Please help, I'm really not coping very well with life today

[IBlameThePenguins]

I'm not really sure what I'm hopinh tp achive by posting this, but I am sat at my laptop sobbing, while my DD is sat plonked in front of the TV. I hate crying in front of her, and it's the 2nd time I've done it in a week now. I'm a shit Mother.

I just feel so very unhappy and desperately lonely.

I hope you can talk to us here :)

I know the feeling, done that few times in the last few months...

In my case it was a combination of low self esteem and inability to break the circle of self blaming thoughts...

DO you know what causes it?
(I guess though if you knew you could address it...)

do you get enough uninterrupted sleep?

So sorry you're not having a good day, has something in particular happened today to upset you?

You're not a shit mother at all, everyone finds things difficult sometimes, don't blame yourself

Hello Penguins, I know how you feel, you are not a shit mother, as you care about your DD and what is happening with her. If I'm allowed to ask why are you so lonely? Is there anyone one RL you can talk to?

Oh hugs ( I know it's not the done thing here but a hug sometimes is the thing.)

Is there anything specific making you feel so miserable? Is it a combination or you just feel utterly dreadful for no reason you can think of.

Well your DD will be fine with her treat of TV watching. And there is nothing wrong in crying in front of her.. Does she cry in front of you? Thought so. Kids can take on board we feel tearful too. Just keep the hugs and cuddles going and tell her when you have stopped crying that you felt sad but it's not because of her - and more hugs..

Bet you are not a shit mother. A shit mother wouldn't care...

Oh Penguins, you do sound sad. Do you know what's making you unhappy?

Thank You so much for replying to my pathetic post.

I just seem to spend the whole time worrying that I'm a bad Mum, what people will think of me. I plucked up all my courage to try and take my little girl to Tumble Tots today, but spent so long trying to get my outfit right, so the other Mums wouldn't think I was too young, or whatever, that I left late, couldn't find the place and ended up coming home.

Sleep was terrible for a long time, but it has been much better in the last few months. I work 2.5 days a week, and hold it together perfectly, but then as soon as my days off appear I'm a mess. I have no support near by, and DP has to go away every other weekend, so it's just me and DD.

I think the low self esteem is definately a factor, and as you say, once I get into the cycle of thinking this way I find it almost impossible to break.

sorry- that just all seemed to spill out. thank you so much for taking the time to read /reply, and please excuse all my typos!

Not pathetic. We all have bad days.

How old are you and how old is your DD if you don't mind me asking? I just wonder why you think the other mothers will think you're too young.

Well done for trying to get to Tumble Tots. OK, you didn't manage it today, but having planned activities out of the house can really help.

Keep 'talking' to us, if it helps.

I really hope I don't sound patronising. I just remember when my son was two thinking that my longed-for days off were stretching out ahead of me and I wondered how I was going to get through the day.

You are being hard on yourself.

People don't really think about other people that much.. they are too wrapped up in themselves, probably wondering what other people think of them. So you have your head up high and smile proudly at your girl and you.

And I think getting out will help you. it's so hard to do, much easier to stay at home. Have you a good HV who can tell you about the activities in your local area. Try some out - if you don't like it then you try something else.

Soon Spring will be here and then the walks out with the buggy ( got a good local park?)are great - I met other mothers whilst buggy pushing at the park.

You will build up a support network. It's a gradual thing. And when your DP is there - you schedule in some YOU time. Go into town and have a coffee and cake on your own or go for a massage. whatever. Just something for you.

Little steps.... and you get through this.

If your Health Visitor is lovely - I'd have a chat with her. She's heard all this before ( probably from me) and she can help and be of assistance so you feel less lonely.

I have to go offline for a couple of hours now, but I will come back later.

If you keep posting, I'm sure others will be along too.

Sorry to hear you are so down Penguins. I think all mums cry some times, it doesn't make you a shit mum, just one who has feelings.

Can you go out for a bit, doesn't matter where to, library, a coffee, the shop, take your DD to the cinema? Is there a swimming pool nearby with a creche?

Try not to worry about what you look like. Gosh, I'd be in real trouble if people only ever spoke to me if I was looking smart. It's a huge achievement for mums to get anywhere fully dressed some days!

Thank You.

I'm not that young, I'm 25 (26 on Monday!) My DD will be 17months old on Monday. I think it's because when I wen to NCT,all of the other Mums were much older, mostly in their mid-late thirties and early fourties. They used to call me "the young one". I do have onle lovely friend from NCT, but she is, very sadly, moving away soon.

My pregnancy wasn't planned, and I didn't live with DP when I fell pregnant. I moved house twice, and he moved in when I was about 5 months gone. None of my pre-baby mates are parents, so are mainly out partying. I used to be pretty outgoing and gregarious, but now the very thought of entering a pub terrifies me.

