Please help, I'm really not coping very well with life today

[IBlameThePenguins]

I'm not really sure what I'm hopinh tp achive by posting this, but I am sat at my laptop sobbing, while my DD is sat plonked in front of the TV. I hate crying in front of her, and it's the 2nd time I've done it in a week now. I'm a shit Mother.

I just feel so very unhappy and desperately lonely.

Hi, sorry I haven't replied for a while. I've been doing tea/bath/bed etc. Had a lovely story and song time with DD, which made me feel much happier. I do love that girl!

ChippingIn. I see what you mean. When we're both on top form our relationship feels fab, but sometimes he just seems so preoccupied. I did used to feel worried when he went away when I was pregnant. He stayed at her house a few times then and it bothered me a lot. I posted about it on here a the time. He doesn't do that anymore. In fact, his ex has a pretty controlling (IMO) new partner, and sadly, she barely talks to him at all anymore.

They most certainly were not together when we concieved DD. When we first met she had just left him. I kept him at arm's length for a while, and then we got together. After we got together she decided that she didn't love OM anymore and wanted him back, but by this time he had had enough of being pushed away and reeled back in.

Kayah, I think you're right about him seeing me as his rock. I think that is my role in the relationship, and also in many of my friendships - the two good Mum friends that I do have are really sadly going through break-ups, so that is very much my role with them. I definately don't begrudge them it, but sometimes I feel really drained, and feel like I have no one to talk to myself.

Some dyas I feel on top of the world, like I really have changed all of this around, but over the last few weeks the bad days have increased again :(

Thanks again for listening (reading).

Hi Penguins, I just want to say that you and I seem to be living a very similar life! I'm also 26 this year and DD is 14 months. I also struggle with feelings of no self worth, and although I had a very easy birth, my maternity leave was ruined by my workplace, and I felt like a failure of a mother all the way through it. I had to have several months off work due to PND, and still am not healed. I also beat myself up about being a young mum and feeling inadequate next to thirty something mums (even though I chose to have a baby at this age). I'm sorry I know I'm rambling but I guess what I wanted to say was that I know just how you feel and that if you ever want to have a chat or moan you can always pm me

Penguin - I wasn't judging you when I asked if he was with her when you conceived your DD, your earlier posts were a little confusing and it seemed possible - I was just trying to work out why his Ex was being so difficult :) It's a shame they aren't communicating very well now - it is so much better for the children when the parents at least try to get on

Is it possible for his other DC to come and stay with you?

Maybe you need to let the people who are leaning on you know that you need to lean on them too - you can prop each other up. You can't just keep taking on more and more of their issues without being able to deal with yours x

I hope you ring the baby music groups and find one for you and DD to go to - they do lift your mood (well not everyones but mine and I presume yours too as you enjoyed it before).

Try putting you and DD first and not making yourself so available to be burdened by the needs of others

xx

Pink - I remember some of your other posts. I'm pleased things are a bit better and I hope they keep getting better. I can't believe you feel like 'young' mums, I think mid 20's is a fabulous time to be a mum and I'd cut my arm off to be your age again I am sure any 'vibe' you get from 'older' Mums is purely jealousy!!!

I felt a lot like that when had ds. Had had a lot to deal with, completely lost confidence, thought I was dreadful mother etc etc. Gp referred me to counsellor. She used c b t style techniques which slowly changed how I thought about myself. Now expecting dc 3 and feel so much better than I ever have. Nothing really changed except the way I perceived situations and I thought it was all a load of rubbish to begin with.

Hope you have a good day today Penguins. Do you have anything planned?

I'm trying to decide what to do today myself. It's pouring with rain so outdoor activities are pretty much off the menu. DS (8) and I might go swimming. Does your DD like swimming and do you have a pool near you?

ChippingIn - sorry if I reacted a little OTT to your question. I can see why you might have thought that based on my earlier posts. I agree, it's such a shame that communication is so broken down between the pair of them. Dp does try, but sadly she will not engage at the moment. He is just trying to be as nice as possible in the hope that she'll "come round". I will definately call the music classes. I have also been for a drive and found where Tumble Tots is (I was SO close!) so I will be able to get DD and I there next week. I have also been on the phone to the nearest children's center, who are about to start running a Dad's group on a Saturday- I've put DD and DP's names down - it'll be nice to have some "time off" and nice for the two of them too.

