I'm losing it :(

[madmouse]

Just can't take it anymore

DH has asked me once again to make a huge sacrifice. He has been working in a different parish while we live in this one, and that has just been extended for very important and good reasons. But I find it really hard in that other church. The people are nice, but much older and very middle class, there are no other mums and children to speak of. I have to go there, because that's what minister's wives do, they are good and go with their husbands...

But he works there full time so knows everyone and fits in like a glove - it's very different for me and ds. I am still recovering from PTSD and currently very stressed.

I struggle with the fact that I have just no say at all in the fact that this situation is now to continue possibly until winter, with me being in limbo belonging nowhere basically.

I do anything for him. He is recovering from depression and this job is so good for him, but I just feel no one gives a toss, including him.

He said he had to work all day today, no time for the lunch out that I had asked for, yet he has found the time for 3.5 hours of computer games. When I piped up he said he can't always work. Well no but me and ds are not work!! He responded in his usual way - depressed, can't do it right, what's the point, I'm not fit for this job, no I don't want lunch I'm not hungry etc.

So what's the point of me? Should I make myself invisible?

Took ds outside in his walking frame and while we walked along the road my very good friend drove past without stopping. And I burst into tears on the pavement thinking no one gives a shit, why would you. Feel totally trapped and abandoned.

Oh madmouse .
I honestly think you need to have quite a straight conversation with DH.

I am very sympathetic towards his situation because of my experience with depression (and i think its great that the job is going so well) - but he also needs to be aware how his behaviour is impacting you and DS.

He could have had an hour of computer games - and still had time to go for lunch with you.

And the 'cant do it right, whats the point' - is very childlike/teenage behaviour.

The response to that could be 'its not about you not doing it right ... I asked that we go to lunch together and thats very inmportant to me. If you cant at least meet me some of the way then its going to be difficult for me to keep supporting you in the same way.'

I would even go as far as having a family diary - where you mark down in advance whats going to happen (and include in that computer time etc if that is important to him).

When someone is in the worst stages of depression and they are struggling to do ANYTHING - then this would be very hard. But your DH is some way along the road. He is functioning at work, and getting some enjoyment / fulfillment out of some things - so i think its absolutely fair for you to make your own needs clear.

Hope things bit easier this evening

Thanks for your response Kizzie

Just don't know how to handle it right now because he is hypersensitive to my 'disapproval' (If his step dad wasn't already dead I would have a go, feel more anger towards that man than my own abuser - probably very telling). Maybe it's the price of being in a marriage where both have been abused.

Just feel totally defeated and trapped and stuck.

You need to find someone to talk to asap. Maybe phone the Samaritans?

You are right of course madmouse - so difficult that you both have similar issues. But at the moment you are the one showing the most understanding and it needs to be more even.

Do you think its worth talking it through with a counsellor. (specifically the issue of how you get own needs heard within the relationship - when you both need support. And so that you feel better, but dont affect DH recovery at the same time??)

I wont be near a pc for much of the rest of the weekend - but I really hope tomorrow is easier x

Sorry things are so hard for you Mouse, nothing much to add to the already good suggestions, but regarding your friend, is it possible she just didn't see you? Her head could've been in the shed:mine often is!

I've spoken to my friend just now and he did not see me, he was talking to someone he had in the car with him.

It wasn't that what worried me anyway, I knew there was nothing wrong - it was my response to it...

I sometimes take things personally when they're not meant that way. Particularly when other things are out of kilter.Can you do something nice for yourself tonight, nice scented bath or something else that you would enjoy?

Oh hugs, madmouse thinking of you and your family.

Madmouse - I'm sorry I'm in no state to give you any help right now but I wanted to send my love.

Madmouse, I don't really have much advice because I'm struggling too ATM, but just wanted to say I am thinking of you. You have been there on many of my threads, some when I've name changed so you won't have even known it was me. You are one of the kindest, selfless, people on MN and I for one think you are wonderful. There is a point to you, you are one of lifes angels! Xx

Thanks for your (too!!) kind words everyone.

Bit better today, still low but not so stressed.

Been to that other church today and a woman I started a conversation with turned out to be in a lot of difficulty and needed urgent legal advice on her immigration status. God's way of saying well listen I do have a purpose for you here. Also took my little ds in to Sunday School and he really liked it there.

DH has apologised, of a fashion, said he is sorry for being so stressed yesterday, and made time to be with us and go out to feed the ducks despite having a busy working day.

Just finding life very hard work right now...

Glad you're feeling a bit better today, and feeling like you've got a purpose. I agree this helps! Sounds like DH has made a bit of effort, and the ducks benefitted. Are you someone who starts to feel a bit better as the weather improves?

I'm glad you all fed the ducks. Hope your lowness dissapates/you get more positive signs

Oh madmouse - so sorry to hear that you are feeling so low, and as someone else has said, you offer such kindness and wisdom to others suffering from MH problems on these threads. I have read many of your posts and have always found them so insightful and thought provoking.

I do know your back story madmouse and I wonder if you have had any therapy which I think would be very useful for you. re your H - I may be completely wrong but are you suggesting that he is so hypersensitive to any disapproval or critisism (or worse) from his step father. If so you are both having to face difficult times and again I wonder if joint therapy would be a good idea. Does the church not have anything to offer in this respect?

It may be that you will settle better than youthink in the new parish, and you are already to tackle the problem of a parishioner's legal status. I know you are a lawyer madmouse, could you not go back to work very part time (know it's difficult because of your little one) or offer your legal advice as a volunteer for CAB who I am sure would "snatch your habd off" - you are one of life's carers (takes one to know one) and we feel better when we are in the "helping role" - anyway sending good wishes and hoping that you will have brighter days ahead.

