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Original poster

I hate my baby

30 replies

MyLifeIsFeelingFestive · 04/12/2010 08:34

ds2 is 21 weeks. I know in my heart I do love him but a lot of the time I don't like him, and sometimes I'll hear myself saying 'I hate you' :( I feel like such a bad parent but I just can't cope.

ds1 is almost 2. He was not an easy baby, but has turned into a wonderful toddler who I am extremely proud of. From a young age however I noticed ds2 wasn't feedng properly. At first I thought it was transition from bf to ff (12 days) but the older he got I knew something was wrong. After a bit of investigation / diagnostic testing, it has been confirmed that he can't suck properly and therefore feeding has always been stressful, for both of us.

As a result he is not a content baby. Far, far from it. He cries a lot and even when he's not crying he'll often moan for ages and it really grates on me. Even though he's almost 5 months 4/4.5oz is all he'll usually drink and therefore he's always hungry. He's up all night, probably because he can't fill himself up through the day. I can cope a bit better through the day when there are distractions for both of us, but through the night I hate him. My counsellor (who I've seen once) says I don't hate him, I hate his behaviour, but that's not how it feels in the middle of the night when nothing will settle him yet. At those times it's him I hate.

Sorry for the long post. I just feel so bad about my feelings towards him. I hate myself for hating him, but I do. I just want a magic fast forward button.

OP posts:
mamaloco · 04/12/2010 08:45

Your counsellor is right! " you don't hate him, hate his behaviour".
I am so sorry for you but it will pass. He will be weaned soon and hopefully will be able to feed properly and feel full for longer. hang on, and hugs
don't hate yourself you are probably very tired which makes everything worse.
Can you have a break, hand him for a day/night to some GP or your DP?

madmouse · 04/12/2010 08:57

Babies who can't suck will find it hard to be content - it's that essential to their comfort and well being. So no wonder he is a hard work baby.

Why can't he suck? Is his palate intact? The exact cause needs to be found and depending on how he grows a nasal-gastric tube can help to literally fill his tummy. They have their drawbacks though.

If he can't suck properly he may struggle weaning too so make sure you get the intervention he needs - if you do not have a paediatrician already demand one from your GP

Try not to say I hate you to him directly. Say it to the kitchen door or the tree in the garden - then let go and don't beat yourself up for it. You're a good mum having a difficult time.

Original poster
MyLifeIsFeelingFestive · 04/12/2010 08:59

Thanks mamakoco. You're right, I feel like the walking dead at the moment and I know tiredness makes everything seem worse. I don't really have much family support, for reasons I won't go into here, but it's tough.

My HV has referred him into a surestart creche to give me some respite but I'm still awaiting their decision as I know there aren't really any places. Just got to keep plodding on. I'm just very scared that this time in his life will cause long-term damage to our mother/son relationship :(

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 04/12/2010 09:02

oh mylife :( i felt like this about ds2 who was a very difficult very cry-y baby

can i ask if your baby has been checked for tongue tie? that can make sucking difficult and can affect breast and bottle feeding. it can be snipped very easily if this is what he has and that would improve feeding a lot.

is he better if you give him small amounts very frequently?

you'll get through this. it seems awful when you're in the middle of it, but it will get better

electra · 04/12/2010 09:04

Is it possible he has reflux? Maybe that's why he'll only drink such a small amount. From what I understand there are two types of reflux - one where the baby posits feed right after and one where they don't but they do experience pain. My friend's dd had this and she had cried for weeks before it was diagnosed.

Original poster
MyLifeIsFeelingFestive · 04/12/2010 09:06

'mamaloco' even Blush

They said they don't know why. Helpful, I know. The speech & language therapist has said there's nothing more she can do. His videofluoroscopy showed all was intact in terms of his palate etc, they just don't know why he can't/won't suck properly.

It means he drops his dummy all the time cos he sort of chomps on it rather than suck so as soon as he moves, it drops out.

And yes madmouse I've tried early weaning in the hope it would settle him. but after 3 weeks of offering every night, last night was the first time he actually swallowed anything. He still pushed a lot out, but it was the best effort he's made so far. HV's advise? 'Just keep trying'

He's under a gastroenterologist but hasn't got a review until April.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyLifeIsFeelingFestive · 04/12/2010 09:08

They've said he has a little bit of tongue tie but it's far back and they don't believe it'd affect hid feeding to this extent. It's definitely not reflux because if anything was coming back up it would have shown on the videofluoroscopy.

