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Original poster

Having a third child... or not. I feel so angry.

82 replies

YouJane · 27/06/2025 13:30

I am really struggling atm. My DD is 3.5 and my DS is 5.5. I am 40 years old. I have been wanting a third since my DD was born and my husband was on board for trying for a year and if it didn't happen I could make peace with that. Now, he has changed his mind after 2 months TTC and is coming down on the side of not having another - I can tell he wants to say it but doesn't want to upset me. I understand his reasons and agree with some of them, the thing is that I'm not even sure I want a third now, for various reasons. I just hate the idea that my feelings on this basically have no bearing on the outcome - if I agree with my husband, great we're on the same page, no 3rd baby! If I continue to want a third, tough luck, same outcome, no 3rd baby. I feel basically irrelevant to this process.
I cannot bear the thought of this decision being made for me and I am so upset about it. I want to be the one who says '2 is fine actually' and then work my way through it. The thought that I have had to wait for 3 years + only for him to change his mind and be completely in control of the situation is filling me with rage right now.
My husband is trying to be understanding but I'm just angry with him; he makes all the big decisions in our family - I can live with it because he is much better at that stuff than me (really) but to have even this taken away from me is too much. I basically have to sit and wait for him to flip one side or the other and it's pretty galling - it pisses me off. I want to be ok with this decision and tbh I feel like I want to take it away from HIM and upset him like this, so he can understand how I feel. I don't even know if I truly want another (I'm all over the place) but I want to say yes or no, not him. It's up to ME if I want to flipflop, not him, but it makes no difference how I feel. It's so easy for men. Plus, he keeps trying to talk to me and I'm just a mess, I just want him to leave me alone.

OP posts:
Whatatodo79 · 27/06/2025 13:33

Take a deep breath OP. Your husband does have equal say, and unfortunately you can't have half a child if you want one and he doesn't. It's not outrageous and unfair, it's just biology

iamnotalemon · 27/06/2025 13:35

It’s also his decision I’m afraid.

NescafeAndIce · 27/06/2025 13:40

Sorry, but a child needs a "yes" from both people involved. Both people's wishes are equally important but a child deserves being wanted by both parents.

It is rubbish... but that's how it is. I wouldn't want my OH pressuring me to have another - nothing to do with being a man or woman or having things 'easy'.

imisscashmere · 27/06/2025 13:40

Erm, you’re being crazy. Yes, he gets to veto having another child. So do you.

The fact that he doesn’t want another, and you (maybe) do, is not his fault.

NescafeAndIce · 27/06/2025 13:42

I know you're upset and probably dont really believe that what you've written is the best way or reason for a life to come into existence.

tbh I feel like I want to take it away from HIM and upset him like this, so he can understand how I feel.

CherryYellowCouch · 27/06/2025 13:42

You don’t have “no say” in this decision.

You have exactly the same say.

ItDoesntHaveToBeASnowman · 27/06/2025 13:45

I mean you’re being unreasonable, but I kind of get it. You resent the fact that his “no” overrules your “yes”. It is the way it has to be, but it’s a hard pill to swallow

redskydelight · 27/06/2025 13:45

I'm sure you know rationally that it's better if both parents want the child. And, there isn't a compromise solution here, if one parent doesn't want a child, then that's the decision.

Please take time to calm down and come to terms with the decision. Your statement that you're not even sure if you want another child anyway but you're still angry about DH making the decision, suggests that it's not a good time to be trying to conceive anyway.

SumUp · 27/06/2025 13:47

I hear your pain, it’s not a nice situation to be in. His wishes have to be respected and I feel deep down that you know this. But maybe it’s something in his manner or the dynamic between the two of you that is triggering - if he makes all of the major decisions, perhaps you’re resentful of that and want more equality.

It may be worth investing in some couples counselling in order to for you both to process your feelings and put your relationship on a more positive footing.

BreakingBroken · 27/06/2025 13:47

Your post comes across as being very angry to the point of being unwell. I’d suggest councilling.

Thaawtsom · 27/06/2025 13:53

You feel like your choices are being taken away from you because of a very loud ticking biological clock (=you don't have much time) and what you thought was a willing partner in exploring this big life changing decision is deciding he is not willing any more. Your really angry reaction coming from a place of fear (fear that you don't have time and this is a life changing decision, potentially).

I wonder if there is underlying rage about him "making all the decisions." I totally get where you are coming from; but it is also absolutely his right to change his mind and decide he doesn't want another child. The way your rage is expressing itself reminds me of my rage: for me it was the start of menopause (started peri at about your age) and it was as though the "play nice" part of my personality just vanished. I was full of rage at H about all kinds of thing, and actually rightly so.

Having another child is a huge undertaking: I really see that now in a way I didn't when I was making these decisions (I have three, mine are all young adults now).

