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Mental health

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Original poster

I'm losing it :(

49 replies

madmouse · 12/03/2011 16:30

Just can't take it anymore

DH has asked me once again to make a huge sacrifice. He has been working in a different parish while we live in this one, and that has just been extended for very important and good reasons. But I find it really hard in that other church. The people are nice, but much older and very middle class, there are no other mums and children to speak of. I have to go there, because that's what minister's wives do, they are good and go with their husbands...

But he works there full time so knows everyone and fits in like a glove - it's very different for me and ds. I am still recovering from PTSD and currently very stressed.

I struggle with the fact that I have just no say at all in the fact that this situation is now to continue possibly until winter, with me being in limbo belonging nowhere basically.

I do anything for him. He is recovering from depression and this job is so good for him, but I just feel no one gives a toss, including him.

He said he had to work all day today, no time for the lunch out that I had asked for, yet he has found the time for 3.5 hours of computer games. When I piped up he said he can't always work. Well no but me and ds are not work!! He responded in his usual way - depressed, can't do it right, what's the point, I'm not fit for this job, no I don't want lunch I'm not hungry etc.

So what's the point of me? Should I make myself invisible?

Took ds outside in his walking frame and while we walked along the road my very good friend drove past without stopping. And I burst into tears on the pavement thinking no one gives a shit, why would you. Feel totally trapped and abandoned.

OP posts:

Original poster

madmouse · 13/03/2011 21:43

thanks for all the messages

OP posts:

cityhobgoblin · 13/03/2011 21:57

You are a lovely person, madmouse - thank you . Loads of good advice again this last couple of hours. Peaceful night x

shodatin · 13/03/2011 23:19

Hope you feel better tomorrow madmouse - goodnight.

ByThePowerOfGreyskull · 13/03/2011 23:34

Sorry to hear you are having such a hard time at the moment, just want to echo what has been said above, you are such a support to everyone on the mH boards (the main place I lurk so if you go elsewhere I am sure you are there as well!)
I think the idea of you having one or 2 joint sessions would be good as it gives you a controlled area to voice some of your upset at the complicated home/work life at the moment.

Chin up honey, you are an amazing lady x

shodatin · 14/03/2011 12:27

Morning madmouse - Just wanted to say that I know living with depression is extremely difficult, and what helped me most was giving myself time for my own interests and hobbies; whether DH wanted to be with me or not, it mattered less to me how he spent his time.
It is an awkward situation certainly, and I agree that joint sessions would probably help.
I do hope things have improved for you today.

Original poster

madmouse · 14/03/2011 12:40

Have never had ''proper'' depression myself but PTSD makes the world black enough that I can go a very long way in understanding DH. Have many times been in so much pain that I lost the will to live literally.

At the moment I'm really struggling to keep my own mood up, I'm doing ok at work but it's hard work.

Going to band practice tonight, seeing my friend and some other lovely people.

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kizzie · 14/03/2011 13:56

Hi Madmouse - glad yesterday was a bit easier.
Enjoy band practice. x

natsyloo · 14/03/2011 17:51

Have a nice evening Madmouse, always good to see lovely friends and focus on other things. Hope you feel better soon x

Original poster

madmouse · 16/03/2011 18:48

Just wanted to update and say things are better here.

DH has apologised a number of times and we had a fab day out on Tuesday (which is our 'weekend' as of course DH works weekends - in fact 6 days a week).

Monday night I had a long chat with my friend which helped me gain some perspective and made me see I do matter just for who I am.

And today DH came home from counselling with a message from his therapist (who is a very experienced vicar's wife!!!) to say that how I feel is very important and that I need to do what is right for me even if it is not what the bishop or the congregation would expect. It was very affirming that a) DH was concerned enough about my feelings to bring it up in his counselling session and b) to be affirmed by someone who knows the position I'm in through and through.

Thanks everyone who posted for dragging me through the weekend xxxx

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ThisIsANiceCage · 16/03/2011 18:54

So glad things are a bit better. V impressed with your DH and his therapist!

snowmash · 16/03/2011 19:03

That sounds positive :)

kizzie · 16/03/2011 19:32

Madmouse - that all sounds very positive from the therapist session .

