Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Original poster

My son thinks about death every day..

30 replies

Littleblue · 25/09/2010 15:49

And now he's left home for University.He's my firstborn,19 years old and has a history of problems with depression since early teens because his stepfather bullied him.
We left this man three years ago and my son had a minor breakdown.He told me about these thoughts the other day prior to seeing our gp because he was concerned he might be sectioned!! Sad
He said he won't hurt himself but I know he's drinking alot...I just don't know how to live with the worry..he has promised to see a gp when he gets to his new home again...just beside myself really.

OP posts:
c0rns1lk · 25/09/2010 15:51
Sad Can you alert student services that he's having these thoughts and about his past history of depression?
Original poster
Littleblue · 25/09/2010 15:53

I don't know..hadn't thought of that tbh..he's nearly 20,i don't know how all that works at his age..he was seeing a counsellor in High School...I will make some enquiries quietly.

OP posts:
c0rns1lk · 25/09/2010 15:54

Yes do - I would think that there would be someone there who looks out for vulnerable students.

Original poster
Littleblue · 25/09/2010 15:55

I will when term starts..thank you,good idea!
Im worried sick about him,he's so far away..

OP posts:
c0rns1lk · 25/09/2010 15:56

I 'm not surprised you're so worried. Must be really hard for you.

Original poster
Littleblue · 25/09/2010 16:00

Well I just don't know what to do with it..if that makes sense,he's an adult now,but ive found student services on their website,im ruminating as to wether to point him at it..he IS being proactive about needing help with it now..or contact them directly myself..

OP posts:
Original poster
Littleblue · 25/09/2010 16:20

He's phoned..he is with his friends and sounds in a better humour...

OP posts:
c0rns1lk · 25/09/2010 16:30

that's good Smile
you could give him their number but maybe contact them yourself as well just to talk it through with them so that you know what's available for him - he doesn't have to know you've spoken to them

arcadia96 · 25/09/2010 16:47

Poor you, I really sympathise Sad. At a similar age my younger brother had problems with depression. I think the University lifestyle can be difficult revolving as it does around alcohol, not much structure to the day and initially sometimes some quite shallow friendships where everyone is insecure and trying to impress each other.
My Dad died when my brother was six so he had quite a tough time too. I know what it's like to worry about someone in that way, I remember worrying about my brother a lot. On the bright side he really has come through it now.
I think it is a good sign that he has been proactive in seeking help - this shows some self-awareness and some self-protective instincts.
I think it is helpful if you find out the info for him about counselling etc. then leave it with him - but ask him about it afterwards. Also prompt him in getting signed up with a GP. Some places also have a 'nightline' for students which you can ring or go to at night if you are feeling bad (I used one myself once at university!).
I'm not really sure what else to suggest really. Do you have other children - brothers or sisters - that could go and visit him part way through the term to see how he is doing? Or any friends or family nearby where he is going that he could visit for a sunday lunch once in a while?

Original poster
Littleblue · 25/09/2010 17:27

Oh thank you..very helpful..he has 3 siblings and my mother works nearby..also my sister lives in the city he is studying in,il call her..he really talks to her...feeling much brighter myself,i get in a funk with this..feel so powerless but i'm not am i?!..there are things i can do..Smile

OP posts:
c0rns1lk · 25/09/2010 20:42

good luck Smile
keep posting as there's bound to be someone along who has experience of this. There are also Uni tutors on here who may have advice for you so maybe put a shout out on the education board?

Original poster
Littleblue · 25/09/2010 21:29

thank you ....im trying to find some kind of peace with it but its very hard,firstborn leaves home like this....so very very hard.

OP posts:
arcadia96 · 01/10/2010 20:31

How's your son doing, littleblue?

