Everyone else is a better mother than me (Long, sorry)

[BigGingerCat]

Have name changed, so ashamed of myself.

I had a crappy birth experience (40 hour labour, Special Care descended on the baby and pumped him full of drugs he didn't need because he "might" have had an infection due to my waters breaking so early. I went five whole days without more than an hours sleep as we were kept in hospital. I want to throw something when I hear of other women who manage to get their babies out without induction/forceps and in about six hours, then sit up in bed gazing lovingly at their little bundles. I was exhausted and just wanted my DS to STFU crying and for someone to take him away. Never really got over it.

Things got better, bonding took a LONG time and direct breastfeeding never worked for a variety of reasons, so I express all his feeds. It's the only thing I think I am getting right. He is happy, healthy and huge and now four months old.

But he doesn't really like cuddling me. It breaks my heart when he goes happily to his dad or to my smug MIL or to a friend of mine who he's seen once. I get a few mins of him in my arms before he wriggles, cries or tries to get away. Sometimes I get loads of smiles, sometimes despite nursery rhymes, singing, playing, feeding, cuddling, stroking, cooing I get absolutely fuck all. Someone else comes in the room and he lights up at them.

I do go out to baby groups which are fun, but everyone seems more put together and "into" their babies than I am. I have probed with questions like "but they are little sods sometimes, aren't they?" or "how do you get past the boredom?" I am pretty perceptive and good at reading people but they all look thrown by the questions and say that they go for walks, play etc and they are, genuinely, happy doing that, don't want to go back to work etc. I get bored to tears with him. I try hard to play with him/read stories but after ten mins I'm looking for an excuse to put him down and do something else.

He can't roll over, just lies there like a big fat walrus. I am getting cross with him and cross with myself because I have obviously failed and not given him enough tummy time.

I have taken baby massage classes and similar but can't be arsed to do the massages in my own time. Sometimes I can't be arsed to go for a walk with him or into town so we just stay in all day. How crap is that?

I cut his nails three times a week and he still managed to scratch himself badly yesterday and draw blood. I was so ashamed I nearly didn't go to babygroup.

I am just so tired all the time even though DS is sleeping through the night. He is a good, wonderful baby, and he deserves better than me. Sometimes if I have done everything to meet his needs (hungry, nappy, wind, cuddle) and he still cries I end up really shouting at him to shut up (say, once a week). I would never hurt him physically but he looks so shocked and cries harder, and I feel so guilty and ashamed. When he does later smile at me again I imagine that he secretly does not like me (why would he?) or that he is trying really hard to like me and engage with me because I'm the best he's got and I am just a complete bitch of a woman who should never have had kids. I don't know why I did actually, just didn't want to be alone in old age and it's something everyone else around me is doing.

My DH is wonderful in all ways, but he doesn't know the half of it and I could never tell him, fancy shouting at your own baby.

How can I be a better mother? Please help me.

You ARE a good mother. He is only a small baby and he loves you - he wants to snuggle with other people as well, of course, but he feels secure with you.

Babies have got their own personalities - my baby DS was much happier to gurgle and play at that age than my DD, who was always looking around and away from me.

Right, what else?

Oh, NO ONE does baby massage at home. Who cares? The fun is getting out, meeting other parents, doing something different. Do NOT beat yourself up about it. Live in the moment when you're at the class and forget about it, unless it's something you fancy when you're at home.

They all cut themselves with their nails - they grow like magic overnight (my DS often draws blood with his super-fast sprouting talons).

If you asked me about the boredom, boy would I have told you! Especially when I'm on my own at home with the children. When I'm out having a coffee with other mums or in work, I feel cheerier so I come across as happy. But at home it's often another story.

I've shouted at mine - especially in the middle of the night 'why won't you sleeeeeeeeeep?'. It's not great, but we are human, not saints.

This is all rather rambling as I'm on strong painkillers for mastitis (ouch). But - hear this - you are doing a marvellous job; you are not a bitch. You're a mother, doing her best and that is more than good enough.

