How do I get rid of these ideas? Who do I see?

[patheticidiot]

Have name changed for this, as I'm really embarrassed by how pathetic it is.

Deep breath.

In a nutshell, I'm completely obsessed by the idea that bad things will happen - but not rational bad things - completely stupid, fictional, out-of-horror movie type bad things. And I always have been.

I've always lain awake for hours and hours at night terrified that zombies or aliens or monsters are going to break in and tear me limb from limb; and I've always suffered from terrible nightmares. I wake dh up literally screaming some nights, and others I'm so terrified that I cry myself to sleep.

And that's all bad enough, but it's actually affecting the things that I need to be rational about now.
For example, dh and I are house-hunting. We found a beautiful house, just about in budget, and I've told him we can't buy it. Because after a week of happy dreams about us and our family there, I started to have nightmares about it. There is an outside staircase which means that zombies (yes, zombies, not fucking burglars or something) could get upstairs and attack us. And that fact that the land behind it is much higher doesn't pose a water drainage issue in my head, no, it means things could jump from it to the roof and smash their way in.

Another example, dh is foreign, and I have been genuinely weighing up whether my country or his is likely to be safer in the event of these things happening (ffs).

Oh god I sound so pathetic.

I'm now 38 weeks pregnant with our first and I don't know how I'm going to cope. Because now I have a whole extra dimension to worry about. On the one hand, how do I protect myself and dh and our child? On the other, I know that that is all bullshit and my biggest concern should be the fact that I can't make rational decisions.

I'm scared of the dark, unsurprisingly given what I spend my nights thinking about, and I'm really really panicked at the thought that I'll have to get up in the night with the baby. Also, I can't bear spending nights alone, and I don't know how I'll cope if dh has to go away for work or anything - mothers are meant to be able to cope!

I know this is all ridiculous. I know they're not real. I know that there are so many things in the world that I should actually be scared of. I know that there are people with real problems and real issues. But it's really crippling me now and I don't know how to deal with it.

As an extra note, I have tried to minimise it. I haven't watched horror movies for years as I know how they affect me. I recently abandoned an audiobook that I was enjoying as I realised it was heading towards an apocalypse type scenario, and it would be yet another thing to add to my obsessions :( I spent last night scared out of my wits thinking about the creatures from "I am Legend" (which I was tricked into watching by a friend who said it wasn't a horror film, I have a very low threshold), which I must have watched 18months ago. Once they're in my head they just won't go away!

Also, I suffered badly with sleep paralysis from about 13-19, so I suppose that could be linked.

Sorry that this has ended up so long. Thank you to anyone who can read and advise. Please, please don't just tell me to get a grip though, that's all I've ever heard from my family about it and it hasn't worked. I need something new.

Oh god, it sounds even more pathetic written down.

You poor thing! You really need to get professional help for this, this is extreme anxiety that is manifesting itself in these fears you're having. If it is affecting decisions on how you live your life then it is real! It's irrelevant that the things you fear aren't 'real' i.e zombies etc, but the terror you are feeling is real. I think you need to see your gp and tell them about it, and I think they will take you seriously. Good luck.

It's really really NOT pathetic!

Thank you, it's made me cry that you've been nice about it.

I'm concerned that if I tell my GP it might open a whole can of worms with the baby coming and I'll be dealing with HVs and SS questioning my mental health. Would they think the baby was at risk? I'm worried they'll think I think these things are real and that I'm hallucinating or deluded or something.

I think it's important that you start to deal with it before your baby is born. I can understand your fears about hv/ss etc but I seriously doubt that they would consider your baby to be at risk. If you explain it the way you did in your post above they will understand that you are not hallucinating or deluded. You actually come across as a very rational and sane person who is struggling with anxiety, not someone who is deluded at all. I feel really sad for you that you have lived with this for years and had it brushed under the carpet by your family. What does your dh think of it all?

Dh is very supportive and thinks I need help with it. He hasn't forced me to do anything, but last night I was in such a state that I admitted something had to be done (which is why I've asked for advice) and now he's said he'll help me do whatever it takes. He gets very angry with my family about several things, and I think this is one of them.

I think my family always just thought I was being a hysterical, attention-seeking teenager. Actually I just stopped mentioning it after a few years as they never helped, and tried to cope by myself. University was hell though, being by myself, I slept with my light on the whole time.

I dont have much time before the baby comes, so I'll book an appointment with them as soon as possible.

Thank you for help and for being supportive about it.

Thank you for your help, I meant.

This is your brain putting a recognisable 'form' on your generalised anxiety. I reckon it's probably more common than you think.

Some sort of cognitive behavioural style counselling might be useful for this kind of thing and to deal with your darkness phobia? (Also when you need to get up with the baby, get one of those lights were you can have them on really low).