Pink Thank You so muh doe taking the time out to post, it's really nice to hear that I'm not the only one...well obviously, it isn't nice to know that you've had a crap time too, but you know what I mean. Have you managed to make many "Mum-friends"??

little I'm glad to hear that you feel so much happier now. I would certainly rather try that route rather than medication. Looking back, I think my self-esteem has always been a bit rubbish, but I ahve always been able to throw myself into other things, whereas it seems to have over taken now (not sure if that makes much sense!?)

prudence we have had a really nice morning thank you. Woke up early and played some lovely games with the tea set, then we went to the 1st Birthday party of one of my colleagues children. It was nice to have a focus to the morning, rather than just kicking about in our PJ's for the morning, and getting dragged down by my own mood IYKWIM? I would love to take DD swimming. I used to be a total water baby. I have taken her a cuple of times when I was staying with my Mum, but I get SO worried about the thought of buying and then having to wear a swimming costume :(

Sorry this has turned into an essay, but I really am so grateful that you have all taken time to help me. :)

I also meant to add that one of the other Mums at the party has suggested that we all meet up with the babies sometime, which would be just lovely :)

Penguins :) When you are a bit low it is really good to have something to go out to, something you need to be on time for, it does stop you wallowing in your own mood too much and bringing yourself futher down. LOL at being so close to tumble tots - I so know the feeling!! At least you are sorted for next week!! DP is doing really well carrying on 'being nice' in the hope she comes around, it's the best way if you can. The Dads group is a brilliant idea, it will be nice for them and for you! If his other kids ever get to come and stay he can take them all .

As for the swimsuit - I am sure you look lovely in your swimsuit. I'd swap without even seeing you!! Everyone there will be so busy worrying about themselves they'll barely even see you, especially if you put DD is a really cute outfit!!

Penguins well done. You're taking some really positive steps.

Now about that mum who suggested getting together - you know, there's a good chance that she feels a bit lonely and isolated at times as well. She's reached out a hand of friendship and I really hope you take it.

If you want to go swimming, be brave about the swimming costume. Chipping is right - no-one cares. I am nearly five stone overweight with a huge arse and legs. I daresay that the thinner women take a quick glance and thank their lucky stars that they don't have my arse, but they're not looking at me IYKWIM, and it's only a glance. Sod it - I like to swim and so does DS. Maybe that is one small advantage of being an older mum - as you get older you learn that people really are much more interested in themselves than in other people.

I bet you look loads better than me and if you go midweek, the only people there are other mums with pre-schoolers.

Hi Penguins - I read your thread and really understand where you're coming from. The feeling that your 'old' life is gone forever and feeling a bit in limbo trying to adjust to a new way of being is v familiar.

I have PND (my ds is 6 months) - you may not have - as one MN once posted, every mum goes through some degree of trauma in adjusting to such a MAMMOTH change.

The most important thing is to realise that you're definitely not the only person to feel like this - MN is great for making you feel like a normal mum battling with all the challenges that come along with life with a wee one.

I have yet to meet a mum who doesn't have some feelings of guilt about thoughts/decisions they make. The key is to stop being your harshest critic and try to take one day at a time (always easier said than done).

Someone said to me - how would you treat a friend going through the same experience? I bet you wouldn't put her down and tell her to get a grip!?

Take care of yourself - always happy to chat if you want someone to talk to. You're not alone chick and you'll be fine.

Thank You Natsy. I think that's the really difficult thing - feeling like everyone else is wallowing in Motherhood, and loving every second, while I flail around trying to figure it all out. Seeing your words there "You're definitely not the only person to feel like this" makes the world of difference.

Also I think, when I do have a fab day with DD, and realise that she is worth all the saggy tums etc in the world, I then start to beat myself up about the times I cried, or the times I missed my "old" life. Does that make any sense? I need to address that. I spoke to DP on the phone last night, and for the first time ever I talked about PND to him, and how I need to address it. Just admitting that to him felt like a big step. I think we have both known, but it's always been a bit like the elephant in the room IYSWIM?

