How can I overcome my fear of driving?

[GetDownYouWillFall]

This probably sounds ridiculous but I have this fear of driving that I just can't seem to shake. At first everyone told me it was just a confidence thing and eventually it would be like second nature.

It's over 10 years since I passed my test now and am still terrified every time I get in the car.

I can just about cope with familiar journeys now (e.g. my journey to work) but still dread it and have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

It gets embarrassing making excuses as to why I can't go to people's houses, and asking them to come to mine all the time. There are a few friends' houses I will drive to, but even though I've been there loads of times I still use the sat nav because I'm terrified of getting lost or having an accident.

Another friend has invited me over to her house - not been before - it's over half an hour away and am already freaking myself out about it a bit. To the point it's disturbing my sleep. I know that is so ridiculous DH made me drive there yesterday with him to have a "practise run". It went ok, but I still don't want to do it.

What is wrong with me? Why do I get so scared? I can't just seem to "get in the car and go" like most people do. I get so worried about route planning before hand in case I get lost. I also get really fearful about not being able to park once I get there. If there is ever a diversion or road closure it sends me into a panic.

Has anyone got any tips to overcome this? I have thought about giving up driving, but this seems such a cop out and it is a useful skill to have and I know I need it to drop DD places, get the shopping etc.

I have heard advice such as "feel the fear and do it anyway" is this the approach I should take? I just hate feeling so anxious about it all the time

You have to talk yourself into a "what's the worst that could happen?" state of mind. If you get lost, you will rely on maps and/or sat nav to find your way again.

If you can't find a parking space then you may have to wait a bit longer and be slightly delayed. These are not life changing problems.

Have you considered booster lessons to promote your confidence? A driving instructor will help you confirm you are able to drive.

You could also think about taking a defensive driving course which helps you consider hazards and how to deal with them, beyond a normal driving course.

Your username implies this is a habitual reaction to stuff.

Truly, it makes no sense.

I would bet you that if one of your children was desperately ill in the back of the car, and your route to A&E was througfh motorway roadworks, across a city one way system and through single track country lanes with tractors coming towards you, you would bugger your way through and arrive sweating, but in one piece with an undamaged car.

I'm sure there's all sorts of approaches, but surely it's like anything difficult, you start smnall and expand.

So a journey every day of 1/2 mile more 7 more? random directions just to enjoy the scenery? just get yourslef used to it?

I can totally emphasise, I didn't drive for 10 years either, but inherited a car last year and have started again.

I actually think it's a sensible phobia to have: if you're going to be frightened about something, it may as well be about the riskiest thing that you do. That said, i have made serious progress. I still can't go on dual carriageways or motorways (and maybe never will), but I can now drive most days without palpitations. And although I haven't been able to afford one just yet, I hear a Tomtom or savnav is an excellent way to deal with the getting lost problem.

Good luck! If I can do it, you can!

thanks for replying scurryfunge I know you're right. Thing is, the "what's the worst that could happen?" just doesn't seem to work for me, because I can think of lots of hideous scenarios that really would be terrible and that just seems to make it worse. Eg. having an accident and DD being in the car and getting hurt.

I did have some refresher lessons a few years ago but TBH the instructor was a bit just said, you can drive, happy motoring. I was all for booking more lessons, and he just said that's it, you need to get on with it.

Re. the parking it's also a fear of people laughing at me. Once I was reverse parking into quite a tight space and unfortunately it was just the time when schools were finishing. A group of teenagers hung around and watched me and laughed as I got progressively more and more flustered . Blimey it was so horrible, it ruined my day and I couldn't stop thinking about it all evening/

I've only had one minor crash (happened in a car park and no one hurt), but even now the memory of it makes me shudder and it gave me terrible insomnia for weeks after it happened

I wish I was just like everyone else - get in the car and go. It seems to hold me back e.g. jobs I would like to do, that seem really interesting, but involve a lot of travelling - I just wouldn't apply for.

I had/have this to some extent, though I'm fine once I'm actually in the car.

What helped for me was 2 refresher lessons (because the area I live in now is much busier than where I learnt).

Also try not to focus on not being like other people. The truth is everyone has worries about getting lost, etc. It's normal to be worried about that sort of thing. I found the Helen Kennerley (not sure if that's how you spell it) book "Overcoming Anxiety" very useful. It explains that the 'fight or flight' instinct is normal but that in some people it's exaggerated. Once I stopped trying to get rid of the worry and focused on controlling it I got loads better.

thanks also to recetobed and catinthehat x-posts whilst I was replying.

