Having a third child... or not. I feel so angry.

[YouJane]

I am really struggling atm. My DD is 3.5 and my DS is 5.5. I am 40 years old. I have been wanting a third since my DD was born and my husband was on board for trying for a year and if it didn't happen I could make peace with that. Now, he has changed his mind after 2 months TTC and is coming down on the side of not having another - I can tell he wants to say it but doesn't want to upset me. I understand his reasons and agree with some of them, the thing is that I'm not even sure I want a third now, for various reasons. I just hate the idea that my feelings on this basically have no bearing on the outcome - if I agree with my husband, great we're on the same page, no 3rd baby! If I continue to want a third, tough luck, same outcome, no 3rd baby. I feel basically irrelevant to this process.
I cannot bear the thought of this decision being made for me and I am so upset about it. I want to be the one who says '2 is fine actually' and then work my way through it. The thought that I have had to wait for 3 years + only for him to change his mind and be completely in control of the situation is filling me with rage right now.
My husband is trying to be understanding but I'm just angry with him; he makes all the big decisions in our family - I can live with it because he is much better at that stuff than me (really) but to have even this taken away from me is too much. I basically have to sit and wait for him to flip one side or the other and it's pretty galling - it pisses me off. I want to be ok with this decision and tbh I feel like I want to take it away from HIM and upset him like this, so he can understand how I feel. I don't even know if I truly want another (I'm all over the place) but I want to say yes or no, not him. It's up to ME if I want to flipflop, not him, but it makes no difference how I feel. It's so easy for men. Plus, he keeps trying to talk to me and I'm just a mess, I just want him to leave me alone.

I completely understand your feelings and anger
I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

While it is easy for people to say you have equal say/ your opinion is equal...it clearly isn't.
Because in this situation you both agreed to TtC third child and now he has unilaterally decided you are not.
It must seem that you are literally at the mercy of his whims.
I wonder if he approached this with a " can we talk about third baby as I'm not as sure now but let's chat it through?"...you might have reacted differently and maybe felt relief in being able to say " actually I'm not sure either , let's talk it through together".
But if he's just said " I've changed my mind " it leaves you no where to go but to aqueise and that is galling...he's not the boss of you , you're not a child being told what you can and can't do by a parent or teacher...I think that's the issue

It is helping me to talk about this, really. I feel more rational about it already.

You have nailed it there. THANK YOU. That is exactly the issue.

Hi OP,
I feel for you but also think this isn't about a baby. If your husband is trying to talk it through but you feel you can't (is that because you never get to resolve everything/ accused of being emotional etc) then maybe counselling or a mediator would help. They would certainly point out if there are any problems around not feeling validated etc. And you can also address the power imbalance in your relationship.

Thanks. I talked to my husband this morning and cried A LOT, it was exhausting. I think perhaps subconsciously i was avoiding talking about it because i felt like we were reaching a poop-or-get-off-the-pot moment and it felt daunting so all my emotions have just overwhelmed me. Plus hormones. He has suggested talking to someone, I feel tired just thinking about it though, I hate being at the mercy of my emotions. I want to get on with my life!

That was to Y2ker, quote deleted for some reason.

Yes, i don't think i really realised that was something that perhaps contributed to my feelings - I have been happy to sit back and let him make those decisions, I have always felt I am not great, particularly with finances, because I don't come from money so have never had any that I have had to look after! His family are well off so he knows about all that. It puts you on the back foot straight away really. The Also Factor - these things add up emotionally, don't they?

This 100%

I didn't immediately see this, sorry. Thank you for your condolences, you're very kind. It was a bit strange really because I have had a chemical before and it was going the same way - very faint lines, cramps for several days - so I was not confident it would stick tbh. It was very early, like 2 weeks. I didn't tell my husband until after, I have a bit of a problem with feeling like people close to me are pitying me and like I have to tough it out, so I kept it to myself. I don't know what that's about tbh, not wanting to be seen as weak? I don't know. You're right though, I probably did not process that properly and it messed my cycle up certainly.

Well, quite. But it can still FEEL outrageous and unfair, even if logically you know it's not, can't it?

I think this isn’t really about another kid - it seems like general resentment that he makes all the major decisions

I saw this and agreed, though I can see the thread has moved on a bit more.

I admit that I've had similar thoughts at times even though my rational brain agrees that both parents must agree and the parent that does not want another child trumps the one that does. Yet sometimes there is something rankling in the depths of my brain that makes me really angry that so many men don't seem to properly appreciate what an honour and privilege it is that a woman is willing to go through all aspects of pregnancy, birth, after effects, (usually) the lion's share of nurturing and (usually) the greater hit to career and earning power, to have their joint children and men get the benefit of producing progeny with none of that shit.