I went through a spell of feeling like this when DD was about 7 months, and went to see my HV, she did the Edinburgh scale ( I think that's what it's called?) with me, and I think my score was 18. She didn't really provide me with much other support. I asked her to refer me to Homestart, but sadly my volunteer was very shy, and I ended up feeling like I wanted to help HER. She gave up being a volunteer after a couple of visits. I saw my HV a few months later, She re-did the scale with me, and I was back to being within normal limits.

There is a lovely cycle track near by, and I make sure DD and I get a good walk out in the fresh air for at least an hour every day. But even then, she tends to fall asleep in the buggy, so it's just me and my thoughts again.

I just feel so sad. Like it's suddenly gotten too much. It's funny though, as I think most people I see day to day would never guess. It feels so desperate.

Penguins - have you always felt like this or is it just since you had DD? Is there any chance you have PND?

Why don't you ring the person running TT and ask them to tell you where it is. The first time I went to our one, we'd not long moved into the area, I used the SatNav, it took me all around the houses for about 40 minutes and stopped in the middle of the woods and said 'you have reached your destination'... it doesn't change it's mind when you shout 'I have fucking NOT'!!! I eventually found the place (by asking a dog walker, a tractor driver and a nun (don't ask!!). When we left it was about a 7 minute drive from home on main road - fuck only knows what the sat nav was thinking - we had a few major fall outs, that sat nav & I!!

As long as you are clean and tidy, don't stress about how you look - if you have DD with you, no one notices anyway!!

Hi Penguins. Do you think it might be worth going back to your HV again? They might know of a local support group specifically for mums who feel a bit isolated and down or are coping with PND. There's one near me and it's been a lifeline as it's full of mums in the same boat - no one judges each other.

Sorry x-posted, started posting and then the post came, got distracted.... ended up posting after you!

Penguins - I thought you were going to be much younger! That's a lovely age to be a Mum, I would rip my right arm off to be your age again! I think you have taken it the wrong way when they call you the 'young one' - it's envy, not putting you down!!

I think you have gone through a lot in the last 2 years. You were young, carefree, having a lot of fun - then suddenly, pregnant, moving around, living with DP and responsible for another human being - but yourself some slack! It's a pretty big adjustment to make when it's planned!!

I would go to your GP. HV's are really variable in their quality and you may not have had a good one. He can test you and you can either get some meds to sort out the hormonal imbalance or you can come away with a 'clean bill of health' knowing that it's all just a matter of coming to terms with your situation etc I think it's important to rule out PND first though.

Have you tried going for the walk with DD as soon as she gets up from her nap - take a drink and a snack that she can have while in her buggy. It's great you get out for a walk each day though - I'm impressed!

What general area are you in?

I think you should brave up to going to toddler groups etc. They can be hell on earth the first couple of visits if you are a bit shy/insecure but if you say hello to people and have a bit of a chat without being too clingy all session you will eventually make some friends - even if it's only one or two. Then after a few weeks you can just say to one of them that you are taking DD to the park after - do they want to come with you... it's an easy way to connect out of the group without it being a big deal.

You sound really nice, I just think you need some friends to do stuff with x

no long till your dd will be in pre school and she is going to make lots of friends there

I know how hard it is to be alone at home with little ones - getting out is a good strategy, but Iunderstand is hard if there's little to do

have you checked your local college - there are fitness classes and some courses where they provide creche

by the time you are my age (44) your dd will be at uni :)

Sorry it's taken me a little while to reply - was just putting DD down for a nap.

ChippingIn, your post RE: the satnav made me literally lol, so Thank You very much for that!

I think it's probably a good idea to go to the GP. I had a traumatic birth, and needed an op when DD was 6months, as my epesiotomy didn't ever heal properly (sorry if TMI). For a long time I felt as though I'd "failed" at the first step of Mother-hood, and I think perhaps everything's gotten on top of me.

I definately need to "brave up" and go to some groups! I used to go to rhythm time - DD and I both loved it...such shame they've stopped running it.

Sometimes, I just feel like I miss my "old" life so much. I miss having lovely boobs (I still BF) and a flat tummy, and no eye bags. I miss being the sort of person that people wanted to be around...Most of all I miss lie-ins and doing things without planning all by myself...But then I feel so guilty for thinking that way. I love my DD, she truly is amazing, and I wouldn't really be without her. There are ladies out there who'd do anything for a lovely, healthy daughter, and I feel like I'm letting this lovely opportunity pass me by.

I don't know if any of that makes any kind of sense, but I am so very grateful to have a space to puy it down, and for all of the lovely replies.

Thank You for the hugs and sage advice.

I'm on the Isle of Wight by the way.

I swear that SatNav had it in for me! If there was a difficult way to get anywhere it would find it! Upside was finding backroads I would never have known existed

I hope you do make an appointment with the GP - just talk things through, ask for a double appointment and when the receptionist asks why just tell her it's personal.

I presume you haven't been on here very long? That is not TMI around here not by a longshot!! There are a few threads about 'birth stories' and how difficult births made people feel, I think it would help you to realise that how you feel, like you failed early on, is very, very normal. If you want to find them and can't let me know and I'll help you.

