Have name changed for this, as I'm really embarrassed by how pathetic it is.
Deep breath.
In a nutshell, I'm completely obsessed by the idea that bad things will happen - but not rational bad things - completely stupid, fictional, out-of-horror movie type bad things. And I always have been.
I've always lain awake for hours and hours at night terrified that zombies or aliens or monsters are going to break in and tear me limb from limb; and I've always suffered from terrible nightmares. I wake dh up literally screaming some nights, and others I'm so terrified that I cry myself to sleep.
And that's all bad enough, but it's actually affecting the things that I need to be rational about now.
For example, dh and I are house-hunting. We found a beautiful house, just about in budget, and I've told him we can't buy it. Because after a week of happy dreams about us and our family there, I started to have nightmares about it. There is an outside staircase which means that zombies (yes, zombies, not fucking burglars or something) could get upstairs and attack us. And that fact that the land behind it is much higher doesn't pose a water drainage issue in my head, no, it means things could jump from it to the roof and smash their way in.
Another example, dh is foreign, and I have been genuinely weighing up whether my country or his is likely to be safer in the event of these things happening (ffs).
Oh god I sound so pathetic.
I'm now 38 weeks pregnant with our first and I don't know how I'm going to cope. Because now I have a whole extra dimension to worry about. On the one hand, how do I protect myself and dh and our child? On the other, I know that that is all bullshit and my biggest concern should be the fact that I can't make rational decisions.
I'm scared of the dark, unsurprisingly given what I spend my nights thinking about, and I'm really really panicked at the thought that I'll have to get up in the night with the baby. Also, I can't bear spending nights alone, and I don't know how I'll cope if dh has to go away for work or anything - mothers are meant to be able to cope!
I know this is all ridiculous. I know they're not real. I know that there are so many things in the world that I should actually be scared of. I know that there are people with real problems and real issues. But it's really crippling me now and I don't know how to deal with it.
As an extra note, I have tried to minimise it. I haven't watched horror movies for years as I know how they affect me. I recently abandoned an audiobook that I was enjoying as I realised it was heading towards an apocalypse type scenario, and it would be yet another thing to add to my obsessions :( I spent last night scared out of my wits thinking about the creatures from "I am Legend" (which I was tricked into watching by a friend who said it wasn't a horror film, I have a very low threshold), which I must have watched 18months ago. Once they're in my head they just won't go away!
Also, I suffered badly with sleep paralysis from about 13-19, so I suppose that could be linked.
Sorry that this has ended up so long. Thank you to anyone who can read and advise. Please, please don't just tell me to get a grip though, that's all I've ever heard from my family about it and it hasn't worked. I need something new.