Is it all going to be OK?

[borderliner]

I've name changed into my mental health persona as I am sure some family read this and I don't want them to know how I feel.

I just feel like shit.

I'm so depressed, I'm on antidepressants and have recently also come off an antipsychotic as the symptoms I was on them for have gone.

I just feel totally flat, like there is nothing worth living for. I have a chronic pain condition which is hard to manage and BPD. I've also been going through a prem menopause.

I have what looks like a really good life - 3 fabulous children all in school now, a lovely p/t job teaching young mums literacy skills (which I love - when I feel OK), a brilliant husband who adores me and is also incredibly hands on round the house and with the children, who has a very well paid job so we have a lovely house and no money worries, a cleaner ......

And I just want to lie in bed all day with the duvet over my head.

I asked the GP to up the dose of my medication but he has referred me back to the psychistrists for that and an "emergency" appointment is going to take 9 weeks!

I'm not going to do anything stupid but if I just went to sleep and never woke up I wouldn't really care.

I'm actually crying now which is a lot more than I have been able to do.

I want someone to look after me and tell me it is going to be OK, cos I feel like it will never be OK again.

Thinking of you as well borderliner xx

I'm the OP. I can't be bothered with all the changing and changing back any more.

Am doing OK today. Psychiatrist has said they will bump up the appointment. Have had a good day.

I was thinking of you at work today, so pleased today has been a good one for you :)

OP, how are you doing now?

I thought I woudl pop back in to let you know that I am doing OK. Not brilliant, but OK. My sleep is a little better and I've been able to get out a bit, which has been good for me.

My appointment has been moved up to next week, dh has managed to get the morning off to come with me which is great, and I've had my medications reassessed and am now taking a higher dose of the antidepressants and we'll look at the other one again when I see the psych.

I'm actually about to go out for a walk to the paper shop to buy a newspaper and get myself a nice sandwich for lunch and then come home and clean up the kitchen so I have room to make pancakes later.

Thanks for asking about me, I do appreciate it!

This is all good news weegiemum and it's nice to hear that you are able to sleep a little better ( everything is worse in the dark isn't it?)
Enjoy your walk and sandwich and have fun with the pancakes
take care xx

Thanks shell! I had a nice walk (it was sunny), got myself a Grauniad, prawn salad baguette and some skittles!

Sat and read the paper, had a wee dose, was up and organised in time for violin lessons inthe house, pancakes etc.

Tomorrow is a work day so I am teaching all morning but feel refreshed enough by today to do so - if I can get some sleep.

Dh is away tonight so I can't take my tranqus to help me sleep so have had some mild mumsnetting and a glass of wine - off to read a book now!

I am going to be OK. One day!

Crap day today :(

Do you think work is making it worse? I couldn't face work when feeling as you are at the moment - still having more bad days than good.

Work itself is good. Its only 2 mornings in the end, and when I am there I feel fabulous. I'm, doing it. One of my sessions involves an hour long literacy session for young mums followed by a 30 min session when we read books to the babies (all about 12-14 months now) - I call my babies the "Calums" as so many are called Calum, and it is the one time in the week I am feeling like I am worth something!

But I am SO tired aterwards. I need to keep doing it, but it is hard going.

Thats tomorrow (well, today now) and I'm looking forward/dreading in equal measure. But tomorrow's book is "Green Eggs and Ham" (mums are now capable of this - really, they were totally illiterate in Sept) and I'm looking forward to it.

I wish I could enjoy stuff.

Hope work went ok today weegiemum

Weegiemum, do you mind if I PM you about work?

AP fine no bother!

Thanks - have sent it. No hurry - reply when you feel up to it.

Any chance of a wee bit of virtual sympathy - feeling a bit crap today!

Have a virtual hug and a cupcake and coffee from me. Is there anything any of us can do to help?

I just feel crap about me.

Bad wife, bad mother, bad personn, etcetcetc .

know its not true but I still feel it.

My dd1 cried when she got home from school today cos 2 kids were given a reward for helping out when an after-school carer felt ill and they stepped in, made her sit fdoen, got her water, called an adult.

My dd1 can do this whenever feel unwell - much more than once! SHe felt under appreciated, and now I feel shit cos it seems lie I am takng advantage od her (I"m nt) and not appreciating her (I'm not). SHe doesn't "care" for me, she does no more house-type jobs (put away your bags and clothes, tidy your stuff off the table for tea) than most kids.

But she percieves it is lost cos she knows I am ill.

Bugger!

Psychiatrist on Thursday. Going mental thinking of it.

Aaaaargh!

I'm on my phone so can't type much, but I do sympathise. Could you get your DD a special treat to show how much you appreciate her? (although if she's anything like mine, she'll be taking full advantage of any perceived weak spot to further her own cause..)

You're definitely not a bad person - I'm a stranger and you've helped me enormously with a work issue. Hope you feel better soon.

Hello weegiemum - do let us know how things went today

Went fine thx! All meds upped to what I need. I'm going back to the basic psychologist but there is a YEAR long waiting list for the specialist therapy I also require!! Amon my phone not easy to type so will come back later.

Anyone about? Feeling like shit tonight!