I know you're right catinthehat I just need to get over it. Yes if my DD needed to get to A&E I would manage it somehow. Don't quite know how though.

I have never driven on a motorway

recetobed thanks for empathising I'm glad you don't think I'm totally ridiculous. It's great to hear that you've overcome your fear - or at least are in the process of overcoming it - well done you. I do have a TomTom and it's useful but still doesn't take away the fear.

Oh and this sounds awful but I find it helps to criticise everyone else's driving . So as I'm going along I'm usually saying "Yeah, don't bother indicating, everyone else on the road is psychic. Oh yes, stop there, don't worry about anyone trying to get past you."

thanks craftynclothy I suppose I do need to focus on controlling the anxiety rather than the driving itself. I know I CAN drive. But I just can't cope with the anxiety it gives me.

Even now, sitting here, with no need to get in the car and go anywhere I have got sweaty palms just thinking about it.

Perhaps invest in an anxiety self help book or maybe even hypnotherapy.

yes crafty there truly are some terrible, inconsiderate drivers out there.

On my practise run yesterday, I was going at 60 miles per hour on a SINGLE carriageway, and some idiot had the cheek to OVERTAKE me!

Some people have no sense of risk - do they just not care that they might crash into oncoming traffic and die instantly???

I bought an automatic car. It made the world of difference. It's by no means a beauty or a thing of speed but it feels safe and I don't have to worry about the actual driving bit if you know what I mean.

I'm still not over it at all but feel a bit better. For me, it's all about my state of mind before I drive. If I'm feeling capable, and OK the drive's OK. Also, 9/10 times the fear subsides a little when I'm in the car.

I try driving at quiet times too. So like arranging to see friends on a Sunday morning etc.

Hi

I haven't seen you around in ages?! Have you been having a break or have we just been on different boards? Anyway, it's nice to see you :)

Well, my Mum was a bit like you - not quite as bad I don't think, as she will happily do local journeys but sees anything else as very stressful. One day I said to her 'What is the very, very worst thing that could happen' and she said the things you said - but when we really talked about each thing she could see how silly/unlikely they were. Things like parking etc you wait until there is an easy space or park further away.

Would DH or a friend do this with you and really really drill down to the root of it with you?

As for the teenagers laughing - you just have to say think - I can't wait until you are learning to drive you bunch of little fuckwits brats.

One other thing to consider is going for some phobia counselling - apparently it works quite quickly so it shouldn't be too expensive and cheaper than more lessons (even cheaper than too many practise runs).

Your DH sounds lovely and understanding.

When you are nervous you see danger where is doesn't really exist as well - so perceive the roads to be more dangerous than they are.

I developed a terrible fear of driving after suffering a panic attack in the car and avoided it for quite a long time despite the fact I had been driving for years.
Best advice - do it everyday. A little bit at a time- I started by driving round and round in an even increasing circle so even if I had a panic attack I could get home.
You have to start to get used to the driving so it becomes second nature and then you stop thinking about it IYSWIM.
Make yourself get into the car and drive somewhere even 5 mins at first - near at first and then further and further. I reassured myself by saying if I got stuck or lost or panicky I could just pull in, calm down and worst case scenario phone a taxi. You will try to put it off but honestly a little bit everyday will do wonders for your confidence and that's all you need. Put a cd on that you really love and go for it. I found loud tuneless singing helped. Good luck.

GetDown - I had the same problem as you. Utterly hated driving. Feared it even.

My solution? Give back my driving licence and live in a town near good transport links. Stop making excuses. Just tell people you dont like driving and refuse to be bullied.

My DW does not drive either and we have a very nice life, save pots of money and never have to worry about having a drink. We dont cadge lifts of drivers either. We get taxis, buses and trains.

We always ask what people think they will do when too infirm to drive. We just (after much effort) persuaded PILs to stop driving at age 75 as they were dangerous.

There are quite a few MNetters who dont/cant drive. You are not alone.

thanks toeragsnotriches I actually have an automatic Someone recommended them to me and I have found my auto a great help. Just knowing I can't stall it, doesn't roll back on hills etc. is great. I'd hoped it would solve my fear, but it hasn't unfortunately Glad to hear that you are much better and feel safe in yours.

Waves to chippingIn Yes I am still around, tend to hang around mental health and conception at the moment, but have a look at chat from time to time. Thanks for your advice. Had to smile about your advice re. the little teenage tikes You're right, I should have just had that attitude and thought "now forget it"

DH really IS lovely and understanding. Perhaps he is not harsh enough with me. Any long journeys he always does the driving because he knows it stresses me out.

