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severe anxiety for 3 months now very depressed and don't know what to do

68 replies

kaylasmum · 28/08/2011 13:47

hi,

I posted here a couple of months ago due to the anxiety i was suffering. I have health anxiety and it all started off when i was convinced i had anal cancer because of a pile. I was reassured by many gps but my ibs was flaring up really bad so i then started to fixate on bowel cancer.

I've been having cbt for 2 months now but not finding it paerticularly helpful. I've been signed off my work for 9 weeks now and my level of anxiety is as high as ever, i'n also feeling very depressed and struggling to function on a day to day basis. Just want to stay in bed all day.

My ds was meant to start nursery last week but i put it off till next week cos i can't face it. My stomach issues have improved but i'm still having the odd problem. I'm completely obsessed over my bowels. My therapist is conviced the anxiety and bowel issues are connected as does my gp.

I saw my gp on monday and she prescribed propranolol as i had been taking diazepam and she was concerbed about addiction. I've not found them to be particularly helpful.

I really don't know what to do, i've never been so miserable. I'm failing my dcs terribly.

OP posts:
cityhobgoblin · 30/08/2011 16:29

Well said indeed , NanaNina . Sorry kaylasmum , didn't see this thread .
Sorry you've been having such a hard time , but glad you're getting such good advice on here . You've always sounded a very good , if self - critical , parent to me & I'm glad your ds is managing his condition well.

In my experience it's not surprising , nor grounds for pessimism , that you're still feeling this way , as you do sound as though you have depression . These problems sometimes take years to show up , & it takes months to uproot them & really begin to feel on the track to recovery .

Good sign also that you're still feeling a bit better in the evenings.

Sorry not to have much to add atm but just want to say I admire the way you've tried to plough on , & sorry the CBT isn't v useful at the moment - agree with NN that it makes sense when you're feeling OK .

kaylasmum · 30/08/2011 19:06

hi NanaNina,

Thanks again for your post. Not had too good a day as i'm choked up with the cold and feeling pretty horrible. Its helps to know that i can talk over my feelings with like minded people on here.

I have to go back to my gp for a review of my medication in about a weeks time so will mention to her about the possibiliy of a change in meds.

Hi cityhobgoblin,

Nice to hear from you again.

I thought for a while that i was improving, going out more, feeling more relaxed but since the schools have gone back i seem to be getting worse.

I'm still obsessing about my stomach issues even though things have settled down a great deal, it seems the slightest change and i'm getting into a panic. My therapist and gp are stiill certain its anxiety/ibs as am i when i can think rationally, which unfortunately is'nt often enough.

I don't know why i can't pull myself out of this. I feel so bad for my poor family.

OP posts:
jardy · 30/08/2011 19:49

Sometimes we do want the kindness of strangers.Kaylasmum ,it sounds like you have improved.I so agree with you regarding mornings and the fact that there is no logic to mh.It is a bully also.I am not a morning person at all,yuk yuk!One thing that helps me is to lose myself in something,I really enjoyed a bit of telly last night,I only watch it occasionally.You mustn`t feel you are a bad parent,you are not,that is the depression talking so tell it to buzz off!

SardineQueen · 30/08/2011 20:03

Hi Kaylasmum I just saw your post and wanted to say that I have been suffering with anxiety and depression for a couple of years and recently went to the doc and got seroxat (paroxetine) which has been a total revelation.

I can see that nananina has been talking about meds and you have a review coming up, I just wanted to mention something that has worked for e FYI.

I hope things improve for you soon Smile

SardineQueen · 30/08/2011 20:03

Anxiety is an absolute bastard, I feel so sorry for you.

NanaNina · 30/08/2011 20:51

HI kaylasmum - look lovely if you could pull yourself out of this you would - we all would!! At the risk of repeating myself it is a symptom of anxiety and depression....it's deceitful and as jardy says it is a bully as well. Never heard it called that but it fits. I am having a blip at the moment but also have a chest infection, so think I should be able to control the blip but know I need ABs for the chest infection......glad you are having your meds reviewed.