On the plus side, I have had a very positive weekend. One of my pre-beby friends lives on the island. I don't see her that much since I had DD, but last night her and her DP, who I've also known for 8 years turned up on my doorstep with a couple of bottles of wine and a Birthday cake. We made dinner together, and after DD went to bed we drank wine ate cake, and just chatted into the night. Then this morning we all met for brunch. Definately good for the soul.

DD has been a little star today, and instead of feeling terrible for all the times I've let life pass me by in the last 17 months, I tried really hard to just enjoy the day and not feel bad for the ones that have gone before.

DP and I both have a day off tomorrow for my Birthday - I think we will take DD to her morning session in nursery, so we can have a bit of time as penguins and Mrpenguins, and not just Mum & Dad, and then we'll pick DD up early and have a bit of family time.

I still feel guilty when I have a good day. I also feel scared. Scared of the next bad day, and scared that having a good day will make the next bad day worse...IYSWIM. I realise that might sound a bit like I'm rambling, but it's been such a relief to finally get all of these thoughts and feelings down. Since I wrote that OP the sense of relief has been massive. I hope it will be Ok to keep posting on here while I continue down this path. Thank You SO much to everyone who has posted.

Hi birthday-eve Penguins - sounds like you've had a nice weekend.

I totally understand how you feel on the good day/bad day thing. I have this silly thought that whenever I tell someone I'm doing well (or post sthg to that tune on MN), everything will change again and then I'll look and feel daft for thinking things would be different.

We pretty much talk ourselves into a corner desperately wanting the good days and then beating ourselves up for enjoying them so much that we really feel the magnitude of the bad days that can follow. And we also rationally see how ridiculous we are being and yet we are somehow unable to step out of it and do things differently. v contrary.

From a positive POV it's made me really passionate about helping other mums in the same situation and setting up a self help group (I'm turning into a tub thumper!)

Keep posting and talking to your DP/close friends/MNetters etc as it really does help and gives you the sense of relief you describe. Also, feel free to direct message me if you ever need to just let stuff out...it's good for the soul :)

Thank You Natsy!

Your third paragraph is exactly what I was trying to say...you are much more articulate than me!!

It's funny, a large part of my job involves supporting parents - not always parents who are struggling, but lots of them will tell me they are struggling - if they do tell me that I will refer them on to family/ parent support, help them to access children's centers etc etc and help them out in any way I can think of. It's so easier to help others than yourself sometimes isn't it...It's like what you said about what you would tell a friend in this situation.

How do you feel now Natsy? (if you don't mind me asking). Do you have more good days than bad? Have you made many "mum-friends"? So sorry if I'm bombarding you with questions - feel free to tell me to mind my own business!!

Thanks again for helping me to feel more "normal" (or at least less alone!)

x

Penguin - I'm glad you talked to MrPenguin and that you have had a nicer weekend.

Of course it's OK to keep posting - we want to know how things are going. I want to know if you make it to TT this week :)

Have a lovely Birthday tomorrow :)
x

Lurker here but wanted to say Happy Birthday! You have inspiredm me to get off my arse and start going to a new group as we've not done since I finished mat leave and also to invite an acquaintance with her son to DS's birthday, as she seems nice. Thank you.

Happy Birthday to you. Hope today is a good one for you.

Just wanted to add a comment about the swimming thing. I had the same fear about getting myself into a swimming costume and allowing people to see me (I'm a lot bigger and wobblier than I used to be).
It really helps me to remember that the worst that can happen is someone thinks I'm a bit fat.

No one will point, no one will laugh, no one will think me a bad person, no one will say anything.

Just go for it, once you have done it once you will feel so much better.

Hope you enjoy your birthday penguins - I've sent you a direst message as am conscious of hijacking the post! :)

Happy birthday Penguins. Hope you had a good day

Yes, keep posting. It's so easy to look at other mums and think they're breezing through - because you're only looking at a snapshot of their life.

