If I commit suicide?

[manicmummyonadietcokebreak]

If/when I die, I don't think ex will look after them as well as I would like, so can I make it so legally my mother could? And if I leave this in a letter, will the courts take it into consideration? Or as I'm depressed will they say I was mentally unstable?

"I had someone visit from a crisis team a few weeks ago she said that I'm not bad enough as I havnt planned how I'm going to do it."

That is appalling. Crisis should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves if that is an official policy. Perhaps it is driven by budgets, but whatever the reason they are letting a lot of needy people through the net. Outrageous.

Manicmummy, you need to develop a mantra, something like 'it's not me, it's the illness speaking'. All the things you say about your not being a worthy mother to your children, etc, are classic signs of depression. When you get help you will find that all these thoughts change.

If you've had depression since the age of 14 (was this when it started? Or when it was diagnosed? - it could have started earlier) it means you've never really had a chance to learn to value yourself. The teen years are a crucial time for developing our sense of self, and if your teen years were sabotaged by a mental illness which took away your ability to make balanced judgements about yourself and others, then it's no surprise that you're struggling so much now. It sounds like this illness has taken away a hell of a lot. But it needn't have the victory over you.

hope you are having a better day today manicmummy and are on the mend x

Keep popping in Manic....and getting help, keep asking, read your posts as if they're written by someone else and you will see that you are unwell.

Take the very best of care and tell your Mum all about it, ask her not to go home yet.

Sorry I havn't been back for a few days, things got bad, and I did call the HV, and just blurted it all out, which was very hard to do, she came around and called the local MH team, not very helpful again, but got a referal to homestart and the local family centre. I'm going to try to get to the doc to get diff/ higher dose of meds, but that is going to be hard. My mum has gone home now, she invited me to stay/ live at her house, which sounds lovely but am not sure if I should take her up on her offer, as It would mean me and the 3 dc in a small room and I am difficult to deal with at the moment and wouldn't want my mother and siblings to see me like this. And she has a smoker in the house. But I'm still thinking about it.but am going to try my best to get better, I still feel very down but I want to see my beautiful kids grow up, with a happy mum, not a mum that there to scared to upset. Thank you everyone, I don't think I. Would have asked for help with out your kind posts and reasoning, I'm not one that can tell people how I'm feeling, maybe that's why I get to this point, where it gets this bad. I even wrote the dc a letter each, how awful. And the worse thing is that I ruined my ds birthday :( the worse thing about depresstion is that you loose the best bits of being a mother and take away the magic for the dc. I will respond to all the pm soon, havnt had the time as baby very fretful at the moment, understandably. But I appreciate every message and post x does anyone know how I can save this tread and it's contence to read if I feel that way again?

Manic.....Children are incredibly resilient and forgetful all at the same time, which means you can have times when you're not perfect and they won't remember the next day! Force yourself to accept the help and attend surestart!

Take carexxx

Manic this thread will be in the archive - my support thread from when ds was very ill as a new born is still there and he is 3 now. Or you can print it off.

LOL I hate to disillusion anyone but even when you tell the crisis team how your going to do it, have the medication stockpiled to do it and have been up at cliff tops three times, one time of which is on record by the chaplains up at Beachy Head......they STILL arent intrested......

CHRT are useless, in my opinion

mm I am so glad that things have moved forwards a teeeeeeny bit for you. That is progress, it really is. Well done.

Please don't respond to all the pms. Just focus on getting better. If you think responding to some pms will help you do that, then yes, respond to them. As for mine, if we don't live near each other then I can't help so there's no need to respond.

As Crapola said, your DS won't remember this. Or if he does, when he's an adult you'll be able to discuss it with him and he will understand you better and respect you for your honesty, courage and determination to give your children a good life.

As far as your mum's offer is concerned...I tend to think that when you're stuck in a hole, if there's a way out which is not damaging, it's always good to give it a try if only temporarily. Trying something new can have a marvellous effect on the spirit and it could enable you to go back home with renewed motivation to change something in your life.

However, you do raise significant concerns about going to your mum's, and I don't really have any answers, not knowing the house layout/ personality of the smoker. If there is any way you could all work around those things, I think even a month at your mum's place could be a good start.

Rooting for you.

You should definitely stay at your mums - tell her you are very suicidal. Then if you feel near the edge make the first thing you do to knock on her bedroom door.
She sounds lovely - you can always help HER out in the future. Re: anti-ds: the pills can take up to 6 wks to take full effect and the side effects often take 2 wks to settle. I'm onto my 3rd anti-d in 2.5 yrs so it can take time.
You must demand that your GP gets you a Psychiatrist referral - you can see or phone ANY GP in your practice.
I now have a psychiatrist + psychologist. Tell the GP exactly how suicidal you are and that you have plans (asking about child custody if you die is a plan, IME).
Also phone the crisis line and say the same.
Forget counselling or CBT right now - you are too ill for that.
I do still get suicidal - last night especially. (I have BPD with atypical depression.)

SO - You have to be strong and keep fighting the depression - i know it's very hard and easy to give in.
When you are suicidal you really do believe that those who love you will be better off without you - later on i swear you will see how irrational that is.
What stopped me last night? Knowing that within a few hours i would feel ok again.

I recommend:
Make 2 lists.

1. People to call if you are on the edge - eg. Your mum, a friend, samaritans, the crisis team, even 999.
2. A list of distractions from your thoughts - eg play with your baby, do housework, try crosswords.

Lastly you need a daily routine with good diet + exercise. Try to get fresh air daily. Get mum to help do the lists and an action plan. Finally my friends who are paramedics get desperately upset at attending suicides as do pathologists. Because it's such a waste. So it's not only your family who are affected. When you are tempted nothing else matters so that's when you call someone from list 1; and try a distraction from list 2. X

Am going to print this off and keep it to re read, such lovely words and offers of help, didn't know such kindness existed for someone you don't know. Bipolar, I think there awful! I felt they were attacking me and trying to get me to snap with what they were saying to me both times :( Kalista, thanks, will be trying those, glad you have found a coping strategy x my mum is lovely, I did try telling her how I was feeling, but she stopped me, said I don't want to know, I think I do know already, I don't want to hear you say it, but I'm going to help, wether you ask for it or not. I just thought how I would feel if it was my baby telling me she wanted to die. :( she is great :) I will go to the doctors this week and ask for a referral and change med.
I took the kids for a walk, not much, to most, but to me it it was plot, and I'm sure for the kids too :) baby steps crapola, but in the right direction, and crapola, lovecorrie is right x

so pleased you made it out for a walk with the kids, that's great!

Woooooo hooooooo You took them out for a walk....fantastic!! Walking is perfect, you can avoid conversation with other parents in the park(always a good move!), release some stress and endorphins, and got a bit of, as my Grannie used to say, fresh air.

As baby steps go this is fabulous!!