It's so true what you say about when you are nervous the roads seem more dangerous than they really are. On my drive to work, I feel calm and confident even in relatively tricky, complicated road situations. It's mainly unfamiliar journeys where I feel the fear the most

thanks paddypoopants it's great you made yourself overcome it well done Good idea, but the thought of making myself drive everyday makes me shudder. I know that in most cases I could pull in somewhere, but what if it was on a really busy road, or a very fast road? I've never (thank goodness) actually had a panic attack whilst driving. I do think I'm actually quite a safe driver but it's the thought of it beforehand that gets me in such a state.

Beenbeta do you know what? That is exactly how I feel sometimes!! Fact is we did used to live in a place with fantastic public transport (Brighton and Hove) and where really there was no need to have a car. It was great/ I got the bus to work and the buses were every 5 mins. It was so easy.

Then my DH got a job somewhere far away and it is quite a rural county and the transport is rubbish All the towns are very spread out, and it's fine if you want to get somewhere, say, at 7:20am on a tuesday as long as you don't need to come back the same day. So upset when I realised I had to get a car Ideally I would be like you, but just can't at the moment. I have told some close friends about my fear, as some are understanding and come to me, but some just don't understand it at all and are a bit

The source of my fear is also in finding it difficult to deal with the complexity of driving. I am absolutley fine driving very complex vehicles. What I cant do is deal with other drivers and find my way at the same time.

Another MNetter who also hated driving told me she had Dyspraxia and made her functionally unbale to handle driving. You may find this link for the Dyspraxia Foundation helpful about the difficulty people have with driving who have that condition. You may also find this blog post helpful in explaining how Dyspraxics find it hard to avoid getting lost and how to deal with it.

You could well have a very mild form of it and not know. I have no idea if I am mildly dyspraxic but those two articles ring a lot of bells. I get lost walking if I cannot see landmarks.

Thanks for the links BeenBeta - very interesting. I don't think it's a coordination problem for me, as I actually can drive ok and the physical manoevering of the car is ok for me, it's just the fear of crashing / parking / getting lost etc. that is my problem.

Totally relate to that. Can know a route back to front but still worry about the unknown/uncontrollable. And still freak out if something's parked in a place that makes my drive a little harder or something.

Yes toeragsnotriches me too! And cyclists, arrggh I panic if I see a cyclist esp on a country lane where it's hard to get past as there are lots of bends in the road and poor visibility.

I really hope that someone can help you get over this but if all else fails remember DRIVING IS NOT COMPULSORY.

Like BeenBeta says - it's perfectly possible to live a happy, fulfilled life without ever getting behind the wheel of a car. In fact with fuel prices heading upwards I'd be astonished if more people didn't start using public transport/taxis/their legs.

I loathe driving, so does DH. So we do without. We've lived all over the place, holidayed all over the world, picked up our kids from parties, done huge supermarket shops - all without a car. It's easy. And cheaper. And less stressful.

thanks zippy I would dearly like to do without my car. I think if we ever moved back to Brighton we could do it. But where we are now, we need a car.

Definitely less stressful.

I do all my shopping online and get it delivered except for bits and pieces I get when I walk into town.

Saves me loads of time.

GetDown - would your DH ever consider moving house to somewhere you didnt need a car?

BeenBeta- That's interesting, i have a complete fear of driving..Passed 5 years ago, first time, and fine along narrow country roads, with very obvious boundaries either side.I am a good driver, but have always found normal roads with a white line and oncoming vehicles impossible..If there is someone with me i feel more relaxed, but alone i cannot do it..Someone suggested Dyspraxia,(my DS2 is Dyspraxic)because i find it very difficult judging the distance between me and the white line,oncoming traffic and panic if something is behind me.I have never ever driven in fifth gear, as the steering/car feels too light.

I catch buses everywhere,and now only use the car to get DS to the school bus if it's raining..but at the moment the car is broken,and it's such a relief

Most people think i am mad,and making it up, i even get people to get me petrol in petrol cans, because the garage is on a big main road!but in 5 years it seems to be getting worse.So am seriously thinking of getting rid of the car..I am so pleased i'm not alone!

Sorry GDYWF not much help, but you are not alone either.

One of the few upsides of being totally petrified when driving is that on any of the rare occasions the kids get in the car they behave really really well as it's such a treat.