This is what I meant about the mum at the party who suggested you get together. For all you know, she's feeling like crap most of the time.

I was desperate for my baby (IVF) and I felt very guilty on the days that I struggled with him. I had anxiety and then depression from DS being around 2. One of the feelings that really highlighted for me (and the GP) that I had depression was the fact that I wasn't enjoying my little boy.

I realise your situation is quite different, but just wanted to let you know that you are very definitely not alone in your feelings.

Thank You all for the continued support - and also for the Birthday messages! I have had a really lovely two days. I was presented with an envelope from MrP and DD, with an appointment card to have my hair done and the money to pay for it...all I had to do was turn up today, and drink tea! Money is a bit tight at the minute, so I was in desperate need of a haircut, but didn't think I'd be able to get one anytime soon. He'd booked for me to have my colours done too, so after 26 years of being a blondie, I am now a brunette!!

Tricky How lovely...I don't think I've ever been referred to as an inspiration before :D Hope the new groups are fun!

chocoholic I like your way of thinking RE: the swimming cozzie thing. I think I will mail order the costume (as that's the bit that REALLY scares me!)and then I will try really hard to pluck up the courage to go...I will have to have your words as a mantra I think
"No one will point, no one will laugh, no one will think me a bad person, no one will say anything" over and over til I'm in and hidden!

prudence One of my Mum friends said to me once "It's OK for you...you're doing really well" so I see what you mean about the "snapshot". I don't have a number for that Mum at the party, but I saw a mutual friend today (the lady whose son's party it was)and she is going to text her to arrange a date. Now I just have to make sure I don't get cold feet and make a rubbish excuse at the last minute.
While I can't possibly know how difficult it must have been to long for a child, and then go through IVF and all it enatails, I think I can kind of relate. When I was pregnant and things were bad, I used to talk to my bump, tell her that I could not wait for her to be in my arms, and that I was going to be the very best kind of Mummy I could possibly be. So now I feel even worse for the bad days. I longed to have her in my arms, and wanted to be her "perfect Mum" On a good day I love every second, and savour it all...but on a bad day (and I have NEVER admitted this to anyone, not in RL or otherwise, so I'm sorry if it sounds awfully horrid) I wake up, and count the hours 'til nap time. Then after nap-time I count the hours 'til bedtime. That's terrible isn't it. It's almost like I'm some kind of Jekyll and Hyde Mum (If that makes any kind of sense).

Chipping I am so determined to make it to TT...Today I did another recky to find the best place to park. We WILL go! I keep on telling myself your wise words...Today's a new day and you CAN turn this around (as cheesy as that may sound- it seems to be helping!)

Thanks ladies...isn't MN a wonderful place!!

natsy Thanks so much for your lovely PM. Have replied :)

Hi Penguins,

I'm probably a bit late with this post but hopefully you'll see it!

I am the same age as you, and I also struggled a lot with the shock of being a mum. I really missed my old life and really felt that I was disconnected from my old friends because after seeing them I knew they could go home, relax and have a good nights sleep!

Eventually it got too much so I went to the GP who prescribed ADs. Hopefully you won't need them- but they have helped me. I'm now starting to enjoy life again, but I do still have the odd day where I can't face the prospect of a day alone with the baby.

I also had a difficult birth and I think that can really contribute to the way you are feeling. Also- when you are pregnant there is so much expectation of how happy you'll be when the baby comes that if you don't feel over the moon then you worry.

Don't beat yourself up. Have a cry, get out as much as you can - I found walking round the shops really helped.

I know exactly how you feel and you are really really not alone

XXX

Thank You Alice. I'm so glad I posted here...So nice to know I'm not alone after all!

I know exactly what you mean RE: the old friends...at times I really begrudge them of their lie-ins!!

I haven't contacted my GP yet...but I will. It just feels like such a massive step at the moment. Your comment about walking round the shops made me giggle...When DD was tiny, it seemed to rain for months, and I was so desperate to get out of the house that I used to take her to B&Q...We'd wonder round and round there for ages, very rarely buyinbg anything at all...I could direct you round that B&Q in my sleep now!

xx

PS-chipping We made it to TT! xx