Is the depression coming back or am I just knackered/ fed up?

[BoredCommuter]

I've had depression 3 times in my life, only diagnosed in the last period, but looking back I see the similarities with the previous 2 episodes. I'm trying to work out whether I'm heading for a 4th spell, or if this is just normal tiredness/ grumpiness etc.

I've been feeling increasingly down in the last few weeks, not sleeping brilliantly, lacking motiviation to get things done, and increasingly short tempered with everyone and everything.I certainly never used to be this short tempered. And I've started wanting to cry a lot more often. I'm not as depressed as I was the last time, at that point I used to try and work out how I could crash my car so i would only break my leg, but then could get siigned off work for several months.

I'm trying to work out if this is the beginning of depression or a reaction to everything else. I have a difficult and demanding job, where I feel I am struggling a bit at the moment, and manage a reasonably large team of high maintenance people. I have 2 very demanding bosses, for whom the work never seems to be good enough. I have a long commute and get up very early in the morning to get to work (I am on a train just before 6), so that makes me tired. DD is the love of my life, she is amazing, but just entering the terrible twos with vengance, (I've got 2 big bite marks on my leg), and I feel bad that I won't spend enough time with her. DH and I are like ships passing each other in the night, we both have difficult jobs and spend too much time working.

But I can't tell if I'm just feeling grumpy and fed up about the commuting/ job/ knackeredness or if this is the beginning of depression? I'm wondering whether to do to the doctor, or if would be wasting her time and should just pull myself together and I'll get over it. Although just writing this down is making me think maybe I should go and see her

poor you

your day to day life sounds a bit like mine

you know what your post screams to me? you feel you have no control

take charge of something - apply for a few day's leave (make up an emergency if it's not something that's going to be easy - you need a break) and do what YOU want. I suspect you don't know what that is, but at least give yourself a bit of space.

One thing about running your life like you do is that you don't give yourself time to think about how YOU are doing. Then you stop, momentarily, like you have done and it all catches up with you a bit too quickly. Sounds like you might be running away from something.

I don't really know what to suggest but take care. Have you thought of counselling? Perhaps just being able to take out the time out to talk to someone would be helpful?

I also think that when you run your life at 100mph, you need to learn the early signs of stress/depression/anxiety.

I'm lucky enough not to have had depression but I know one of the signs of me being super stressed is not being able to read a book (for several days in a row). I know that sounds odd but when my mind can't settle, I can't settle enough to read. I know then that I need to start taking it a bit easier.

Look for your signs and make sure you take action straight away when they come. Sounds like you are quite in tune with your signs but just worried about acting on them.

Fox, thanks for you post, the thing that struck me was the thing about the book, before I had DD I used to read about 2 books a week (my waterstones habit was crippling :)) not long after I returned from mat leave I got moved into this role. Since then I've hardly read a thing because I can't concentrate for long enough. When I'm on the train now I play games on my phone, catch up with e-mails on my Blackberry, but it's not relaxing.

Days off sound good, we have mega deadlines in the next 2 weeks (I'm meant to be working now, but have decided I'm not working on Saturday, part of my lack of motivation), btu might try and get some time off after that.

Everytime I go and see my doc she seems keen to sign me off for stress, i'd been there for IBS issues, contraception and even some cream for DD's skin

I'm not sure where tiredness/stress/exhaustion ends and depression begins, but I know that what you're describing - for me - would be real signs to take a step back and take some time out for me. If I don't do that, then more serious depression begins, which is harder to get away from.

If you can, just take a couple of days holiday (whilst your dd is still in childcare) and focus on doing things just for you - sleep, a bath, reading etc. Then when you have a bit of space maybe you'll be able to see whether your current job stress level is do-able or not?

yes that's exactly what I do Bored. I can't concentrate long enough so I do emails or piss about on my phone (or might try and solve a puzzle in the paper). Things that don't take longer than 10-15 mins.

I think it's an early sign that you need to take a step back. It's not easy though I know.

Have you tried meditation (I know it sounds a bit mad but it can work)?

Weirdly I rang my sister early this morning about the same thing!

Stressing that all my symptoms are returning. Am in a totally differnt life to you but feel the same.

Have decided to go and see my doc monday and explain all (hopefully without blubbing!). REALLY dont want to go back on anti deps but will say all that and just ask for some monitoring support.

Maybe you should go and have a few days off, forget the deadlines, because if you leave it too long it may turn into weeks off not days if yswim.

Take care x

Boredcommuter - I think you should listen to what your body/mind is telling you and take action to prevent spiralling down into a depressive episode. Your schedule sounds punishing and you don't seem to have a proper work/home life balance. Sorry to say this but it sounds to me quite likely that another depressive episode is waiting in the wings (so to speak) I am not a medic of anysort but I have had 2 severe episodes of depression and know the signs.

