Having a kid with someone you're unsure about?

JigglyJellyfish · 2025-07-12T09:39:47+00:00

Is it better to have a kid with someone you're not sure about or go it alone? I've just left a great relationship because he wasnt ready for kids (im heartbroken, this is the person o want to be with) and I'm 42 this year so time is running out. I'm now with someone who wants it but I'm really not sure if I want him to father my kids because of his mental health and some unhealthy relationship patterns (he is also relly great & supportive). Considering going it alone and/or even going back to my ex & suggesting I parent with a donor & we get back together. I've never wanted solo parenting, it's a family I want, but it might be my only option now & I don't have the luxury of time to find someone new. Any advice appreciated!

Profpudding · 12/07/2025 10:41

I think it’s an extremely selfish act
My children have thrown in my face. Why did you have us? I was married to him. I had no reason to believe that they wouldn’t have a perfect lovely family. And they was still angry when we split and the effect that it had on them.
People massively minimise these days. The damage done to children born in what they perceived To Be less than perfect circumstances. It doesn’t even matter what you think. It’s what their friend’s family life is etc

PIPERHELLO · 12/07/2025 10:43

Omg! I can’t believe you’re asking this! Do not have kids with a guy you’re unsure about.

Are you crazy?!

tonyhawks23 · 12/07/2025 10:44

Definitely better to go it alone than parent with someone your not sure on.

BertieBotts · 12/07/2025 10:44

The person you pick to be your child's parent and provide half their genetic make up is a big deal.

Choose someone you can rely on even if that is yourself.

MsJemimaPuddleDuck · 12/07/2025 10:44

going back to your ex isnt a option is it? He doesnt want kids even with a donor he doesnt want the responsibility.
youre being extremely selfish, a child deserves a stable family dont have a child out of being desperate.

BertieBotts · 12/07/2025 10:45

Go and read some of the posts in the step-parenting forum or relationships forum or AIBU about parenting dilemmas with exes - don't convince yourself that won't happen to you.

Thatslife234 · 12/07/2025 10:50

Really feel for you OP as you have left it rather late at 42. How long did you spend with your ex? If he doesn't want kids you should of left him immediately

Far too many P**s around even at mod 30s saying they are unsure about having kids.

Mental health is a huge flag and I wouldn't deliberately get pregnant to a person with those issues.

@Profpudding how old are your DC? Your DC will understand one day especially if you have DDs life isn't a fairy tale and things don't always work out. I'm a single mum not planned but it is what it is.

SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 12/07/2025 10:50

Your ex doesn't want a kid, so he's not an option, you have a very new boyfriend with mental health problems (and what does unhealthy relationship patterns mean?) who you haven't been dating long enough to know him.
A sperm donor seems the best option, but you wrote that you don't want to lone parent.

TheAmusedQuail · 12/07/2025 10:54

I'd say do what you have to, to have the baby you want. I wouldn't have a baby with someone with mental health issues though. It can be genetic, and while you really don't know what genes your child will get, it seems a bit daft not to try to weed out an obvious possibility.

If you leave it, you'll miss out. But be prepared to go it alone.

Sassybooklover · 12/07/2025 10:55

Don't have a child with someone you are unsure of and certainly don't go back to your ex!! Both options are dire, and will cause nothing but issues going forward. Your ex made it clear he doesn't want children, so why do you think having a child by a donor is going to make a difference to him???? He doesn't want family life, regardless if the child is biologically his or not!! You expect to have a relationship with him, live together and your child is to ignore this man, because he's not interested in them!!! Good God!!! Even if there was a slim possibility of your ex agreeing (why the hell would he!), the damage this would do to your child is immense. As for having a child with a man who's not emotionally or mentally stable, that's just as bad. Either find someone else or go it alone. Don't make bad choices out of desperation, because your child will be the one to suffer the consequences. You are being selfish, and only thinking of yourself, even considering these options, and aren't thinking of the potential child or the long-term consequences.

Profpudding · 12/07/2025 11:03

Thatslife234 · 12/07/2025 10:50

Really feel for you OP as you have left it rather late at 42. How long did you spend with your ex? If he doesn't want kids you should of left him immediately

Far too many P**s around even at mod 30s saying they are unsure about having kids.

Mental health is a huge flag and I wouldn't deliberately get pregnant to a person with those issues.

@Profpudding how old are your DC? Your DC will understand one day especially if you have DDs life isn't a fairy tale and things don't always work out. I'm a single mum not planned but it is what it is.

This was when they were younger. I don’t think they would say the same to me now they’re out of the 10 years but. They aren’t wrong. I should’ve chose better. Hindsight is 2020 isn’t it?
But if this person has got the information upfront, my goodness should be a fool to do it
Buy sperm off the Internet, it’s easier

Shnuzzbucket · 12/07/2025 11:11

New guy - no, you dont know enough about him, and harsh as it seems, maybe his mental health issues are genetic.

Ex - christ no, he's an ex for a reason

Alone - i wouldn't. But if you really want to, this is best of a bad bunch of options

cheezncrackers · 12/07/2025 11:12

I would never want to have a child with anyone I wasn't 100% sure about. It's such a huge thing to do and it sounds like quite a new relationship too. Throw MH problems into the mix and that would be a firm 'No' from me.