He's also still on 0-3 month bottle teats as he can't cope with the flow on the next size up

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 04/12/2010 09:15

hmm i was told by the lady at chichester that even a mild tongue tie can really affect feeding.
it may not be the problem, but bearing in mind how minor the procedure is i would consider insisting on them doing it just to see if it would help
it may improve things a bit even if it doesn't sort it entirely

have you tried different shaped teats at all to see if he can deal with any others better? ds2 never got on with a normal "round" teat but liked the mam ones which are flatter

Original poster
MyLifeIsFeelingFestive · 04/12/2010 09:17

Yes I have a cupboard full of bottles and teats :) Unfortunately he feeds the same from all of them.

Maybe I should take him back to the GP and ask him to look at the tongue tie again?

OP posts:
madmouse · 04/12/2010 09:19

I agree with having the tongue tie snipped - it is such a minor procedure and what if it helps say 20% - still worth it!

thisisyesterday · 04/12/2010 09:19

I would. it sounds so much like ds2 who had difficulities breaastfeeding and also couldn't "hold on" to a dummy.
his tongue tie wasn't severe but the snip made the world of difference

what are are you in? there is a list here of places that divide tongue tie

some you need a referral to, but others you can call and self refer so it mihgt bne worth ringing any in your area to see if they would just take a look. I found that even some of the midwives who saw ds2 weren't really sure about his tongue tie and if anything needed doing

madmouse · 04/12/2010 09:22

Just checking that you have tried the Haberman bottles

Original poster
MyLifeIsFeelingFestive · 04/12/2010 09:24

Thanks everyone. We're away on our first family holiday (in the UK but still) next week. I'm hoping a change of scenery will help my mood. I will definitely look into the tongue tie when we get back.

If that does make a difference I'll be thrilled, but I'll be furious at the same time that nothing's been done about it in 5 months

OP posts:
Original poster
MyLifeIsFeelingFestive · 04/12/2010 09:25

madmouse, he just gagged on that one. Couldn't get him to feed at all :(

OP posts:
pastaplease · 04/12/2010 09:26

Sorry, in a rush so haven't read everything properly, but have you tried calling cry-sis for support?

I had a baby who cried a lot and it's exhuasting, stressful and, well, absolutely awful! Cry-sis offered a sympathetic ear.

Lydwatt · 04/12/2010 09:29

nothing much to add except that you have my thoughts...I do remember those tired long days and nights....I hope it gets better soon.

My friend had a similar problem with her dd and ds. Sounds like the snip is worth looking into.

Original poster
MyLifeIsFeelingFestive · 04/12/2010 09:44

Never heard of cry-sis, thanks I'll look into it.

Thanks Lydwatt

OP posts:
IsItMeOr · 04/12/2010 09:58

You poor thing - sleep deprivation is hideous.

Have you tried offering milk from a doidy cup? I've heard some people say it really helps.

Good luck getting the tongue-tie sorted and hope you enjoy your holiday.

Original poster
MyLifeIsFeelingFestive · 04/12/2010 12:07

He can't / won't drink out of a cup IsItMeOr. Same as weaning - everything that goes in his mouth, gets spat straight back out.

He's upstairs screaming now and I know I should go an get him. I just don't want to.

OP posts:
IsItMeOr · 04/12/2010 12:38

Sorry :(

I guess Tommee Tippee sippers aren't going to work either then?

Sounds like you really need to push on that tongue-tie.

Do you have a DP who could do a shift today and give you a bit of a break?

But honestly, you are not the only one who feels this way when they're having a hard time meeting the baby's needs. Been there myself, and so has DH. It will all seem much better once you get some decent sleep again - at least, that's what I'm hoping for :).

Original poster
MyLifeIsFeelingFestive · 04/12/2010 12:44

:) thanks

Yes, he's incredibly overworked so I've barely seen him recently tbh. Hopefully this week away will be the break we all need [fingers crossed emoticon]

OP posts:
Original poster
MyLifeIsFeelingFestive · 04/12/2010 12:45

Oh, btw he screamed for 5 minutes or so (maybe longer but not much longer if it was) and then went back to sleep so I'm glad I didn't go and get him cos it's obviously not what either of us really wanted!

OP posts:
Lydwatt · 04/12/2010 13:30

make the most of that Xmas Smile

Original poster
MyLifeIsFeelingFestive · 04/12/2010 19:27

Thanks to everyone for their kind words. I was looking at him tonight thinking how beautiful he is...I wouldn't think that if I hated him would I?

I think I'm just so worn out by it all I can't see the woods for the trees.

OP posts:
Lydwatt · 05/12/2010 10:24

I always found that even just 20mins sleep made a world of difference on how I saw things.
I think it was always the lack of sleep I hated, not even the baby's 'bad' behaviour really...