Ashamed to tell my friends

[SteelTownGirl]

Hi everyone, please could someone help me? I suffer on and off from depression. I saw my doctor 2 weeks ago and he put me back on Sertraline. I don't feel it's properly kicked in yet but am being patient because it has worked for me in the past.

My problem is around telling people I'm unwell and not coping properly. I'm finding it hard to get going in a morning and am shying away from social events.

I have let two people down in three days - one, on Friday, a friend I was supposed to be meeting for lunch. There was a mix-up over day and time and I used that to get out of the arrangement. As there was a mix-up my friend probably didn't suspect anything was amiss.

Then yesterday I wriggled out of going to a football match where another friend was expecting to see me. I let my DS go in my place and asked DH to tell the friend I was under the weather. I know that this friend has no truck with taking ADs - she told me this a while ago - so I am uncomfortable.

In both cases I feel guilty for letting them down and not giving a proper reason, yet I am nervous about calling them to explain.

On the face of it I have everything going for me and think people will think "her, of all people, why on earth should she be depressed?"

I know there will be kindred spirits on this board; please would you share your thoughts...I feel like I should apologise for a)being such a misery and b) bothering you all with a trivial issue, but I've been feeling SO down all weekend

Thanks so much

Thanks BTP, I know you're right. I will call the first one as she's really kind and I'm sure she'll understand. The other I may see at another match on Tuesday, by which time I'm sure I deal with it.
I guess it's this "stigma" thing around depression, especially where, like me, you - to all outward appearances - have precious little to be depressed about

hi SteelTownGirl I found your thread . I know how you feel when you say about outward appearances and having nothing to be depressed about, but it IS an illness and I'm sure (from experience) that your friend will be more sympathetic than you thought.

This is self stigmatising. I do it myself. Depression is an illness. It is nothing to do with how your life is at the moment (though it can be triggered by life events).

It's OK to say you feel low for no apparent reason.

(I sound harsh but have had sorry.)

It's also OK to cut yourself some slack and not go out if you aren't up to it and not explain it afterwards if you don't want to.

Give yourself some time once your ad's have kicked in you will feel more like socialising. If they are true friends then they will support you when you are ill.

Steeltowngirl - I know exactly how you feel. I had a severe episode of depression last Easter and have still not made a complete recovery. I have weeks when I am fine and then I have a setback - I wake feeling flat, empty and miserable and anxious and have no interest in anything. The setbacks can last anything between 5 and 15 days and they are horrid.

I don't want to make arrangements because I never know how I am going to be and if I do, I have to say "so long as I am OK" and i will only do this with close friends who all know how ill I was. I was in a psychiatric ward for 3 months. I know what you mean about the stigma of depression - it is so sad that it is still around. I don't think the media help - people still think people who are mentally ill are mad.

Most of all I hate my sons (who are grown up with their own families) knowing when I am down and never want them to see me like this. They say they understand but I'm not sure they do. Luckily I have a supportive partner.

I think you should be honest and say you that are feeling depressed, otherwise you are going to be having to thinking of excuses and that in itself is anxiety provoking. The friend who has "no truck" with ADs - well she has never experienced the awfulness of depression - I would tell her that if she had, she might have a different view. Trouble is when we feel low we can't be assertive can we. I am ashamed for anyone (other than close friends) seeing me when I am in a state. Depression is a deceitful illness and makes us believe things about ourselves that aren't true.

Sending you good wishes and take care and be honest - if your friends don't understand that's their problem - not yours!

Thanks everyone for your kindness and support. Midnightservant, I didn't read your post as harsh at all, and the phrase "cut yourself some slack" is really helpful. NanaNina, if I'm honest I do have two or three friends to whom I quite easily could say I'll do something "if I'm okay" so thanks for that suggestion too. Yes I too feel ashamed if anyone sees me upset or "down". Like this morning, I just sat on the edge of my bed in my dressing gown unable to "get going" - my 17 yr old DS came in at 11am and cuddled up to me saying "you all right Mum?" which would have made me weepy but just at present I can't even seem to cry to relieve the tension.
My DH is very kind and long-suffering but I turned down his offer of a drive out in the sunshine. I just couldn't move till about 2pm.
I feel I've wasted a perfectly lovely day. Having read items on this board though I have felt better somehow for knowing I'm not alone in all this mish-mash of feelings. I've managed to eat my evening meal with the family and even laughed at the two DS's jokes.
I'm trying to be kind to myself. Apologies for rambling on but it helps to "talk".

Steeltowngirl, glad you are feeling a bit better.
I find sunny days can be so - heartless.

I think you should tell anyone you remotely feel you can or you will be more isolated. People will understand, but if you don't explain they might just think you are too busy or not interested in them. Give them a chance to care about you and check up on how you are. (easier said than done)

Since completing my CBT therapy, i have made a point of telling as many people as possible that I had OCD and suffer from mild depression. I am always surprised who comes back and says they have suffered similar problems, and that they are glad to talk to somebody in an uncritical and unembarrased way. If it were a broken leg....etc etc. Steel town, you could be me, I do find repeating 'this too shall pass' really does help, not with the depression itself, but with the upset about the depression IYSWIM.
I find it similar to talking about MC...once you start to talk, people are remarkably open, un-soppy and practical.