Sorry I didn't make myself clear about your H and his step father - I was wondering if he had been overly criticised (or worse) by his step father which may have contributed to his depression and his hypersensitivity to your disapproval.

Thanks for the lovely messages

NanaNina I have a fab if very busy part time job in the immigration team of my local Law Centre - ds goes to nursery and special school

I have had a lot of thereapy and DH is still having (very good!) therapy. I agree that at some point joint sessions may well be very helpful.

We have come a long way already, it just boiled over yesterday and it is very difficult to talk about this in real life as my friends tend to be critical of the amount of time dh spends with me, even if I'm mostly ok with it.

Answer to your secon d post NanaNina: yes yes yes and yes - extremely so.

Madmouse - the thought of moving church and areas is possibly a stressful thing to consider. Your Dh is in one of those jobs that doesn't always consider the rest of the family. However much you could be of use in the new parish, it will be a big change for you and your DS.

Sorry to hear this is causing such stress and emotions for you right now.

Keziah we're not moving that's the problem...

DH is working 16miles away so my only contact with the current parish is 3 sunday services a month!

It's the limbo that's hard. One foot here one foot there. We will leave the parish where we live in the next year and I will miss it, but it will be to go to a new position that we will chose together and move to together and get stuck in together. Just hope we find a suitabel post soon...

Ah, understand now. Sorry. Can you hold onto the fact that you can both be involved when you do move away? Limbo sounds hard. I know some minister's wives who don't get involved at all, with what their husband does, so it is good that you care - though sounds hard on you.

Excellent advice you're getting here madmouse and glad there have been good points to today.

I relate to this scenario with your DH - my DH & I both tend to respond to the tiredness of dealing with the outside world by needing to spend a lot of quiet time, but this is only sustainable if one of the partners is feeling OK. You need times of refreshment & reassurance to help you through this extra hard patch. I know you and DS are "not work" :-( but I myself can relate to having bouts of introversion like your DH yesterday..I'm not trying to justify it . He does need to keep on ploughing on , trying his best - hard I know if he's recently been depressed.

This is highly hamfisted after all the sophisticated advice on this thread , but I'd suggest short trips out if only you could squeeze them round DH's very long hours / your DS' needs / your work -however , I imagine that trapped feeling stems partly from feeling too restricted even for the odd hour out? If life feels very hard work at the moment, then it's hard to do all the faffing about of going out if it's only for a short time. That type of physical containment makes me very depressed , so I wish you could find a solution.

Infuriating for you to receive the old " well it's not worth even trying " line , argh for you. I too have a lovely DH who is deeply hurt by quite minor criticism from me, due largely to the parenting he received. Been together almost 20 years & it's still the case for him. I can see that this hypersensitivity can be present in the least egotistical of people, as he is, who has worked hard on himself. Wouldn't fancy telling my friends about it though, because it must sound like immaturity / EA to the outsider- but it's very different when they try their very best to overcome it but vestiges remain.
sorry for such a ramble- best wishes.

cityhobgoblin that helps enormously, thank you

Oh I got it wrong too Madmouse - I thought you were being uprooted and moving into another parish. Also I forgot that you worked in a Law Centre, as you had mentioned it before - sorry about that. I get mixed up with the contents of some threads!

I quite understand that you don't want to talk to anyone in RL and sometimes when we are just feeling pissed off, it's better to vent to anonymous people on a screen. As you know i am still trying to recover from depression and I keep a journal and write whatever I feel in it - cus no one else can see. Some pages are filled with huge scrawling writing - usually when I think DP has not been empathetic enough. He has been very supportive but sometimes it all erupts. Also I have the same problem as you - my DP was not abused but overly criticised by a very controlling father. I had always thought (we have been together 40 yrs) that this was the reason for his intolerance to any form of criticism and I could see him turning into his father day by day. So I issued an ultimatum that we either get therapy or part. Fortunately we found a very good therapist and she was able to help him see the links and it made a really good improvement, though his can still be very defensive and over react to anything critical but soon sees the error of his ways.

Glad you are both having therapy (yours in the past I think) but it may be good to do it jointly as in a way you are each dealing with past abuse in your own sort of "bubble" if that makes any sense.

I am sure you are wise enough madmouse to cope and good for you to post yourself instead of always helping others.

Hi madmouse, sorry you're having a tough time. As others have said, you are always so kind and caring, with excellent advice to offer people at their lowest ebb.

I know it's not ideal as you're clearly frustrated by the lack of control you're experiencing in RL at the moment, but perhaps knowing you're really helping others here will reassure your sense of self and purpose, even if only fleetingly.

As for communication with your DH, I know from experience that you become much more susceptible to relationship 'miscommunications' when there is depression in the equation as moods are so fragile and things can feel so intense and magnified. That said, it's important you make time to be with each other as a family. Feeding the ducks is lovely and very special - those are the precious moments so hang on to them and remind each other how good they are so you can make a concerted effort to keep doing nice things.

Make sure you also write down 3 good things each day that have made you smile. It's not always easy but if you can do it, it can help you to look for the positives even when times are pretty harsh.

Look after yourself and find comfort with the fact lots of people are looking out for you here and we know you deserve good things as you're such a nice person :)

Oh madmouse

Don't have anything clever to say, just illicit, unMNy (((hugs))).

You're always so lovely and giving and supportive on MN, and I bet you're just the same in your job and your "other job" as minister's wife.

Wish I could plug you into the sunshine and "top you up". Because you're worth it.