Could Someone come and talk to me abut Bipolar Disorder please? (long OP sorry)

[LacksDaisies]

As I think I may have it and am really scared

I'm a regular, who has namechanged (badly and someone will probably recognise me) I changed name slightly so this wouldn't come up in search.

I have a long history of depression and although I was always a bit up and down when I was younger, I didn't have my first major ill period until my DS1 was about 6 months old and I was 33. I was diagnosed with PND and have been on and off ADs over the last eight years following roughly the same pattern.....have a major wobbly, go completely mental, get prescribed ADs, take them till I feel better, stop, muddle along for a few months until it all went pearshaped again....and so on and so forth.

A few years ago, I was pregnant with my DD and was, in the words of my DH, proper mental. I can't explain fully what I was like, as I only have a vague recollection of the period, but I was like a thing possessed. Everything had to be done instantly, I was flighty and impulsive, quick to temper and terrorised my lovely lovely beautiful DS1 (DH was working away and poor DS1 took the brunt of it all ). When DH was home at weekends I was throwing things, screamingm, hissy fits, the works. Anyhoo, he finally dragged me to the doctors when I was about 35 weeks pregnant, and was diagnosed with AND and placed under the care of the perinatal mental health team. they were brilliant, got me on medication and helped me get through the first months with a new baby. I was discharged from their care when I was about 6 months postnatal, and was, to all intents and purposes doing OK, but the hideous phases of being calm and lovely and then being utterly possessed were still going on. I was loathe to share the bad stuff with my HCPs as I treated my poor DH and DS1 appallingly when things were bad, screaming at them, charging round the house madly tidying up throwing things in the bin because they were cluttering up the floor. this all sounds pretty lame, but scared the pants of me whilst it was all happening.

To cut a long story short, I have been struggling with this for eight years and over the bir5th of three children, and recently things came to a head again. This time last week I was contemplating which would be fairer on my family; me disappearing into the ether or me killing myself I saw the GP on Monday and he has increased my meds, but I've had a week in a zombie like state where my poor DH has had to take a week off work as I was incapable of speaking and eating, let alone looking after three children. Today, I am feeling much better than I have for a very long time, but I am still contemplating my uselessness as a human being and thinking that my family would be much better off without me

I have recently been doing a bit of research into my symptoms, and the more I read, the more my depression fits the description of bipolar.

My question is though, are there degrees of bipolar? I ask this because my hyper, manic phases are maybe not as extreme as stuff I've seen portrayed in the media. I have taken riskes with my health, but not overly so(although recreational drug taking and sleepiong around have figured in the past); I have been flighty and impulsive, but it's things like re-painting the kitchen with the breakfast dishes are still on the table, waking up one morning and deciding to buy a new car and not stopping until I brought a new car home the same day. It all sounds a bit lame, when described through the dulling of the years, but it has been pretty intense at the time. these days my manicness manifests itself in going uttelry mad and deciding to clean the house from top to bottom (and woe betide any child whi steps in my way), getting all hung up on a project to the exclusion of all esle and then losing interest pretty quickly...Usborne Books, Nappy Advisor, knitting stuff to sell, wanting to learn guitar and buying a guitar which is now cobweb bedecked and ignored.

Anyhoo, it all sounds a bit lame, but the more I read of bipolar the more it fits the patterns of my life.

I would love to discuss this with my GP, or my MH team, but am scared I will get laughed out of the room. Am I being stupid and paranoid, or is it possible I have a less extreme form of the disease? I'm also pretty scared about the fact that the new meds have got me feeling suicidal, and am worried that this increased dose is making me feel more suicidal

God this is long and rambly and probably not making a lot of sense, but it feels good to write it down. I wish I could get over just how desperate things have been as it all sounds a bit lame when written down like this.

If anyone has stuck with it this long, can you shed any light on this? Should I talk to my HCPs or just shut up and get on with it.

bumping as things are moving pretty quickly tonight.

Talk to your HCPs. I've got to go out and can't type much right now but will be back later.

My dad has bipolar and you could be describing him pre-diagnosis.

I'll be back later.

Not lame, not stupid and paranoid and I can completely understand not wanting to talk to HCP about it. But they will understand and you should not just shut up and get on with it.

I would speak to your GP / MH team as soon as possible about your suicidal feelings as the could be related to the drugs and either way, it sounds like your medicine needs to be monitored and may need to be adjusted.

Try to get referred to a counsellor or find a private one as it's sometimes easier to talk to someone on a regular basis for a fixed amount of time rather than thinking you have to make an appointment and get your point (which to you might sound "Lame" across in 10 minutes).