I think maybe you are trying to talk yourself into the notion that this is just "ordinary" grumpiness, but you are listing one or two of the major symptons, bouts of crying, difficulty with sleep, irritation etc. Whether it is another episode on the way or not I think you should let your GP sign you off with stress. Something tells me the kind of job you have, you would not like others to know you are stressed but until those of us who suffer depression can be "out" about it, the stigma will never lessen in any way.

You need to STOP - and take some time off to just be (assume your DD is in nursery or c/M) so you could have some time for yourself, and that may be restorative and prevent a further episode. I think if you carry on as you are, things will get worse.

There is a very good book called "Depression the Curse of the Strong" (unfortnately can't remember author but he is a Dr) I'm sure you will find it on Amazon. A friend gave it me as it had been previewed in the Guardian. He is firmly of the opinion that depression is caused by stress/doing too much/pushing ourselves further than is good for us etc. I'll post again when I can find the book and give youthe author.

Really hope you will go to your GP asap and get signed off for 2 weeks and see how you feel at the end of that time.

Well, I've just had a big breakdown all over DH, which I feel better. I've decided to go for a run which should make me feel better. Then do my work this afternoon. I need to get through to about 9th Feb with work, then I might go to GP. One of the other issues about being at home is that we have a nanny for DD (please don't flame me for it, it works for us and DD is a very happy, confident 2 yr old), but being at home is slightly awkward, but I'm sure we can find a way round it

Exercise certainly helps to lift mood - have just come back from a 60 minute walk (too old to run!) Why should anyone flame you because you have a nanny - I think this is a far better arrangement than a day nursery, which is so institutionalised. See what you mean about it being awkward - you could rest/read/Mn in your bedroom (you'd need to explain to nanny) and then take yourself off for a run, swim/sauna etc and maybe visit friends..........as you say I'm sure you will find a way round it. Hope your DH is sympathetic, must be as it has made you feel better. I think you have been holding in for too long about how you are feeling -not a good idea.

Hope you get to GP and get signed off and also get some meds.

Boredcommuter - your life style is seriously draining you. It sounds unsustainable, pushed too hard at work, no physical rest, not enough time with dd and not seeing dh, plus no doubt all the chores when you re not actualy at work.

I've stepped down from being a manager in a law centre managing 6 other lawyers to supporting a team of lawyers in a legal/admin role. Paycut yes, regrets no.

I had to do this for my own health, PTSD is a bugger to combine with work stress, but it has been better for all of us. And because I'm still working in my profession and keeping my qualifications up to date there is a way back.

Could you take a step back?

And good for you having a nanny if that wotks for you - people who don't like it can go on their bikes..

My ds combines mainstream nursery and special school and he loves that, he'll be 3 on Tue.

Boredcommuter - I really feel for you - it sounds like a huge balancing act, teetering and wobbling. Talk about plates spinning in the air.

I think there is some really positive advice on here so far. Definately need to look at your work life balance and options for more support in your role if you are working at the weekend - it's meant to be a re-charge time, down time for you and your family.

I completely identify with you and what you are going through, change a few details and you could be me. Before I fall asleep, I dream up hair brained schemes to help me escape from the life I have. I also envy my grandmother's generation, I'd like to be a housewife rather than a housewife with a full time job.

Right, just back from a 5.5k (ish) walk/ run, it took a while, at times i was singing along loudly and embarrasingly to the black eyed peas, but I did it. And I do feel better for it. I have trouble fitting regular exercise into my week, the only chance I get to go Monday-Friday is to the gym at work at 7am, and strangely I don't feel like doing that all that often.

LeChat - I know what you mean about hair brained schemes, most of mine involve winning the lottery, but there are a few that involve running a vinyard somewhere near Bordeaux as well.

My comment about nanny flaming just followed on from some poor woman being flamed for it on AIBU. I was talking to people at work about how sometimes I feel like some character out of Downton Abbey running a household as I was having big issues with my nanny and my cleaner for a few weeks, but then I get don't get to swan around Highclere under a parasol and look at Hugh Bonville (right must find hair brained scheme for that)

madmouse - happy birthday to your DS

Arrggghh, it's 9.39pm, I've done about 6 hours work and am no where near finish, I've tired, have a headache and have cried on DH several times. (But have also done 6 hours work, run (sometimes) 5.5km, cooked a roast dinner)so i have to focus on the positive. I'm going to do another 30 mins then call it a night

Yes, focus on the positive. It's been shown many times to help good mental health. Or count your blessings as my gran used to say!

