Could Someone come and talk to me abut Bipolar Disorder please? (long OP sorry)

[LacksDaisies]

As I think I may have it and am really scared

I'm a regular, who has namechanged (badly and someone will probably recognise me) I changed name slightly so this wouldn't come up in search.

I have a long history of depression and although I was always a bit up and down when I was younger, I didn't have my first major ill period until my DS1 was about 6 months old and I was 33. I was diagnosed with PND and have been on and off ADs over the last eight years following roughly the same pattern.....have a major wobbly, go completely mental, get prescribed ADs, take them till I feel better, stop, muddle along for a few months until it all went pearshaped again....and so on and so forth.

A few years ago, I was pregnant with my DD and was, in the words of my DH, proper mental. I can't explain fully what I was like, as I only have a vague recollection of the period, but I was like a thing possessed. Everything had to be done instantly, I was flighty and impulsive, quick to temper and terrorised my lovely lovely beautiful DS1 (DH was working away and poor DS1 took the brunt of it all ). When DH was home at weekends I was throwing things, screamingm, hissy fits, the works. Anyhoo, he finally dragged me to the doctors when I was about 35 weeks pregnant, and was diagnosed with AND and placed under the care of the perinatal mental health team. they were brilliant, got me on medication and helped me get through the first months with a new baby. I was discharged from their care when I was about 6 months postnatal, and was, to all intents and purposes doing OK, but the hideous phases of being calm and lovely and then being utterly possessed were still going on. I was loathe to share the bad stuff with my HCPs as I treated my poor DH and DS1 appallingly when things were bad, screaming at them, charging round the house madly tidying up throwing things in the bin because they were cluttering up the floor. this all sounds pretty lame, but scared the pants of me whilst it was all happening.

To cut a long story short, I have been struggling with this for eight years and over the bir5th of three children, and recently things came to a head again. This time last week I was contemplating which would be fairer on my family; me disappearing into the ether or me killing myself I saw the GP on Monday and he has increased my meds, but I've had a week in a zombie like state where my poor DH has had to take a week off work as I was incapable of speaking and eating, let alone looking after three children. Today, I am feeling much better than I have for a very long time, but I am still contemplating my uselessness as a human being and thinking that my family would be much better off without me

I have recently been doing a bit of research into my symptoms, and the more I read, the more my depression fits the description of bipolar.

My question is though, are there degrees of bipolar? I ask this because my hyper, manic phases are maybe not as extreme as stuff I've seen portrayed in the media. I have taken riskes with my health, but not overly so(although recreational drug taking and sleepiong around have figured in the past); I have been flighty and impulsive, but it's things like re-painting the kitchen with the breakfast dishes are still on the table, waking up one morning and deciding to buy a new car and not stopping until I brought a new car home the same day. It all sounds a bit lame, when described through the dulling of the years, but it has been pretty intense at the time. these days my manicness manifests itself in going uttelry mad and deciding to clean the house from top to bottom (and woe betide any child whi steps in my way), getting all hung up on a project to the exclusion of all esle and then losing interest pretty quickly...Usborne Books, Nappy Advisor, knitting stuff to sell, wanting to learn guitar and buying a guitar which is now cobweb bedecked and ignored.

Anyhoo, it all sounds a bit lame, but the more I read of bipolar the more it fits the patterns of my life.

I would love to discuss this with my GP, or my MH team, but am scared I will get laughed out of the room. Am I being stupid and paranoid, or is it possible I have a less extreme form of the disease? I'm also pretty scared about the fact that the new meds have got me feeling suicidal, and am worried that this increased dose is making me feel more suicidal

God this is long and rambly and probably not making a lot of sense, but it feels good to write it down. I wish I could get over just how desperate things have been as it all sounds a bit lame when written down like this.

If anyone has stuck with it this long, can you shed any light on this? Should I talk to my HCPs or just shut up and get on with it.

I completely understand what you are going through LacksDaisies, I call it Me, Myself & I
Me: I have struggled since I was a young teenager with all the signs & symptoms of Bipolar, but not knowing what I had, I definitely knew something was wrong, but thought i was just a difficult person, I held down a successful job for 30 years, although all the time thinking my bad depressive behaviour was just me being a horrid person, I would dread going to work & having to face people, I would do all sorts of things to get out of it, fake sick day's, Put soap in my eye's, harm myself, shut myself indoors ignoring the phone, not answering the door & hide in bed for day's, I would not wash, change clothes, I would scream at my children picking on trivial things an escalating arguments, paranoia always set in, I thought no one liked me & they talked about me looking & starring at me, I would stand alone in the school playground while other mum's were chatting away in friendly small groups, it was such torture for me, I picked unnecessary arguments with my husband & storm of threatening to kill myself on many occasion ending up sitting in wood's in the pouring rain for hours contemplating suicide & even non successfully trying to commit suicide or running away, over the last four years when I finally ended up being taken to my GP, I have been hospitalised & undergone therapy & seen psychiatrists
Myself: On my high days I would not sleep up all our's of night & day rushing to achieve & get thing done, moving furniture at 2am in the morning to painting all night, I would spend money we needed for bills, hiding the thing's that I had brought once returned was home, it so bad to the extent in which we lost our home due to my irresponsible behaviour, I treated friend's, family to lavish meals, day's out, gift's, I would overly indulge myself, my children, my friend's & constantly show & tell them how much they meant to me, my ambitions & idea's went from one project to another changing daily, I applied & passed job interviews for positions that were well out of my depth, I made up stories to my friend's firmly believing what I was telling them , I have lied & exaggerated time & time again until it get's out of control.
& I: My friends don't know the real me either I just about held down a good job until four years ago when I was 46 years old, I made friend's easily at times & lost them to due to my behaviour, I have four wonderful boy's the eldest 20 & at university & my youngest 5years old, they are all loving, well behaved rounded guy's & thankfully showing no signs of my medical condition. I meet my husband at 21 & we have now been married for 22 years, it has not been easy for him he has been my life line, dedicated, understanding, supportive, patient, calm, loving, wonderful but everyday I live in fear he will walk out & leave me due to the constant pressure's & problem's of living with someone like me & who he is coming home to, even with medication it's tiring & a struggle being someone & living with someone that's suffering with BIPOLAR!
However there is only one thing I can guarantee whichever one of ME MYSELF & I is today, it will not be the same one that wake's tomorrow! Take care LacksDaisies x

