rebalanced has often helped me .

Hope you achieve your goal again tomorrow xx

PS Sorry to hear of that nasty episode of ill health , NanaNina , & hope catx2 gets some answers soon .

hi cityhobgoblin,

Thanks for your encouragement.

I've managed to get my ds to nursery each day and even spent yesterday afternoon in the town, was'nt totally relaxed but i did it!

Went to my cbt session this morning and my therapist has decided to refer me to the mental health team as she feels that she can't help me and that i'm needing extra support. Hopefully i won't have to wait too long to be assessed. I'm hoping that i might be able to get my meds reviewsd.

Hi KM - it sounds good news that your employers are talking about you going back gradually, rather than you losing your job, though I don't think you are up to it yet. Well done for getting ds to nursery, and as for spending the day in town - big wow - I find that very stressful when I'm feeling low, because I have lived in the same town all my life and worry I'll meet someone who will want to chat, and I won't be up to it.

Interesting that the cbt therapist feels that you are not ready for therapy at the moment, probably because she feels you need something to take the edge of the anx/dep before you can access therapy, which is true. Presumably the mental health team will assess you. I may be mixed up but I thought you were seeing the GP a week or so ago to talk about change in meds. I've probably got it wrong and if I go back to some of the earlier posts I will lose this one. Am very limited with IT!

I'm feeling marginally better today and my CPN has been, so that was good to have someone to pour it all out to.....she was telling me about all the cuts that are being made in the NHS because of the govt's plan to privatise it. She says people will have a shock next April when all the details come out, as lots of operations that are not seen as necessary will not be done unless you can pay to go private. Cataracts was one of them!

Re this colonoscopy - you could ask your GP for a straight answer - is she referring you to put your mind at rest, or does she think there is any possibility that it is clinically necessary. If it is the former I would say don't have it (it's most unplesant) but if the latter then yes. Mind if it is going to put your mind at rest - then you could go ahead. In view of what my CPN was saying today, you might be best to have it, as it seems like so many things are going to be cut in the near future.

There did not appear to be any reason for my rectal bleeding (which was only slight) and hasn't happened for 2 years. I was told to go back to the GP if it happened again. It really is best to keep away from Dr Google! and other physical illness sites - this is just going to fuel your anxiety (I know - I've been there) but I am now convinced that mental illness often manifests itself as physical illness initially. Was talking about this with my CPN today (she's very experienced) and she said you wouldn't believe the number of people who think they have this that and the next thing and are off to the GP, when really it is some kind of mental illness. This is certainly what happened with me.

Hob - am trying to get my head round "let your emotions follow your actions" I have found myself being pre-occupied this week and at all times of the day "am I better or worse than yesterday" "Am I really flat and empty" and not knowing the answer - thoughts just going round and round in my head. Can you give an example of letting your emotions follow your actions.

catx2 - I think you should keep away from medical sites too (the computer s a mixed blessing isn't it - at least with the old medical books, you just got a paragraph but the trouble with Dr Google is that it takes you from symptoms of an illness, diagnosis, treatment, as far as you want to go really, right down to statistics for surviving something like cancer.

Thinking about you KM and everyone else who is suffering from this truly crap illness that can only be really understood by those of us who have the misfortune to have first hand experience of it.

I can sympathise with you. I go through bad phases where I worry about my health. It all started 13 years ago when I found a lump in my breast which turned out to be a cyst and harmless but I have never been the same since and went from one Doctor to another to get reassurance. I have had councelling and it did help. I too have check ups in the anal region and also have IBS. Its very easy to imagine all sorts of bad things going on. More recently I thought I had a lump in my throat, my doc assured me it was nothing but as I am a singer I use my throat more and after one rehearsal got home and spit out some blood. The Doc again said it was just a little blood vessel but it kept happening and I got very worried and went to see a consultant who looked down my throat and said all was fine.I rested for five weeks only to find the next time I sang, it happened again so now I am waiting to see a consultant in Manchester who deals with singers but over the last three months, I have thought all sorts. Because of this I also have a very tight feeling in my throat, I know its a muscle that contracts under stress but its awful and there is no escape. I broke down last Sunday morning feeling helpless. My Doctor gives me Propranalol, not sure if they do anything for me. But I do know that you seem to become more aware of your body when something happens and once you get into the train of thought that something is wrong with you, its very hard to get out of, convinced that you are right and the experts are wrong. I have been referred for CBT and hopefully this will help. I feel like I have taken a backwards step but I am looking for light at the end of the tunnel.

nananina

I'm pleased to hear that you're feeling a little better. Do you see your cpn regularly? I'm hoping when i aam assessed by the mental health team that i will be allocated a cpn. Do you know if they can advise on medication. I've not discussed this with my gp.

Unfortunately i've not managed to get my ds to nursery this week as i've been very low. I think i'm extremely depressed, no motivation whatsoever. I'm quite upset as my cbt therapist told me that she has concerns for my dc, i never thought it would come to this, my kids are my life and now i'm failing them.

As far as the colonoscopy is concerned, my gp said that given the time i've been having the stomach problems it would be best to have it done although she does'nt think there is a serious problem. I suppose they have to cover their backs, although she has left it up to me to decide.

I hope you continue to do well and that all us sufferers manage to find peace from this curse.

Sunshinebay

Its a nightmare is'nt it? Continual worrying about one thing after another.

Is your gp overly concerned about your throat probl em? have you had ibs for long? I'm so worn out from all the worry.

I hope you get some answers soon.

Tracey. Xx

with my gp yet.

can't cope with anxiety much longer, i'm a mess and no good to anyone