Having a kid with someone you're unsure about?

[JigglyJellyfish]

Is it better to have a kid with someone you're not sure about or go it alone? I've just left a great relationship because he wasnt ready for kids (im heartbroken, this is the person o want to be with) and I'm 42 this year so time is running out. I'm now with someone who wants it but I'm really not sure if I want him to father my kids because of his mental health and some unhealthy relationship patterns (he is also relly great & supportive). Considering going it alone and/or even going back to my ex & suggesting I parent with a donor & we get back together. I've never wanted solo parenting, it's a family I want, but it might be my only option now & I don't have the luxury of time to find someone new. Any advice appreciated!

Dear God. I don't know what you're thinking with right now, but it sure as hell isn't your head.

Both of these are horrible ideas. Your current boyfriend is not suited to be a dad and your relationship is not in the right place. Your ex doesn't want kids, period. He is absolutely not going to want to have your relationship complicated by the presence of a child that isn't his.

If you really want to pursue the child aspect, get a donor and go it alone.

For all the reasons stated above and more, it isn't going to work with your ex. He does not want kids, so why would he want to be a step dad. Seeing you pregnant with another man's child is not everyone's cup of tea either. As someone with MH issues myself, parenting is very difficult for me sometimes, if I'd known how much my condition would worsen after having a child, I would have reconsidered, much as it pains me to say this. I adore my DC and love being a parent, but MH issues are a minefield to navigate, that on top of not being sure if he is compatible rules him out. The chances of getting pregnant at 42 are pretty slim and you really need consider how you are going to feel, raising an adolescent completely on your own, in your late 50's. Solo parenting is a landscape away from single parenting. I really feel for you OP, the urge to have children is so strong, that a lot of people forget how devastating the possibility of not having them is. If you do decide to go ahead with any of the scenarios, I suppose you'll have to reassure yourself that no family has the ideal circumstance. People split up, parents die, MH, physical health, financial worries, children's disabilities. Just make sure you have everything as right as you can possibly make it, before bringing your child into the world. Best of luck.

If he struggles with anxiety and self-regulation then the only way he’ll be a dad who doesn’t damage his kids is if he does some serious work on himself first. Doesn’t sound like you have time for that.

I can understand why you’re considering it as time is running out. But it would be a hard no from me.

Agree, donor sounds the only option rather than the best option.

OP needs to decide whether going it alone would be enough for them now.

That's not to say OP won't find Mr Right later on to complete the family though, he might be just around the corner and happy to be a step-parent.

Go It alone, it would be 100% wrong to have kids with current guy and frankly, you are too old to be waiting around any longer if you actually want kids. You need to be looking into it and getting the process going now

A partner that you would see.....when? You will have your child with you. When won't you? You'll be a lone parent so there is literally noone to share the responsibility of that with other than yourself.

There's no spontaneity as a parent. It's not "hey let's go out for dinner tonight" or "how do you fancy a weekend away next week?"

Go it alone - I did (ex didn’t want more kids) hands down the best decision I ever made. When I see my friends dealing with tricky co parenting situations I feel very lucky not to have all that to deal with and have a very secure child. I do have a lot of family support though I was 34 when I had him and it took 11 months to get pregnant. I would get the ball rolling as time isn’t on your side here - good luck. X

Dont have children. Just dont.

Certainly dont have a baby with a man you've known 5 minutes with mental health issues.

You will end up with a kid with a complicated and chaotic childhood.

Why not just accept you’ve left it too late to have children?

Which is what I did now, i'm in my early forties, painful though it is

I really don't think that having a child alone without the support of a partner and on one salary or having a chaotic lifestyle with a half in half out dad would make me any happier than I am now. It would complicate my life and the child would also be living a chaotic life.

Oh dear. It’s difficult. None of these options sound at all good. But I can’t talk, having got very rapidly pregnant with someone I’d known a few weeks who had mental health problems. Did it work out? Depends what you mean - I loved my husband, we raised a baby together, we had many happy days, but then he took his own life. Ds is 21 and appears fine but how can I know.

I would say the ex is definitely a no-no. My worry here is that you don’t sound over him at all. I left my ex who didn’t want kids at 31 and met Dh at 33. The fact that you are still seeing him as part of your life sounds enough to make anyone anxious, especially the new chap.

Honestly? I think you spend some more time with the new guy and have some therapy. Try and get over the guy you wasted ?years on. I do get it, if my first h hadn’t had a vasectomy I might have spent a long time pretending to myself that he might eventually want kids. The brutal truth is, he doesn’t, or just possibly he doesn’t with you, or you would have kids by now.

