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Original poster

Scared dp isn't going to come home one of these nights............

43 replies

swiperfox · 05/09/2005 21:32

He's so down. I can't keep up the 'we'll get throught it' front and am close to breaking down myself. I don't know how to keep it up anymore. I generally keep up a cheery 'front' on mn but if I don't get it out it's going to drag me down. Probably doesn't make much sense and there's nothing that can be said but I need to get it into the open so I can continue to stay 'up' for dp. It's not easy when it's all going so wrong. What all brough it home was dd starting her school today. She was so excited and I can't bear the thought of messing everything up for her again. To me and dp it doesn't matter so much where we end up but little dd needs to be settled now, she's been moved around so much.
dp has been suicidal before. He is very very down at the moment. We could lose this house in less than a week. We gave up everything to get this house 3 months ago. His work are treating him like a piece of crap. He needs to get out of there so badly. I hate it when he has a job to go to at night. One of these nights he's not going to come back. I know it.
I don't know what to do anymore.
Sorry for the miserable rant. I had to get it out.

OP posts:
starlover · 05/09/2005 21:36

oh swiper
has your dp been to see his GP? it is more than possible for him to be signed off of work because of this. would that help for a bit do you think?
has he had therapy at all in the past? or been on medication?

Freddiecat · 05/09/2005 21:41

swiperfox - please get him to go and see his gp

my dp went to see his gp last october. he was given antidepressants which have taken sodding ages to work BUT he is improving and has been signed off work and paid benefits since.

am sending you a huge hug because i know just how horrible it is living with someone depressed and having to keep up the smilely happy face all the time.

Original poster
swiperfox · 05/09/2005 21:42

Hiya starlover - he went to the doc a while ago and had 6 weeks councelling because his depression was coming out as anger. He had some ad's as well but didn't like being on them and (stupidly) came off them. He's been fine for ages but the last couple of weeks his crappy job has gone tits up and nowe we are really close to losing the house we wanted to settle in for the duration of dd's schooling. I'm at home with the little ones so the weight of the money problem is on his shoulders and I've noticed the last few days he is getting very quiet and withdrawn

OP posts:
starlover · 05/09/2005 21:44

it is really difficult with men don't you think? they seeem to think that they have to try and hold it together and pretend it is all opk

i really would try and get him to go back to the GP. he can INSIST on a referral to a psychiatrist (they have to give you one by law) 6 weeks is rubbish! that is not enough!
why did he dislike the ad's? (i hated them myself, admittedly)... ti can take time to find a suitable one that doesn't make you feel like shit

starlover · 05/09/2005 21:45

do you have a mortgage? is there any way you could speak to your lender and explain the situation and see if you could get a short break from repayments? IME they are more than happy to try and help if they can... if you ask them before it gets too serious

Original poster
swiperfox · 05/09/2005 21:50

I don't think he gave the ad's long enough. He was only on them a couple of months and they didn't do anything except knock him out! I think some of it was that he just didn't like the idea of being on them - probably had some stupid man idea in his head that blokes don't have ad's - wouldn't surprise me - he would never really talk about it if i brough it up. This time it's just this current situation thayt's brough it on - he's been brill for ages but this has really gotten to him because it's so frustrating. He's got the money due from work at the end of sept but we have to sign our new lease in a week and we're a grand short and work can't bring the rest forward. If we can pay this 3 months lease he can quit his crap job and have 3 months to get something decent so we have a proper monthly income and that will be everything solved. It's the pressure of everything resting on this week. We don't know where to get a loan

OP posts:
Original poster
swiperfox · 05/09/2005 21:51

we're in a rented house. The only way they would let the house was on a 3 month lease with 3 months rent upfront because they had been messed around before. So now we need another 3 months rent to start up the lease again

OP posts:
starlover · 05/09/2005 21:54

if you had a loan woukld that make things easier? i got one from tesco who were really good, low interest.

i had an awful time with ad's. they do take a while to work. but i stopped taking one lot (citalopram/cipramil) as they knocked me out and i couldn't even go to work!
it's really trial and error getting ones that suit you though.
i think you're right about men not wanting to rely on things like that though. stubborn!

perhaps you could sit down with him and work out what you're going to do with the finances etc and make a kind of plan. i tend to get VERY stressed about similar things, especially if i feel i am nto in control of them. when i have made my "plan" and know what's goingt o hapopen then i often feel so much better. i also make back-up plansd for what will happen if things go wtrong!

starlover · 05/09/2005 21:56

oh gosh, so you're basically paying your rent quarterly in advance?

will they not accept a lower amount seeing as you have been reliable so far? would they accept as much as you can spare now and the rest at the end of sept?

Original poster
swiperfox · 05/09/2005 21:59

I can't remember what ad's he had - funny name! But they totally knocked him out - he had to take them before bed but he still felt crap all through the day and he was doing a driving job at the time so not too good!!

We are deserately trying to sort a loan but hitting brick walls every way we turn because the job he's in had messed us right up and he's behind with other loans and his car so he's getting turned away. He also hasn't got a cheque book or debit card which some 'payday' loans ask for. Bit of a nightmare case really!!

