not sure what to do now. is anything worth it?

[sweetmonkey]

i have been on here for a while now and as i explained yest on the bankruptcy thread, i was given this site by a woman i know who knew i was having trouble with my abusive alcoholic mother

basically im 23 live with my dad and bro, my dad has always favoured my bro, he is 19 but they got back from a holiday in jamaica yest (paid for by my dad) , they go to all chelsea games, my dad gives my bro money for lunch each day even though he works full time , buys all his food, dinners takeaways etc, al lhis deodrant , gel etc etc

i got into debt when i was with my ex and am paying back about £255 a month on it, which will be for the next 5 years. i have no savings and so moving out is gonna be virtually impossible

to top it all off the man ive been going out with for just over a year told me last night that he needed time alone to sort his life out. he is 49 and ive known him for years. we have been seeing each other on and off for nearly 2 but properly got it together last November.

I love him so much and he says he loves me and that once he feels better about himself theres a chance we could get back together again. im just not so sure

i just dont know what to do really. i feel sick, have been awake all night thinking, find it v difficult not to cry and ive only reently started a new job which i have my 3 month assessment in a couple of weeks so i need to try and be cheery so they dont decide im not good enough and get rid of me

my man was the one person who knew everything about me but now i feel empty. i know i need to give it time but i dont actually have anything to be around for anymore.

my das is obv quite content with just my bro and my mum is an alci who is going to australia indefinately in dec and i just feel totally alone

sorry this is so long. i know nobody can help.just needed to put it all down somewhere

hi sweetmonkey, thinking of you and reminding you not to forget to go to the docs today. The rest of your life starts here!!!!!!!!!!!

gemma 97 thanks for the message. i didnt go as didnt really wanna waste his time.

still havent eaten, tried a pitta bread last night and managed about a 1/4 of it before nearly chucking it up.

have text ex and asked when i can collect stuff and he said tomorrow would be a good night. so thats the end of that really

You didn't go as you didn't want to waste his time????? Hon, that's what they are there for! now listen to me, you can either sit there and take this crap for the rest of your life, or you can pick yourself up and actually DO something positive! No-one but no-one can help you but yourself. You are in a terrible situation at home and emotionally you need help. Now get down to that GP surgery and take action, make yourself proud! Next time you post you had better tell us that you have taken some steps!

Sweetmonkey, You deserve the attention of someone who can help you at this difficult time. I have sat blubbing in the doctor's chair on several occasions and I was never told that was wasting anybody's time. It's all part of your depression making you feel so worthless. YOU ARE NOT. You have come a long way since last week and now you have to overcome this hurdle in order to get on with your life.

Think about this

"If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got"

An excellent reason to make a change for the better IMHO

Take care and let me know what you decide.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

what a weekend . thought i was doing well recently and its all gone wrong. started thinking about my ex alot more even though ive been trying to keep myself busy.

fri went round my cousins and saw my mum. id arranged to pick her up from her friends and take her there and when i phoned her she was already at my cousins and so i had a wasted journey.
i went and saw my cousin. my mum was drunk and being spiteful. said why do i love my dad so much more than her when he didnt even want me and wanted to get rid of me, which is why my bro is his fave. (nice to know)

she was just generally being bitchy and stuff.anyway i left and got a text from her sat morn saying how nice fri was and that she loved me. she then phoned and i explained i was ocnfused as fri was anything but nice. she then went off on one saying i was just like my dad etc etc.

had office christmas party sat which was ok.woke up at 7 on sunday and wrapped all my xmas pressies and got a phone call from my cousin saying my mum was being taken into hospital by ambulance as they had found her collapsed in her room (she couldnt walk) and had then started puking blood everywhere.

i rushed to the hosp and she was quite ill. stayed all day with her when everyone ele had gone.phoned my grandparents who live in wales(they moved to get away from her as my grandad is ill and has parkinsons, so cant be getting stressed about her) and my gran basically said well she told us yest how horrible you were to her WTF??????? she was the one that had abused me and then hung up on me, not the other way round.they think she is so perfect and that her drink problem is something i should be able to sort out. i have tried but she wont admit she has a problem.

