Is it all going to be OK?

[borderliner]

I've name changed into my mental health persona as I am sure some family read this and I don't want them to know how I feel.

I just feel like shit.

I'm so depressed, I'm on antidepressants and have recently also come off an antipsychotic as the symptoms I was on them for have gone.

I just feel totally flat, like there is nothing worth living for. I have a chronic pain condition which is hard to manage and BPD. I've also been going through a prem menopause.

I have what looks like a really good life - 3 fabulous children all in school now, a lovely p/t job teaching young mums literacy skills (which I love - when I feel OK), a brilliant husband who adores me and is also incredibly hands on round the house and with the children, who has a very well paid job so we have a lovely house and no money worries, a cleaner ......

And I just want to lie in bed all day with the duvet over my head.

I asked the GP to up the dose of my medication but he has referred me back to the psychistrists for that and an "emergency" appointment is going to take 9 weeks!

I'm not going to do anything stupid but if I just went to sleep and never woke up I wouldn't really care.

I'm actually crying now which is a lot more than I have been able to do.

I want someone to look after me and tell me it is going to be OK, cos I feel like it will never be OK again.

.

See. Its not going to be OK.

One thing I have learnt about mental health through my personal experience, is that it is a real illness. It is not something you can actually choose to have or not have, and as a result, it is independent of your circumstances. In fact, having good circumstances like you describe can actually make you feel worse because you feel so terribly terribly guilty that you supposedly "have it all" but still feel at the bottom of a pit and utterly miserable.

You have my sympathy. I had a severe "episode" following birth of DD, and like you I had a supportive husband, nice house, lovely friends etc etc. I had everything I could have possibly wanted. But I still got seriously ill and needed hospitalising. It taught me a strong lesson that no one with mental health problems chooses to feel the way they do, nor can they simply "pull themselves together" or snap out of it.

What you are experiencing is a real illness and it needs treatment. You stopped the antipsychotics because the symptoms had gone, but maybe they had gone because you were taking medication for them? Perhaps stopping them is making you go downhill again? I've been on antipsychotics, ADs, lithium, sleeping tablets, all at the same time and I know it's not pleasant. But sometimes you just need to accept that you need these treatments because you are ill. You won't be on them forever. I got off all my drugs, one at a time, little by little and have been well for quite a few months now.

I will tell you this, it may not be an easy ride, and yes, you will have crappy days, but it WILL be ok. You WILL get better. You need to keep telling yourself this over and over. Part of the illness is the utter hopelessness and inability to see past your current circumstances. I have been there. But I came out the other side and am so glad I hung in there, awful and unbearable as it was at the time.

Lots of love to you

Thankyou so much for taking the time to post this. You have made me cry, but kind of in a nice way.

My illness is lifelong, as I have a personality disorder as well, and the depression is part of that.

I was taken off the antipsychotics, but you are right, maybe it was too soon.

I think I will phone the CPN service on Monday and try to get my appointment bumped up a bit. 9 weeks is too long to wait.

Yes it's appalling to have to wait 9 weeks. I remember when I was seriously ill it was a Friday I went to A&E - they told me the emergency psychiatrist would see me at home the following tuesday.

For me that was completely unbearable, I felt like tearing my skin off when they said that. I couldn't get through the next 10 minutes let alone 4 days. It was hideous So sorry they've told you 9 weeks

Yes you should def call the CPN, why not call the out of hours helpline, you should have one in your area. In my experience they are not altogether helpful, but they make notes from your call so at least your desperation would be registerd IYSWIM.

Keep posting love, you will be ok. I know what you are saying about life long condition, but I have a friend with BPD and she is SO much better than she was. Leads a normal life, has a part time job, gets on fine. You WILL be ok you know?

Im so sorry you are having to go through this and on top of it wait 9 weeks .
Totally ridiculous .

But it will be ok in the end - even if you have to get through it day by day - half a day, quarter of a day at a time.

Keep posting on here as there is always someone around to offer a kind word if nothing else.

(and dont put added pressure on yourself by thinking about the nice house etc etc - it has nothing to do with it - this is an illness).

Take care x

Thankyou.

Just feeling pretty worthless today, had to get the kids chippy for tea as I was worried I would hurt myself (sort of accidentally on purpose) if I tried to cook today.

Dh is home now, we have got a new DVD (Despicable Me) and are going to sit and watch it with the kids cos its Friday night!

Hope you have nice relaxing evening x

I can't watch that film! All the little yellow things are freaking me out a bit!!

I'm going to bed, I'm exhausted with worrying.

Thankyou so much to those of you who took the trouble to reply - I do feel the teeniest bit better.

Well its a lovely sunny morning and I can't appreciate it. I really am not well, and my chronic pain has flared up again. I feel rotten for not liking the fact its such a nice day, and am not sure if I will be able to join in today with going out and having fun as a family.

Feel like I am ruining my children's childhoods.

You're not ruining their childhood - you are just ill at the moment.

If things dont improve in next few days go back to the drs and say you need an earlier appointment.

A sunny day can be very difficult when you feel so low - it almost makes it worse that you cant appreciate it - so dont beat yourself up about that.

I wonder if coming off the anti psychotic is having a temporary effect on your mood ?

Do you do any breathing/relaxation exercises?

x

Is anyone about?