Lovely boobs, flat tummy, no eye bags, loads of fun - what's not to miss!! You'd be a bit mad if you didn't miss it!!! As I said, it's a lot to come to terms with when you plan a pregnancy, but when that's all ripped away from you without it being your choice - it's hard to come to terms with for a LOT of women. Of course it doesn't mean you don't love your DD, of course it doesn't mean you'd rather not have her - it just means you miss it and haven't had the opportunity to really adjust yet. It doesn't help that you don't really see your old friends much.

What's going on with DP? You were sort of thrown into living together and being parents. How has he taken to it? Is he doing his share? Will he happily stay home with DD so you can go out with your old friends? or does he seem to resent the position he's also found himself in, unplanned?

There are women out there who would kill to be in your position, 25, lovely, healthy 17 month old daughter and you are 'letting it pass you by' HOWEVER you have posted here, you are going to see your GP and in no time at all you will be making the most of it and enjoying your life!! Stick with us!! We are mad, opinionated & bossy - but caring x

How long have you lived on the Isle of Wight? Have you seen this website here

There seems to be a few toddler things to choose from the LoopyLou music one looks quite good.

I've no idea how near it is to you or what transport options you have though.

Hey, you know how I said we were bossy - I we are and a little overly helpful on occasion

I have just phoned Rhythm time and they are still doing classes on the IOW. They gave me the girls contact number.

I have sent you a PM with it!

(Yellow/Red flashing envelope at the top of the page if you don't know what a PM is!!)

I agree that it's highly unlikely the other mothers were judging you for your age - but just commenting because they wish they were that age. Or just for something to talk about...?

It's easy to assume that everyone else is confident and sorted. They are just as likely as you to feel a bit awkward at first.

I do think that age between 18 months and 2 is the most glorious age for children. They are so cute, and they develop so quickly, learnign new little tricks and skills all the time. IME it's the most rewarding time of being a parent. And you have all that just around the corner.

I totally understand that you miss your old life - do you ever get a chance to mix with your old friends, or is it hard to get a night off?

And yes, seeing the GP is a good idea. Have you talked to your DP about all this? Does he help you?

Oh ChippingIn! Thank You! I was going to the class ran by surestart before, which stopped, so that was really thoughtful of you!!Thank You!

DP has two other children from a previous relationship, which is why he spends every other weekend away. (Another reason I fear the other Mums may judge, though I'm not sure why...there are plenty of step-families around at the mo!) DP was a bit crap when I was pregnant, mainly due to feeling torn, i suppose. I felt pretty neglected, and very lonely (seems to be a theme!)I spent a lot of time wondering whether or not to leave him and "go it alone".

I spent a long lomg time telling myself not to love him, and we went through a really rough patch when DD was tiny. We are much better now. He is an adoring Daddy. He has always done his share at night time, and when he is at home, will get up with DD so I can spend some time under the duvet. He works long hours on the mainland, so we don't see as much of each other as I'd like, but he is a good bloke. He cares deeply for all of his children, but things with his ex P are a bit strained, which means he is under a lot of pressure, both emotionally and financially...sometimes I just feel like there's not enough room in his head to think of me too.

I definately need to addres my feelings surrounding the birth. I was recently my older sister's birth partner. She had a lovely labour, and perfect birth. It was amazing, but the next day I just sobbed and sobbed for what my baby and I didn't have.

I have been a member of MN for quite a while, but mainky as a "lurker"...and I mainly stick to the reasonably safe domain of chat!! Writing that OP today has been a god send though. Knowing there are such a caring group of people out there has really lifted my spirits!

Thank You for your very kind words and your practical help!

Penguins - it might be worth looking into the classes that LoopyLou is offering too as they are only £3 whereas iir the RR ones are quite a bit more. I guess it depends on transport costs as well.

With DP, there's a lot going on isn't there. But honestly, you need to learn not to give a flying fuck what anyone else thinks!! Your situation is hardly anything unusual these days!

Was he still with his Ex when you conceived DD or had he already left her?

Are you worried about their relationship when he is with his other children? Does he stay at hers or somewhere else?

Could his other children come and stay with you instead or at least every other access weekend?

I can see that he has a lot going on, but he has chosen to be with you and your relationship needs his time and attention as well. Either he's in the relationship fully or you live separate lives, so you can meet someone else and have a life with them, it's not enough just to be the mother of his child if you are in a relationship.

It's lovely that you were your sisters birth partner, but yes, it's clearly brought home to you what you feel you have missed out on :( I think it would be good for you to read those other threads.

It sounds really, really trite, but every day is a new day and whilst it's good (and important) to deal with the birth and the first few months of DD's life - it is very important to see that everyday is a new day and you can turn this around. Wanting to is the first step x

I think your DP thinks of you as his rock - it must be hard for both of you.
#new relationship, little baby, his 2 children - I am not surprised yo ufeel stressed.
I think as long as you are honest with yourself, able to talk about it - you are getting better. Your GP is going to suggest some help I am sure and in few months time you are going to feel much better.