Note SardineQueen (what a great nickname - I picture a mermaid) talks of seroxat being a revelation but I think you said your GP had changed you to that instead of diazepam because of addiction. Has it done any good at all?

Let us know how your review goes - take care of yourself ...NN

jardy · 31/08/2011 08:11

Morning!Just to let you know there are friends out here thinking of you and hoping you are having flickers of feeling better.Please don`t expect too much of yourself,and if you have got up and dressed,give yourself a pat on the back!

cityhobgoblin · 31/08/2011 08:46

What lovely people you've gathered on this thread , kaylasmum . Won't have net access for a couple of days but wil be sending positive thoughts xx

SardineQueen · 31/08/2011 09:12

Is citalopram the same as seroxat? I don't know much about the different drugs so sorry if I posted something not very helpful there!

I hope you are feeling OK today x

NanaNina · 31/08/2011 12:28

Hi Sardinequeen (love the name) citalopram and seroxat are not the same - they are 2 different types of ADs. You didn't post anything unhelpful. It's just that you said seroxat was a revelation for you (so glad) but I think Kayla's mum is already on this. I think the confusion is caused with these drugs because they are known by their generic name and their brand name. So seroxat is the brand name and paroxetine is the generic name.

I think KM's mum was on diazepam and her GP changed her to seroxat (paroxetine) because of the concern about dependency on diazepam. Hope I'm right as I'm feeling pretty crap this morning, and a bit fuzzy headed.

Hi Kayla'smum - how are you doing today......are your children at school and nursery - did you manage to get them there - if so - well done you. Is the school playground a problem, full of happy, chatty mums.......and having to avoid them. When I am in a blip (day 4 of a pretty bad one for me) I hate to see people laughing and suddenly become so aware of people and it seems everyone is happy, smiling, laughing etc. When I am ok I don't notice what others are doing. Sorry if I'm rambling a bit........am I right that you are on seroxat (paroxetine) and are they doing any good- thinking of you .....NN

jardy · 01/09/2011 08:05

Good Morning Kaylas mum!Thinking of you-let us know if you got your dd to Nursery.I so know how difficult it is to get out of bed when you suffer from chronic depression.Put a track suit near your bed,slip into it,brush your teeth and comb your hair,try not to look in the mirror,make a cup of tea,put chris evans on,(Radio 2),you might not like him but I believe he does understand about depressed people in the morning,make a cup of tea.Please try and get your little girl up and to Nursery.The routine will help you and your little girl.Can I suggest you get hold of a copy of Paul Gilberts Overcoming Depression.I think the very fact that you have posted on here shows that you have made the first step to getting better.
Don`t forget the cup of tea,(((((((((hugs)))))))))) to you -you are not alone.
Brew

kaylasmum · 01/09/2011 10:32

thank you all for your lovely messages, you are all so kind.

Yesterday was an awful day. My cold was really bad and my stomach was playing up terribly. My eldest dd took my dd to school but unfortunately i did'nt get my ds to nursery. He's full of the cold too so probably for the best.

My dd invited us round to hers for tea, i did'nt want to go but i went anyway. I spent the whole time feeling ill and could'nt manage to eat much, i just wanted to get back home. I feel so bad about that, she went to a lot of bother.

My HV came in to see me yesterday and she told me that i have to get my ds started at nursery or he might lose his place. I really hate what i've become, this just is'nt me. We are going to turkey in a month and i'm dreading it. Everyones excited but whenever anyone mentions it i feel dread. I have never felt so low in all my life.

Nananina, i'm on citalopram. The doctor prescribed propranolol instead of the diazepam although i don't find them overly helpful.

Jardy, i've been thinking about asking for hypnotherapy to see if it can help with this fixation that i have over my bowels. Do you have any experience of this at all?

Maybe they need to lock me up, i'm no good to anyone just now. I'm so ashamed.

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catx2 · 01/09/2011 15:42

Hi Kaylasmum.
So sorry you are having such a tough time.
I didn't look on here yesterday because sometimes I just get more panicky when I read about things over on the Health thread.
I thought things would get better for me over the holidays but no. Maybe I've been too stressed looking after all the visitors we have had over the summer.
Starting work again next week and kids go back to school so back to the usual rushing around. I've got my appointment with gastro team in Oct. Lately I've also started fixate on that one of my boobs is itchy. Feel like I should ask G.P about it but he will prob just think I've really gone mad.

