My anxiety is back and I hate myself totally!

[RockLover]

It's come back after I had 9 months of pregnancy nausea with my DS who is 9 weeks old. I am becoming agoraphobic and I am crying alot about being a crap mum and partner to my DP.

What's more, I am supposed to be driving nearly 200 miles with my DD and DS on my own to see my parents, I am terrified! I moved away from where my parents live last year and now I feel guilty that i am struggling to get their grandchildren to see them. They have offered to come and get DD, but they did this when I was pregnant and I feel it would be a failure to rely on them again. I'm 36 FGS, why can't I be normal??

I'm sat here crying and loathing myself. :(

You are normal. You have just had a baby and you are being too hard on yourself. Get your parents to come to you and see the baby they won't expect you to visit them. Do you know my youngest is a year old and I don't think I would be able to drive 200 hundred miles. Because you are feeling anxious at the prospect doesn't mean that you are failing, it means you are normal.

I can relate to a lot of the emotions that you are going through now. Sometimes the thought of going to the supermarket is an issue for me I just want to make myself invisible to the outside world.

It does sound like you may have PND do you think you could see your doctor for advice?

I am pretty sure I do have PND brought on by the anxiety and the fact that my IBS is pretty bad at the moment. I haven't got a spare bedroom for my parents to stay in and I have to get DD up to their place so that she can go and visit her Dad the following week. I am just letting everyone down and I feel like an utter failure.

My anxiety makes me feel permenantly sick and this causes major problems as I am emetophobic. Thai, I also struggle just to get to the supermarket sometimes, I am just so scared of everything and nothing seems real, it's like I am in a twilight zone.

I live in a beautiful part of the country and I was so full of plans when i moved here, to take DD out as much as possible and here I am, a prisoner in my own home virtually. I have a Dr's appt for next week, but how the hell am I going to get up to my parents? The panic and tears just won't stop! It doesn't help that DD, DS and I all have a cold, DS is very grizzly and crying alot, so making me feel more upset.

Rocklover you need to stop beating the cr*p out of yourself. 9 weeks!!!! If you don't want to drive 200m with a 9 week old and other child on your own then don't. It's ok. It's a big job.

You are not failing yourself of anyone else.

Get some help for PND, start with your GP

Rocklover - as people are saying on here you have too high expectations of yourself. It does sound like it's PND and you must be sure to tell the GP your symptoms and het some meds to at least take the edge off it. You must also be sleep deprived to some extent with a 9 week old.

Look love you must not undertake this 200 miles in your condition - it is highly dangerous and is making you more and more anxious. I am sure your parents would not want you to make this drive in the state you are in and if you haven't already please tell them. They are your parents and I'm sure they love you and would not want you doinf something that was putting yourself and your children at risk. If you have no room for your parents to stay can they not stay at a nearby Travel Lodge or B & B.

You say you are 36 FGS - I am 67 and still trying to recover from a severe despressive episode last Easter - lots of fluctuations and when the "downs" come I feel alien to the rest of the human race and anything but normal. Depression is a deceitful illness and tell us thinks about ourselves that are not true.

There is a lot of support on these threads, so please please make up your mind you can't do this drive. You will get better and your baby is only 9 weeks - there will be years and years in the future that you can drive wherever you want to. Cut yourself some slack. Get some help from the GP and take one day at a time.
Sending you good wishes - you are normal you are just suffering from PND probably.

Thank you so much madmouse and nananina for your kinds words, you brought tears to my eyes all over again.

My parents cannot afford to pay for a B & B and I cannot afford to pay for them either, but you are right they wouldn't expect me to drive if I couldn't do it. However, they are both very disappointed in not seeing the kids, DD especially. My DD and I lived with them for 3 years after the breakdown of my marriage and my Dmum was VERY against me moving so far away because of their attachment to DD.

They haven't seen her much recently because of me having DS and my mum being very poorly with post viral fatigue and IBS. Also DD's Dad lives in London, so I have to get her to him, he has made it clear that as I moved it is my responsibility to do the travelling. And to be fair he came down himself last month to see DD as I couldn't drive after the c-section.

I don't regret moving here to be with my DP, but I have made everyone's life so difficult and now I am letting them all down by having this stupid anxiety again. I HAVE to be stronger than this. :(

can you afford the train fare for one of your parents to come and collect your DD and take her back
You should stop being hard on yourself - only 9 weeks - 2 small children and a 200 mile car journey do not fit well - look after yourself and take it easily - it is likely the stress of this journey has made you ill

My parents work, so as a SAHM, I need to go up with her if she stays the week. Plus her Dad wants her on the following Monday (he is abroad until the day before) so I have to be available to drop her off. Both my parents are having problems at work and cannot take any more time off.

