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Original poster

I want to put my 13 month old up for adoption.

32 replies

oncemoreintothebreach · 03/10/2010 16:06

I can't cope and am not a good mother. I suffer from MH problems and am at the end of my tether. I'm scared I will hurt him Sad

Where do I start? I know family will try and block me but they won't be able to look after him full time and anyway, I'd rather he didn't remain in the family as a reminder of how I have failed.

I can't look after him, even with support.

I would like to see him a few times a year.

Does anyone have advice? I know I probably come across as heartless/undeserving of a child etc etc etc but it really would be best for him to go.

OP posts:
ASmallBunchofFlowers · 03/10/2010 16:12

You don't come across as heartless. You sound as if you are in pain.

I have got no useful advice to offer but didn't want your post to go unanswered. Have you spoken to your GP or community psychiatric nurse about how you feel? Try and get an appointment for tomorrow and take it from there.

Susiewho · 03/10/2010 16:15

I know nothing about this sort of thing, but is there someone trustworthy who can take him until you can speak to a professional about your situation? If you're worried that you'll hurt him, perhaps this is for the best temporarily.

pinkcarnations · 03/10/2010 16:19

I think you should get in touch with your health visitor or GP and have a chat about how you feel. I don't think you come accross as heartless, I think you sound like someone who is ill and scared about the effects that your illness is having on your child. I hope you can get some help with this, it must be a horrid way to feel. x

louii · 03/10/2010 16:22

U need to speak to someone, get the mental heath probs sorted and then see where you are at? Maybe family could mind him in the meantime.

Why can't you look after him even with support?

Do you mind me asking what probs you have?

scottishmummy · 03/10/2010 16:22

do you have a cpn or psychiatrist?call the out of hours team.you need to see someone immediately.get some support.most likely your judgement is affected by mood,and at mo things are bad.dont soldier on feeling like this,let people help you.ask for home vist if you cant face goingto gp surgery. A&E also have psych team and on call psychiatrist

good luck

OnlyWantsOne · 03/10/2010 16:23

I agree with all else that has been said - contact some one you can trust, and ask them to help you - and speak to your GP ASAP.

What about the child's father?

jaffacake2 · 03/10/2010 16:27

As an HV I would definitely want to support you if you were one of my mothers. It sounds as though you have lost all confidence in your abilities as a caring mum. And yes you are definitely caring because you are thinking of your child.
Please get some help,you need some 1;1 support to show you that he is best with you.Maybe someone could look after him whilst you have some counselling,or a play worker to be with you at the local childrens centres or a Homestart worker to be with you at home.
See theres lots of possibilities for you.
Please ring your HV tomorrow,noone is going to judge you or try to take him away from you,just want to help you find a way through this difficult time.

Original poster
oncemoreintothebreach · 03/10/2010 16:32

I have been diagnosed with bipolar and a personality disorder but have been discharged into the care of my GP after about 10 years under the CMHT. I was an inpatient and want to go back but I don't think I'm ill enough. The baby's dad is quite distant with the baby and he tends to feed off how I feel towards the baby - eg, if I get frustrated and upset he is upset and I think that's dangerous. My parents both work and they are very 'get on with it' in their attitude. I'm so ashamed. I genuinally don't want him, I can't look after him. He's not being cared for properly by me.

OP posts:
jaffacake2 · 03/10/2010 16:35

Why do you think hes not being cared properly by you? Do you cater for all his physical needs? Play with him ? which bit of parenting really concerns you?

OnlyWantsOne · 03/10/2010 16:37

Do you have any one at all who can help?

Live in East Anglia and I will :)

Original poster
oncemoreintothebreach · 03/10/2010 16:39

He is fed and clothes but the house is a state amd really I'm probably not looking after him to a good standard. He hurts himself a lot because I'm not watching him. I take him out and in front of everyone play the mum role but when we get home I switch on the TV and ignore him. At night he doesn't sleep at all. I'm too tired to stick to his routine and he gets upset and I get angry.

I don't hurt him deliberately but I'm scared I'll snap.