OP posts:
Original poster
swiperfox · 05/09/2005 22:00

We will probably have to ask them to accept a smaller amount but because our lease is up we are scared that they see it as we can't afford the house and won't agree to renew it - they're very edgy landlords as they got messed around before

OP posts:
starlover · 05/09/2005 22:02

definitely try other AD's... there are so many out there. there will be one that works and doesn't make him feel like that!

i hope i don't offend you by saying this, but if you already have loans etc and have trouble paying them then i really would advise seeing a debt advisor person.
My aunt saw one a while back and said it was such a relief. there are people who will see you for free, and will be able to help you consolidate all your loans and make your monthly repayments much easier to handle.
they do this ALL the time, so they will know exactly how to help you.... so saving you the hassle of trying to get another loan.

i would definitely, definitely call ALL the people you already have credit/loans with and ask if you could lower your repayments, or take a rbeak, even if just for a month or 2.

starlover · 05/09/2005 22:03

it's definitely worth being up front with your landlord(s)
i am sure they will appreciate it if you talk to them now rather than waiting and then struggling to get the money to them

Original poster
swiperfox · 05/09/2005 22:06

yes we definately need to do that and get sorted if we can get past this - which will be so much easier when he's back into a 'proper' job. Would debt advisory places be able to advise us of somewhere to get the grand to pay the house? I know it's not ideal gettnig another loan but when it's facing losing the house it kind of blurs the sensible side!

I'm feeling a whole heap better for talking about it though, thanks Starlover. I'm ready to face dp again - I think.....!

OP posts:
starlover · 05/09/2005 22:10

yeah they would,
what they would probably suggest is that you get one BIG loan which will pay off all of your existing ones.
that way yuo only have one payment per month, and of course you can probably add on your extra grand.

they will know the best places to get a loan from, and places that will give you one if you aren't in a very good position financially.

i think it may also help your DP, in so much as it's taking a bit of the responsibility off of him, and once you have it sorted he will proably feel really relieved!

you may be able to find a local one on the net... otherwise i think the CAB may be able to provide names/numbers of them

i am sure i saw on the tv once that there are some who work at job centres

Original poster
swiperfox · 05/09/2005 22:12

Thanks. I'm going to ring them/someone tomorrow. dp has just come home so that's a relief for tonight anyway.

OP posts:
starlover · 05/09/2005 22:12

have a look here

they may also be able to advise you of local people you can actually go and talk to in person

starlover · 05/09/2005 22:13

you're welcome! i really hope that things start to look up for you

Aero · 05/09/2005 23:40

Oh Swiper - have only just seen this - how awful for you. You may have seen on here that I've recently been through a few weeks of trauma when my sister took an overdose in a serious bid to end her life three weeks ago. Thank God she failed, and we are very thankful for that, but none of us despite knowing she was low and has had suicidal feelings for many years, saw this coming. I would urge you to insist your dp gets some help and fast - his mood needs to be lifted out of this pit of depression. There are many ads out there now and he just needs to find the right one for him. The side effects lessen over time and most take at least 2-3 weeks to kick in properly. If the ones he had before were not helping after a couple of months then they clearly were not the right ones for him. My sister is on moclobemide and it has definitely improved her mood and her appetite. Things are looking up.
I know your whole situation is different, but the bottom line is that your dp needs help. Depression is a clinical illness and needs to be seen that way just as diabetes, for example, is a clinical illness, and the need for medication to replace insulin is no different from the need for medication to boost seratonin levels.
I will be thinking of you and have total sympathy with the worry you are living with atm. It's hard, but you need to look after yourself too so that you can look after him and dd. I do hope things improve for you and that your dp can be persuaded to seek the help he needs.

Original poster
swiperfox · 06/09/2005 09:54

Thanks Aero - I had seen your thread and have thought about you a lot. So glad your sister didn't manage it but can't imagine how it must feel for you.

We had a huge fight this morning. I can't talk to him without it turning into a fight because he is so snappy. DD is v grumpy now this morning. DS doesn't seem to notice but me being pg and super-hormonal I'm biting and snapping back instead of walking away.

I can't do it much longer. The fact that we only have a week is making it so so intense.

OP posts:
Jackstini · 06/09/2005 10:02

Swiper - good luck today speaking to a debt advisor. If you can get that sorted out it will at least remove one source of stress from you both. Then you can concentrate on getting more help for dp. Let us know how you get on hon ((((hugs))))

littlerach · 06/09/2005 10:05

I really would speak to your landlord, as they would surely prefer to get some money from you, rather than no money and no tenants.

On a brighter note, how was DDs first day of school? DD1 started yesterday, and the housewas so quiet without her (whispers) "quite nice and quiet!!"

Original poster
swiperfox · 06/09/2005 11:02

Thanks guys

DD loved it at school - she was only at the pre-school but she has to wear a uniform jumper so was feeling all big and important bless her! It was sooooo quiet at home - walking back from the school felt a bit like i'd lost an arm!!

OP posts:
Jackstini · 06/09/2005 13:16

But at least that means you can get all excited about picking her up again!!

starlover · 06/09/2005 17:01

hi swiper... did you manage to phone anyone today? if so how did it go?