I saw you mentioned about hypnotherapy. I've thought about that before. I was looking into it while back but felt it was a bit expensive and thought I should try and get rid of my health anxiety myself.
If you can afford it why don't you give it try. Don't think it could do any harm anyway.
I'm still managing to enjoy things a little bit at the moment and still get out and about. But I was like you last year and it so awful when you can't look after your family. I really hope you find a way to feel better soon.

kaylasmum · 01/09/2011 19:23

hi catx2,

I know what you mean about things making you more panicky on the health thread, it does that to me too. My cbt therapist has told me to stay away from medical sites and even stay off here but i find it very difficult to stay off. I know i'm not helping myself y doing this.

Are you still having the same stomach issues as before? How are you feeling about going back to work? I hope it goes ok for you.

I hate how i feel when i leave my house, i feel vulnerable and scared. I've never experienced anything like this before. I was always out and about every day before all this happened, my whole life has changed and i know its unfair on my family but i can't help it.

Good luck next week in going back to work, take care.

Tracey x

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catx2 · 01/09/2011 21:49

Yes still the same stomach issues. Had some more bloodtests and all fine apparently. Had a test for heliobacter pylori yesterday and now waiting for the results for that. If that's negative I'm just going to have to wait until I see the gastroenterologist.
when I was at my worst last year I was really struggling going out too. It just used to make me feel really dizzy and I really hated driving. Thankfully Citalopram helped me through that really tough bit. I'm sorry the medication is not working for you. I think you should look into Hypnotherapy like you mentioned earlier. It's worth a try. Especially as you have already tried medication and cbt.
Have you gone back to work? Seem to remember you saying before you got signed off for a while?
Cat

jardy · 01/09/2011 22:00

I have only tried a little bit of hypnotherapy and it didnt work for me.C.B.T and self help books do.I know you havent got M.E but if you google their ideas they are very good,and might work very well for you.Take care,for what it is worth,I think you are making progress and your holiday will do you good. x

jardy · 01/09/2011 22:07

Sorry cannot find the M.E site I found really helpful.Try instead self help sites for depression.Please do take care,remember it is an illness not of your making.

TheArmadillo · 01/09/2011 22:27

What you said about you coping when your life was at its most stressful (and clearly was for a long time) and then this starting when the pressure eased off is actually quite normal. We go into survival mode and its only when we can stop and look around that we really react to all the stress - and you'd saved up quite a bit by the sounds of it!

I got on really well with cbt but only because I'd got to a place where I was well enough to work with it - at my sickest I wasn't well enough to function let alone start to work on my behaviour and beliefs that had built up over a lifetime.

I found the extreme anxiety terrifying - I had always been anxious to a certain extent but this took things to a new level. I was scared that I'd lost myself completely and would never come back. I used to have paranoid delusions and hallucinations as a result of the stress and this just served as evidence to me that that was it and I had lost it forever.

For me it was like being a small child waking up from a nightmare in the pitch dark, with shadows/shapes and unexplained noises. That kind of primal terror, all encompassing and completely exhausting and no space to think about anything but your survival, jittery from the huge amount of adreneline running through you.

My therapist told me that when you believe things are real (even if rationally you know they aren't), then your body reacts as though you are, you start getting ready to fight or run, you are flooded with adreneline etc. Of course this feeds back to your mind and creates a vicious circle.

I knew what caused my anxiety, I knew that I needed to 'focus on my children' and stop paying attention to my worries as yummyhoney helpfully pointed out, it didn't mean I knew how to do it though.

As I said for me CBT has been really helpful - but I spent 9 months doped up on antipsychotics (they turned me into a complete zombie - I couldn't be trusted for long on my own or e.g. looking after the kids, going to work) till I was well enough to come off the tablets and then start CBT. I do worry how well the cbt will work when a major crisis happens though, I've had a couple of incidents where I have then struggled to put my cbt into practice.