I will ask to get this thread moved to mental health.

OP posts:
jaffacake2 · 03/10/2010 16:44

You would really benefit from someone to help you in the home,I know it adds to depressive mood if the house is in a state,Homestart would help you with that.If someone went with you would you go to sessions at the childrens surestart centres,they would help you with routines and sleep.
It sounds as though you are really tired and need a break.But if he could sleep longer then you could be more postive with him.

minimathsmouse · 03/10/2010 16:44

You have a level of self awareness that implies that you wan't to resolve this and that you know you don't want to hurt your son. You must go back to GP, Monday morning and explain how you are feeling. Do not be put off, if you need to, stay put, refuse to move from the surgery until they agree to help you.

toddlerama · 03/10/2010 16:46

oncemore, whereabouts in the country are you? I bet there are plenty of us here who have felt like this at times and would be very happy to support you in a practical way with a bit of babysitting or house work if you feel like you can't ask your family. I'm in North Bucks. x

minimathsmouse · 03/10/2010 16:47

Hi I am in west Sussex, if you need someone to talk to or help on a practical level.

Original poster
oncemoreintothebreach · 03/10/2010 16:48

I'm in the south west.

I will go to the GP but they HATE me. I'm difficult. He deserves someone better. I'm too lazy.

OP posts:
jaffacake2 · 03/10/2010 16:52

They dont hate you,nobody hates you.Thats how you are seeing the world cos you are depressed.
give yourself just small tasks each day to do and dont expect great changes straight away.
See how people on MN have offered support thats how people will be near you,both professionals and other mums. You just need to take that first step to ask for help and to be really honest how you are feeling.

scottishmummy · 03/10/2010 16:57

staff dont hate you.they might make requests or suggestions that you find a challenge but they dont hate you.also likely impaired judgement makes you sensitive and self persecutory

minimathsmouse · 03/10/2010 17:00

Irrespective of whether the GP hates you or not, he has a professional responsibility to do what right. You need to tell him that you need help now.

I used to work for S/services in child care, years ago. Very few people are wicked and deserve hatred, least of all you who is very self aware and asking for help. Is it possible to ask your mum to look after your son just for a day or two.

LovestheChaos · 03/10/2010 17:02

ohhhh I love babies that age and wish I could look after him for you.

If you are serious about giving him up could you contact the fostering team at your local SS? DH and I are going through the foster care process thing to be foster parents. One of the major things that they highlighted to us is that a foster carer must work to maintain a relationship between the child and the birth parent if that is what has been deemed best for the child.

Other people on here are probably more knowledgeable than I am so don't take my word for it but I am pretty sure if your baby got fostered you would still get to see him.

LovestheChaos · 03/10/2010 17:04

I am a health care professional and have dealt with many patients that would describe themselves as "difficult". Never hated any one of them. If your GP is being a jerk can you see another one?

scottishmummy · 03/10/2010 17:06

with all due respect talk of fostering/adoption isnt a helpful at all. op needs support and listening to.not confrmation that her manifestation of feeling stressed is good idea.

minimathsmouse · 03/10/2010 17:25

Scittishmummy, OP needs to know what her options are.
a)get help and cope, how and what help.
b)is Fostering or adoption a viable option if she can't cope.

Oncemoreintothebreach, please get help, please don't feel forced to cope alone, if you can't. There is no shame in asking for help. Fostering is a good option in the short-medium term if you need time to get yourself together.

Is your partner caring, does he love the baby and help to look after his son.

scottishmummy · 03/10/2010 17:29

no one here can set out her options,in absence of corroboration, and full facts that is just guessing.and given it is likely her judgement is affected the circumstances may not be as described.isnt helpful to collude with what may be a misplaced belief

best advice is see gp get face to face assesment

monkeyfacegrace · 03/10/2010 17:48

Hi there,
Im in the south west too, and would love to help out. Im near Gloucester/Chelt/Stroud, where are you?
I have a 2 yr old and a 4 yr old, so really could help if you are close enough?