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Original poster

I fucking hate mental illness

45 replies

luckywinner · 01/07/2011 13:29

Sorry for the title, I am just so sick of feeling anxious, down, worthless, insecure, sad. I want to be free. I want to have fun. I want to run around the park with dc like a complete loon. I want to be able to let go. That's all really. Just wanted to yell. I have had enough. And I am now at the point where I know suicide won't free me. So I am stuck with this. I feel like I am destined to be frightened for the rest of my life.

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Sewilma · 01/07/2011 14:05

Sorry to hear that Luckywinner. Have you been diagnosed with a mental illness and on medication? I hope there is someone you can talk to - partner? close friend? Might be worth making an appointment with your GP.

Hopefully someone with a bit more experience will come on soon but I didn't want you to go unanswered x

Original poster
luckywinner · 01/07/2011 14:43

I have been diagnosed with severe depression. I am on anti-ds and under the care of a psychiatrist but I am just so sick of feeling like this. I am basically having a rant. I want to have a monumental strop about it and throw all my toys out of the pram. It just feels so unfair. Thank you for your reply though. I know my title is a bit harsh but I just want to scream.

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bittersweetvictory · 01/07/2011 15:56

Know exactly how you feel luckwinner i fuking hate mental illness as well, sometimes i just feel like screaming and jumping up and down in frustration, i wish some one could invent a peace of mind pill.

NanaNina · 01/07/2011 20:10

Me too know exactly how you feel luckywinner. I too have depression which fluctuates but am so so sick of it. I keep a journal and some pages are filled with huge letters saying exactly what you have said (I hate fucking mental illness) it's a hundred times worse than physical illness I think. People don't understand and there isn't any way you can describe it is there. We have to believe it will pass and we will look back on it as a distant memory.

ohhappyday · 01/07/2011 20:17

lucky I too know exactly how you feel its as NanaNina says there's no way to describe it. I went through extremely bad phase two years ago and have come out the other end (all be it this has been going on for twenty years and I have had 4 bad bouts plus all the fall outs.) However, I tend to recover after 3/4 months (slowly). This time round though I attended a 6 week full time programme with CBT etc and this really helped. I also attend a support group etc. I have to treat the illness like an additction etc. I am always in recovery and I am always terrified it will come back - especially if I am stressed or told to cut down meds. It's crap - but trust me hang in there you will recover xxx

ItsMyTurn · 01/07/2011 22:21

me too - nana I remember you from before somewhere?????????I am having chronic anxiety. FEel so fucking dreadful. I canot seem to escape from myself. You can take pain killers for every other illness but not this one. It is horrific. I hvae had a shit shit shit time and now this????!?!?! What kind of sick joke is ths??!?!?!?! I feel quite good now (believe it or not) I usually feel better in teh evenings, but during the day I cannot stopt these horrific sensations adn thoughts from engulfing me. It is putrid and vile and I want a cure!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ItsMyTurn · 01/07/2011 22:22

had e-fucking - nuff. Love my children so much that I will, I WILLL get better

serajen · 02/07/2011 03:39

me too, fucking hate every minute of the struggle, can't live but can't die, would kill my daughter if i committed suicide, stuck between a rock and a hard place, wake every morning, after about 2 hours sleep, and think o no, not this again, hate being conscious, crave oblivion, but sleep brings torturous nightmares, why is it like this, used to be vibrant, life and soul of party, pretty, desirable, all that crap, now am hugely overweight cos i stuff my feelings down with food, live behind a mask and inside i'm screaming, mental illness is so destructive and 'a country non-depressives will never visit', we didn't ask for this and it's a million miles away from self-pity, would trade a limb to be rid of it

DioneTheDiabolist · 02/07/2011 04:06

Mental Illness sucks. But there is a way out. You + right counsellor + medication = Normality.

Do not give up. Find inspiration and hope where you can. Keep pushing for counselling until you find the solution. You are much stronger than most others in that you have your problems and still find a way to go on. Y'all will get through, cos you are strong and smart and motivated.

Keep trying. Keep doing. Keep being. And be a pain in the arse of your GPs until you get the help you need.