Original poster
YouJane · 27/06/2025 14:00

Wow, thanks for all your advice everyone, I wasn't expecting so many thoughts on my mad ranting!
I think part of what is making me angry, is that I don't know if I DO completely come down on a YES and of course I agree that both parties have to be a YES. It's just the feeling of being redundant- like 'oh, you agree, do you? Well, that's what was happening anyway, so, thanks for sharing, I guess...' Almost like I don't really NEED to have an opinion because it's not happening either way. Makes me feel irrelevant. And tbh I am very jealous of women who know they are done, I wish I was like that, which is something else I'm dealing with.

OP posts:
Ninkynonkpinkyponks · 27/06/2025 14:05

I understand OP, I really do. I had lots of similar thoughts and feelings. A big part of it for me was the ALSO - the also factor of not being in charge (joint charge of) most of the family and household decision making

Original poster
YouJane · 27/06/2025 14:05

BreakingBroken · 27/06/2025 13:47

Your post comes across as being very angry to the point of being unwell. I’d suggest councilling.

I don't think I'm unwell, I'm just having a bad week. Plus, I had a chemical pregnancy last month so my hormones are a bit messed up I think. I just want to find some peace with this where I don't feel angry that my husband is getting to decide - even if I agree with him! Maybe I am nuts lol.

OP posts:
Helpmeplease2025 · 27/06/2025 14:07

When it comes to babies, if one person doesn’t want one/more, then that’s it.

You either accept it, or leave.

Thaawtsom · 27/06/2025 14:08

OP, sorry to hear about your early loss. How did you feel about being pregnant? Did he know? How did he feel? As you say, lots of emotions and hormones. I would guess grief is involved here too then. Hand hold. It's a lot.

Original poster
YouJane · 27/06/2025 14:08

imisscashmere · 27/06/2025 13:40

Erm, you’re being crazy. Yes, he gets to veto having another child. So do you.

The fact that he doesn’t want another, and you (maybe) do, is not his fault.

I know, I know... it's just the emotions I can't stand! I'm having a hard time with it and feeling out of control. 😕

OP posts:
BreakingBroken · 27/06/2025 14:09

40 yrs old, rage on a variety of issues… your peri. It doesn’t help but it doesn’t mean your anger will pass if you have a third.

Helpmeplease2025 · 27/06/2025 14:11

I agree with the others that the rage is most likely the onset of peri.

Original poster
YouJane · 27/06/2025 14:12

Helpmeplease2025 · 27/06/2025 14:07

When it comes to babies, if one person doesn’t want one/more, then that’s it.

You either accept it, or leave.

Not true! Third option - stay and make everyone miserable for the rest of our lives! And let's not forget sperms donors! Just kidding...
I'm old enough to understand the logic of how these decisions work. Unfortunately, logic and hormones are not good bedfellows. I'm looking for a way to process this, I think, because it is driving me mad right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
YouJane · 27/06/2025 14:13

BreakingBroken · 27/06/2025 14:09

40 yrs old, rage on a variety of issues… your peri. It doesn’t help but it doesn’t mean your anger will pass if you have a third.

True. I have considered this as an excuse, ha!
I don't have 'rage on a variety of issues though', where did you get that from??

OP posts:
Snorlaxo · 27/06/2025 14:13

This bit stuck out for me he makes all the big decisions in our family - I can live with it because he is much better at that stuff than me (really)

It’s fair that having a baby is a 2 year situation but maybe this is time for you to take back some control with decision making in your household. Picking a new kitchen wardrobe is nothing like having a baby but being a more equal partner in your relationship might make you feel better. If you don’t know about something then research and learn. You can become “better at stuff” and have some control of your life.

Okthenguys · 27/06/2025 14:15

I think this isn’t really about another kid - it seems like general resentment that he makes all the major decisions and while you say you’re ok with it, you’re actually not. So you’re projecting with this 3rd child thing, especially given you’re not even sure you want one or not. You just want to have the final say, perhaps to assert some control or tip the balance of power in your relationship. Also as PP have said, in these situations the person who doesn’t want another child trumps.

Original poster
YouJane · 27/06/2025 14:16

Snorlaxo · 27/06/2025 14:13

This bit stuck out for me he makes all the big decisions in our family - I can live with it because he is much better at that stuff than me (really)

It’s fair that having a baby is a 2 year situation but maybe this is time for you to take back some control with decision making in your household. Picking a new kitchen wardrobe is nothing like having a baby but being a more equal partner in your relationship might make you feel better. If you don’t know about something then research and learn. You can become “better at stuff” and have some control of your life.

Thanks, yes it's true, I sometimes think what if my husband died tomorrow and I would have to sort everything out, yikes. I'm SAHM atm and it does sort of scare me to think of making big decisions, financial etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
YouJane · 27/06/2025 14:17

Okthenguys · 27/06/2025 14:15

I think this isn’t really about another kid - it seems like general resentment that he makes all the major decisions and while you say you’re ok with it, you’re actually not. So you’re projecting with this 3rd child thing, especially given you’re not even sure you want one or not. You just want to have the final say, perhaps to assert some control or tip the balance of power in your relationship. Also as PP have said, in these situations the person who doesn’t want another child trumps.

I think that's fair, to a degree. Jeez, everyone is so perceptive on here!

OP posts: