Unsure whether to try for a third child after difficulties

[LizE678]

I have two boys, one nearly five, the other two and a half. I want to have another child - I don't quite feel done and, in some hard to explain way, my family doesn't feel complete. But I really struggled going from one to two. I also had a difficult birth with the first and a difficult post-partum period with both boys. Neither of the boys have been good sleepers, neither have been good eaters. I'm pretty sure my eldest is neurodivergent so he is very sensitive and particular. It's probably safe to say that on the whole I've found parenting really challenging.

It's taken a toll on my relationship too - we're in a better place now but we have very little time together just the two of us. We have no other family support around so no childcare other than nursery / school. I don't know if it's just my hormones telling me I want another because my logical brain says maybe we're not in the right place. It would mean we'd probably need a bigger house, a bigger car etc. I'd have to put my career on hold.

I have been thinking about having a larger gap between children and maybe having another when my youngest is 4 and more independent but I am 36 so I don't want to increase the likelihood of complications and I also worry that a larger gap would mean siblings wouldn't be as close and it would be harder to do things as a whole family.

Am I thinking too much with my heart on this one and it's time to close the door? I know no one ever regrets having a child because once they're here you love them, but (if you have three) I'm wondering if anyone's had the thought they should have stopped at two? Or if you've had a larger gap between children, how has that looked? Also if you have three boys what is life like because I have a feeling if we were to have another we'd have another boy!

Or maybe a better question - if you have three, how do you feel your family dynamic has changed since having two?

My 1st turned 4 this week and I have a 3 month old - I'd say it's a good age gap as my eldest is very helpful and interested in the baby, and there has been very little jealousy so far.

That said though, the newborn period was tough. A small child and a vulnerable tiny baby are not an easy mix 😅 you need eyes in the back of your head, I'm not sure how I'd cope with 3. Also I found pregnancy so hard the 2nd time round - whether that was just because I got bigger the 2nd time or age-related (I was 37) or just the additional tiredness of running round after my eldest, who knows? 3 must be that x 100.

Could you sit down and have a serious think to identify why you truly want a third? Because if you had a bad birth and 2 bad postpartums, I'm a bit surprised you want to do it again really when you already have 2 young kids to wear you out.

Could it just be sadness around moving away from the childbearing years of your life, which were always a major thing ahead of you? Because I feel that myself, very much. But I still don't think I'd want to do another pregnancy and birth, and 3 would be such hard work - albeit lovely too.

What does your husband think?

We have 2, youngest 10 months old but have been considering whether we would like a third and one of my closest friends said to me- what would having a third bring that your two already don’t?

It sort of made us think properly, we’d need a bigger house, bigger car, another maternity leave, takes time away from the two we already have, no pregnancy comes with a guarantee of a healthy baby and so what would life look like for all of us if we were to have a third and they had additional needs or health needs, framing it in reality sort of made us think actually we are extremely lucky and blessed with what we have, and there is no need to roll the dice.

It’s your hormones. Stick with 2. You’ll be glad you did once you’re out of the trenches. Teenagers are very expensive!

I had a 21 math gap between 1&2 and it was rough - you are just constantly torn. Marriage went through the mill as well. When they were 4 and 6 we decided to have a 3rd. It was much easier in comparison because of the age gap.

It was not easy when my bastard ex left when she was 4 months old mind!

Ive enjoyed having three but there are challenges - they don’t need you any less and you are split 3 ways. A 4 year old doesn’t necessarily want to do what an 8 and 10 year old doesn’t necessarily and vice versa, they tended to gang up 2:1 with each other and 3:1 at me!

And yes teenagers are expensive- mine are 23,22 and 17 and one boomeranged back home so I have 2 adults living here still wanting food and lifts and driving experience- I’m working full time and old- it’s pretty relentless

I don’t regret my third at all but it’s a different dynamic and can be hard

Yep, it's hormones. Stick with the two healthy kids you have. You said yourself you found parenting a challenge and your marriage has suffered. Another baby is not the answer.

If you’ve had a tough post partum period both times and have two poor sleepers - why would you do it to yourself again?! A vague ‘don’t feel done’ answer isn’t a good enough reason.

Think practically.

Yes I think it is my hormones. But having children in the first place was a dice roll and despite the difficulties they have massively enriched my life. I was worried about how I'd cope having a second when my first was still waking hourly every night two years in, but again, despite the challenges, another child has bought so many positive things - I have learnt so much, he is so different from his brother and I love how they have their own unique qualities. I think it has been a really positive thing for my older one having a sibling (though he might not agree) who is so different to him. I guess I'm wondering if a third child could bring yet more. Maybe that is wishful, rose-tinted thinking....

I have 3, but I have a big age gap between my first and my second and third. My second two have a similar age gap to your two. I wouldnt have had a third without the big age gap that already existed. He was a self sufficient teenager by the time my second was born so having my third was almost like having a second, if that makes sense.

I have 2 boys about the same age as yours and am pregnant with our third. I do pregnancy really well, I don't get health issues or morning sickness. But this has been incredibly hard. On me as a mother, and on our relationship. And we are bloody solid and have handled so much so easily as a couple. I wouldn't recommend a third of you have struggled already with parenting and your relationship. Before the baby is even born it's going to put a huge strain on you.

It's most likely your hormones. I have three and didn't feel done, but DH was adamant he was. He had a vasectomy and I really struggled with it for a while, but now my youngest is nearly 10 I'm so glad we stopped when we did. Teens are expensive and emotionally challenging. I have two DCs with SEN and that's had an impact on my mental health, sleep and career. There is nothing that we could have got from a fourth child that we haven't got from the three already here.

Stick with two - if your eldest is ND your second and even your third could be - the real challenges are yet to come.

I think the hormones are very strong at 36! I remember it well. It’s really emotional too. I didn’t feel complete either but with a very academically able ND older child I can’t tell you how challenging it is on the home life.

don’t do it. This is your easiest time. It will only get harder.