Original poster
luckywinner · 02/07/2011 12:04

Do you know what I hate about it most, is even when I am having a positive moment I think, when is all the shit going to come back? I agree it is like being between two worlds. As much as sometimes I would like to do it, you can't escape through suicide. That is just another way to pass on the misery. And its not like I want to die either. I just want to be free of this misery. I want to enjoy my children, my husband, my life. I just want to be able to smile. I really don't think that is too much to ask.

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NanaNina · 02/07/2011 12:31

Can endorse every word you say luckywinner - we can't/won't commit suicide because of passing on the pain to our loved ones. I often wish I could have a quick heart attack and die and then it would just be a natural death.

Itsmyturn - not sure where you remember me from - I go on adoption/fostering threads (was a social worker for 30 yrs) now retired. Also on step parenting thread cus I'm one of those too. I sometimes get slammed if I try to stick up for MILS! (cus I'm one of those too) Also post on InTheNews, especially if it's a sw bashing thread! Like you I'm usually better in the evening. I know how you feel Sarajen about trading a limb, but there are worse things and it sometimes helps me to remember that. I was on psych ward for 3 months last Easter with a major depressive episode (still not fully recovered) and there was a woman who was very attractive, lovely clothes, lovely family visiting every day. She had early onset dementia or alzheimers and to see her looking so scared and bewildered was very upsetting. I think in the eary stages you know something is wrong bt don't know what.

Dione - I think you might be being a little bit optimistic - meds have certainly helped me, but the problem is that mental illness is so individual and so little is known about the brain and its disorder, and ADs don't work the same for everyone. I know you are sending a positive message which is important.

Luckywinner - just read your last post and yes yes yes, my good days are often spoiled by wondering when the shit is coming back and usually there are no triggers. I can't control my life or make arrangements cus I never know when I am going to be in a "blip" (which is what the medics call it). I am lucky to have a lovely CPN a supportive partner (been together 40 yrs) and some good women friends.

We must tell ourselves that eventually this will pass. Still get monthly visit from psychiatrist who says this is a "self limiting illness" hmmmmmm, I'm stil waiting. Good to hear that others feel the same cus sometimes I think it's just me.

ohhappyday · 02/07/2011 14:39

nananina oh pet its not just you - the whole thing is so awful its hard to articulate to anyone who hasn't suffered like this - and suffer we do.

I read back on one of my journals yesterday and it upset me the whole day - remembering how bad I got and absolutely panicking in case it comes back.

So glad I've found this thread - Bless you all

iMemoo · 02/07/2011 18:30

I know how it feels too. It impacts on every area of my life and I hate it.

Does anyone else have that moment when you first wake up and feel gutted and paralysed with fear because you've got to get through another day? I sometimes lie in bed at the moment and in my heading I'm pleading " please God just let me die".

The thing I find hardest to explain to others us how it becomes a physical pain. Your chest hurts, you feel sick in your stomach, your leg feel weak, you feel like are actually dying ( if only)

Original poster
luckywinner · 02/07/2011 21:46

Evening fellow mh-haters. I am currently listening to s club 7's reach in an attempt to revive my deathly mood. I'd say anti-depressants are working marginally better.

Has anyone ever tried hypnosis to try and shift themselves out of their state of mind?

I totally agree that until you've been in this state, you will never ever understand the pain. You're right, it is a physical pain. It's utter bollocks. I think I might use this thread to swear as much as I can about the state of my mind. I hope no one minds. I can always use asterisks Smile.

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Original poster
luckywinner · 02/07/2011 21:50

ps, iMemoo I know that pain. It is like a belt tightening round your chest. I dream of being anaesthetised, that delicious feeling of being knocked out and being oblivious to what's going on.

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ohhappyday · 03/07/2011 20:05

Hey lucky how are you feeling today - bit better I hope - I've tried hypnosis many times - promised cures many times, cost me a fortune - did not work - in fact I think it made me worse. The only type of thing I found useful along these lines were CD's by a man called Glen Harold but this was only when I was in recovery not in the midst of an episode.

To be honest the only thing that worked for me was CBT and meds which take time.

imemoo the mornings are awful awful awful I was told that this is due to the serotonin level in your brain depleting throughout the night. I asked God to take me home many times as I felt I would never recover and have to live like this forever. Thanks to God I did get better and you will to.