It is a really crap situation.

Dear RL - I know exactly how you feel when you say you are scared of everything, nothing seems real and feeling you are in a twilight zone. I know those feeling so well and you are describing depression, most probably PND. You are talking of this stupid anxiety and saying you must be strong. I'm sorry Rock but it doesn't work like that. If you had a broken leg you wouldn't be saying this stupid fracture or "I must be strong enough to walk/drive in spite of the plaster cast.

Depression is an illness and you can't be strong when you have it, any more than you can do a hill climb with a plaster cast on your leg. I think you have to start believing this. You will get help from the GP and you will recover BUT you have untreated depression at the moment. The meds will take 2- 4 weeks to kick in and it can take several months to completely recover, though everyone is different.

SO you need to talk to your parents and explain your situation. I thought you said in one post that they had offered to fetch DD - were they thinking of having some holiday leave from their jobs. Incidentally a travel lodge is only about £35 for the double room for one night, but as it's Easter it might be more.

As for your DDs father - well the same applies. You are ill and cannot make the drive. You will have to tell him this and then the ball's in his court. He can presumably come and collect DD or not see her.

Is your DP supportive of your predicament and the distinct possibility of you having PND - how were you after your daughter by the way. What would your DP think of you driving so far when you are feeling that "nothing seems real" you are scared and having bouts of crying etc etc. Surely he would see how dangerous it would be for you to drive so far.

PLEASE stop blaming yourself Rock. I know how that feels too cus I keep blaming myself and saying "sorry" to my DP and friends. It's a symptom of the illness and even when we know this, it doesn't stop us feeling to blame. This of course just makes everything worse. I was in tears on Friday night because I couldn't find my car outside Sainsburys and I used to hold down a very high powered job............so this illness is horrid and cruel. BUT you must believe that you will get better, and will be your old self again, but it's a long recover with "ups and downs" so you have to be a bit patient with yourself.

Take care and look after yourself as well as you can.

DP does not want me to go, the whole reason I'm going up there is so DD can see my parents really (she is looking forward to it). With my exH I could just pop up to Reading on the train and he would meet me there, so that would be lot easier.

It's too long to get into here, but my mum and dad have a very close relationship (bordering on obsessional, like she is their child) due to us living with them for 3 years when I was broke after my marriage breakdown. And they get very upset about not seeing DD as often as they used to. My Mum used every emotional blackmail trick in the book to stop me from moving and as a result we have a styrained relationship.

I had a mental breakdown (anxiety, panic attacks and a touch of depression) when I was living with my parents over about a 2 year period and they helped very much with DD's care (she was 3/4 at the time) and I was very grateful, but ultimately it's the reason why they are so close to DD. I took Citalopram for about 6 months and it worked really well and I wasn't scared of anything, was fine travelling and lived a very full life.

I didn't have any mental health problems at all after having my DD and I coped really well (was a lone parent virtually as exH was detached from me as our relationship broke down). I probably should mention that I have a massive guilt complex brought on by my marriage and by my Mum if I'm honest and I feel everything is my fault.

DD really wants to go up to my parents tomorrow, but my DS is a screaming nightmare because of his cold and I have the cold too and feel pretty poorly. Everyone will be so disappointed if I can't make it. :(

Rock - at least you know citalopram works for you, so why not try it again - if it's worked in the past it is almost certain to work this time.

Maybe you need to have some counselling about your massive guilt complex about your marriage and your mom, and how it's left you feeling everything is your fault.

As for the journey, you must decide what is best for you - would your DP be able to take some time off and drive for you. Whatever you decide, do take care and keep posting if it helps.

My DP can't drive, so can't help in that way. My poor DD is disppointed that we probably won't be going to see her grandparents, but she's being so sweet about it that it makes me feel worse.

I feel sick all the time which makes me panic, I am also beginning to panic at simple things like taking care of my DS. Right now I am completely terrified to call my Mum and tell her I am not capable of the journey, she will be so upset. Although yesterday she said that she didn't think I should come, but she said it in such a way that it didn't sound like she meant it.

This will be another way that she can justify her opinion that I shouldn't have moved so far away from them and she lso told me that my Dad will be devastated. I just can't cope with the guilt of ruining everyone's lives by moving in with DP (whom I love to pieces), although DD is blossoming here.

I don't know what to do. :(

By the way, thank you nananina for being so lovely and giving such good advice. It really is reassuring to speak to someone who understands.