Author of 'Curse of the Strong' book is Dr Tim Canterford. He is a psychiatrist. Its very good - can get it on amazon.

Kizzie, thanks for that I'll have a look for it.

Today is one of the days that makes me wonder if it's just a bad day. I've had a really long day at work, but am feeling OK. I got loads of work done, and am pleased with the quality, so am feeling sort of tired satisfaction, so this is what makes me wonder if that last week and especially the weekend were a phase.

Maybe, but certainly a warning sign to slow down a bit! I often find I feel a bit like this, and it's often when I'm fighting off yet another lurgy the children have brought home - no real illness symptoms but just totally wiped out and unable to cope. Either way, your body is telling you to take a rest - getting it all off your chest probably helped too. Glad you're feeling better

Boredcommuter - have you tried using the Pomodoro technique when working? I use it as I'm studying a lot, and it really helps me to stop getting fatigued, and stop using the internet too much.

I don't have much else to add to the already very good advice you've got on here. But I do wonder about your reluctance to visit your GP - what's that about?

Never heard of the pomodoro technique, I'll have to look into that. The reluctance to see the gp is coming from a worry that she will sign me off work, but I really don't want that to happen. It would go down like a lead balloon at work. I'm also worried about one of my bosses, she is clearly stressed to, so I feel guilty about the possibility of leaving her in the lurch, especially if I'm just tired and grumpy (which lots of people on my team are) and not depressed.

The not seeing the gp also comes from issues to do from years ago about not wanting to bother people and just getting on with things (I've had some counselling on this was it was related to PTSD issues after dd was born).

Having middling day today, don't want to cry, not too short tempered, bit do have the concentration span of a goldfish with concentration issues. Not good when I'm doing a 2 hr presentation/ q and a and I'm the main presenter.

Google the pomodoro technique. It works wonders for me when I can't concentrate at all.

I don't think your GP can force you to be signed off work?

What is the worst thing that could happen if you were signed off? You can't keep pushing yourself because other people at work are also at the end of their tethers. Your work sounds like there is a culture of pushing yourselves - I know what that is like, it's the same for me too, and it's VERY hard to admit defeat, especially when others around you just keep on going all the time. But sooner or later you are going to have to put yourself and your own needs first. It sounds like you are on a treadmill - who wouldn't want to get off? Depression often stems from feelings of not being in control, of being helpless. It does sound like you feel trapped by your current circumstances, and as though you also perhaps have some issues around feeling as though you are not worthy of being cared for yourself.

I hope you can take some time for yourself soon, take a step back, and perhaps think about where you want to be in the long term. If working in this way is going to help to achieve something you want in the long term, it might help to keep that in mind whilst your working. If it's not, perhaps you need to be a bit more honest with yourself about what you're doing and why?

Lastly, it doesn't matter if depression happens spontaneously, for no apparent reason, or is induced by living an unnaturally stressful lifestyle. Depression is depression, whatever the cause.

Well looks like mn was right, two days later and I'm feeling dreadful again. I'm going to see if I can get a docs appt and start getting some help. A mildly disappointing morning with a bit of a telling off from my boss, and a disappointing weight loss (am doing ww) and I feel completely helpless again.

The company I work for is not normally a difficult, pushy one, but I am on one of the most high pressure teams in the place so it's tough, and I'm knackered and at the same time having to support my team who ate tired and stressed at times ( but all seem to work shorter hours than me) and take as much as I can off one of my bosses who has too much to do

Oh no . It sounds like you are trying to be all things to all people - not feasible in the long run. Why do you have to support your whole team including your boss? Surely its your boss's job to shoulder some of the strain? Sounds like you need to look at drawing some boundaries around what you can and can't do (and start saying no!) - don't fall into the typically female trap of trying to help everyone and not helping yourself.

A trip to the docs is also a good idea, and brilliant that you recognise that, but looking at some of the underlying causes can only help in the long run.

Also, if you're on a diet, low blood sugar can really mess with your emotions - make sure you're eating healthily not just starving yourself (although I've done WW in the past and think its pretty sensible)

Thank you for all the support, I've made an appt with the GP, it's not for a couple of weeks as they are having a computer upgrade so it's only emergency appts for a couple of weeks.

Today has been completely up and down, I feel dreadful and like I want to cry before I get on with things, but once I do the reality is never (usually) as bad as i think it is. Since coming on here I've become a lot more productive as I'm not just mulling things over, but trying to get on with things when I can. But I still have my moments, was on the verge again this evening when DD wouldn't go to sleep and it was taking forever, and all I could think about was all the work I had to do this evening, and that the kitchen needed cleaning, and I wanted a bath.

I just wanted to add I had a look on amazon at the curse of the strong book, it looks really good so I'm going to order it