As for your ex, didn't you split with him because he's not sure he wants kids? If so, why on earth would he want to raise a kid that isn't his? I'd say that's worse for him than raising his own.

You're not thinking straight at all. I recommend you go and get some counselling. And if you're determined to get pregnant, then the donor route is the least bad one, but I do really feel for kids who are born from donors.

Original poster

JigglyJellyfish · 12/07/2025 11:15

Wow, some pretty harsh responses.

I should say that the person I'm with now is a great guy with a big heart and in many ways would be a great dad. I just have some concerns about whether we're really compatible and how he'd cope with parenting when he struggles with anxiety and self-regulation.

And the ex - everything was good in the relationship and he'd be an amazibg role model, he's just not ready for the full responsibility of fatherhood. So I'm just thinking maybe there's a halfway house where I'm essentially a lone parent but in a relationship and he gets to be a kind of step dad without all the responsibility

OP posts:

Moveoverdarlin · 12/07/2025 11:16

All options sound fucking bonkers.

SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 12/07/2025 11:29

A new boyfriend who you think you're incompatible with, who has mental health disorders, unhealthy relationship patterns and self regulation problems.

An ex boyfriend who does not want a kid.

Neither of these men are father material. Think how you want your life to be, and plan for that, but neither of these men are options. Have you had fertility tests?

Profpudding · 12/07/2025 11:31

JigglyJellyfish · 12/07/2025 11:15

Wow, some pretty harsh responses.

I should say that the person I'm with now is a great guy with a big heart and in many ways would be a great dad. I just have some concerns about whether we're really compatible and how he'd cope with parenting when he struggles with anxiety and self-regulation.

And the ex - everything was good in the relationship and he'd be an amazibg role model, he's just not ready for the full responsibility of fatherhood. So I'm just thinking maybe there's a halfway house where I'm essentially a lone parent but in a relationship and he gets to be a kind of step dad without all the responsibility

Edited

Ask yourself, would you choose a Dad with mental health issues if you could choose one without?
You really are not looking at this from the potential child’s perspective at all

Profpudding · 12/07/2025 11:33

JigglyJellyfish · 12/07/2025 11:15

Wow, some pretty harsh responses.

I should say that the person I'm with now is a great guy with a big heart and in many ways would be a great dad. I just have some concerns about whether we're really compatible and how he'd cope with parenting when he struggles with anxiety and self-regulation.

And the ex - everything was good in the relationship and he'd be an amazibg role model, he's just not ready for the full responsibility of fatherhood. So I'm just thinking maybe there's a halfway house where I'm essentially a lone parent but in a relationship and he gets to be a kind of step dad without all the responsibility

Edited

Ask yourself, would you choose a Dad with mental health issues if you could choose one without?

additionally, what if the child wants to go and live with its dad? What if it prefers It’s Dad to you and gets told he’s not ready for the responsibility of you? So bad luck kiddo. We know you would much rather live with that man but it’s not an option and I knew that from day one before you were even conceived.
Next thing you know the kids got mental health issues. Entirely of your making.

You really are not looking at this from the potential child’s perspective at all

MrsSkylerWhite · 12/07/2025 11:33

You’ve “just” left one partner and you’re already considering creating a child with another person you hardly know?

Seems rash.

cheezncrackers · 12/07/2025 11:34

Remember too that many conditions are heritable. A depressed, anxious parent often begets depressed, anxious offspring. Obviously, genetics is very complex and you can inherit things from either parent or from further back in your family tree, but I wouldn't CHOOSE to procreate with someone who has poor MH.

Original poster

JigglyJellyfish · 12/07/2025 11:36

MrsSkylerWhite · 12/07/2025 11:33

You’ve “just” left one partner and you’re already considering creating a child with another person you hardly know?

Seems rash.

I have known my current partner for around 5 years as a friend

OP posts:

Original poster

JigglyJellyfish · 12/07/2025 11:39

SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 12/07/2025 11:29

A new boyfriend who you think you're incompatible with, who has mental health disorders, unhealthy relationship patterns and self regulation problems.

An ex boyfriend who does not want a kid.

Neither of these men are father material. Think how you want your life to be, and plan for that, but neither of these men are options. Have you had fertility tests?

I've had fertility tests and there are no obvious issues, other than my age

I'm not thinking of my ex as a potential father to a child from a donor- he would just be my partner, but being around would obviously have an influence on the child

OP posts:

SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 12/07/2025 11:44

Yeah, but he is childfree, so wouldn't want a kid in his house, regardless of genetics.
Have you told him you want a sperm donor conceived child and that he would be housing you both?
Every month counts, forget these blokes.

essgee91 · 12/07/2025 11:52

I think it would be very unfair on your current partner to have a child with him when you're still obviously hung up on your ex.

He deserves to be someone's first choice, not the back up.

Shnuzzbucket · 12/07/2025 12:02

He doesn't want a child.

You are being very selfish to want to make him father (biologically or otherwise) when he clearly doesn't want to.

You're understandably feeling time is running out, and that's very normal. But you are not in a place where a child will be a positive. If you bring a child into this situation, then its not going to end well.

Its ok to be sad, but seriously, dont do it.