Finally admitted it.

[KnickersOnOnesHead]

I went to the Doctors this morning for the implanon removing. The nurse was running late so the gp asked if I wanted to chat about anything else.

Next thing I knew, I had burst in to tears telling him how I've been feeling for years :(

He's put me on Mirtazapine.

Haven't stopped crying since.

This has been a really big step for me but I could not carry on like this anymore.

I've lost too many friends due to being depressed. Pushing people away and telling myself things and reasons why they don't want to know me.

Ononeshead - am I right in thinking you started the meds on 7th April - if so that is only 19 days and they sometimes take up to a month to start to take effect. What is happening is that you are feeling the side effects (sleeping) before the beneficial effects. You must give them longer. If by the end of 4 weeks, you are not feeling any better, you need to go back to GP and maybe get the dose increased or the meds changed.

So so sorry you are feeling so bad - I do understand as I have suffered 2 major episodes of depression (last one last Easter) and only partially recovered (manys ups and downs) I understand completely why you just want to cry - don't stop yourself, sometimes it can release a bit of tension. Can't tel you how many tears I have shed in last year. Don't worry about the state of the house - that can wait. Depression makes us unmotivated to do anything.

Keep posting as there is lots of support on the MH thread and it has got me through many a dark hour.

Pixie - why are your posts being withdrawn. If you are the same pixie who posts on Snowmash's thread (which I follow but don't post) you are very supportive and caring.

hi knickers (are you being posh in time for the wedding???) sorry you have been feeling so bad for so long

I've been on mirtazapine and at a lowish dose they do have a sedative effect (apparently it's sometimes given as a pre med). I always feel worse if i haven't been sleeping so hopefully you will start feeling better soon!

I've gone (back) on meds as of tomorrow too

did you go back to the dr? - maybe you need to up the dose a bit (higher dose isn't so much of a sedative)

oh and tax credits fuck everyone about - don't take it personally

Wow, 19 days? Really?

I know I need to give them longer, just had a really really crap day.

Have to make an appt for next Thursday as I run out then anyway.

Lol, I know BM, but they are so bloody patronising, telling me I should budget better!

I've been back to the gp. Came off meds as I couldn't cope with the hungover feeling.

Havent slept in weeks, falling asleep at past 6am, back up at half 7 with kids. She's put me on Citalopram.

Filled the questionare out again, I feel worse now than when I admitted it in the first place.

Just want to sleep. and a cuddle :(

I have heard good things, anecdotally, about Citalopram. The hard thing is 'sticking at it' long enough to make it work!

I have been on Fluoxetine for about 6 weeks and while I am not magically cured, I do feel a lot less down and much more able to cope day to day with things. I have done the uncontrollably snappy thing too - with much shrieking if I remember rightly

It sounds to me like you have hit rock bottom (sorry I know it sounds like a cliche) and it's brilliant that you have admitted how shit you are feeling (I know it doesn't feel at all 'brilliant') and now you can get the help you need. The bad news is that it can take some time, to get the right meds, see a therapist, waiting on the waiting lists for appointments and all that shizzle.

I've realised so many things about myself (good things) and changed my life in so many little positive ways that I think now I would be feeling worse if I hadn't had a breakdown 8 months ago.

Anyway enough of my twittering, I'm usually about everyday if you want to pm me / chat / natter endlessly

I'm ringing up tomorrow for an appt again. Should not of stopped taking the meds. I had convinced myself I didn't need them. I do, I know I do.

The uncontrollable crying is still going on. I'm taking every little thing the wrong way. Kids have noticed, and commented upon me crying and being sad all the same. Which makes me cry all the more.

Posted on here as no-one to talk to. Dp (who was exp last time I was on this thread) won't see me as 'being depressed'. He just sees me as being miserable so cannot even talk to him about how I feel.

Knickers just found this.Sorry you are feeling like shit.Do pm if you want or email.I know you have address.keep your chin up,im sure Doc will help somehow.

Oh knickers sorry to hear that!

I know it's hard but keep going back to your gp until you get this sorted.

No-one should have to live their lives feeling the way you feel. And remember it aint your fault, it just is what it is - you got ill, if you could control then you would!

I think every mother who has suffered with depression will have been tearful and shouty around their kids - I know I was with dd, really bad, swearing, the lot (not like me at all) but I did get better with meds and talking about stuff. Anything, really. I'm the type to just keep everything in. But dd is fine now, no lasting damage, I'm sure your dc will recover as well! Try not to dwell on it.

I'm usually floating around here if you want to chat or pm.

holding hand x

how are you doing today, knicker?

Don't worry if the answer is 'shite, thanks'

Just to let you know that the mirtazapine can make you crave sweet things so you may find that you put on weight. I found that I had terrible dreams on it & felt really tired. It can be a miracle for very severe depression. I felt great for 10 days but then I felty really worse & had to stop taking it. When my depression is bad I don't eat so they use it to help with appetite. I was eating jelly babies in the middle of the night.
My psychiatrist said to try & eat healthy things like dried fruit or muesli bars.

I try to eat 'healthy' comfort food when I'm suffering.

Things like: beans on toast, baked potatoes, veggie stew n dumplings, tinned fruit like peaches or pineapple for 'afters'

And it's amazing how decadent a muller corner can feel!