its misshousehunter again

[Misshousehunter]

dont worry im not gonna say im going to kill myself this time. I dont want to be shot down.
im on different meds now and feel better already. i had to go a few days without anything and it was awful.

last month i took alot of risks, drinking, spending and unprotective sex with a friend. unfortunately that has led to a pregnancy ffs.

Now i am having to go through the drama of an termination cos im not mentally stable to have another child. plus i hate what the my body changes to when im pregnant,

I used to have bulimia and anorexia when i was younger and have been better from that for abut 6 years but im still conscious of my body and i hated my belly growing each time, luckily i didnt put any weight on with my pregnancies, i only grew a belly. but tbh i did start making myself sick when i was last pregnant and i stopped eating. I had a really healthy almost 9lb baby so my ways didnt affect the baby.

If i keep the baby i know i will be worst. I used to be pro life, but right now i coudnt care.

do you think its the depression which is scewing my pro life attitue and you reckon i would regret this once im better?

I know you cant answer for me, but wanted opinions, not that i would listen as im booked into bpas tomorrow.

sorry you are going through this xx

I don't want to leave your post unanswered because you are so open about what you are going through and you are in a really hard place.

I am pro-life 100% but that doesn't extend to judging women who feel forced to make other choices. Judging helps no one.

But if you have doubts maybe you shouldn't go ahead just yet?

Pregnancy with an eating disorder is hard - I know! Although for me it had a different effect: For once I felt that my body did what it was supposed to do, it had a purpose. And for a few short months I had peace with it.

Can you look at it that way?

it sounds like your health (and by extension of your existing child) is more important than the current potential child and any convictions you might like to hold in ideal times (eg pro life). What is important now is what you need to do to keep stable - once you are better and well past this stage you can look back at it with a sense of regret for the mess your life was at this time - but don't beat yourself up now.

Good luck - hopefully it is early enough to not be to physically demanding. Be kind to yourself.

I want to terminate before 6 weeks, i have a little time to get this done.

Madmouse - I cant think it like that as i hate my body changing i hate not being in control and in pregnancy im not in control of it expanding, i didnt get that big with my first but i was huge with my second and its only gonna get bigger with a third. especially as i have no belly muscles left. I was lucky enough to not get any stretch marks and i would hate myself AND the baby if the baby caused stretchmarks this time.

Im totally honest with my feelings to strangers, but i cant open up to people i know or any helth profs, so i dont think people understand or know the exent of my mental health.

it sounds like you still have echoes of your food problems - when you feel a bit better try and get help from those.

Growing a baby is fundementally what the female body was designed for - trying to get that in perspective might help you come to terms with it. It doesn't have to look perfect because the look is really not that important - what is most important is that it does the job it was designed for (growing a baby and leaving a healthy woman at the end of that process).

You don't have to have a baby if you don't want it - but learning and accepting that you can do that with your body without hating how it looks would be a big step forward (at some stage in the future - clearly now you aren't ready for that now).

If you can't talk to people face to face about how you feel maybe you can seek out some help online - so you can talk about it without having to be there. Once you feel stronger and accept that you are allowed to feel as you do - then maybe you will feel able to find more local help.

I didnt have food issues for years until my 2nd pregnancy and now the depression is even worst, im decsending down that God awful route which I dont want to go down.

I guess I know why the food is becoming an issue again, because its the only thing I can currently control in my life.

The kids father is fighting for custody, my work are on my case about me returning from sick leave, its coming into winter where i get SAD just to add to my depression.

Im completely outof my depth and I dont have any local support especially as i cant be totally honest with my feelings . my ex has already said he's going to fight for custody on my mental health issues and that i am mentally incapable of looking after them. if i tell the health profs how i really feel it may be fuel for his fire.

I would have thought that if you are getting help then it would look better for you - he can't claim you aren't doing as much as you can.

If you are off work sick then you may be already seeing the gp ? If you can't talk about it how about printing out this thread and asking him/her to read it. It will be hard but might help - and it sounds like you really do need help now before things spiral totally.

I have no experience personally of this - jsut trying to look at thing objectively (as an outsider).