Oh, and both of mine came out without forceps/induction, but have had a prolapse (rectally, lovely!) and am still having physio a year after my second child to help correct the nerve and muscle damage. So don't feel too envious of other people - you never know what delights they're experiencing

You sound like a very good mother.

You had a tough birth.I was a SCBU baby and my dm still feels guilt about it all even though she is a FAB mum for the past 38 years!

Re going to others and cuddling.They are little buggers.Both dd and ds prefered their dad at this point.I felt aggrieved,I mean it was me who was there all the time,right?i think it is just the fact a new face thing.

Going out,it isn't compulsory.Sometimes staying in a tootling around is good,but you DO take him to baby massage.That is good.Ignore the fact everyone else "appears" to be coping.Bet they all have their own issues.Tiny babies CAN be boring,fact.I mean they eat pee scream and poo,but they get better with age honest

Rolling over.ds it was 8 months,dd a year (sn)

Child related injuries:I dropped ds aged 2 weeks (the guilt was immense).He is fine now!

Tiredness..is the killer.4 months in was my lowest point,esp with dd who was a screechy unsettled baby.It DOES get better.I remember one night screaming "Will you shut the fuck up" at her (i rarely swear).Really it does get better.

You sound normal.4 month point hard,sleep deprivation,babyshock,hard birth.But if these feeling don't resolve,please see Gp or HV for support.

You are NOT a bad mum

HUGS Mavis xx

Stop thinking or saying "he deserves better than me".

YOU are what he's got, for better or for worse.

There is nothing that you can do about that.

I also felt a bit like this with my first DS, who is an absolute delight now.

I WAS bf but just felt like a big old milk cow because DH and DM would take him off me once he'd fed.

Your birth experience is neither here nor there in the grand scheme of things - he's here, he's alive, you're his mother.

You need to let go of this, but you are seeing it as some kind of sign that you were not cut out for motherhood.

It WILL get better, but maybe not immediately.

It is a HUGE adjustment to make, becoming a mother, but I can assure that by the time DS2 was here (I wanted a second chance to get it right), I had relaxed into my role and stopped angsting quite so much.

Are you planning to SAHM?

I went back to work at 3.5 mths with both DS, not sure at all how I would have handled being at home any longer and I need something else in my life - others don't, depends on how you are.

Agree, Mavis. My low point (just remembered - had blocked it out because of the shame) was yelling 'will you just shut up you little fucker' at DS.

DS, who is the loveliest, jolliest little non-sleeping soul.

I felt awful in the morning, but being tired is a killer.

It's an awful phrase, but do be kind to yourself, OP. You are coping better than you think - and, as Mavis says, if you feel you could do with some help then do talk to your HV or GP. But, remember, you are normal and doing well. It just looks like everyone else finds it all a walk in the park. Honest.

There are no medals given out for a perfect birth or for being able to breastfeed successfully and not being able to pop babies out in 4 hours or breastfeed does not make someone a failed mother. I had really easy births for all mine but completely botched up breastfeeding despite three attempts. My eldest didn't walk until he was 21 months and hated 'tummy time' with a passion, the middle boy said his first words at 9 months, my youngest isn't showing signs of walking yet but at 16 months but can say 'Liquorice' (our cat's name). The youngest prefers to cuddle daddy than me. The other two both liked to cuddle me more. The eldest is a very kind, helpful little boy. My middle one will tell me he hates me when he's having a mad temper tantrum. The middle one slept from 8 weeks through the night. The youngest still doesn't sleep all night. All children are different, all mothers are different, all births are different. Motherhood is very, very hard and so many women beat themeselves up about how they cope, me included, but mainly it seems in private and not at toddler groups. You are doing a fantastic job. I can tell how much you care by reading your post :)

Baby massage at home? Yeah right!!!

Hi Big Ginger Cat

I've read your post, but not others as I don't want to be influenced by them.

Your birth sounds traumatic - I had a traumatic birth too and I never went for counselling. I wish I had now and wonder if I should before I have another (might be the reason, almost 4 years on why I haven't had another). I'll do you a deal - I'll investigate it if you will.