ItsMyTurn · 03/07/2011 22:39

i alwys feel dreadful inthe morning - full of hope and promise by evening. All will be good. It will. It has to improve. It just is so overwhelming but we will ALL get better. Look to the future - it is what is there for us. Not tomorrow or the next day etc, but really the future. x

NanaNina · 03/07/2011 23:41

Hello all MH haters.........can identify with what so many of you are saying. Waking up in the morning with that flat, empty feeling, like someone has shaken all the insides out of me........and yes mornings are soooo much worse. They did used to say in hospital that for some people evenings are the worse. Yes Itsmyturn - that's me too, feel so much better in the evening and so much more like me, but sometimes I wake up feeling shite. I do have lots of good days though, but there is always that fear of when is it coming back.

Night all............I like this thread - it might save me moaning quite so much to my DP.

ItsMyTurn · 04/07/2011 09:14

I have decided to let the feelings come but not to pay them any attention. Then they have nothing to build on. I am stil ridiculously anxious but it seems a bit better. Hanging on to myself -iyswm - makes it so much worse. Just letting it wash over me and living my day. Very diff but better than fearing it. Still feel shit but less shit than yesterday.
Nana- I do remember you from somewhere! Maybe early baby theads - my name was cruisemum back then, ring any bells?!

lottieloulou · 04/07/2011 09:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ItsMyTurn · 04/07/2011 09:52

lottielou -SadSadSadSad
It WILL get better, It has to, it reeally does. You have to believe that. If I allow myself to think that this is me forever it freaks me out completely and the anxiety takes sucha firm hold that I am drowning in it. Don't allow it, let it come and let it pass - there is a limit to how much damage it can do. Let it pass. It will pass. ARe you on meds? Seeing counsellor etc? I'm not but am planning on seeing cousellor and have meds sitting in my bedside cabinet but hav not yet succumbed. You are NOT alone, rant and rant and rant as much as you like but do NOT be defeated. It is only thoughts, xx

kizzie · 04/07/2011 10:14

I was just looking for the 'Blippity Blips' thread - but cant find it so thought I would post here instead.

I've just had 3 good weeks - felt quite normal. Just at ease and myself. But then couple of days ago shakiness started again and last night edge of panic attacks through the night :-(

I soooo hate it. Twelve years and counting for me. Altho have had good times in between.

Sorry to everyone else on this thread going through difficult time x

kizzie · 04/07/2011 10:15

I was just looking for the 'Blippity Blips' thread - but cant find it so thought I would post here instead.

I've just had 3 good weeks - felt quite normal. Just at ease and myself. But then couple of days ago shakiness started again and last night edge of panic attacks through the night :-(

I soooo hate it. Twelve years and counting for me. Altho have had good times in between.

Sorry to everyone else on this thread going through difficult time x

ItsMyTurn · 04/07/2011 10:42

kizzie - I am like you. It comes and goes. I don't get panic attacks now but anxiety which is equally as fucking shit. I know I can overcome it though as i have done previously. And you will too. Three weeks Shock yaaay for you Smile. That sounds heavenly. Nighttime panic is the absollute pits. No one to reasssure you and hours stretching ahead of you. I too suffer from insomnia but funnily enouhg, in the midst of all ths chronic anxiety I am sleeping well My mind must be so exhausted that it needs sleep desperately Confused . Try to let it wash over you. You already know that you have not died of a panic attack so you won't now. Let your body slump and let it wash over you. It might help Smile

Original poster
luckywinner · 04/07/2011 11:17

Lottielou, I agree with everything you have written, especially I hate that my existence right now is about faking it.

To me that is the worst bit, that I have to pretend to be ok and that when I pick up the dc I have to smile at other parents and say hi, and pretend everything is fine WHEN IT FUCKING WELL IS NOT.

I really nearly ended it all in November. Dc and dh were the only things stopping me from it. Slowly I have recovered. I remember one of the most helpful things was looking at things in a 'buddhist' way. My brother is buddhist and I am really no expert but he kept talking to me about impermanence, and how nothing in the whole world is permanent, not even the sun, as that will burn out eventually. He reminded me not to give any value to my thoughts, that they were not concrete and because I was viewing them as real, they had become a danger to me. However the sooner I realised they were just thoughts, and that they couldn't actually harm me, attack me or kill me, the calmer I would become. It really really worked. However I am in such a headless chicken state at the moment and he is away, that I am finding it difficult to put it into practice again.

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