Rocklover you are not responsible for everyone elses happiness. You have to work hard for the happiness of your children, but the adults need to make their own.

I think it is a sign of your PND that you feel alone with this huge problem and you are the one who has to solve it on your own. I live a sea crossing away from dad and stepmum. They would love to see ds more often but that doesn't mean I did something wrong by following dh over here! That's how life goes.

This is the time for other people to be a little bit flexible and do some thinking and problem solving with you, but that will only happen if you let them know that you are not coping on your own.

Thank you madmouse. My mum knows I am not coping and i spoke to her a minute ago to explain I couldn't come, she said it was ok and that she knew that her and dad were at the bottom of the pecking order .

She said that my DP should have moved up there rather than us down here (he doesn't have a career or very high paid job here), but I wanted to come down here and for that I am selfish I guess. She also said I made it hard for them with DD as I lived with them for so long and I understand that, I just wish she would let it go.

DD is a little upset that we're not going, but is being very lovely about it. I still think that I should try and go for her sake, but I start panicking the minute I think about getting in the car. I love my kids sooo much and I just feel like the crappest mum in the world. What if she hates me when she's older? :(

Well done Rock for phoning your mom - I think maybe her comment was just off the top of her head and she is naturally going to be disappointed. Does she know how poorly you are feeling - if not maybe you should tell her.

Your anxiety levels seem very high and I think it is the anxiety or panic (which is anxiety plus) that is making you feel sick, not the other way round. It is a very common symptom of anxiety. You really do need to see a GP asap to get some help with this depression and anxiety. Did you say you had an appt next week?

Now please listen to me Rock - you are not a crap mother - you are ill and so cannot handle things very well at the moment. As for your daughter hating you when she's older, this is so not true. You must believe that depression and anxiety makes us think things about ourselves (and what others think about us) that are not true. It plays many tricks on us and this is one of them. You sound like a very caring mom, and yes your DD will be disappointed but it's not the end of the world, she will see them when you are feeling well enough to drive, and surely they want to see their new grandson too.

Madmouse is absolutely right - you are not responsible for other people. Adults are responsible for themselves, though of course Anx/dep will be "telling" you all these things. You made a decision to move away and really I think your mom should be more understsanding. One of my sons and dil and gr/chrn moved to another country (not the other side of the world) but it involves a flight and I was really disappointed, mostly because I knew I wouldn't see so much of my grandchildren, but I hid it and said that they must do what is right for their family.

Try to get through the day hour by hour - you can look after your baby, but try and get a bit of time for yourself and lie down on the bed and do some deep breathing - slowly breath in to a count of about 5 and then let the breathe out - the outer breath must take longer, maybe to a count of 8. Don't worry about numbers, just make sure the outer breath is longer than the in breath. Put your hand on your "top tummy" and feel the rise and fall a you breathe in and out and this may help all sorts of other worries come into your head. I can still become anxious (when I am in a down time) at the phone ringing or the door bell going.

Be kind to yourself Rock - try not to feel so guilty about this move. You are glad to have done it and you have a loving partner and 2 lovely children and one day you will be better and you will look back on this time and maybe able to help others going through PND. But you need to start treatment sooner rather than later. Make a list of your symptoms if you feel you can't tell the GP - and don't think he/she will not understand you. They will have heard it all a hundred times before. Have you a HV who you could call for some support today?

Thinking of your, NNxx

Thanks again NN, I have calmed down a little now. I took DD to the park with DS asleep in his pushchair and we had a lovely time in the sun despite me feeling very scared when we set out, but I pushed through it and I feel pleased with myself. You're right about the nausea being a symptom, I had it 24/7 with my last bout of anxiety and lost 2 stone through barely eating.

My Mum has issues of her own (dysfunctional family and low self esteem) and this is one of the reasons she hates the fact I have moved away, she wants us to all be together which is understandable. But she is also quite controlling and likes to get her own way which I thnk is why she says mean things sometimes. I told her I would try and come down later in the week and then she could see DD until Monday when I drop her off with her Dad. Mum said not to bother as it's not a long enough period of time for her and Dad to see us. :(

I honestly believe that alot of my anxiety is linked to my mum and what she thinks of me. I hate to admit it, but I'm glad there is now a bit of distance between us (she was extremely horrible to me in the period before I moved to be with my DP and I am ashamed to say that I snapped back at her quite alot). I will always be grateful that she helped and supported me throughout my last period of anxiety, but I really think that i need to cut the apron strings and be my own person.

