not sure what to do now. is anything worth it?

[sweetmonkey]

i have been on here for a while now and as i explained yest on the bankruptcy thread, i was given this site by a woman i know who knew i was having trouble with my abusive alcoholic mother

basically im 23 live with my dad and bro, my dad has always favoured my bro, he is 19 but they got back from a holiday in jamaica yest (paid for by my dad) , they go to all chelsea games, my dad gives my bro money for lunch each day even though he works full time , buys all his food, dinners takeaways etc, al lhis deodrant , gel etc etc

i got into debt when i was with my ex and am paying back about £255 a month on it, which will be for the next 5 years. i have no savings and so moving out is gonna be virtually impossible

to top it all off the man ive been going out with for just over a year told me last night that he needed time alone to sort his life out. he is 49 and ive known him for years. we have been seeing each other on and off for nearly 2 but properly got it together last November.

I love him so much and he says he loves me and that once he feels better about himself theres a chance we could get back together again. im just not so sure

i just dont know what to do really. i feel sick, have been awake all night thinking, find it v difficult not to cry and ive only reently started a new job which i have my 3 month assessment in a couple of weeks so i need to try and be cheery so they dont decide im not good enough and get rid of me

my man was the one person who knew everything about me but now i feel empty. i know i need to give it time but i dont actually have anything to be around for anymore.

my das is obv quite content with just my bro and my mum is an alci who is going to australia indefinately in dec and i just feel totally alone

sorry this is so long. i know nobody can help.just needed to put it all down somewhere

well ive been awake since six and had the awful thing of having a dream we were together and that i was just going off to meet him and then i woke up. and just for that split second i had hope

saw my friend last night who spent whole eveing bitching about her bloke and kept telling me to do the same. i couldnt though as i dont hate him and dont feel angry towards him. apart from the pain hes putting me through

im gonna try and eat something today as i kept losing my balance yest and it was quite scary, not gonna drive either.

just wanted to put this on here as somewhere to vent my feelings.i just hope all this gets easier

sm...this may not seem helpful atm,but you are so young and have so much ahead of you.
I am 38 and had no idea at 23 that I would be doing the things I'm doing now. I'm happy to say that I am very happy.

Also a 49 year old bf is pretty old. Can you imagine yourself at 43 with a bolke of nearly 70???
There really are so many more men out there. It makes no sense at all to tie yourself to one so soon.

Enjoy your freedom. I know it doesn't sound like freedom to you know,but happy as I am,I can't imagine how lovely it must be to be answerable to nobody and responsible for noone.

I don't think getting drunk would help now.
Be kind to yourself.
A swim and a sauna and a good book always cheer me up a great deal.

XX

moondog thank you for your kind words. the thing is i could see myself with him when i was older.

the thought of being alone scares the c*@p out of me if im honest

You won't be!

Gotta go-leaving for the UK.
Hope you have a tolerable w/end.

XXX

Hi sweetmonkey

just wondering how you're doing. How did Friday night go? hope it wasn't too hard.

sorry. Just read the thread properly. Sounds like a crummy evening

Good idea to eat something. Are you getting out this weekend?

hi had my mate over yest although when she got home fri her bloke decided he wanted to give them another go so shes gone back to playing happy families.

managed a little bit of soup yest but still have absolutely no appetite, which for me is a bit worrying.

was awake early yest and then again at 6 this morning.keep having bad dreams and then when i do wake up i cant get back to sleep coz all i think of is him.

just feel so drained by everything

It's good that you managed to have something to eat. Loss of appetite is, I understand, a common symptom of depression .... I am just coming through 9 months of post natal depression which is how I know.

I found the NHS really helpful, my midwife first spotted that something wasn't right and sent me to my GP, he referred me to community mental health and now I have my own psychiatrist, who is great.

Sorry that your friend is not that supportive, it sounds like she has problems of her own. Don't forget we are here for you and if you want to get shot of me then you can always tell me to vamoose(?) and/or start a whole new thread!

