Page 3 | Having a kid with someone you're unsure about?

JigglyJellyfish · 2025-07-12T09:39:47+00:00

Is it better to have a kid with someone you're not sure about or go it alone? I've just left a great relationship because he wasnt ready for kids (im heartbroken, this is the person o want to be with) and I'm 42 this year so time is running out. I'm now with someone who wants it but I'm really not sure if I want him to father my kids because of his mental health and some unhealthy relationship patterns (he is also relly great & supportive). Considering going it alone and/or even going back to my ex & suggesting I parent with a donor & we get back together. I've never wanted solo parenting, it's a family I want, but it might be my only option now & I don't have the luxury of time to find someone new. Any advice appreciated!

LittlleMy · 13/07/2025 19:24

Tbh, I know OP said she doesn’t want to lone parent but the reality is many do end up that way anyway even though they may initially have been in stable relationships or even married. So she has to also be prepared for that. Issue is the chances of that happening are quite high in either of the 2 scenarios she’s listed.

Also as said by @TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne, the chances of naturally conceive ing are massively reduced after 40, with complications/abnormalities higher as well as higher risk to the woman herself. It’s a very heartbreaking situation OP. I do empathise as something similar happened to me and I decided pregnancy by such men would be bad for both the child and me so with a heavy heart I just accepted that was one experience I was just not meant to have.

Thatslife234 · 13/07/2025 19:24

@willwetalk love a positive story. Sound like you've done amazing. Hope you got money out of him at least.

Thatslife234 · 13/07/2025 19:28

LittlleMy · 13/07/2025 19:24

Tbh, I know OP said she doesn’t want to lone parent but the reality is many do end up that way anyway even though they may initially have been in stable relationships or even married. So she has to also be prepared for that. Issue is the chances of that happening are quite high in either of the 2 scenarios she’s listed.

Also as said by @TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne, the chances of naturally conceive ing are massively reduced after 40, with complications/abnormalities higher as well as higher risk to the woman herself. It’s a very heartbreaking situation OP. I do empathise as something similar happened to me and I decided pregnancy by such men would be bad for both the child and me so with a heavy heart I just accepted that was one experience I was just not meant to have.

Edited

Usually MN are all for older mums. It's usually a bun fight and 40s isn't usually viewed as old.

Must be the sun 😂

Plumnora · 13/07/2025 22:32

Go it alone. You're 42. There's no guarantee you'll get pregnant easily and you want a child.
I got pregnant at the age of 40 with someone I hadn't been seeing with very long and definitely wasn't sure about. I already had an older child.
I saw it as my last chance.
He left just before her first birthday.
I regret nothing.

Willwetalk · 14/07/2025 05:43

Thatslife234 · 13/07/2025 19:24

@willwetalk love a positive story. Sound like you've done amazing. Hope you got money out of him at least.

Thank you. Yes, I did 🙂

KmcK87 · 14/07/2025 07:08

I feel like a lot of people don’t actually consider the children when having them. Children deserve to have 2 good parents, having one that’s not a good parent can have seriously adverse effects. Even going it alone I don’t fully agree with because that child will almost always want to know both of their parents when they grow up.
In the nicest way possible OP it’s not only about your wants, I understand how difficult it is though.

ColinCaterpillarsNo1Fan · 14/07/2025 07:15

Do not have children at all, you are almost 50 and most likely to be peri menopausal. Having a child without adequate support is madness even if you were 10 years younger. The early years are brutal and almost broke me & I had a partner who worked incredibly long hours. Please rethink this idea and the affect that it will have on a future child.

WondererWanderer · 14/07/2025 07:21

KmcK87 · 14/07/2025 07:08

I feel like a lot of people don’t actually consider the children when having them. Children deserve to have 2 good parents, having one that’s not a good parent can have seriously adverse effects. Even going it alone I don’t fully agree with because that child will almost always want to know both of their parents when they grow up.
In the nicest way possible OP it’s not only about your wants, I understand how difficult it is though.

I know someone who did this. Old neighbour. Won't discuss father and kid old enough to ask and be curious. Theyre now 9. Its all kept quiet for the mother's comfort. Never discussed dad and kid doesnt ask as i think he knows not to.

I suspect she was in the last chance saloon and used the im on the pill trick. He didn't stick around.

Her life is chaotic as she has long term health problems she knew about and they've worsened. Kid is frequently farmed out to others when she is ill and he dreads his mum getting sick now...

ToKittyornottoKitty · 14/07/2025 07:54

ColinCaterpillarsNo1Fan · 14/07/2025 07:15

Do not have children at all, you are almost 50 and most likely to be peri menopausal. Having a child without adequate support is madness even if you were 10 years younger. The early years are brutal and almost broke me & I had a partner who worked incredibly long hours. Please rethink this idea and the affect that it will have on a future child.

I agree she’s left it too late to be deciding to have kids now. But 42 isn’t ’almost 50’ at all.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/07/2025 08:15

ColinCaterpillarsNo1Fan · 14/07/2025 07:15

Do not have children at all, you are almost 50 and most likely to be peri menopausal. Having a child without adequate support is madness even if you were 10 years younger. The early years are brutal and almost broke me & I had a partner who worked incredibly long hours. Please rethink this idea and the affect that it will have on a future child.

She’s 8 years off 50. Be serious.