Just to try to reassure you, I was very depressed after birth of dd and another close friend was extremely anxious after her dd born (thinking someone might be watching house and not sleeping etc). Both of us went to the GP but at no point were ss involved with either of us because the babies were never at any risk.

Thanks so much for your reassurance Vetch and Besom. Sorry to hear that you've both had problems too, I'm glad the GPs were able to help though, it makes me feel more confident about seeing them.

I probably wouldn't be so reluctant to go if it didn't mean sitting face to face with someone and admitting that I'm scared of aliens and zombies, but I'm sure you're right and they've heard it before. I will book a gp appointment tomorrow and get on with it - I'd forgotten about long waiting lists. I might see if dh is free to come for moral support.

Besom, is it possible to see someone for cognitive behavioural counselling independently? It might be quicker, and now that I'm going to do something I would love for it to be done as soon as possible.

You could get it independently but it would probably cost you. Although it could well be something that would be helped by only a few sessions so might be worth looking into if you've got the cash (we're talking 40 or 50 quid an hour I think).

I got counselling through a local charitable organisation who had a graded cost based on your income, athough it wasn't CBT.

Thank you again.

I think you're right about it being when I'm more anxious than normal Riven, as there have been periods where it's really calmed down. But at the moment it's very intense. I suppose being pregnant could be contributing, and my new issues with protecting the baby. I have also had dinosaur issues, but I think I've largely persuaded myself that a velociraptor attack is unlikely, it's been a while anyway. I think also a ground floor flat isn't helping, and I cant wait to be able to sleep above ground level.

Thank you Pixie as well for sharing the alien issue. I've already found it helpful to just write some of them in my OP, so I may post others. It's certainly a relief to get them out of my head, I feel embarrassed telling dh about them in detail.

I will see the GP as soon as I can and ask about CBT; but if it's going to take ages and I'm not managing so well with the little one I might look into some independent. We can't afford lots, but if a few sessions would help I think it would be worth it to have me functioning like a relatively normal person. I'll also have a look at Anxiety UK.

Sorry to hear your ds is having problems Riven, it's ridiculous that he might not get help. It's surely better for everyone if young people get help as soon as they need it. I know I've gotten worse as I've got older, and I'm sure early intervention must be the way forward for things like anxiety and depression - it just seems logical. I really hope his referral gets taken seriously.

Thank you again everyone for sharing and making me feel like less of a freak.

Sounds horrible . I think you REALLY need to start getting help now so that things are in place so that you can cope with the tiredness of a new baby and so that you don't transfer your anxieties on to your baby when he/she arrives.

I think you've been really brave to post. I hope you find some help soon.

I was going to suggest CBT too. A friend of mine worked through some pretty extreme irrational feelings she was having with post-natal depression with CBT and she really recommends it.

Hi
you are not a pathetic idiot and not alone.
It sounds to me like you have OCD type condition which can be treated and life made more bearable.
Please see your GP for diagnosis and referral. With treatment life can get better, trust me I've been there.

I have intrusive thoughts and high levels of anxiety which I have learnt to deal with by having cognitive behaviour therapy. Life isn't perfect but better than living with intrusive thoughts.

If it's any consolation I backed out of buying a house because the ceilings were too low (they were average height) and made my heart go funny!

Please get help, get better and don't suffer.

When you get intrusive thoughts have you tried distracting yourself with something you enjoy, like Reading, watching tv, hobbies etc?

Hi all, I just wanted to post an update.

I kept telling myself I'd tell the GP about my issues, but kept making up excuses due to being heavily pregnant and having enough to do etc. However, things haven't gotten any better, so I promised DH that I'd tell the GP at my six week check.

I had my six week check today and told the GP pretty much as soon as I walked in. She took it seriously and she's referred me to "Time to Talk", who I think are therapists and do CBT and counselling. The GP says she no expert, but thinks I need someone to go right back to when it started and what might have triggered it, as well as help dealing with it.

I also scored highly on the PND check, but she thinks that may be because I obviously ticked all the "I'm very anxious", "I can't sleep" type boxes. As I'd already told her that it's an ongoing problem she doesn't think it's PND (neither do I, I feel fine with everything except the zombie/end of the world thoughts).

Anyway, I just wanted to thank you all again. Even though it's taken me almost 2 months I don't think I would have brought it up even now if you hadn't all encouraged me to and reassured me that they would take it seriously and not think I was stupid/insane.

Here's hoping things sort themselves out - especially as we've found another house that we love, which backs on to a little wood, and that I'm trying really really hard not to freak out about.

:)

Hmm, I don't know why my post isn't highlighted :( I wonder what I did wrong