And you could be me, NAM as I have often used the "broken leg" analogy AND my mother and grandmother's favourite saying has always been "this too shall pass"!!
Thank you and vezzie.
Yes somehow I feel worse on a day like today, sun blazing down.
I stayed at home yesterday, letting DH and 2 DS go to the match without me, promisin my DH that I'd get some fresh air during the afternoon - but once they'd gone I just stayed in. I did iron and do some other little jobs but somehow couldn't face going out in our small village where I would be bound to bump into friends or neighbours.
Depression seems to change my character drastically as "normally" I'm sociable and friendly.

I don't think the weather actually plans to be glorious when we a having a 'down' as I call them! It is just a coincidence, and really whatever happens outside yourself makes absolutely NO DIFFERENCE to what's happening inside your head. Counting your blessings, chocolate, sunny days, nothing has ANY effect on depression as they are all EXTERNAL. The only non-phameceutical thing that I have found that seems to work is moving to a town at the bottom of a steep hill and leaping up it at regular intervals. For some reason it seems to reduce the number of 'downs' and their severity.
Keep talking. It won't cure the depression, but it might help you to deal with the reality of it.

Re. the non-pharmaceutical thing, does that mean exercise, NAM? Because I know that really does work for me! I belong to a gym with lovely facilities including a pool, sauna etc etc - the problem is I can't motivate myself to go there. These conversations have kind of prompted me to maybe give the pool, if not the gym just yet, another try tomorrow.

Before this latest episode I had just got running on the treadmill and felt so proud of myself, able to do 6-8 minutes in one go. Then I got "down" again and have lost the will to exercise.

I think I will try to get those endorphins flowing tomorrow...

Hill has three benefits, exercise, yes, but also stunning views and sense of achievement. I think mainly the fresh air and exercise. I can't do it at all when i am down, but if I go lots when I feel OK, the downs are fewer and less severe. Agree with you that DURING a down, I can hardly leave the sofa, let alone go to a gym. I see my job then as getting through it, not killing myself and waiting for it to pass, anything else is gravy. Don't add guilt to your symptoms. Go when you feel better, don't beat yourself up when you already feel bad!

....and when YOU feel better and I feel down, come back and tell me the exact same thing, because I tend to forget.

Poncey, you are quite right. Choose friends who ADD to your life, rather than drain you to tell.
I too use a slightly unspecific 'not feeling too good' as an all purpose get out

You're both so right. I will call Friend A tomorrow because she is kind and sympathetic and will understand. Friend B is lovely but one of those "pull your socks up" kind so I will just turn up at football on Tuesday and deal with her then. Knowing me - agonizing about everything - she probably won't even remember!

Can I please mention something else? I have been looking at lots of threads on here tonight. One poster mentioned that she felt her depression stemmed possibly from not being in paid work, from not having a structured day. I am thinking I may be like that - too much time on my hands as it were.

I gave up a part-time job last summer - I was unhappy there for reasons to do with the organisation. I had a few months at home concentrating on the family and house. I was happy for a while then tried to get another part-time job and found it impossible, due I think to the economic downturn, the fact that we live "in the sticks" and dare I say, because I am over 50.

Now here I am a few months later, depressed again, with one or two well-meaning friends saying "What you need, STG, is a JOB"!!!

I don't know which way to turn. On one hand I am not under pressure economically to work, but I'm wondering if this lack of direction/reason to get up in a morning is contributing to my low mood?

Just thinking it through, aloud, as it were! Any thoughts/reactions?

IMO depression is not caused by anything external...jobs or otherwise (are you talking abou Nicebears' thread, I am there as well?)
Being fed up, or purposeless, or at a loose end, or needing a challenge is one thing, and very important as an area to tackle. We all need to feel useful.

However true depression is not caused by anything EXTERNAL. It is an internal problem. Nothing external can cure it, not even the most wonderful job, partner, lifestyle or children.

The two are separate and different problems and should be tackled as such.

Could you direct me to Nicebear's thread please?
It was actually a different one, but the poster wasn't working and felt she had no routine to her day, which was what drew me in.
Thank you for your thoughts on the subject, they're helpful.
It has been very soothing this evening, sharing thoughts and ideas on this subject and I intend to come back tomorrow.

In chat, titled 'i need some life rules'. Sorry, i don't know how to do that linky thngy.
I am going to sleep now, but PM me if you need some support, i wake up LOTs during the night and will check in tomorrow morning. Night night

Thanks so much; am off to bed myself now; good night to you! x

Hi SteelTownGirl - glad that you got some comfort from reading everyones posts here. Its a very supportive board and we all need 'handholding' at different times.
Hope today ok for you x

STG, just checking in to see how you are today. Xx

Hello everyone, thanks so much for all your kind words, and sorry for the silence.
It helped me so much to share my thoughts with you the other day.
I am actually feeling a bit brighter. I'm sure as we all know these feelings can come and go but I'm holding on, head above water...
I'm seeing the friend tonight who doesn't hold with ADs as the answer; but they form part of the answer for me, and I feel stronger today and more able to defend myself...not that I should have to.
Texted he other friend and am about to call her now for a chat...
Hope you are all doing okay today and sending my love!
STG

Hi STG glad you feel a bit better today.
Its a very difficult subject to broach. I find it hard to mention to anyone , especially if they have no MH issues, and even if they do i still just dont want to. I wish there wasnt such a stigma to it. Or maybe i just feel that there is ?
My friend who i know would be supportive ( and i think she already knows , she couldnt not really) ive still not really come out and said in so many words but i know she had family members who have been seriously ill with MH issues but i still dont want to say anything. Like i dont want people to see me differently or know about the ADs. Hmm. its quite sad really.
Let us know how it goes with your friend.