Secondly, you are not a bad mother at all. I really struggled adjusting to becoming a mum and all the mundane stuff that goes on with babies. Yes, I got pretty 'bored' of that stuff too. My solution was to go back to work when DD was 4 months. It was great, and meant that I began to value my time with the baby as it was shortened. It also gave me an 'excuse' to give up BF (which I loathed...so dull - DD took over an hour to feed every feed. I hated it). I found myself shouting on odd occasions too. You are not as rare as you think and you sound very protective and you know it won't become physical - knowing your boundaries is good!

You know what, almost 4 years on and things are much better. I find 3 years old great, much more fun, they can speak and I actually gave up work to spend time with her. I just didn't enjoy the baby phase - it didn't stop me loving her but I am a better mum now. You sound like this. You do have a future to look forward to, don't be hard on yourself. Parenting is all about making mistakes, learning from them and moving on.

your mistake is in assuming it's easier for everybody else.

It isn't. You may just catch them at a "good" moment though. And people lie a bit too.

my DS1 cried a lot and was not cuddly, he always pushed me away. it was hard not to feel rejected.

i have stood at the door, and thought i'd just walk out and leave.

My Sister in law, who is the nicest, calmest person I know once admitted that on bad days she felt like throwing her baby out of the window. We both knew she'd never do it, but still, she hated herself for feeling that way.

It is shocking to discover this dark side to yourself, but EVERYBODY has a dark side.

Being with a baby is hard work, and difficult and often tedious and boring. That is the truth nobody tells you, so please do not think everybody else is on some kind of cloud 9.

If you think you may have depression, just visit your GP and tell him or her you are worried.

Thanks everyone, I feel a lot better having firstly just got it all out and hearing your lovely, kind responses.

jamaisjedors - I will go back to work when DS is 11 months. I work in the City and used to have a high profile responsible job. I wonder if that is part of the problem. Last Feb I was discussing strategy with the CEOs of financial services companies with seven million UK customers yet now I feel vilified in Baby Rhyming if I can't instantly recall the words to Incy Wincy Spider. I feel not just on maternity leave, but exiled into a wilderness. I am so tired and brain is now a puddle on the floor that maybe I won't belong back at work either, so where will that leave me as main breadwinner for the house?

SenoritaViva - I found that complaining to the NHS Trust helped, and I did get an apology for some of what went on. If I don't feel better when he's a year old, and spend his birthday not celebrating but remembering and feeling bad, then I will go for counselling, it is a good idea.

I am scared of telling my GP all this and really want to avoid medicating.

Why are people not more honest and open about how crap it is? And are there some people who never go through the dark days? Some people have said to me about how they are just "good with babies" - if that's possible and there are mothers out there who are brilliant at the baby stage I want to be like that too. Maybe it'll be when I look back on it that I will realise that I was actually all right.

I'm currently learning to drive so I can ferry DS about but finding learning really hard - can't even bloody get that right.

People are more honest... on mn anyway - take a look around, you will find loads of threads on this kind of thing.

You WILL look back and think you did ok, but if you are used to being high profile/high responsibility you are probably used to success (and possibly a perfectionist) and will find it hard to deal with the out-of-control-ness which comes with a baby (I know I did).

I would love to be a baby person but it's just not me, I adored them from one onwards when they became little people, walking and talking but honestly the whole baby thing terrified me and was SUCH a hard slog.

You will be fine at work, this whole baby brain business is rubbish, you just get more organised - you will be amazed at what you fit into a day.

It IS tiring, and juggling both will be hard, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Try to do some things for yourself right now too, don't be too focused on being a martyr to your baby because you "want to get it right".

You have the next few months with a lot more freedom (albeit with other limitations from the baby) - make the most of them - even if it's just reading lots of books you never had time to read or watching day-time tv if you really want to.

I am totally gutted that I was trying so hard to "be a good mum" for DS1 that it never occured to me to turn on the TV in the day for example. And those days were SO SO long...