I will tell you more if you want to know but please consider seeing your GP. He/She won't mind if you're in a state....they are used to it.

thank you for your words. i know that my friend has her own problems but i feel its ok for me to be there for her and help her yet now she is sorted i dont really matter.

just wish i felt important to someone. anyone.

havent eaten today. dont feel like it

i would like to talk to someone its just ive only recently started a new job and so cannot get time off work.

even then they arent going to be able to change my situation at all

are you better now? how long before you could feel yourself getting better?

Good to hear from you. It sounds like you are feeling used and I wonder whether your friend knows how her actions are being interpretted.
Why not give her a chance to show she cares by telling her that you are feeling down and need to talk. You sound like a very strong person who is not used to asking for help and this, combined with your current state of mind is making it even harder for you to get the help you need.
I still have good days and bad weeks but things are gradually improving and I can now look back and say that things aren't as bad as they used to be. I can't say how long it would have taken to get this far without the help that I have had.....get my drift?
This whole experience will make you stronger and wiser in the end and you will become a source of help and comfort to others because you have really been there.

didnt even hear from her yest.now that she has sorted stuff im obv not as important

still havent eaten and was awake at 5 this morn

was walking the dog at 6, just to take my mind off stuff.

i text ex this morn asking how he is and if i can pop over tonight to pick up rest of my stuff. just need closure on it all

havent heard anything yet so now im panicking something may have happened to him.

just worse coz he was my best friend too.i would talk to him about everything.and at the mo i cant

You have to tell your mate that you need her....that's how she finds out.

It's a good idea to get out with dog this am... good on ya!

I hope you are drinking plenty of water.....

You certainly need to find out from your ex what is going on and a proper explanation for why he can't sort his life out with you in the picture.

Having said that, I'm not sure that you are going to get the best result by going round before he is ready. You are right, you need closure, but you also need to warn him that you want to have that conversation so that you can both be prepared. On the other hand, there is nothing wrong with going round to collect your stuff if that is ALL you are going to do. (i'm not sure that I would be able to do it and exchange pleasantaries, without prodding ex for info, in your situation)

Thinking of you.

PS have you made a doctor's appointment yet?

my mate just sent me a long email telling me about her work and venting about her manager and work mate bitching about her. so prob not best time to talk to her

i dont have the energy to really even talk to ex now. i just want to get my stuff and be done with it.

i didnt text him all weekend which was hard but i managed. at least if i have my things i can leave him to it then .

he hasnt replied to my message so part of me thinks is he ok, has he been hurt, is he with someone else, does he just not know what he wants etc etc

will go round docs 1st thing wed morn if i still havent eaten

thank you so much for your help and support. youve been marvellous!!!! it is appreciated more than you could ever know

x x

he just replied...............

an we leave it til later in week? x

i said i guess and was he ok

he said

fine ta love, you?

just like his old normal texts. grrrrrrrrrrr

bloody mind games

Thanks sweetmonkey...feeling all warm and fuzzy now!

Don't forget to keep us posted!

thanks will do. just not sure what to think at mo. whether he was just being friendly or wants to stall as he is not sure what he wants

dont wanna push him though

he just sent me a message sayiong he still wasnt feeling better snd stuff

i asked if he thought we could make a go of it again

and he said hes not sure, but def not at mo and that hes not sure if its his age but it just seems a bit pointless

i guess that answers my query then

not what you wanted to hear!

no def not. not really sure what to do with anything now.

gonna go round and get my stuff prob wed or thurs .

just wanna go to sleep and not wake up. how terrible is that.

not terrible....natural, bearing in mind that you are suffering at the moment. And when you do wake up we will all still be here. ;)

xxx

Sweetmonkey, when I lived at home my life was pretty hell too. My mother was and still is a manic depressive, if I troubled her about anything she would get ill and that would be my fault. She fostered children and took on a young girl under her wing the same age as me, but I hardly got any attention. I craved her love so much, I would write letters to Newspaper Agony Aunts asking them to deliver a bunch of flowers to my mum for being the best, I just wanted to be noticed by her! I got bullied at school, I never had new clothes and never went to the hairdressers, she had the money but thought it would be wasted spending it on us.