As DP said the other day, he wants us to spend more time as a family, not me always having to spend school holidays taking DD to see my parents before dropping her off with her Dad. I don't often have her at home during the holidays and it is nothing but stress. I went to see my Mum when DS was 2 weeks old (Dad drove us as I had a c-section) and the whole time there was miserable because DS was a new baby and I was still in pain and sleep deprived. I went because mum was too ill to come to me and at no time did I give her a guilt trip about not coming down to see DS.

Anyway I am rambling now, sorry. I really think I need counselling to unravel my reloationship with my Mum before I can move on from this anxiety.

Hi Rock - so glad you managed to get out this afternoon, very brave of you to go when feeling scared, but I know what you mean, sometimes on my down days I too can "push myself through" though sometimes not! You mention your last bout of anxiety - when was this - was it to do with the breakdown of your marriage and did you have any meds?

It does sound like your anxiety is tied up with your mom who as you say has issues of her own. That is something that can't be changed but I think you are damned if you do and damned if you don't as she refused your offer of trying to get down later in the week, and I think whether she is doing it consciously or not she is trying to load the guilt on you.

Ok so she helped you over a very difficult time but that doesn't mean that she has some kind of "hold" over you and your DD. As your DP says you are a family and need to be spending time together, especially in the school holidays. Obviously you will want your parents to see their gr/chrn from time to time but your family must come first.

Have you got a GP appt Rock - if not I really think you should make one to get some help with your anxiety and it also sounds like PND doesn't it - anxiety and depression go hand in hand and it's not really possible to separate one from the other is it. So an AD would probably help with the anxiety too.

Yes you certainly need some good therapy to unravel the difficulties between you and your mom and may be you will be helped to see things more clearly when they are out in the open. Trouble is therapy is very expensive and the NHS have long waiting lists and then it's usually CBT which doesn't deal with the underlying issues that may be causing the problem.

I am still worrying in case I have a run of "down days" over Easter when I have the rare opportunity of all my family and gr/chrn together. I so want to enjoy seeing them all together. One of my sons and dil and gr/dght live quite near but the others are in another country so don't get over here very often.

Keep in touch Rock ............keep on keeping on ......it's all we can do really isn't it. Take good care NN x

Sorry I didn't answer sooner, I decided to make a dash up to my parents on Tuesday evening as I was feeling ok. I wasn't too anxious on the journey, but poor old DS screamed for about half the journey so that was rather stressful, but we're here now.

I suffered with severe generalised anxiety from mid 2008 to the very beginning of 2010, it was at it's worst in 2009, that was a horrendous year and I was completely unable to work and often housebound. I felt sick all the time and stopped eating and then started suffering crippling panic attacks when on holiday in Florida in Nov 2008. I eventually started taking Citalopram in Spring 2009 after leaving a job after only 3 days after suffering a massive panic attack.

I stopped taking it at the end of 2009 and I felt really well and able to do anything (even having Norovirus in May didn't phase me). Then I fell pregnant in May 2010, a month before DD and I moved to be with DP, and I immediately got constant, severe pregnancy nausea which brought my anxiety back, although I worked through it and just about coped.

I have a GP appt booked for next Tuesday morning, so I hope DS behaves whilst I'm talking. I am going to find out about local counselling services as well, as I do need my negative thought pattern sorted out.

I really hope you do have a wonderful Easter, you sound like such a lovely person NN, especially as I know how hard it is to push through scary feelings on a day to day basis.

I'm struggling a bit at my parent's house. I'm hardly getting any sleep as DS's cold is keeping him awake alot and I obviously don't have DP here to help me out. Also after a couple of "good" days I have had an IBS attack this morning which has left me feeling sick, anxious and panicky. I have been using some Rescue Remedy and just taking deep breaths to re-set my thought patterns.

It doesn't help that my Mum is doing a big family meal today (my Dsis her DH and DS are coming over) of roast lamb, I don't feel like eating at the moment. I am also already worrying about the return drive home on Monday, I always do this, panic way in advance of an actual event. I just want to feel well and I never seem to at the moment. :(

Hope everyone else is having a good weekend.

Hang on in there rock - you shouldn't have gone, but you're there now, so try to keep the anxiety at bay, and keep doing your deep breathing. Not surprising that you are struggling with baby not sleeping and your DP not there to help. Don't worry about not being able to eat, just eat a bit and leave it at that. I totally understand the panic before an event - I am just the same........it gets worse and worse till the actual event and I usually manage better than I'd thought . Take your time on the journey back, but if you really don't feel up to driving back, don't do it, because it will be dangerous.