Good luck with it.

BigGinger

I'm also going to PM you, but I just wanted to say a few things here. You are not a rubbish mother, you have a happy, healthy baby who loves you and smiles at you. At times it will always look like they want to be with someone else, other people always seem to arrive at the moment they are happy, and you just feel like you get the moments when they are tired, fed up, hungry etc.

Really don't worry about rolling over, I can't think of any of my friends babies that were at 4 months.

Do you see any of the baby group or other mothers one on one or in small groups? I found that was the best life line for me, particularly when they were immobile, we spent hours in each others houses or in costa coffee. Both talking about difficulties with babies, but also about each other as human beings, i discovered my friends were also lawyers, energy analyts, had phds, went to the same uni as me, so you could sort of remember who you were before, which we were all missing at times, and TBH you can't really do at baby group.

At the thing no-one tells you is up to about 6 months, babies are quite dull, in many ways I wish I could have had mat leave from 6 to 18 months as it would have been so much more interesting, although Costa is infinitely easier when they are immobile.

BGC you are so not alone! In many ways 4 months was the hardest bit for me, the grinding exhaustion, the very boring baby stuff, the constant comparisons to other mums who seemed to have the hang of it, the feeling that life as a confident adult had been ripped away leaving me this frazzled wreck. I never managed to cut nails anywhere near 3 times a week, and used to obsess about it. And didn't change sheets often enough, that was another worry. and ... all sorts of things. I had a crappy induction / forceps birth too, and used to feel incredibly jealous of those who'd had that lovely earth mother birthing experience.

What I didn't realise until afterwards was that it took me many months to physically recover from that crappy birth, so all of these feelings were exacerbated by exhaustion, it sounds like the same for you.

Come talk on mumsnet whenever you feel you're the only one feeling like this. There are many of us here who have shouted much worse things than you at the baby (who will not remember!)

You ask how to be a better mother. You sound like a perfectly good mother to me. But you just sound knackered and strung out and in need of support and a break. It gets easier, but can your dh take the baby for a day one weekend and you go and sit in a spa or something?

I don't know why everybody is not more honest.

Quite a few of my friends told me off I had only been able to admit the depths of despair I reached a few years after it happened...I guess there are still a few taboos around motherhood!

I think our expectations of what a good mother should be are so unrealistic and high.

At the time I joined the bad Mothers club (was attracted by the name!)and the support on their really helped me. I switched to MN a few years ago when they started charging for the forum.

I also learned to drive when DS was 1, and I failed a few times but I was bl$$dy determined and got there in the end.

When I had DS2 I was a very different mother by the way. I remember telling my kind old GP DS2 was such an easy baby compared to DS1, and he said: "No, it's you that is different. ALL mothers find their first baby hard, and their second much easier. It's the benefit of experience."

Good luck! Just get out a lot, so you don't feel couped up.

And importantly, don't just do boring baby rhyme Time, but try to get the baby to fit in with YOUR life as well. Take her along to visit friends and family, take her out to the library (to find books for YOU) and for walks (good for YOU) and other grown up things. You are still a person and not just a mother you know?!

Erm....I hate to break this to you BUT those mothers at your baby groups probably feel EXACTLY like you do, they just arent honest/gutsy enought to admit it!

Looking after newborns is mind numbingly boring, interspersed with moments of pure joy. I HATE the newborn stage. HATE it.

I would also agree with the last poster....first babies are, generally, harder..I know mine was. So hard I couldnt even think of trying for another til ds1 was 4!!

You had a shitty birth experience (as I did with ds1) and it really does affect you in many ways.

Babies pick up on stress and unhappiness...perhaps you son is picking up on the fact your are worried about your feeling for him??

You are doing amazingly well to be still expressing feeds at 4 months..well done. I gave bf both mine by 6 weeks

I would really recommend you DONT stay inside all day. Even if its only putting him in his pram and going to the shops....it will get you both out and get you some freah air.