I'm also a big fan of complimentary medicine as I think this puts you in charge of your illness and can be taken along side AD's so I would find a Homeopath who also uses Bach Flower / Australian Bush Flower remedies who you like and can talk to (interview them on the phone before you have an appointment and if you don't like them, try someone else!)

Well done you for recognising your problem, reseaching it, and doing something about it. The future is in your hands and your family will not be better off without you, but will be better off with a you who is better - ie more in control of your illness!!

There are certainly to my knowledge varying degrees and no healthcare professional should laugh at you wanting to talk about it.

Your family would certainly not be better without you, your children love you. I know people whose parents have killed themselves and they simply never get over it, don't ever think they would be better off without you as this is so very untrue.

My mum has BPD, and she would often half-paint things. It does sound plausible. She takes risperidol and has been stable (although depressed to the extent that she is unable to work) for years.

The "manic" phases you describe sound like hypomania (less full on than full blown mania with less loss of function and no psychotic symptoms), which could indicate a possible bipolar type 2 diagnosis. Definitely worth chatting with your Mental Health Team, though you may find it makes little difference to your treatment plan, unless they feel you could benefit from a mood stabiliser. You definitely need to talk to them about your medication making you feel suicidal, anyway. It's quite common but shouldn't last long and needs monitoring.

My dp has bi-polar and what you're describing does sound a little similar.

He has larger episodes though and is then fine in between. His episodes generally begin with him going completely manic -

lots of energy but 'hyper' twitchy type energy - can't sleep properly (this is an early warning sign),

starts loads of jobs but is unable to really concentrate on anything (has been unable to make a cup of tea before - just couldn't work out what to do first and was almost spinning in circles as he had no clear thought process telling him first get the kettle, then put some water in etc etc,

chatters nineteen to the dozen - becoming less and less lucid as the time goes on (forgot our kids etc),

is very focused on himself and his needs - will rage and shout if things don't go to his liking,

becomes obsessive about things,

swings between talking about having dug all the garden (at 3am ) to being in tears saying he knows he's not well,

has a lot of physical strength - has thrown out furniture and things that he wouldn't usually be able to move,

is very impulsive and, as he loses touch with reality, will do stranger and stranger things with little warning.

All this is the beginning stage and unless quickly medicated/monitored he then develops delusions, paranoia, massively erratic and frightening behaviour.

After being medicated (and sectioned) he will fall into a depressive state and his meds are then slowly tailored to get him to a middle ground. They are unable to put him onto anti-d's too quickly as he will possibly go back into the manic stage.

Previously he has come off all medication and been fine for lengthy periods but after the latest episode he is still on a fair amount of tablets but quite happily in the middle ground plodding along. No idea if he will ever come off them as he appears to be having no after care now he's neither severely high or low

If i were you i would speak to your HCPs. There are loads of different variations of bi-polar and the cycles can be rapid and the highs and lows aren't always so pronounced as my dp's. Does sound to me like it's worth an ask - if they say it's not then maybe they will explain why not and if it's something to do with your type of depression. I'm sure it is possible for you to have a less extreme form of it though - my dp has managed it without meds at different times and has managed to pull himself back from getting into an episode so it can be lived with to a degree even within someone who's been sectioned multiple times.

Hope you get some answers. Defintely need to mention about your suicidal feelings anyway lovely so maybe ask at the same time. x

thanks for the responses

In my more lucid moments I know that suicide is not the answer, but after the few weeks we have had, and the damage I am doing to my children, especially my 8yo DS, I just can't see how me being here is helping him in any way shape or form.

We had a movie night tonight, just the two of us (littlies on bed, DH out fishing), in a bid for me to try and repair some of the damage I've done, but I think it's too little too late . Am even surprised that DH trusted me to be alone with the DC.

LaaDeDah, I recognise a lot of myself in the things you are describing, especially the impulsiveness, the throwing things way too big for me to normally be able to lift, the raging and shouting if things don't go to my liking . thing is though, although I know this sort of behaviour is wrong, I just can't help myself and once the ball has started rolling, it takes a lot to make it stop. Then I worry that that is just me making excuses for what is essentially pretty appalling behaviour.

I get so scared though, as I hate it when it happens, and want it to stop, but it just keeps going. And if it scares me, what must it be like for an 8 yo and a 3 yo to witness (DS2 bless him just thinks its a big game and runs round after me screaming as well )

Dh is going back to work on Monday and I am shitting myself about having to cope on my own.