I am ok this weekend but getting really anxious about my son, dil, grch coming over Easter (they live in another country - not other side of world but involves a flight or ferry) and we usually visit them. MY other son and dil and gr/chrn (who live quite near) are also coming of course and I am longing to see them but I am really really anxious as I am ok at the moment and I'm scared it won't last and I will be crap when they come.

Oh god I never thought this would happen to me, it's a real sod isn't it.

Take care rock and manage the best way you can. Would it be an opportunity to tell you mom that you are really struggling at the moment.

Hi Rock - I'm a mum who's recovering from PND and I know how you're feeling. It's a very difficult time, especially when you feel so vulnerable and have two little ones to care for.

Firstly, you're doing a great job as a mum - you sound like you care so much...in some ways this is part of your problem...you seem to put yourself last in the pecking order (ironic after what your mum said).

Mother-daughter relationships can be tricky and I'm not a novice in this area. It is so hard if you're a 'people pleaser' (as I am) to stand your ground when you're feeling so exhausted and you're at a low ebb...especially when the reaction you might get is even more upsetting.

The important thing here is the clarity you have re: this situation despite going through such a difficult time. You're aware of the dynamics and you know how things should be but it all seems a bit much and the power of emotional blackmail year on year takes a long time to unravel and challenge.

You don't owe your parents for looking after you when you were vulnerable and unwell -that's what parents do. Your own children and DP are the priority for you now, as hard as it is to stop being the 'child' in a relationship with such a difficult dynamic. I think you've hit the nail on the head when you say your mum's behaviour is a result of low self esteem and issues - this is often the case and is worth keeping in your mind when you're given the 'you've let me down' treatment.

Ok, so now it's all about you and your little ones, about re-building your confidence and your health and putting yourself first. It won't be easy and it will feel unnatural but once you start taking steps (no matter how wobbly) in the right direction you will feel stronger and much less of the frightened child that it's so easy to revert to in parent-child relationships. Look after yourself, you sound like a lovely person who deserves a break :)

Thanks NN and Natsyloo, I am feeling a bit better today, but Mum and I have already had a few cross words.

There is alot going on between us regarding my DP and the distance I live from my parents, my Mum just has to keep making an issue of things, then in the next moment she is a sweet as sweet can be. DP and I want to take the kids away for a week in Cornwall this summer if we can afford it, Mum keeps saying we should all go together, but I don't want to and I think my lack of enthusiasm has made the penny drop for her.

Natsy, you're right when you say that DP and my kids need to be my priority now, that's what I want to concentrate on, my own little family unit and I think I need a bit of distance from my parents to find out who I am again. My Mum is determined not to like my DP (and he doesn't really like her that much to be honest), although she'd never admit it and the worst thing is that he can't visit very often as I usually go to mum and dad's in the school holidays when he's working. But mum likes to believe it's because he doesn't want to visit with me, which is just not true.

Anyway, that's enough rambling about my family troubles, I am fretting a little about the drive home tomorrow, but I'll take it easy. I'm VERY grateful to my parents as they are giving my DD a lift back to Devon (after visiting her Dad) on the bank holiday Monday (they offered), so that I don't have to drive all the way back up here just for a day. I feel pretty guilty that they are doing it though and I do feel like a let down to them as I don't have a spare room for them to stay in.

I'm sorry you're feeling anxious NN, but I'm sure things will work out fine, have you got somewhere to escape to if you get overwhelmed? I know how stressful it can be when you have family visiting.

Thanks again to you both for your advice and kind words, it's really helped me to look long and hard at my situation and my priorities.

You have to start treating yourself as you would a much loved friend. Be your own best friend. When you get home, talk honestly to your GP, you said ADs helped before, well, they will do again. I think you probably have PND, but the GP will confirm this, and put you on a course of ADs to help. You mustn't be hard on yourself, you say you feel like a "let down". You are not, you're a new mum, with a bunch of raging hormones. Focus on yourself and your immediate family. Take care X

Thanks Saffy. I am sat here panicking madly, upset stomach and nauseaus all because I have to drive home in a couple of hours. It doesn't help that my body decided to give me my first period since DS was born in Feb and it's really, really heavy which has probably caused the stomach problems.

I really want to get home to my flat and see DP, but I just don't know how I'm going to do it. I hate feeling like this and being so weak!!!

Are you now safely home Rock - and are you less anxious now you are back home with DP. It's not a good idea to do anything that is an ordeal, when you are feeling depressed and anxious, especially when it's just to please other people. Sorry if I've missed it, but have you been to the GP yet to get some help with what you suspect is PND. If not, you need to do so as a matter of urgency.

Take care - NNx