My anxiety is back and I hate myself totally!

[RockLover]

It's come back after I had 9 months of pregnancy nausea with my DS who is 9 weeks old. I am becoming agoraphobic and I am crying alot about being a crap mum and partner to my DP.

What's more, I am supposed to be driving nearly 200 miles with my DD and DS on my own to see my parents, I am terrified! I moved away from where my parents live last year and now I feel guilty that i am struggling to get their grandchildren to see them. They have offered to come and get DD, but they did this when I was pregnant and I feel it would be a failure to rely on them again. I'm 36 FGS, why can't I be normal??

I'm sat here crying and loathing myself. :(

Yes I am back home safely, drove yesterday afternoon with DS and the journey was ok. I did have a GP appt this morning, but I had to reschedule it with someone else as I realised the dr it was with was someone who I don't feel very comfortable with.

Unfortunately I couldn't get another appt until the 3rd of May, but I don't have any major "ordeals" to go through before then, so I should be able to hang on. I know I should have gone to my appt today, but I didn't see the point of going in to pour my heart out to someone who wouldn't respond very well (have seen this dr a number of times and he is not very talkative and doesn't smile much, I don't know why I didn't realise it was him earlier).

I still feel quite anxious today, but this time I don't know why, maybe just because I had such a bad day yesterday. It doesn't help that my tooth is playing up (have an appt in 2 weeks for that too) which makes me worry as I am imagining all sorts of hideous dental treatment they'll need to do, yet the pain isn't that bad, just a little discomfort. I just seem to be panicking and overthinking about everything at the moment.

I have that weird "twilight zone" feeling today, like everything isn't real (de-realisation I think it's called) and I just wish I wasn't on my own today as i need someone to distract me I think. I don't really have any friends here yet as I only moved last June and spent the time pregnant and feeling too sick to get out and meet people. I am hoping to get DS to some baby groups in the next month or two (he is just a bit too screamy at the moment for me to feel confident), and then meet some local mums.

Today I intend to go grocery shopping and take DS out for a walk in his pushchair as it's lovely and sunny here, I can't just stay in the house as that would be bad for me and a waste of a day. DD is at her dad's and I miss her terribly, although I am glad she is with him as she will be having lots of fun I'm sure. She was spoilt rotten by her grandparents last week, so I'm happy I made the journey to my parents for her sake. If she was here I don't know how much I would manage to do with her and I would probably have spent the whole week feeling guilty.

Anyway, I'm rambling, thanks so much for your concern NN, and also to the other ladies who took time to offer support to me on this thread, I really am very grateful.

Rock take something from this experience: You said earlier on that you hate being so 'weak' but you have jsut stepped over some major anxiety and fear to do something that you find really hard for the sake of your dd. That is a positive thing, an achievement. Please acknowledge it. It is very easy to say yes but it shouldn't be so hard but that is missing the point. You did it.

For what its worth - i think you are doing brilliantly. Good idea to have things planned for the day like shopping etc just to break it all up a little. You dont sound in the slightest bit 'weak' to me - far from it x

Aww, thanks so much. I have managed today without crying so far which is an achievement lol. I took DS to the drop in clinic to get weighed this morning, then did the shopping and after his feed this afternoon I'm going to take him for a walk through town. I would love to drive to the beach really as it's so sunny, but I'm just not quite brave enough on my own at the moment.

It's so annoying that I live in such a gorgeous part of the country and I am not able to make the most of it, there are loads of gorgeous beaches with 30 mins drive, I'm a stones throw from Dartmoor and less than 20 miles from Plymouth which would be lovely on a day like this. I really can't wait until I feel better so that I can get out there and do stuff!!

Glad you are back safely Rock and have managed to get out with the baby etc. Can I join you in a "twilight zone" day today - I too am overthinking everything. I feel flatt(ish) and a bit anxious. Have been sitting in the sum most of the day which has been nice, but now have to go to the shops. I am just hoping that this isn't the start of another blip (although they don't usually start like this - they usually come full on as soon as I wake) as big family gathering planned for Easter and will feel so so bad if I am in a blip when they are all here. Have told them all I am not cooking, take aways and fish and chips oh and some bruchettas I am making tonight, but still did a huge load of shopping in Sainsbury's yesterday, and more to do today.

Hi Kizzie and Madmouse.

Aww NN, it's not surprising you feel a bit "off" with all your family due to come and see you. It's a big event that you're putting pressure on yourself to be well for (I can so sympathise with that). I think the not cooking is a great idea, so as not to stress yourself out too much running around after everyone.

You should probably just have as relaxing an evening as you can tonight, watch some trashy tv, read a book, take a bath or whatever floats your boat. Just make sure that you put Easter out of your mind for a few hours at least so that you can try to reduce some of that anxiety.

I am going to try and chill out myself tonight and distract myself from worrying obsessively about my dodgy tooth (or what I perceive to be dodgy anyhow). However, before I can do anything I need to try and get DS to stop screaming the little tinker, this time of night he just won't settle for a few hours.

Thanks Rock - you are absolutely right - I am putting pressure on myself to be well for the Easter weekend and am worrying about all sorts of things, mostly that my sons or my gr/chdrn see me crying or anxious or so flat I can't smile. My DP is being lovely and says I will probably be better when they actually come, rather than worrying about it, and he might be right - hope so. Damn this bloody illness.

I am feeling a fair bit better tonight which is my usual pattern. I feel guilty saying I am so stressed when you have a young baby to get to sleep and I only have myself to worry over.

Take care Rock - will try to keep you updated, well what I really mean is will you hold my hand through the Easter weekend.

Oh sorry shouldn't have asked you that Rock - you have enough on your hands - was just feeling a bit vulnerable, but am going to try my best to get through as best I can and I might even manage to enjoy some of it. I feel ok now because I always do at this time of night. Hope you little boy has gone off to sleep, but at his age I'm sure he will still be waking in the night won't he. Take care - love NNx

Of course I will hold your hand NN, nothing better than a bit of mutual support now is there? :)

Had a pretty crap night with DS, he woke up at 1am and 5am and both times took ages to get back to sleep after his feed, I am knackered. And to add insult to injury I managed to have an upset tummy...twice during the times I got up to feed DS. As a consequence i will probably be staying in today as I don't want to take any anti diarrhoea tablets if I don't have to.

I'm hoping it's just because of my stupid period that my tummy is permanently upset at the moment. Also my bloody tooth keeps hurting, yet when I press it, it hardly hurts at all, so I think I must be making it worse by clenching my jaw when I'm asleep or something as some of my other teeth randomly hurt. Bloody pissed off that I can't get an earlier appt than May with my dentist unless it's an emergency, the waiting is making my anxiety worse!

I am feeling pretty tearful this morning for all the above reasons and the fact that my cold won't budge is just adding to it all, if I could just feel better physically I'm sure my mental health would improve no end.

Got a feeling this is going to be a moumentally crap day!

Hope things are going ok NanaNina and that you are having fun with your family today. x