I found medication the key to making me well enough to start therapy. If its not working for you, then maybe ask whether you can try a different medication. Are you under gp led care? Have you had a psychiatric assessment recently? If not could you request one, especially as you seem to be feeling worse than you were?

TheArmadillo · 01/09/2011 22:38

sorry (I know I'm long winded)

I know what you mean about feeling incrediably vunerable - I felt like my (recent) hard won freedom, independance and control over my own life had gone completely, I was now completely reliant on others and the world outside was a terrifying place with all its dangers standing out in stark detail, with everything else fading into the background. And feeling powerless against all of this.

NanaNina · 01/09/2011 22:40

Hi KM - "maybe they just need to lock me up - I'm no good to anyone just now. I feel so ashamed" - I have said more or less the same words so many times during the past 2 years, especially the feeling ashamed thing. No-one (who hasn't experienced this horrid illness) can understand why you feel ashamed when you are ill, but that is the feeling we have. Another trick that Anx'dep plays on us.

Are you going to Turkey on holiday? I am not surprised the thought of this is making you anxious and ill and to be honest I don't think you should even think about going whilst you are feeling so ill. I have family in Ireland but I couldn't even cope with going there for almost a year, even though I had a new grandchild I was desparate to see.

Do you have a P or D KM - if so is he supportive.

When you have your review I really think you should tell the GP how ill you are feeling and ask for a change in meds to see if that helps. Citalopram is an SSRI AD and seems to be the drug of choice these days. If it works, it seems to work well, but if it doesn't it leaves people feeling like you do now. That's the thing about anx/dep what drug suits one person doesn't suit another. It may be that a tryclic drug (old fashioned sort) might suit you better, or even another SSRI.

catxw2 - I have an itchy boob too so no cause for concern.

Jardy I know you mean to be helpful about the M.E site, but I felt a shudder when I saw this because I was fixated on the thought that I had this illness for several months and my depressive episode followed this. It's a bit of a risk for any of us with health anxiety to google stuff, and I have stopped myself from doing it.

jardy · 02/09/2011 10:35

hi nananina,thank you for pointing this out,yes googling can be negative but some of the sites really helped me,but yes,important that you pointed this out x

kaylasmum · 02/09/2011 13:46

hi catx2,

does your gp think that H pylori is likely. How long until you get your results back for that?

Had a horrible day yesterday and still feeling the effects. My gp gave me propranolol, 10mg 3x a day. Last week i took 2 tablets in the morning instaed of 1 and i had diahorea 2 hours later. I did the same yesterday and had diahorea again a couple of hours later. I totally freaked out because i thought it had a reddish tinge to it but when i wiped it was fine (sorry tmi). But of course his has put my anxiety into overdrive. I checked the leaflet for side effects and upset stomach is one of the coommon ones. Not going to take them anymore. I went to the toilet and everything was normal but i'm still stressing out majorly, can't function properly at all today. I feel so sad.

Jardy,

I am going to speak to my therapist about hypnotherapy. I called a local hypnotherapist the other day, she said as i'm already receiving cbt that she would'nt want to get involved but to ask my therapist about getting it alongside the cbt.

TheArmadillo,

This has definately been the worst i've ever been. I've lost all sense of myself. Intense fear every day. I just don't know what to do. I've only been out the house twice this week, the thought of it makes me shake.

Nananina,

I'm definately going to mention a change in meds when i next see her. The holiday to Turkey is all paid for and there's quite a few of us going, i can't let everyone down, they are all so excited about it. Maybe my gp can give me diazepam to take with me just to get me through.. Really don't wantto take the propranolol anymore if its upsetting my stomach as this is the cause of my anxiety. If i could i would stay in bed all day everday.

I can't imagine ever feeling any better.....

OP posts:
jardy · 03/09/2011 08:40

It`s just a set back,and there will be ups and downs like this

kaylasmum · 03/09/2011 15:37

hi jardy,

Unfortunately its all downs at the moment. Just off for a meeting at my work, a bit nervous but they are really understanding.

OP posts:
Ohnoredundo · 03/09/2011 16:35

I am so sorry you are suffering from anxiety. It's awful - nightmarish at times - and my heart goes out to you.