Hi it's kimls again, I just wanted to add, go to your GP's & talk book a double appointment so they have time to listen & you don't feel rushed, try & take your husband with you, ask to be referred to the mental health team, they give very good support & are on call 24 hours, see if you can be placed on a few therapy courses usually held in your local hospital with small groups & are about 8 week's long a few hours once a week I would recommend. Also I take medication & it does help keep me slightly more level, I take daily Mood Stabilizers, two different types of Antidepressants & Sleeping tablets. I hope this help's you as I know how tough having Bipolar is and many do not understand the illness, many think it's just away of attention seeking or an excuse not to work, they tell you to pull yourself together &
say "what have you got to be depressed about?" Well the answer to that question is your brain has a chemical imbalance the same as a diabetic sufferer requires Insulin, bipolar sufferers require medication to keep them stable, many famous people have or had bipolar Stephen Fry, Churchill, Russell Brand, Alastair Campbell, Ludwig Boltzmann, Carrie Fisher, Connie Francis, Vivien Leigh, Florence Nightingale, the list is endless so do not think you are alone & it is not a question of being intelligent or unintelligent, It's Medical & there is help for you! Good luck x

Hi kimls. thank you soooo much for your posts. Very honest and very helpful, and pretty much sums up some of the stuff that has gone on with me over the years.

misslostmarbles, I haven't had one single contact, no. Since moving here five years ago, I was first really ill when I was pregnant with my DD 3.5 years ago, and it was diagnosed as AND and I saw the perinatal team. They discharged me at about 9 months post natal as I was doing OK. I had another referral to them when I was pregnant with my DS2 and saw the same team. Again, I was discharged back to my GP at about 6months post natal. I was doing OK until just after Christmas when it all got on top of me again and the GP suggested CBT/counselling. I had an initial interview with someone there; not sure if she was a nurse or what (her title was just MEntal health practisioner) and she said she would refer me for the 6 week CBT course that they run. I had only had one appointment, with someone different, when I had my recent episode, for want of a better word. I called them on Wed and as I had missed the appt and not got intouch within their 10 day limit they had discharged me again (seems a bit odd to me that if someone with a MH problem misses an appointment they are discharged...do they not consider that you may have been too ill to attend). anyway she has referred me further up the ladder. Hopefully now I will get some continuity of care.

Feeling much much better but have had a few quite scary moments; going from the depths of depression to experiencing almost unbridled joy at something pretty banal on TV, and have been struggling to keep a lid on my feelings. Fingers crossed the referral comes quickly.

Lacks, well done for getting on that referral. Be proud of that. If you want a chat, I'm in the usual place. You are so brave and you've got so far, don't give up now.

once you know your gp has referred you to a team, phone them up and speak to someone. you will speak to the duty worker whose responsibility it is to assess your call and get you an urgent appointment. often the worker will call gp to get their assessment rather than rely on a referral as gps put urgent on everything. do try the manic depressive fellowship though if you get this diagnosis as they are so good at putting people back in control with or without medication. take care.

thanks again missLM.

It was the CMH CBT therapist who was writing the referral. I saw my GP today and told him that she was referring me further up the ladder. He said if I haven't heard anything by the end of the week to call him and he will chase it up.

I feel sooo much more human again today though. Am very tired as I'm not sleeping well, but other than that am doing OK.

i think DH is struggling with it, as just over a week ago I was ready to go and this week I'm planning on a part time college course for my latest hairbrained scheme. Of course I don't feel it IS hairbrained and am full of excitement that this might finally be the thing for me, but I can see his POV. I am terrified of all my thoughts at the minute, whether they are real or whether it's a symptom of the illness.

I'm also horribly absent minded and am forgetting things or being very easily distracted. I feel there is too much stuff just buzzing round inside my head that there isn't room for the mundanities, if that makes sense.

but, I am functioning well at the minute, so that's a relief.

When you get your appointment discuss all your fears and concerns and if possible take dh with you. write things down before you see them any quetions and give this hitory. Uually you dont get a diagnois until there is evidence of a manic phase so talk about your symptoms. Ask what your care package will be and discuss risky behaviour. there are 2 levels of care package and you should get a careplan which will tell people what treatment you are recieving and what you should do in an emergency. Get your meds reviewed. Glad to hear you are feeling a bit more normal but this is the risky stage as people dont attend appointments or stop taking their meds cos everything is ok. You should really take ad continuously for 6 months before stopping them. Good luck