None of them are good options. I’m not trying to be a twat but to have left it till now are you sure you really want to be a mum? Something or several things stopped you doing it until now.

If you’ve got to 42 without a burning desire winning through to have kids in the last 15-20 years I’d question if this is just your peri-menopause hormones playing tricks on you. My kids were late teens by the time I was 40, and I definitely didn’t want any more, but I still felt really broody at that age. It was quite disturbing at the time but very glad i ignored it!

I have a couple of friends/acquaintances with quite severe mental health/depression/anxiety issues, the thing they all have in common is a parent that suffers from the same, so I’d tread carefully there, you don’t know what issues you may be saddling a child with.

Jeezo, don’t be so bloody selfish, children are a privilege not a right and should not be created just because you fancy having one!

Your ex won't want to be your partner if you have a kid hanging around will he! He doesn't want children of his own, let alone the product of someone else's loin. You clearly have no idea the impact a child will have on your life. Parenthood is all consuming and pretty much destroys your social life. Do you think you'll have a smiling little angel that'll do exactly what they're told to do whilst you bond with your ex. Dream on girl. You've seen too many films.

Loathe as I am to put details of my life on Mumsnet as a noisy minority seem to love nothing better than to judge or be rude to other women in a way they would never be face-to-face, I am older than you are OP and pregnant ☺️, solo mum by choice, 2nd attempt at IVF, honestly did not think it would work and was just doing it so I knew I had no regrets, thinking 'what if'. Time will tell if my child grows into a perfectly adjusted-faultless child who at no point resents me for choices I have made, unlike Mums who have kids with male partners.....

You're not going to get a balanced view from Mumsnet. All kids will end up with some beef against their parents, but the degree will vary. I knew years ago that I would rather have a child solo than with the wrong man - I have seen the damaging impact on children of uninterested, lazy fathers time and time again, and know I can do better alone. Getting back with your ex in the hope he's interested in some step-father situation when he may not have indicated this is very risky - you say you don't want to single-parent, you want a family - well your ex has told you he doesn't, not one with kids anyway. Risky. Only you can make a call on your current partner, loads of women go ahead and have kids with men who end up being not the best Dads and if some of those women hadn't gone into the situation with blinkers on, they would have been able to anticipate their partners would be rubbish dads-who knows whether your partner would be a worse or better Dad than all those under-par Dads....

Maybe take a look at forums where Mums have chosen to solo parent - often they say it's the best thing they have done, and many are pleased they chose to go it alone - though those that post are a selecting group ofc. I am not sure you are in the headspace to go this alone, from what you have said tho?

Either way, the one thing I would say, and that you well know of course, is to think quick if you can. Good luck!

@edgycrab agree. It's constant it's best to ignore I find. People are deliberately obtuse on here. It's not an obligation to comment if you don't relate to a post!

@EdgyCrab you slagged off website users and said OP won't get a balanced view, then went on the say the same thing as everyone else? (That neither man is an option and she could lone parent, but doesn't want to.)

Have you given any thought at all to the real, human child that you plan on bringing into the world and what would be best for them?

I think it best to consider that whoever is the legal father could be a blooming nightmare, you are tied for life. Think your DC marriages, christenings, birthdays etc. If someone clearly doesn’t want to be a father that relationship won’t end well whoever the biological father is, and I doubt most people would jump at a donor suggestion. Someone with known mental health challenges could pose extra difficulties depending on their level. Not just about the now, but the long term.

If you are really wanting a child and I can appreciate this, how about a sperm donor? I know not the norm, but it is on the rise. Private clinics can recommend where best for your age etc, ie I hear Barcelona and Mumbai have excellent facilities for women over 35, as I am sure some in the UK have too.

You also have the adoption route, some children just need some love and stability.

You're really unlikely to conceive at your age, so you'd better prepare for not having a baby at all.

Even if you do conceive, you're more likely to miscarry than a younger woman.

Omg co parenting is a nightmare at the best of times, but it's truly horrendous with someone who has issues. Do not do this! Honestly it's my biggest cause of stress. I wish I'd never put him on birth certificate and I'd done it alone

I wouldn't have a baby at all, in these circumstances

Agreed!

Hi. I completely understand the desperate desire to have a child. It's unlikely to go away. I was single and 33 when I had my daughter - she's 31 now. I had pretty much decided to get pregnant, despite not being in a relationship. In fact, I fell pregnant with an IUD in place, so the decision was made for me. He father was and is not interested, but I met her Daddy when she was 4. It was tough at first, but I paid my mortgage, did a degree and have raised a wonderful, loving and happy girl. It can be done and done well. Good luck.