I feel like I am slipping slowly away, like my time has run out.

ALl my energy, all my reserves are gone.

I just want to lie down and disappear.

.

Borderline - is anyone with you? If so, does he/she know how you are feeling? Are they taking you seriously?

I know SO well the feeling of wanting to lie down and disappear, to evaporate, to want out of life. This is a sympton as you know of severe depression. There is a big difference between wanting to disappear and wanting to die. We don't want to die but we want the pain to stop. What stops me actually doing anything is the pain that I will leave behind for my family. A wise friend told me that if you commit suicide you just pass on your paid to those who love you.

However if you are really terrified and thinking suicidal thoughts constantly, could someone take you to A & E (you might have to wait ages for the crisi team) or you could phone Samaritans if you want to talk. 80% of their calls are from people who have mental health problems, so you will not be saying anything they haven't heard hundreds of times before.

I very often go to bed and hope for a heart attack inthe night so I won't leave my loved ones with the thing about suicide.

You are not alone - there are many many of us that are suffering, just getting through hour by hour on some days.

Please come back and let us know how you are

I have my dh here who knows how I feel and he feels very helpless, but he is with me. He's a HCP and in some ways I think that makes it worse for him - he knows he should be able to help but he jsut cant.

It is that feeling that if I never woke up I wouldn't mind. I would never (again) actively try to kill myself, but if it happened naturally it would be a real releif. I feel like I have so much pain in side which has been there for so many years and its never going to get better. I've beed depressed (oficially) for 20 of my 40 years, and I am sure my BPD symptoms started before that.

I wish I knew who I really was .....

Oh borderline, thank goodness your dh is with you - what's an HCP btw - assume something medical. Have just re-read your original post and you do have some things that you can enjoy when you are feeling more ok than you are at present. I know that feeling so well. One of the things I love doing is picking up my g/chdrn from school but only manage it about once or twice a fortnight if I'm lucky.

Take good care and just keep breathing and holding on in there - sorry I can't say anything more useful.

Borderline, like someone else has suggested perhaps you are struggling so much right now due to the change in your medication. Could you get your dh to phone himself the secretary of your consultant and to explain the situation to the secretary briefly. The number should be on a copy of any letter they have sent you, or the gp can give it to you. My dh has found the secretaries to me a more direct way of seeing the psychiarist than through the gp!! That way the dh feels they are helping, and you get a quicker appointment.

Sorry things are so horrible right now. Have you ever had the chance to learn mindfulness skills? They are meant to help with bpd symptoms, something to do with using the front part of the brain so that the emotional part of the brain is calmed. Sorry, I can't quite remember the scientific part there!

Thsnks everyone again.

I am going to get dh to call the psych office in the morning as I really do need to see someone. Luckily my dh works in health (NanaNina HCP = Healthcare professional - he's actually a doctor) and is good at chatting to other consultants secretaries!).

I do use mindfulness - I find it incredibly useful, and had recently also been learning "urge surfing" to deal with my thoughts of self harm.

But in the last couple of weeks I seem to have lost all control of my head and can't manage the stillness to be mindful for more than 30 secs - and of course, thats nto long enough. I'm just a constantly whirling maelstrom at the moment.

I have some diazepam (well, dh holds it for me) for emergencies, to help me sleep, so I think I am going to go and ask him for a tablet. (He has it cos I don't always trust myself, he's not controlling it or anything!) 5mg and I will have a good nights sleep. I only take it about once a month but I have to cope all day tomorrow and tomorrow evening as he is on call, so I need rest.

Borderline, did you call this morning?

Dh called at 8.30, psychiatriest is going to call him back (they have my written permission to go through him as I have trouble handling phone calls. And as they see him as an "equal" because he is also a senior doctor, he can sometimes pull a little bit of rank and get a favour. I don't like it, I think its unfair, but right now I need it!)

I slept form 2.30 till 7 which is really good for me. I was dreading today, but now I have dd1 off school sick - temp, headache, is still asleep. SHe's 11 and loves school, this is not like her at all!! But in some ways it is nice - I can't collapse, I have to make a little bit of an effort and that is good for me too, and she has been noticing more and more I'm not well so this afternoon I am going to have a bit of a chat with her about what is going on. SHe knows I'm depressed - we've been very honest and open with the children about it - but she is getting to the age when she neeeds a bit more input and information so we will curl up onthe sofa with a hot choc and have a chat.

But I feel horribly like every second that ticks is a second of my life ticking away - that I don't have much time left. Its scarey, and disturbing. I really do need help!

Hi, glad your DH called the secretary. My DH not a DR but has found secretaries much more useful that booking an appointment through a GP, so I hope it helps.

Glad you had a better sleep, hope you do tonight too.

Really hope you get some help BL.....thinking of you x

You certainly are going through a bad patch. They call them 'blips' don't they?

I had an awful 2 weeks ago and I felt much like you - just wanting to go to sleep and never wake up (not good with a sleeping pill addiction). And it feels like you've failed at everything and it's all too late and terrible and and and - do you know what? It's not true, none of it - it's just your illness fucking with you (that's how I describe it to myself) and creating these heartbreaking feelings.

It will be okay, honestly.

Thinking of you, hope you have a good night xx