And snowmash - how great to see you posting on this thread x

natsyloo · 17/03/2011 09:45

great news madmouse - glad to hear it x

sloggies · 17/03/2011 16:25

Madmouse you see, he luuuuurvves you.....!

latrucha · 17/03/2011 19:49

Am36butfeel66 · 17/03/2011 20:40

Hi Madmouse, do you mind if I join this thread? I am a Vicars daughter and have had depression for nearly 20 yrs now so I can understand a bit of what you are feeling. My ex also had mental health probs, so I know what it is like to live with someone who who cannot support you the way you need.
I dont know much of your background, but from what I have read on this I can see that life has been pretty tough for you. It is really hard to be married and working in the church as traditionally your own family had to come before the church family, but thankfully things seem to be changing? and Bishops etc are now realising that a vicar whether male or female needs to put his family first, as it also gives a good example to parishioners of how a Christian home should be. What I mean is that if you were able to have a chat with your dh and approach the Bishop you may find him symphathetic to your needs as a family. it is hard when you go to a new parish, and the fact that you arernt able to live within the parish makes things so hard for you. In a parish being the partner of the minsiter is tough (so is being the child! ), you end up having the identity of the ministers wife, instead of being you yourself.
Is there no way that you could look now for a new parish together? Or is your husband due a sabbatical that he could take now to help you regroup as a family before you head off to somewhere new? As you I am sure know moving parish is really really tough, and isn't always a bed of roses initially, but if you were able to start a couples therapy before the move it would help you both? Being a minister you are always giving to others and getting abuse from others ( I.e..."who moved the lectern 2inches to the left?...was that you Vicar?" asked the stalwart of the flower arranging committee...:) - but having lived with a vicar who put the church before his family, I would advise that the only way to get thru it all is together...family first, church second....that's what God I believe would what too?

Original poster

madmouse · 17/03/2011 22:13

Hi Am36 thank you

Our situation is a bit strange. DH was in a curacy that has effectively broken down (reasons for that don't belong on here) and DH (who has struggled with depression for most his life due to his childhood) was off work for 4 months. It was decided that it was necessary for him to go on a placement elsewhere to help him make a fresh start. That placement is extremely successful and I'm getting my DH back, in part like I've never known him. But the placement needs to continue for a bit longer and he is not yet right now ready to look for a new post. We will start looking in June so hope we've moved before December . So certainly no time for a sabbatical now.

Yes vicar's wives have it better than they used to have it and I have my own career etc, but the bishop at the start of this placement told me personally that I needed to show I was supporting my husband. I'm not sure why he felt the need, I have proven my support for DH endlessly over the years, from moving to the UK to working and commuting long distances to fund and support his training.

But it has helped no end to know that I am supported - from my friend who said you're not just a minister's wife, you are madmouse, your own person, to DH's therapist and what she said. So I have tonight started the Lent course in our old church, without feeling guilty about that!

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Am36butfeel66 · 17/03/2011 22:35

I am glad that you have gone back to your old church for the Lent course as you will get support there I hope. I am cross with what the Bishop said to you though!.... It is great that your husband is getting support, and that because of that support he is starting to feel better. But does the Bishop not realise that you as the wife of a clergyman needed as much support as him too?.. You from your actions have obviously been supporting your husband and the Bishop must have been walking around with his Cassock over his head or something to have not noticed! .. Typical Bishop comment though!...
Will your husband be going for another curacy?
Please never become the ministers wife! .. You are more of a support for your husband when you can be your own person, so going and doing things that you want/need to do are important, so enjoy the Lent course!
Does your diocese have a good clergy wives group? Or is it full of retired wives?

Original poster

madmouse · 17/03/2011 22:59

I'm not even sure there is a wives group - would not be appropriate either as we are a diocese with a large number of female clergy so many male spouses. And I abhor these cliquey groups anyway. (we have one male spouse in the diocese who calls himself a clergy wife, want to slap him every time he does).

The bishop in his defence is very new in this diocese and in his first role as a bishop.

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Am36butfeel66 · 17/03/2011 23:12

I was thinking of a wives group only because they should be supportive as you are all in a similar boat, but as I live in an area where woman clergy is in the minority I had stupidly forgotten that other dioceses are different.
I think the clergy wife person is hilarious! Does he do flower arranging and make jam too?

Original poster

madmouse · 17/03/2011 23:15

I think he just thinks he's interesting

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Am36butfeel66 · 17/03/2011 23:23

Original poster

madmouse · 17/03/2011 23:28

Thank the Lord no one has yet suggested any traditional roles for me. I'm a worship leader, that's my thing, and i don't mind going up and doing intercessions. Feel called ot preach but not supported by Dh's old boss.

Thankfully in our old church flowers are done by a retired florist and her (male!!) deputy and the toddler group by a foster carer. Who needs a lawyer anyway

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Am36butfeel66 · 17/03/2011 23:50

oh but you haven't mentioned the jam making, kneeler sewing teams!! ..they are definitely in need of your skills as a clergy wife! Give up being a lawyer at once!...your parish needs you! :)

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