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Original poster

a terrible admission?

29 replies

bonkersboy · 28/08/2005 21:26

After fourteen months I am coming to the conclusion that I am just not enjoying being a mother.

I have a very lively and lovely DS who I am still BF (to sleep only) but who is always reluctant to sleep and wakes a lot during the night.

The other day we were in a museum (no choice, sadly) and he was the only baby awake and going mad in his pushchair. I never see other children awake or getting bored and restless like he does. In a way it is good as it shows he is bright but the occasional rest would be good. I have very little support as we are a long way from family and only a few local friends. DH also workds from home so I feel I have to stay out of his way as much as poss. to let him work.
I have a bit of childcare from a local lady.

I know there are thousands worse off than me but I also never seem to come across anyone saying that they are not enjoying being a mother and constantly long for their "old life" back.

I don't think this is PND but I would love to know what it is!!

OP posts:
stitch · 28/08/2005 21:32

its reality.
we dont all enjoy being a mum as much as we are supposedly supposed to. and we are made to feel guilty for it. well dont. you love your son im sure, but it doesnt mean that you have to love spending every minute of every day with him.
its just being human.

Ulysees · 28/08/2005 21:35

How old is ds? My eldest was like this and I used to blame myself but it was like you say, him being bright. He's almost 8 now and extremely intelligent. Not braggin as it doesn't come from me

Ulysees · 28/08/2005 21:37

Just a bit worried when you say you dont "think" it's PND.

Original poster
bonkersboy · 28/08/2005 21:42

He is 14 nearly months.

The reason I don't think it is PND is that I don't have any of the classic symptoms. I can sleep (when I have the chance), I don't want to burn the house down (a generalisation, I know). I just can't excited about my new job.

Of course I adore DS to bits. Perhaps I am just selfish and lazy ( I also suffer big time from the "martyr" syndrome!!)

OP posts:
fqueenzebra · 28/08/2005 21:52

motherhood can be very boring, you just sound BORED to me. This is partly why I became a Mother+Tots group addict. My boys are both the sorts who love them; that and working p/time brought my sanity back.

Original poster
bonkersboy · 28/08/2005 21:57

I would love to go to a a mother and toddler club - sadly I live in a country where such things don't exist. I am planning to go back to work soon (at home).

OP posts:
moondog · 28/08/2005 22:02

Where are you bb? Do you speak the language/have friends and contacts and so on? Some babies are hard work,definitely.My dd was like this (I swam for hours and hours with her in an attempt to burn off the energy and keep her entertained.)and tbh was dreading ds's birth in some ways,but he has turned out to be so easy.

If you are spending a lot of time alone with the baby,it's no surprise.My dh went to work abroad when dd was 7 mths and I spent most of the next three years alone with her.God it was hard!

shrub · 28/08/2005 22:02

boys are so physical,maybe he wanted to touch things in the museum - is there a children friendly section? or maybe not ready for museums yet. maybe he was trying to tell you he wants to race around the park playground or woods, dig a sandpit in the garden, use the hose? i have 3 ds's and they all love to swim - uses up all their energy, relaxes them and they tend to sleep well that night. i use to try taking my ds1 to the city and try and do some shhopping and he would howl the whole way round. i think looking back he is a very sensitive chap and just didn't like the sheer numbers of people, noises, lights, smells etc. though at the time all i could think of was what people were thinking - all those tutting pensioners! it took me along time to learn to let go and surrender to the fact that life really goes upside down when you have a baby. they say during a birth there are two people born a baby and a mother. i have found my children have been my biggest teacher in making me want to change, to play and engage with them, to be a better person. since having children i've found life is twice as hard but also twice as good as i learn to see the world from a brand new perspective -a whole new world to discover ! at that age i would try a lightwieght backpack and/or reins when out to let him explore and then carry when he's tired. your ds will probably make you some new friends along the way aswell. best of luck x

charliecat · 28/08/2005 22:21

I think it sounds like you are bored, are there other mums where you are, neighbours, relatives with kids? When my babies were at that age I spent most of my time in my jim jams having coffee with my neighbour who also had a baby. It kept me and her sane. Just having a coffee, talking about how much dishes we had to do.