My husband was definitely the less keen partner when it came to deciding to have our kids (2) although he did agree and loves them to bits. At times I thought bloody hell, I'm taking on most of the risks and "work" and your life remains largely the same - I'm just amazed and a bit offended that you arent trying to persuade ME to bear the children rather than the other way around! (I'm also the main earner if that's relevant.)

Then I give my head a wobble I go back to being sensible. 😂

YES! Totally. Like - Er, darling, it's not as if YOU are going to be carrying them, giving birth, breastfeeding, getting up in the night or looking after them all day, I'm the glutton for punishment here, you'll be fine! Men and women think so differently, I've got to 40 and I only just realise this so clearly now! 😄

two children is more than enough. Concentrate on them.

It would help if everyone around me didn't seem to be having a 3rd or 4th - and 3 families I know already have a child with special needs but they just go for it anyway! Even Mummy bloody Pig has just had a third! No fair!

Wow, get a grip. You sound entirely unreasonable, completely immature and totally ridiculous. You don't bring a child into the world to spite someone. He also gets a say on whether to have a child.

Hm my view on this is a bit different to others. If I want a baby, I’m going to make that clear. If DH doesn’t want a baby, it’s his job to prevent that by wearing a condom. If he can’t manage that (he can’t) then we have a baby. 2 DC down and more to go 😂

My point is, many men will say they don’t want more kids but don’t have the self control to prevent it themselves.

Okay, thanks for sharing. You sound like a compassionate individual 👍

You’re 40, you have two healthy children, appreciate the fact that you have enough children. Another child will be more expense, you’ll be more tired. You need to shift your focus. You are not defined by being a mother so what else has life in store for you! And don’t compare yourself to those show off other families. And thank God you are not married to Daddy Pig!

Good point. I think my husband will just get the snip eventually, if he doesn't chicken out!

Ha ha, that's what my mum said about Daddy Pig. You're right, I have plenty of other things to define me. Shift focus.

I just hate the idea that my feelings on this basically have no bearing on the outcome - if I agree with my husband, great we're on the same page, no 3rd baby! If I continue to want a third, tough luck, same outcome, no 3rd baby. I feel basically irrelevant to this process.

But you do have a say - if you want to have one and he doesn't you dont have one, if you dont want one and he does, you dont have one.

This is the only fair way

I can see you're emotional and upset about this, and thats ok - no one wants to think that something they want is not on the table. But you have 2, you have him and you have a family.
Try and make that enough

Just write a pros and cons list together (how romantic!), everything in the open. We have 3. After 2 I knew I wasn't done. After 3, I have never been so done in all my life! You really do know when you've got your magic number.

I think that you maybe need to reframe this. Both parties need to be on board to have a child so there is a power of veto. Each party has equal power of veto so if he was on the side of wanting another and you didn't then you would have the final say. So technically you each have equal powers it is just that unfortunately you aren't being the one using it. I totally get it though. At this age you are being pushed hard by hormones. I am 47 now with an only child and just out the other end of it. I would ideally have loved 4 kids. DH wanted 2. After having had one he decided he didn't even want a second, reneging even on the compromise we had made. In the end it turned out our 1 child was miracle child at the end of a long battle and a second wasn't even a choice so I have had to make my peace with it but it was hard to accept. Also I had dogs and horses when I met him and told him that would always be a thing and he agrees to that. He back tracked on that as soon as the last dog died and I now have no pets at all and 1 child. Unfortunately all of those are also all in or nobody does it decisions. My life is very, very different and I have facilitated all his non-negotiables from when we met. Not always easy to accept but this is life and I won't disrupt my daughter's life to change things so I accept it but I do sometimes feel cheated.

@YouJane Your husband doesn’t want a third and that’s that. You have to accept it and deal with it.

as your children get more independent start to focus your time and energy on yourself more - go out with friends, focus on your career, your health and fitness etc etc. invest in yourself! 😀💐

I understand OP, I was in a similar situation and resented my DH A LOT, for a long time. It’s taken me years to get over it.

for him to say that he thought a third baby was “too much for us” when I was the one growing the baby and dealing with the impact on my body and my career, plus the one who keeps the fucking family going with minimal input from him - really fucking stung me. I was so so cross. Especially because he never wanted a third, he just strung me along for 4 years until I gave him an ultimatum. Money wasnt an issue, he just thought he was the one who did the hard work of raising a baby 🙄🙄

so i absolutely understand your rage and irritation. It will pass, but honestly I’ve never felt the same about him as I did before this. It made me realise just how selfish he is.