my gran then said about it was mine and my bros responsibity now as by law we are her next of kin and just to keep her informed.

i stayed virtually all day on my own as she was sleeping. they told me the tests showed she had liver damage prob due to all the drinking she does.she had also done 3 litres of vodka since wed.she is tin and only weighs 6 1/2 stone,she doesnt eat either

i left the hosp to go round my exs and get the last of my stuff which was hard. part of me still loves him so much and all i wanted was for him to put his arms around me and hold me tight and make me feel wanted.

i left his and got home and phoned my grandparents just to let them know i was home and i got a lecture on how she though me and my bro would have taken it in shifts to be with mum so shes not on her own. my bro had tickets for a show up london last night so couldnt really cancel and its not like we could do anything anyway. i ws there til about 6ish.

i went to bed last night and just cried for about an hour.my eyes hurt so much today. just dunno why life has to be like this.

sorry this is so long.i just thought it might help if i wrote it all down.

what a weekend . thought i was doing well recently and its all gone wrong. started thinking about my ex alot more even though ive been trying to keep myself busy.

fri went round my cousins and saw my mum. id arranged to pick her up from her friends and take her there and when i phoned her she was already at my cousins and so i had a wasted journey.
i went and saw my cousin. my mum was drunk and being spiteful. said why do i love my dad so much more than her when he didnt even want me and wanted to get rid of me, which is why my bro is his fave. (nice to know)

she was just generally being bitchy and stuff.anyway i left and got a text from her sat morn saying how nice fri was and that she loved me. she then phoned and i explained i was ocnfused as fri was anything but nice. she then went off on one saying i was just like my dad etc etc.

had office christmas party sat which was ok.woke up at 7 on sunday and wrapped all my xmas pressies and got a phone call from my cousin saying my mum was being taken into hospital by ambulance as they had found her collapsed in her room (she couldnt walk) and had then started puking blood everywhere.

i rushed to the hosp and she was quite ill. stayed all day with her when everyone ele had gone.phoned my grandparents who live in wales(they moved to get away from her as my grandad is ill and has parkinsons, so cant be getting stressed about her) and my gran basically said well she told us yest how horrible you were to her WTF??????? she was the one that had abused me and then hung up on me, not the other way round.they think she is so perfect and that her drink problem is something i should be able to sort out. i have tried but she wont admit she has a problem.

my gran then said about it was mine and my bros responsibity now as by law we are her next of kin and just to keep her informed.

i stayed virtually all day on my own as she was sleeping. they told me the tests showed she had liver damage prob due to all the drinking she does.she had also done 3 litres of vodka since wed.she is tin and only weighs 6 1/2 stone,she doesnt eat either

i left the hosp to go round my exs and get the last of my stuff which was hard. part of me still loves him so much and all i wanted was for him to put his arms around me and hold me tight and make me feel wanted.

i left his and got home and phoned my grandparents just to let them know i was home and i got a lecture on how she though me and my bro would have taken it in shifts to be with mum so shes not on her own. my bro had tickets for a show up london last night so couldnt really cancel and its not like we could do anything anyway. i ws there til about 6ish.

i went to bed last night and just cried for about an hour.my eyes hurt so much today. just dunno why life has to be like this.

sorry this is so long.i just thought it might help if i wrote it all down.

what a weekend . thought i was doing well recently and its all gone wrong. started thinking about my ex alot more even though ive been trying to keep myself busy.

fri went round my cousins and saw my mum. id arranged to pick her up from her friends and take her there and when i phoned her she was already at my cousins and so i had a wasted journey.
i went and saw my cousin. my mum was drunk and being spiteful. said why do i love my dad so much more than her when he didnt even want me and wanted to get rid of me, which is why my bro is his fave. (nice to know)

she was just generally being bitchy and stuff.anyway i left and got a text from her sat morn saying how nice fri was and that she loved me. she then phoned and i explained i was ocnfused as fri was anything but nice. she then went off on one saying i was just like my dad etc etc.

had office christmas party sat which was ok.woke up at 7 on sunday and wrapped all my xmas pressies and got a phone call from my cousin saying my mum was being taken into hospital by ambulance as they had found her collapsed in her room (she couldnt walk) and had then started puking blood everywhere.

i rushed to the hosp and she was quite ill. stayed all day with her when everyone ele had gone.phoned my grandparents who live in wales(they moved to get away from her as my grandad is ill and has parkinsons, so cant be getting stressed about her) and my gran basically said well she told us yest how horrible you were to her WTF??????? she was the one that had abused me and then hung up on me, not the other way round.they think she is so perfect and that her drink problem is something i should be able to sort out. i have tried but she wont admit she has a problem.

my gran then said about it was mine and my bros responsibity now as by law we are her next of kin and just to keep her informed.

i stayed virtually all day on my own as she was sleeping. they told me the tests showed she had liver damage prob due to all the drinking she does.she had also done 3 litres of vodka since wed.she is tin and only weighs 6 1/2 stone,she doesnt eat either

i left the hosp to go round my exs and get the last of my stuff which was hard. part of me still loves him so much and all i wanted was for him to put his arms around me and hold me tight and make me feel wanted.

i left his and got home and phoned my grandparents just to let them know i was home and i got a lecture on how she though me and my bro would have taken it in shifts to be with mum so shes not on her own. my bro had tickets for a show up london last night so couldnt really cancel and its not like we could do anything anyway. i ws there til about 6ish.

i went to bed last night and just cried for about an hour.my eyes hurt so much today. just dunno why life has to be like this.

sorry this is so long.i just thought it might help if i wrote it all down.

saw my mum last night and she seemed a bit better. doc told me her results werent back and to phone up this morn. have done that and the nurse has now told me that i shouldnt have listened to what the doc said as they cannot give me results over the phone and that they are releasing her this afternoon anyway

i asked about her alcohol problem as in her notes last night i saw they were treating her for alcohol withdrawal and giving her lots of different drugs. the said they couldnt help me and she would have to refer herself into rehab if she wanted help. nothing else hosp could do as she is medically fit.

i have to phone the alcohol advisory line at lunch and try and get her admitted.spoke to my gran who was telling me not to judge my mum tonight when all id said to her was that i would finish work go straight to hosp to pick her up then take her to my cousins and all sit down ans talk about whats gonna happen.

cant seem to bloody win at the mo, how the hell can i help someone who wont help themself

only just seen this thread. sorry you are going through so much and getting so little support from your family. Do you know that Alcoholics Anonymous have a branch called Al-Anon that support family members of alcoholics? If your mum doesn't want to help herself and stop drinking, unfortunately there is very little you can do. Don't waste all your energy on people that won't help themselves, try and save most of it for you, as you do want to help yourself feel better.

the thing is she is living with my cousin at mo. she has had enough of my mum as she is always drunk and basically my cousins life is revolving around her at the mo. all her friends are alcis and she is going to oz in 2 weeks for a month or 2 and is staying with an alci out there.

i feel bad for my cousin as she is the one living with my mum and i feel it is more my responsibilty than hers.

have just got back from my cousins and am knackered. cant stop crying. cant stop thinking about my ex and how all i want is for him to hold me in his arms and make me feel loved

have been on phone most of day trying to sort my mum out. my gran gave me a guilt trip ealier, spoke to the alcohol advisory who was really kind and told me procedures for mum and faxed me through info and i was meant to pick her up from hosp when i finished work

at 5 got a phone call saying she had discharged herself and was getting a bus back to my cousins.

picked up my bro and went round and asked her if the hosp had given her any tablets. she said yes but didnt know what they were for and that she had to go back in the morn to get the rest as she didnt wanna be hanging around there earlier.