My stepfather was also a very nasty man. He mentally abused me, he would live as if I was not there. He would scowl at me and talk to me like I was a piece of dog shit.

When I failed my GCSE's I got various jobs, none of which I did very well at because I thought I was crap. I had to give my mum some of my £30 a week wages for rent (half if I remember), yet if I so much as dared to try and make myself a sandwich, HE would sneer at me and tell me that I was using too much butter, that I was dropping crumbs, that I shouldn't be eating at that time, etc. I became very very thin.

My mum spent half her time feeling sorry for herself and the other half telling everyone how wonderful she was, a pillar of the community and all that. She never noticed me at all.

I had one friend in the whole world, without her I'm not sure what would have happened.

It stopped when I left home and discovered that actually, I was a likeable person. Men even started to chat me up! I found some really good friends, I was 24 when I did this. My confidence was boosted. I realised that I could never go home again. I haven't looked back since.

Just look at how many responses you have got on here from people who don't even know you!

I know things look very bleak now. But see your local CAB about your debts. Go out and start living a little. Find yourself some good friends who make you feel good about yourself. Put yourself on the waiting list at your local Housing Assocation. The GP can refer you to a counsellor, you can have relaxation sessions too, or just someone to talk to. I hope you realise soon just what a worthwhile person you are. Your time will come, nothing remains constant.

That was lovely Rhubarb and I hope you feel better soon SweetMonkey, sad to read this, wish there was something I could do or say to make you feel better.

thanks for all your kind words.was awake at 5.30 again today. keep having dreams still that we are together so when i wake up im hopeful, but then i realise the truth.

still havent eaten and am not even hungry.

think im just gonna have to give myself time and as much as i hate being alone will have to get used to it. not looking forward to christmas as we were gonna go away and stuff.now im just going to be at home thinking about him.plus i have all his presents so will have to try and see what i can do with them. teach me to buy early.

thanks again for all your advice and kindness. i just am so grateful and feel there are some nice people left in this world.

take care

Sweetmonkey, all I can say to you is that perhaps you went out with this guy because he represented a father figure to you? When I was 17 I went out briefly with a 30 year old who, in his mannerisms and personality, seemed much older. Luckily for me he was a decent chap and although he could have taken advantage of me, he didn't. However I became obsessed with him, I longed for him, even though he wasn't remotely attractive! Looking back I can see why I was attracted to him and I consider myself to have had a lucky escape.

You need to go out with your friends and make some new ones. Get chatting to people your own age. Find yourself things to do so that you are not sitting in your room every evening. Make male and female friends, because true relationships usually happen with a friendship first.

As for Christmas, how about volunteering to do some charity work? Your local homeless hospice would be glad of the help. It gets you out of the house and boosts your spirits by actually helping others, that way you feel that you are doing something worthwhile.

I know it's very easy to listen to all this advice and think "yeah but I'm too tired, I just want to sleep, they don't understand, etc" I've been there remember. Changes don't come to you, you have to go out and look for them. You won't feel like it, you won't want to talk to anyone, you'll want to wrap yourself up in protective self-sympathy, but this only leads to destruction. You have to force yourself to take action. Easier said than done. But I would not be here now if I had just laid down and taken it all, I'd still be in the gutter no doubt. So get up, dust yourself down, and go find yourself!

If it helps, see it as an act of revenge on your family for treating you in this way; Show them that you are somebody and you're not just going to lie down and be ignored. Anger got me out of bed, anger still fuels things that I do, but I use it positively to make changes in my life. So get angry!