Have name changed, so ashamed of myself.
I had a crappy birth experience (40 hour labour, Special Care descended on the baby and pumped him full of drugs he didn't need because he "might" have had an infection due to my waters breaking so early. I went five whole days without more than an hours sleep as we were kept in hospital. I want to throw something when I hear of other women who manage to get their babies out without induction/forceps and in about six hours, then sit up in bed gazing lovingly at their little bundles. I was exhausted and just wanted my DS to STFU crying and for someone to take him away. Never really got over it.
Things got better, bonding took a LONG time and direct breastfeeding never worked for a variety of reasons, so I express all his feeds. It's the only thing I think I am getting right. He is happy, healthy and huge and now four months old.
But he doesn't really like cuddling me. It breaks my heart when he goes happily to his dad or to my smug MIL or to a friend of mine who he's seen once. I get a few mins of him in my arms before he wriggles, cries or tries to get away. Sometimes I get loads of smiles, sometimes despite nursery rhymes, singing, playing, feeding, cuddling, stroking, cooing I get absolutely fuck all. Someone else comes in the room and he lights up at them.
I do go out to baby groups which are fun, but everyone seems more put together and "into" their babies than I am. I have probed with questions like "but they are little sods sometimes, aren't they?" or "how do you get past the boredom?" I am pretty perceptive and good at reading people but they all look thrown by the questions and say that they go for walks, play etc and they are, genuinely, happy doing that, don't want to go back to work etc. I get bored to tears with him. I try hard to play with him/read stories but after ten mins I'm looking for an excuse to put him down and do something else.
He can't roll over, just lies there like a big fat walrus. I am getting cross with him and cross with myself because I have obviously failed and not given him enough tummy time.
I have taken baby massage classes and similar but can't be arsed to do the massages in my own time. Sometimes I can't be arsed to go for a walk with him or into town so we just stay in all day. How crap is that?
I cut his nails three times a week and he still managed to scratch himself badly yesterday and draw blood. I was so ashamed I nearly didn't go to babygroup.
I am just so tired all the time even though DS is sleeping through the night. He is a good, wonderful baby, and he deserves better than me. Sometimes if I have done everything to meet his needs (hungry, nappy, wind, cuddle) and he still cries I end up really shouting at him to shut up (say, once a week). I would never hurt him physically but he looks so shocked and cries harder, and I feel so guilty and ashamed. When he does later smile at me again I imagine that he secretly does not like me (why would he?) or that he is trying really hard to like me and engage with me because I'm the best he's got and I am just a complete bitch of a woman who should never have had kids. I don't know why I did actually, just didn't want to be alone in old age and it's something everyone else around me is doing.
My DH is wonderful in all ways, but he doesn't know the half of it and I could never tell him, fancy shouting at your own baby.
How can I be a better mother? Please help me.