i checked the bottle and it didnt say what they were for so phoned the hospital who told me the rest of the tablets wre ready and they wre waiting for her to come and collect them as they are for the alcohol withdrawal symptoms. i went and picked them all up and the nurse told me how clever and manipulative my mum was.

got back to cousins and we sat down and discussed what tablets she needed to take and when and that she needed to really seriously consider cancelling australia and get herself into a rehab programme and that she should really tell her close friends how serious her problem is . she went off on one at me and said to stop lecturing her and telling her what to do.

i told her i didnt want her to get to oz and suddenly collapse again in a country where she doesnt know anyone apart from another drunk and stuff

my cousn, her bloke and my bro just sat there and said nothing. i was livid. im the one made to feel bad, have been running around after her trying to see what we can get done for her and feel drained by it all.

nothing i do in any of my life seems good enough . i cant stop thinking about my ex who i miss so much. id love to be laying in his arms and just be with him again. i want someone to care about me instead of me giving the whole time, everyone taking but it still not being good enough for anyone

sorry this is so long, im just a mess again tonight

just found out my nans been taken into hosp this morn so i will need to go up there after work. will all this stuff ever end?! im so tired of it all

the hosp released my nan before they should have and she ended up being taken back in today. i was out sat night where my ex said he might pop into so i spent all night watching the door but no sign of him. so went home drained by it all as all week i had been hoping to see him.

ended up crying myself to sleep. then took my dog to vets tonight just for his annual booster and got told his lymph nodes wre v big and that chances are they were cancerous (he had to have his testicles removed 3 months ago as there was a tumour) and basically she has said that if it is cancer which seems pretty likely then he may only have 6-8 months left.

i have had him since he was a puppy and although this sounds silly, he is like my best friend. he was there when my parents split up, when i was growing up through my teens, through ups and downs and being the only thing around when no one else gives a shit.

as terrible as this sounds alot of the times when ive thought about ending it he is the one thing that has stopped me as iwouldnt want him to be on his own as he is not as close to my dad and bro. if anything happens to him i truly will be on my own.

i know other people have worse things happening but it really just seems to be one thing after the other at mo -

having another bad day. christmas was crap and i feel so alone, went to docs yest and got told i have tonsilitis. about the 5 or 6th time this year so hes referring me to have them out.

everyone is out tonight except me, i feel crap anyway but i couldnt stand the thought of being around couples at midnight knowing the man i still love isnt with me.

ive been keeping a diary but i feel so empty. havent stopped crying all day today. part of me thought that when i have my tonsils out they might give me too much anesthetic. it really would be the easiest way out for me and everyone. such a terrible thing but i know im not strong enough to do it myself

So sorry you're having a crap time, sm. I don't have any words of wisdom, I'm afraid, but I just wanted you to know there was someone out there.

Tonsilitis is awful, I had it earlier this year. It can be a sign of being very run down, I know it was with me.

thanks. i just cant stop crying .i feel so stupid . all christmas ive been thinking about my ex and thinking this time last year we were doing this or that and last NYE we spent together and stuff.

i really dont wanna be here anymore. im too scared to do anything about it though.i feel bad for putting my probs on here which is why i started a diary but even wrting in that hasnt helped today

I really think you need to go and see the dr when they open after NY, even if it's just for someone to sit and talk/cry to. Have you thought about ADs?

Someone mentioned Al-Anon earlier in the thread, that might be a good idea too. And don't forget that the Samaritans are there all through NY if you really need to talk to someone tonight.

Does your brother know how you feel (haven't read whole thread, so sorry if you've talked about him already)

he's being a complete twat at the mo so am trying to avoid him. i thought i was getting better .im not sure if it is just that im run down and ill again that im feeling like this.

i think i will go back to docs if i carry on like this. thanks for listening to me.

think im gonna go to bed and try and sleep through the rest of 2005.

thanks again for listening, it means alot. happy new year to you
x

Happy New Year to you too. I hope you find peace and happiness in 2006. xx