Shnuzzbucket · 14/07/2025 08:41

EdgyCrab · 12/07/2025 14:02

Loathe as I am to put details of my life on Mumsnet as a noisy minority seem to love nothing better than to judge or be rude to other women in a way they would never be face-to-face, I am older than you are OP and pregnant ☺️, solo mum by choice, 2nd attempt at IVF, honestly did not think it would work and was just doing it so I knew I had no regrets, thinking 'what if'. Time will tell if my child grows into a perfectly adjusted-faultless child who at no point resents me for choices I have made, unlike Mums who have kids with male partners.....

You're not going to get a balanced view from Mumsnet. All kids will end up with some beef against their parents, but the degree will vary. I knew years ago that I would rather have a child solo than with the wrong man - I have seen the damaging impact on children of uninterested, lazy fathers time and time again, and know I can do better alone. Getting back with your ex in the hope he's interested in some step-father situation when he may not have indicated this is very risky - you say you don't want to single-parent, you want a family - well your ex has told you he doesn't, not one with kids anyway. Risky. Only you can make a call on your current partner, loads of women go ahead and have kids with men who end up being not the best Dads and if some of those women hadn't gone into the situation with blinkers on, they would have been able to anticipate their partners would be rubbish dads-who knows whether your partner would be a worse or better Dad than all those under-par Dads....

Maybe take a look at forums where Mums have chosen to solo parent - often they say it's the best thing they have done, and many are pleased they chose to go it alone - though those that post are a selecting group ofc. I am not sure you are in the headspace to go this alone, from what you have said tho?

Either way, the one thing I would say, and that you well know of course, is to think quick if you can. Good luck!

But you made a choice that was right for you after considering your options in a adult way.

That's very different to the OP

Thatslife234 · 14/07/2025 08:49

Shnuzzbucket not very different OP is simply asking. She could go down a sperm donor route as well.

stargazer02 · 14/07/2025 08:53

Whole noone can predict how a relationship will work out long term, if you already have doubts absolutely do not have a child with your current partner. You will be tied to him for the rest of your life. If you later split he may have 50/50 care for the child and sounds like you may not be happy with his parenting abilities.

If I was in your position I would look to go donor route and continue to seek a healthy relationship with someone else.

LadyQuackBeth · 14/07/2025 08:54

I think your ex being your partner, full time step dad but unrelated to the child is a much bigger ask of someone than having a baby together. Has your ex suggested he'd like this option?

What does your current partner think about having children? It's unfair to stay with him if you think you're incompatible and he'd not be a good dad.

It sounds as of going it alone would be the best option and you should do that as soon as possible. Don't be in a relationship while you're doing it either, it's just adding mess to things if neither is committed to the baby.

Good luck.

Gmary22 · 14/07/2025 09:27

Children deserve a father, you should have baby with the man who wants one and if it all turns to shit you could always leave him. He might surprise you and be a great Dad. If we're honest, this is your last opportunity to have a child. If it were me I would go for it. Life doesn't begin untill you have a child.

Thatslife234 · 14/07/2025 09:29

Gmary22 · 14/07/2025 09:27

Children deserve a father, you should have baby with the man who wants one and if it all turns to shit you could always leave him. He might surprise you and be a great Dad. If we're honest, this is your last opportunity to have a child. If it were me I would go for it. Life doesn't begin untill you have a child.

Where is OP going to find this man? That's the issue here.

Coconutter24 · 14/07/2025 09:33

Considering going it alone and/or even going back to my ex & suggesting I parent with a donor & we get back together.

If he’s not ready to be a parent then why do you think he’ll take you back with someone else’s baby? If you live together the child will be there and of course you will expect him to take on a father role… which isn’t what he wants. Don’t have a baby with someone you’re unsure about. Do it alone and single

MemorableTrenchcoat · 14/07/2025 09:33

Thatslife234 · 14/07/2025 09:29

Where is OP going to find this man? That's the issue here.

Show quote history

Isn’t her burning desire to have a child, by whatever means necessary, the issue?

Twelftytwo · 14/07/2025 11:13

Mental health issues can sometimes be hereditary and they will have half his personality traits potentially! So no, I wouldn't.

Thatslife234 · 14/07/2025 13:01

@MemorableTrenchcoat OP is considering a few different options and isn't sure. Keep up....one option includes doing it alone.

DelCalMun · 14/07/2025 14:36

Please put the child's wellbeing and happiness before your own desires to have a baby at all costs. Babies grow into adults, they need a stable happy home and you need to be in a situation where you can manage both financially and practically. You are putting undue pressure on yourself. Agreed, time is running short but you still have a few years up your sleeve. Find the right person first and take it from there. Try to relax and enjoy life meantime and please don't pressurise your ex.

MyPoisedLion · 15/07/2025 19:59

There are some horrifically untrue and unkind comments on here. If you don’t have fertility issues there is no reason you won’t be able to conceive at 42. I would get the ball rolling asap and get some embryos in the freezer with donor sperm to buy you some time either way. I found myself in a very similar position to you. I decided to go with the man I was unsure about - not an easy decision- nearly used a donor. Each option has positives and negatives. Parenting is very hard, you don’t know what kind of baby you’ll have, how easy or hard it will be, how it will change you. But if you’re willing to do it alone it’s obviously something you want and there are great communities out there. Dads can be great but so can Auntys, uncles, friends. You can create a network of love for you and your child without a traditional relationship. Good luck.

DryDay · 15/07/2025 20:33

100% definitely do NOT create a child with a man you are unsure about.

Nickisli1 · 15/07/2025 20:44

Go with an anonymous sperm donor and clinic for sure. A messy situation with an ex with mental health challenges is a nightmare 🙃