Original poster
Littleblue · 02/10/2010 00:38

I havent heard anything at all..ive left a few messages and he hasn't replied..trying not to worry,my mum saw him on wednesday and he wa sin good spirits...sitting here feeling dreadful right now..crying wont help tho eh..miss him,always knew it would be a massive wrench when he went,but to know hes so unwell.. Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Littleblue · 02/10/2010 00:47

oh hes texted!!!...grins

OP posts:
arcadia96 · 03/10/2010 21:18

That's good news littleblue. Sorry, I've been away. Glad you've heard from him and he seems OK. Try not to mix up your own understandable feelings of missing him, adjusting to him going away etc. with your feelings of worry about him It actually sounds like he's doing OK and he may be getting the fresh start that he needs, but obviously for you it is a sad time.

Original poster
Littleblue · 03/10/2010 23:32

Thanks Arcadia,he rang tonight and had a lovely chat with his little brother and sister..we all miss him,and i know this is a vital period for all of us..positive changes can hurt as much as "negative" ones at times..miss him dreadfully,but im very proud of,and very happy for him too...Smile

OP posts:
arcadia96 · 04/10/2010 09:37

Good, it all sounds positive. Remember you're going through a grieving period at the moment, and change is always hard, but doesn't sound like you really need to worry about him Smile.

Original poster
Littleblue · 04/10/2010 20:27

It does feel like grief..yes,thanks Arcadia x

OP posts:
Original poster
Littleblue · 06/10/2010 23:32

Is it normal to feel this bad when they go..im foul tempered and on the verge of tears constantly...

OP posts:
ajandjjmum · 06/10/2010 23:43

DS has just gone, and although I've seen him a couple of times (for family reasons), we're all missing him like mad.

We had to go off on different trains today, and I felt myself welling up in the taxi! Blush All I keep thinking though is how much more upset I'd be if he hadn't got a place at uni.

It must be tough for you to have these additional worries though, but at least you've got family 'around' him.

NanaNina · 07/10/2010 00:16

Little Blue - I understand your worries as I've been in the same position, eldest son went to uni and I felt bereaved but I somehow felt that he would not settle - he wenr a year later than his friends, had to re-take A levels and seemed quite low in spirits when he left home. He was at a Uni only 40 miles from home. However after a week I got a phone call - he was in a bad state and I drove to where he was at 11 at night and we sat and talked in the car and I hugged him and told him he meant the world to me and this big 19 year old cried like a baby. Oh god I will never forget it. He also told me he had been walkingup and down by the river...................anyway he came home and was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and from Sept to Christmas was deeply depressed. He did recover and got a job in the civil service. However he tried uni again a couple of years later (this time over 100 miles away) and as I drove him up there I knew I was going to be coming back for him because he didn't speak all the way and his hands were twisting and sweating.

My intuition was right and 2 weeks later I got a call asking me if he could come home. He was not depressed this time - just couldn't stand being away from home - so back Iwent to get him.

He went back to the Civil Service and met a lovely young woman - he's in his 40s now and married with a lovely daughter. I think all you can do is keep in regular contact - can you e mail and texting is good (these weren't around when I was in your position) and it's so handy your sister is close by. Try to be balanced and not think the worse if you don't get an immediate answer to a text. I think you should advise him to see a student counsellor if he feels the need but I don't think you should refer him - as yousay he is not a child and he might not appreciate you taking over, even though you would be doing it with good intentions.

Good luck and the first term is the worse. Once he has comehome for Christmas you will feel better. Sons No 2 & 3 just went off and had no problems, but as Son No 1 said "they are made of stronger stuff than me" - he's still the most sensitiveof the 3 of them and I somehow know he is the one who will be there if I need him.

Original poster
Littleblue · 07/10/2010 16:02

Thank you..its so helpful to hear of other peoples experiences , i am in regular contact with him,as is my mother..Ive decided to go and spend a weekend with him soon,i know hes happy for me to do that,i want to take him out one to one ...just chill together etc,i need to see him in situ to put my mind at rest..thanks again xSmile

OP posts:
Original poster
Littleblue · 20/10/2010 20:47

Hes coming home for a visit..finding city life a bit intense i think..fingers crossed on lots of levels ..

OP posts:
arcadia96 · 20/10/2010 21:45

Hope he's OK and you have a lovely time together littleblue Smile. The fact he is keeping in contact with you and your mother is a good sign.