Original poster
bonkersboy · 28/08/2005 22:25

Perhaps part of the problem is that he is not yet walking. He was crawling around the Guggenheim in Bilbao (we live in Spain) and it was attracting a few looks. If he had been toddling, it probably wouldn't have been so bad.

TBH, I think I am bored. Swimming sounds great - we even have a pool, but it's so hot here you can't swim. I know it sounds mad but DS is v. fair skinned and even with cream on it's prob not worth the risk.

I might start a toddler/baby club with the other British mothers here.....

OP posts:
charliecat · 28/08/2005 22:27

That sounds like a really good idea

Ulysees · 28/08/2005 22:31

good idea bonkersboy. I'd be bored silly too, I was also a mums and tots addict. Is there a facility locally?

beehive · 28/08/2005 22:54

this may sound a bit contraversial, but can i suggest that you get pregnant again, asap.

i think at the moment (and you will probably piss yourself laughing here) but it sounds like you have a bit too much time on your hands!

Have six more kids and you'll be so busy, you wont have tiome to worry about whether motherhood was such a good idea. I started off with twins, so never had the 'luxury' of worrying whether i was good enough/the babies wee well cared for /entertained etc etc etc.

It was just sheer hell from day one and i was constantly amazed about all the little things my friends would worry about with their 'single' child, i didn't have time to worry about any of it

before you all bite my head off, i would just like to say in my defense that i am more than a wee bit drunk

phatcat · 28/08/2005 23:08

bonkersboy - give it a few more months and it'll get MUCH more interesting. Give me a toddler over a baby anyday. When he's talking it'll be like you're out with a little friend. I can't get enough of my ds1 at the mo - when he's on form, he's great fun. And when you're on form the challenge of managing tantrums and egocentric toddler behaviour can be rewarding in itself.

leilinha · 28/08/2005 23:33

I totally agree it is much more interesting when they are older. I took my daughter to the cinema one day to see Madagascar and we had a great time. We enjoy spending time together and going out doing different things. I suggest you speak to your health visitor to assess whether or not you have postnatal depression (by answering a questionnaire). Also, she should be able to give you details on how to meet other mums through the Meet a Mum Association and local baby and toddler groups. I suffered from postnatal depression after the birth of my first and second daughter. They are now 4 years and the other 14 months old. I had to take antidepressants to help me cope and talking to other mums really helped too. Make sure you are looking after yourself like sleeping and eating properly. Also, try to have some time to pamper yourself or go out with partner once in a while. We use babysitter from sitters.co.uk once a month and it has been fantastic. When my first was younger I used to take her to tumble tots, jo jingles, playgrounds and parks, library,swimming and toddler groups. We never had time to be bored as we always did something everyday. You will both sleep so much better if you have a busy day and get out of the house. I hope this helps you a bit. Try to enjoy your litte one as much as you can as they grow up too quickly.

lucy5 · 28/08/2005 23:46

I felt like this and did have mild pnd my dd was 18 months at the time the doctor prescribed magnesium and vit b6. It was like a miracle, I could feel joy again. Its also hard being in a foreign country, I too live in Spain and have found it quite hard to break into the local community. The spanish are so family based, there are no such things as toddler groups etc,Grandads seem to have the the kids. I would look into the expat community, I bet there are things going on or you could start something. I also think that Spanish children are sometimes more passive, I see my dirty straggly haired daughter being frowned upon by th mothers of little frilly girls. As for swimming I take dd either about 10 o'clock in the morning or 6 o'clock in the afternoon. In winter i hung out in the park and made friends with a few expat mums and it helped tremendously.

FairyMum · 29/08/2005 06:53

I had PND after my DD and didn't enjoy motherhood much either. For me it got better when I went out to work as I just didn't enjoy being stuck at home and that sort of gave me a little bit of my old life back. Perhaps that would help you too if it's possible. I think many women feel lonely and depressed psending all their time with a baby especially if you don't have a great network of family and friends around you. It could be PND or at least sounds like depression. It's ok to admit you don't enjoy motherhood or at least not all aspects of it. It's not the same as saying you don't enjoy and love your child!