Please don't take antidepressants if there is a possibility you are on the bipolar spectrum, they can worsen the frequency and severity of mood swings and the course of the illness generally. Obviously don't just stop without talking to your doctor first. They are the single worst thing you can take, unless short term and in conjunction with an anti-manic agent.

Lacks How did you do today?

my best friend is diagnosed bi-polar and your 'manic' episodes sound like exactly what she has experienced.

no one will laugh at you for suggesting this

your kids need you, and you just need help and support

hope you are getting it...

Oh, thanks for the additional responses.

I've had a few days of feeling pretty normal, but this morning I feel worse again and can feel panic mounting when I think about the things I have to achieve today. Can't really explain it, but nervous excitement with shades of utter panic just about sums it up. But different from when I have felt anxious in the past if that makes sense.

I've called the CMH team and left a message for my contact there, but she is out the office until tomorrow.

Mitchy, I had read that about ADs and was wondering if me switching to fluoxetine a couple of months ago had brought things to a head?

I feel I'm coping at the minute though.

Kids need to be picked up from school and they need to eat but all other tasks can wait! Don't set yourself too many things to do! And get out of the house for a walk if you feel anxious / panicky!

Thanks MistyB

I have to go to the post office and go buy sushi for my DS's school project on Japan, but other than that I'm not doing a great deal.

Hugs LD x

I no nothing of Bi-polar but have suffered with depression. I hope you start to feel better soon. x

LacksDaisies.i have written on several threads about my sister who is also Bi-polar.I think for you ,the best thing is to get the correct diagnosis.Although not a pleasant illness for the sick person or their families,with the right help and support things can and will improve enormously.Please make your appointment.I will watch out for you.

I do think you should see your GP ASAP too - it really does sound like your meds need changing. Sushi!! I'm impressed - they sell it at the Post Office!!?!

lol, PO next door to marks & spencer thankfully so only one trip out!

Thank you so much for the messages It really does feel like you are on your own with depression and knowing there is somewhere to get support makes a huge difference, although talking to my mum friends, it's a lot more common than I thought.

DH has read up on depression and has decided I am a no caffeine, no aspartamine and no alcohol zone....I think going cold turkey isn't helping at the minute, but I know that will settle in a few days...although I just bought a can of contraband diet coke when I was out!

Thanks coolkat

x x

Shame about M&S, I was picturing some right on North London Post Office with a deli counter serving sushi, parma ham and smelly French cheese!

I'm impressed you've been talking to your Mum friends, that takes some guts. Well done, hope it makes you feel less like you are in this on your own.

Great that you have a supportive DH too. Dr Raj Persaud has written some accessible books.

Detox is tough at the best of times so good luck!! I had a nutritionist tell me once to take it all at a speed that you are comfortable with, you are more likely to stick to it rather than fail at the first hurdle!

I am wary of anyone who says that they have all the answers but there may be more to the food thing. Link here

Good Luck - I think you are being very strong!!

Not having a great day today . But, spoke to the CBT lady and she is referring me to the next rung up the ladder for a proper assessment. It could be a two week wait though, although I told her exactly whay has been going on over the last few weeks and she said she would put it all in her letter and hopefully I'll be seen sooner. She said that they will come out to me though so that is one less thing to think about.

In the meantime if things get worse I have to call either GP/OOH/NHS Direct or go straight to A&E.

Thanks for the link MistyB

Hi lacks sorry you are going through this, nothing I can really add, but wanted to say I think you are being amazingly strong and brave for facing this, I hope you are feeling better soon and you know where I am if you need a sounding board

Aw ellie, thanks lovely

Do you actually have regular reviews with the same person at a cmht? they have duty workers so someone is always available to talk and offer support/ access to psychiatrist. Now with home treatment teams if people are becoming unwell people can be seen 7 days a week in home until they start getting better. ads are useful for treating bipolar but need to be carefully monitored due to risk of prompting a manic episode. there are stages of mania as someone has pointd out with a milder version known as hypomania which is categorised by impulsivity lack of concentration and inability to complete tasks also overspending and grandiose thoughts. Most people with bipolar enjoy these episodes of mania as it leaves them with feeling that they can do anything and on top of the world which is why its quite difficult to treat and people put themselves in dangerous situations as insight tends to go quite quickly. Stress plays a big part too in developing and maintaining symptoms. Have you tried contacting the manic depressive fellowship organisation as they do great support groups teaching people ways of coping with the illness and looking at early warning signs in order to get help more quickly when experiencing relapse. it is one of the more treatable mental health problems though and with a good care package you should start to get some control back and normality back for you and your family. Good luck