I used to get out and about - sometimes 3 times per day - as staying inside with a poorly non feeding, non sleeping baby would have driven me insane. It nearly did anyway

Do you have a good realtionship with your GP/HV?? Perhaps you could have a chat to them about how you feel?

Honestly, you are doing so well. Please dont be so hard on yourself x

(Oh, and my ds1's first smile was at my FIL. And his first full 4oz feed (at 7 weeks old!) was from my mum so I can completely understand what you mean about feeling he doesnt want/like you. He does. You are the most important person in his life.)

oh, and I have not done baby massage ONCE since the class ended...and neither have any of the other mums

....and apart from ds1's health issues and crap care he received post natally, both my births were textbook. Noraml vaginal deliveries, albeit tore both times.

A 2 hour normal delivery with no stitches does not a make you a "good mother"!!! It makes you a bloody lucky one!!!

I am "good enough" mother. Its all I can be.

I know its hard but stop comparing yourself to others....its a recipe for either smugness or despair.
x

I haven't read all the other posts, but from all the things you mentioned in your OP it seesm more like I matter of perception rather than things you're actually doing being wrong!

Almost all the examples you give sound very familiar to me, and honestly I think I'm a good (enough) mother.

I've never done any baby massage at home, I get bored "playing" with ds and leave him to play by himself on the floor, I never put him on his tummy til he was about 5 months because he didn't like it (he can roll now at 6 months so it hasn't done him any harm), he often scratches himself and draws blood - in fact a new scratch was pointed out by a nursery nurse during a settling in visit at his new nursery yesterday, I hadn't even noticed

We're both still in pyjamas and there's always at least a couple of days a week we don't leave the house. And you're already doing better than me in that you've read your ds a story, mine is 2 months older and I haven't even shown him a book yet.

Oh and I dropped him off for his first visit at nursery yesterday and he didn't cry when I left, and barely looked up when I came back

You do sound like you might be a little bit depressed to me, maybe it's worth chatting to the GP/HV?

Thanks all for taking the time to post. It has really helped. RMCW you are right that babies pick up on stress, I can see my mood reflected in DS's face sometimes and that snaps me out of it, or I walk away.

So good to hear that I am not alone. Need to try to concentrate on me and DS and stop worrying about everyone else when half of them are probably exaggerating about accomplishments, lying about feeling wonderful all the time or omitting something with their own kids which I DO do!

BGC It is really important that you understand that! I remember one particular mum who used to reduce me tears EVERY week at baby clinic...her baby slept through from 6 weeks, didnt get colic, smiled at everyone etc etc etc.....she always looked at me with such pity/contempt imagine my surpirse a couple of years later when we were discussing having another baby...
"No way, ds in going to be an only...I'm not going through that hell again!"

The sad fact is some people make themselves feel better by making other people feel bad. I dont understand it, but it happens all the time.

One other point I would make is that, IME the mums that you meet at baby clinic/activities are not neccessarily people you would choose to spend time with were it not for the fact that you are all herded together by the simple fact you have dc around the same age!!!

You will probably not be in touch with any of these people in 2 years time so please dont worry yourself about what they think of you!!!!

Enjoy your lovely baby x

the mummyhood conspiracy - 10 things smug mums lie about (but would never admit without 5 glasses of chardonnay that is):

• baby massage practice at home. like flossing, you vow to do it religiously when in the dentist chair but it still sits in the bathroom untouched most of the year

• pelvic floor exercises - except maybe a couple of half hearted ones upon interrogation from a partcularly scary nurse

• getting used to exhaustion. nobody does. sleep deprivation is recognised universally as a severe form of torture for goodness sake

• post natal intimacy. swinging from the rafters is the last thing on your mind. unless your definition of alluring is bridget jones bloomers and greying nursing bras

• feeling a serene, mother earth sense of complete fulfilment 24/7. well only if your utopia comes in the form of stinky nappies and the smell of stale baby sick

• angel babies. they might seem cherub-like, placid and cutesy in classes but you can bet your bottom dollar they still poop up their backs and blow snot bubbles at some point

• not missing alcohol and turning to a life of post bfing sobriety. a glass or 3 of rioja can make most things seem better

• sleeping through from 2 weeks. well if your baby does it's at least courteous not to tell any other mums, unless you want shooting

• getting back into size 10 jeans. all hail elasticated waists and muffin tops. the waif look is so last season anyway - haven't you been watching Madmen?