Original poster
bonkersboy · 29/08/2005 12:47

It's a bit difficult to know exactly what it is - we don't have HV here and no questionnaires. I'm not sure they would recognise such a thing here. Lucy5 is quite right about the way it works here and I'm sure that is part of the problem.

We just had a classic example of what he is like whilst wer were at a cafe in town. This 19month old boy came along. DS was in pushchair and he started trying to poke this boys eyes out, pull his hair, slap his face etc etc - all the things he does to me! This kid just stood there and took it whilst I am trying to peel DS' fingers off him. As it happens he was French but I seem to have the only DS in these parts who does this sort of thing. All his local little mates are girls and they don't pull or slap anything. This is normal boy stuff isn't it??

OP posts:
Dior · 29/08/2005 12:58

Message withdrawn

Stilltrue · 29/08/2005 13:35

BB my eldest ds, now nearly 12, was just like that and he's very bright indeed! Never sat still, never slept, was never silent. I had ds2 20 m after ds1 and then became too busy to be bored. My 4th child (ds3) is nearly 20m and similarly "on the go" the whole time; he did become "easier", or less frustrated by his environment, once he could walk. Keep as active as you can and things will look up soon I'm sure. Revel in his curiosity and energy and go with the flow. much easier said than done, but I have found that to be one cliche which actually works.

lucy5 · 29/08/2005 17:36

bb if you search the archives there is a thread about an online pnd test. maybe put a call out for mears I think she is an hv.

Sexonlegs · 29/08/2005 21:56

Bonkersboy, I can totally relate to this too. I am not sure if I had/have PND - my dd is over 2 now, but I still have days of feeling helpless and panicy (sp?) I returned to work pt when dd was 7 months, and that has helped hugely, but the days when I have her, I have to admit, aren't particularly enjoyable. She is v interactive, bright etc, but she is also v feisty, and if we are with other children, I have to watch her like a hawk as she pinches, bites and pulls hair - it is so embarassing - she has started doing it with adults now as well.

I don't know really what to suggest, but just wanted to say I know how you feel.

Original poster
bonkersboy · 29/08/2005 23:33

Thanks SOL. I did the test and scored 17. Then DH did it "on my behalf" and scored 19!

I'm still not sure and don't want to be a PND fraud.

SOL, how do you remove DD from other children? DS does not respond to "no" at all and frankly I feel stupid even trying as is he still a bit little to get it. I think I mostly do it so other parents/people think I am at least trying to stop my child hurting theirs.

OP posts:
milward · 29/08/2005 23:40

Can you have a break from looking after your ds - just one day to yourself. I have no family nearby or friends that can help with all dds. Some days I just feel like I wish I could have someone do everything for me and just be completly responsible for my kids. My dh is great but works long hours.

Monstersmum · 30/08/2005 09:39

How long have you been living in Spain? There are diff phases that you go through as an expat - I know I am one!

I found that getting together with other Mums was essential for my sanity. My DS is now 4 and at school but I remember the stage you are at well.

Boys are def different to girls - I was once told that they need to be exercised a bit like Golden Retreivers! RE the swimming - slather him with factor 60 and put one of those all in one UV protection suits on him. I used to live in Asia and even the fair skinned kids were fine in the sun once they had sun cream on - just keep re-applying it.

Starting mother/baby/tots group sounds like a good idea. There are bound to be others like you. Is there an ex-pat women's assoc of some description where you are? Even if you think that something like that wouldn't be for you - it can really help. I have moved around a fair bit and even though I struggle at the beginning I make myself join up. I have made some great friends this way.

Ws amazed over the summer here to meet 2 seperate UK mums here at the park who hadn't managed to find any other ex-pats and were really struggling.

Also - don't discount the PND. It may be slight but a friend of mine was diagnosed with PND and it was only when she started to feel better that she realised how un-motivated she had been.

God luck - hope you start to feel better.