• perfection. it doesn't exist (only in our misguided perceptions of other people's lives).

motherhood is challenging, exhausting, often thankless, relentless and frequently mundane. but we are the best mums we can ever be for our children - and that's more than enough, i promise you. don't doubt it, you're a great mum and, chances are, the seemingly smug mum opposite you in your next mums and babies session will probably be thinking the same :)

I really sympathise with you and would hope that you consider speaking to your HV or GP about your feelings towards motherhood to see if they can offer any advice on feeling a bit more positive about things.

Yes looking after a newborn can be mundane and extremely tiring but the underlying anger, feelings of rejection and the way you project adult emotions onto your son should concern you a little. These negative emotions seem to be to be beyond what could be considered normal for new mums and I think you should seek further help investigating them.

Aw BGC you are so right that people don't talk enough about how shit babies are. They really are. When I told people I was pregnant with my second, and people said to me "Aaaaah how lovely, a baby, that's wonderful" I'd think to myself that they were nutters because my experience with my first was that babies are utterly, totally crap. Of course when they smile it's gorgeous, and they make cute noises sometimes, etc. But those moments are entirely diluted by a sea of shitty nappies, crying, demands on your time, complete destruction of any sort of sleep pattern, and still they're sometimes unhappy and can't tell us why. You are not the only mum who's yelled at their baby. I believe most of us have or will at some point. It can be torture trying to meet their needs when sometimes they don't even know what it is they want.

The shitness is magnified further IMO for those of us who have had particularly challenging jobs - you're used to being in control, making decisions and seeing results, having responsibility which is generally fulfilling. Then suddenly you've got ultimate responsibility for the survival and happiness of what another MNer once eloquently described as a "random little animal" over which you have no control whatsoever.

Then you're faced with these beatific earth mother types who sail through it with a smile on their face and seem to actually enjoy surrendering themselves to it. It really rubs salt in the wound.

You know what though. With my first, at 4 months, I was at my lowest ebb. I too stayed home most days, doing nothing. I was completely miserable - not depressed, just miserable. But slowly, slowly it gets better. And it seems a lifetime away to you right now but once he starts to move around more (even the really fat ones do eventually!) and he has some words he can chunter at you, you will find it is the most fabulous fun ever. The mists of crapness will disappear and it will become truly joyful. Promise :)

I also meant to say that your commitment to expressing is really laudable and to be honest, the benefits which you are offering your son by doing this outweigh, by a considerable distance, any benefit he might get from baby rhyme classes or whatever. Really, that is a Good Thing and you should be very proud of yourself for your achievement. :)

doric - excellent post(s) and very true - I adore my kids and might appear to be reasonably earth motherish now, but 4 months on with no 1 and i would be pretty much in the same place as you are - except in those days maternity leave was much less so i could justifiably return to work at 5 months

hi,
You do sound like a warm, empathetic lovely mother.

I don't think it's right that your baby was pumped full of drugs because your waters broke early . It's a shame they took him away like that. I would say taking the baby away from the mother is a form of birth trauma, and there is a link between birth trauma and PND. Also, if a woman is angry about something (like the way she was treated during the birth) she often tends to turn the anger in on herself and it manifests in feelings of hopelesness or despair.
I've had PND twice. WHen you're in the thick of it it's like swimming through treacle.

I have to echo what everyone else has said. Your baby doesn't need baby massage or anything . ALl he needs is you. All he wants is to be with you. That's it.
I nearly drove my firstborn crazy taking her here there and everywhere, thinking it made me a better mother, when all she wanted to do was chill out with me at home.

You're doing fine